Saturday, December 30, 2006

Who Am I?

Ok -- I had a comment that said that I need to do a personal inventory of myself. Wow -- a summation of who I am? I have said lots about who I am in this blog, but never summed it up. I guess that one song might sum it up that is sung by Meredith Brooks:

I hate the world today
You're so good to me
I know but I can't change
Tried to tell you
But you look at me like maybe
I'm an angel underneath
Innocent and sweet
Yesterday I cried
Must have been relieved to see
The softer side
I can understand how you'd be so confused
I don't envy you
I'm a little bit of everything
All rolled into one

I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way
So take me as I am
This may mean
You'll have to be a stronger man
Rest assured that
When I start to make you nervous
And I'm going to extremes
Tomorrow I will change
And today won't mean a thing

Just when you think, you got me figured out
The season's already changing
I think it's cool, you do what you do
And don't try to save me

I'm a bitch, I'm a tease
I'm a goddess on my knees
When you hurt, when you suffer
I'm your angel undercover
I've been numb, I'm revived
Can't say I'm not alive
You know I wouldn't want it any other way

Hmmmmmmmmmmmm -- that's me tongue in cheek responses to questions about who I really am. A personal inventory -- it's scary Steve but thanks for getting me to thinking about it. Let me put it on paper first - but tongue in cheek aside -- a lot of the words to that song ring true.

Thanks for the advice.
Here's a blog post that touched me deeply. Go read Charmin' Just Charmin' he has two posts today in particular -- 1) Anniversary Pizza and 2) Forty three years ago.

Ain't they cute.

Thursday, December 28, 2006

End of Year - Hope 2007 is better for all

Good Things --

  • I have three healthy, smart, beautiful babies.
  • I quit smoking.
  • I've made lots of friends in blogland.
  • I'm sticking to my guns.
  • I've started following the Dave Ramsey plan.
  • My sister is my bestest friend.

Bad Things --

  • I've gained at least 13 pounds since I stopped smoking.
  • I'm in financial hell.
  • I'm still estranged & getting stranger.
  • My van is out of commission.

Things --

  • I've got a good job, with great bosses and coworkers, who tolerate me more than they should.
  • I've got a meddlesome mom and dad who love us very much.
  • I've got a meddlesome mother-in-law who loves her son very much.
  • Life is not all bad.

In retrospect.

Much of this year has been wasted by trying to fix an alcoholic. I've had to learn to live by the "three c's of al-anon you didn't cause it, you couldn't cure it, and you couldn't control it and the three a's awareness, acceptance, then action." For an adult child of an alcoholic who has felt that it was her job to take care of everyone and everything, these tenets are near impossible to put into effect in your life. I've wasted a lot of energy on him and I WILL NOT waste the New Year on these efforts. 2007 is for me and my three babies. I can look back and see things that I should have done with and for our children that have gone by the wayside because of the drama surrounding him.

The drama surrounding him -- wow, what a statement.

My niece brought him back home on December 13 (he had drank that morning) so I guess his sobriety date would be the 14th making today exactly 2 weeks clean AND sober. Still, the drama in our life surrounds him. I don't want him around, I don't want to huggy, kissy, lovey, dovey, I am divorcing him. He just can't get it through his mind. He says, I am going to FIGHT for this family. Well, show me then. But, I'm not fighting, I'm just doing what is best for me and the boy, and the girls. Two weeks, good for you -- but we've been there done that too many times over this past year. 2007 WILL be different. But, as I started this thought -- the drama surrounding him. It is still all about him. Me, me, me. "You don't hug me. You don't kiss me. Pay attention to me. Me. ME!!!" I've got three young children -- back off!!! But, "I don't have anywhere to go. What will I do? Who will take care of me? What will happen to me?" Phew. He wears me out.

His mother says I'm mean to him. I explained to her that sometimes you have to be mean, to be a bitch, to practice tough love, you have to act hard to protect your own heart and his. She understood, at least she said she did.

Yes, the last two weeks have been wonderful. I do see a difference in his attitude from the other times. This may do it for him. But, again, I can't gamble my children with a maybe. My coworker S**** doesn't understand how I can live with him. Believe me it is hard. Because he is Mr. Perfect, and Mr. Wonderful, the World's Greatest Dad -- it is hard. When he is on the sobriety wagon he is my dream man. But, my heart can't be broken again.

Damnit now I'm going to cry. I made it there -- I am bitter and hard hearted like my mother. Poop. I didn't want that to happen. Oh well, what is done is done.

2007 is going to be an uphill battle, financially, mentally, domestically. But we'll be alright. Mama is a tough ol' bird. But sometimes, Mama just wants to give up, run away, find someone to take care of her and take a nap.

That is going to be my resolution for 2007 -- More naps. Yep, more naps. Naps with my babies. Sounds like a start.

Let Go of the Past to Move into the Future

Pretty good article...

Sunday, December 24, 2006

New Jammies on Christmas Eve

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St Nicholas soon would be there.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads.
And mamma in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled our brains for a long winter’s nap.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tinny reindeer.

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St Nick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!

"Now Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! On, Cupid! on, on Donner and Blitzen!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!"

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky.
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of Toys, and St Nicholas too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St Nicholas came with a bound.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.
A bundle of Toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler, just opening his pack.

His eyes-how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow.

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook when he laughed, like a bowlful of jelly!

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself!
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings, then turned with a jerk.
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose!

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!"

Thank you Santa!!

Saturday, December 23, 2006

Merry Christmas

Friday, December 22, 2006

What Happened to Your Christmas Tree?

This is all J****'s fault you know...

A few weeks ago my SIS wrote in her blog a very happy post. This post was about how her SON surprised her one day after she had surgery and he and his wife came to visit just to help her put up her Christmas tree. She had a picture on her blog of this beautiful tree, and you could tell by the words she wrote that she had a great time and was excited about Christmas with her grandbabies.

But, today three days before Christmas, my SIS has taken down her Christmas tree.

Why? Because of a post on my blog from way back in September. Not sure how it all came about, I think when the law made J**** leave, he had someone look up the blog, that someone told someone it existed and then (why the long wait until it is brought up?) 11 days later it is finally an issue. So, someone was well meddlin' don't ya think?

Now my blog is no longer anonymous. I could do like SIS and delete this blog, but this blog has made me the strong person that I am and has enabled me to make it as far as I have gotten with resolving my issues with my marriage.

So -- since the post was written to my SIS' family and they have now read the post, it has served its purpose and I will delete it. However, it was seen by them three months after the fact and out of context and doubtful that they remember the issues that led up to why I was so angry at them? Honestly and regretably, I had forgotten about writing it.

Also, being 3 months later, I would have said things differently, because in some ways they have made a lot of progress. Plus, I have found out things that I didn't know back then, because we all know there are two sides to every story. And, strangely enough, I am a little saner and not as angry.

So, at the end of this stressful year for us all -- let's review the last three months brought on by the unfortunate reading of the post but it's all good...

A***** and her family have moved. She's about the same.

R***** her husband has made wonderful progress he has sought out professional help with his addiction to pain pills (prescription at that) and through a lot of work seems to be overcoming this problem. He has held a good factory job for a couple of months now and is working at being the provider that I asked him to be in my previous post. I am proud of him and it is hard to dig yourself out of a deep hole. Yes, I was angry at him in September but I had recently been to his house and watched him roll his eyes at a respiratory therapist, spend his paycheck on pills, and expect his sick wife to be able to take care of three kids while he slept in until noon. I think he can see why I was mad at that time.

Y***** has given me her side of the story in this past three months and well, ya know what, she just may be the one keeping that family together, either way, she's damned if she's does and she's damned if she doesn't.

M****** I worry about deeply, he has had so much happen to him that I'm afraid he's going to snap. Yes, I want to piss him off, I want him to come over here yelling and screaming at me, I want to grab him by his shiny bald head and just cry with him. I want to tell him NayNay loves you and wants you to talk to her. I hope I made you mad, now let it out and let me have it -- quit bottling it all up damn it.

So, anyway, I hope to see all of you at Christmas. I didn't buy anyone a gift. But, everything happens for a purpose -- yep, truth hurts sometimes. But, reflect on then versus now and see how you've grown.

It's all good.

Get over it and whoever started this mess, SHAME ON YOU.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

It's a Little Too Late...

The Holiday's are upon us. Life is well, hectic. Here's the nitty gritty.

Shopping is done. Hooray. J**** and I got that done on Saturday. We even did Mama's shopping for her.

D***** and J**** and I have the flu. My fever is gone so I am back to work. I feel like crap. I told the doctor to just give me the shot they give animals to put them down. I feel that bad. I feel as though I've been beaten with a two by four. F**** went to school this morning but was complaining that she was starting to feel poorly. Please God, don't let her catch it. We just need to make it until Tuesday. Shoo flu Shoo.

J**** is the perfect husband. I really appreciate it and all. He's let me rest, woke me up to give me my medicine. He's taken care of the girls when they get off of the bus. Done their homework with them. Changed the boy's poopy butt. Everything he's supposed to do. Been very patient and loving. Not punished them for his withdrawals, which I know he's experiencing because I see the shakes and cold sweats.

But, I am not falling for it. I can't do it. There's a country song. It never fails, there is always an appropriate heart breaking song. Isn't there?

Mark Chestnut sings this song...

Well, early this morning it dawned on me
the kind of man she needed me to be
she made a list and laid it there beside me on the bed
now what I should-a done keeps running through my head

Oh I should-a done this and I should-a done that
I should-a been there then she'd-a never left
I should-a been hangin' on every word she ever had to say
but it's a little too late she's a little too gone
she's a little too right I'm a little too wrong
now would be a good time to change
but it's a little too late.

Don't get me wrong, I do appreciate the things that he is doing. He is being the World's Greatest Dad right now and it is NOT tongue in cheek when I say that, and yes, I am being Super Bitch. Why? Because, he needs to just go on and go. How else do you make someone go who won't, but keep pushing? It's for his own good. It's for my own good. It's all Good.
My brother, the SON is on his way home from Florida today. So Mama is happy.

Sis is blah and says, BAH HUMBUG.

D***** says Ho, Ho.

Saturday, December 16, 2006

The Alcoholic Charmer

Look at those eyes...

The body language...

Poor little lost soul....

"Save me...

I've been bad, I know, I'm sorry....


I've seen the light, I'll never do it again.

Really babe, just hold me, help me, no one else can.

I'm sick, I need help, " and on, and on, and on, ....

I took this picture two years ago after a night of extreme crazy shit. I was pregnant he was having a good ol' time. See that pitiful, day after, I'm sorry, look in his eyes. Yep, that's what he has looked like since the Niece brought him home.

But, I'm hanging tough. Gonna break this cycle, gonna break these chains.

This time it is just "hug me baby, kiss me, show me some affection, I just need love." Again, in front of the kids so they see Daddy all loving and kind and Mama is the one pushing Daddy away being aggressive and mean. He ain't as dumb as he looks.

Two years ago the promises didn't hold true. Two months ago the promises didn't hold true. Two weeks ago the promises didn't hold true. Now what makes him think that the promises from two days ago are going to hold true. "Fool me once shame on you, Fool me twice shame on me, Damn, I'm a fool."

Other items:
  • Everyone knows that I have contacted the attorney and said "Git-R-Done! "
  • Mother-in-law is being his mother as it should be and looking out for his best interests.
  • My mother is being overprotective of her grand-babies.
  • Sis is sitting back and being quiet and just waiting for me when I need her. She's cool. She knows.
  • Christmas is going to be awkward.
He's helping with homework, he's getting them ready for bed, he took out the trash, he picked up the toys, he unloaded the dishwasher, he's been loving and kind and helpful.

And, he's let me know that he has done these things. When I went to BHO (my counselor) she talked about him always needing the "pat on the back." Well, these things should be done because they are responsibilities not because you want or need praise.

One time he did break from his charm and get aggravated and sound like the old J**** and yell.

I guess for the last couple of days these words ring true:
Yep -- World's Best Dad!!!
Yes, I have been a BITCH. No ifs ands or buts about it. Major league, extreme bitch. I wonder why?

I've done the things that I am responsible for, that I am expected to do. I've taken the kids to their functions and started Christmas shopping.

But, just dealing with the alcoholic charm is making me a mean ol' BITCH. By the way, the poor, poor, pitiful me thing is very unmasculine.

And to give credit where credit is due -- where this is a very unhealthy situation, going through a divorce and still being under the same roof -- I yelled at the kids and it too was unwarranted. Shame on me.
Here's something I found when I Googled Alcoholic Charmer == I should have known there'd be a drink with the same name.:

4 cl Scotch whisky
1 cl Blue Curacao liqueur
1 dash dry vermouth
1 dash orange bitters

Shake ingredients with crushed ice. Strain into cocktail glass.

Serve in: Cocktail Glass

37.0% (74 proof)
122 calories
2.80 carbohydrates

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Vote for My Picture Please...

I know -- I'm odd, hence the name of the blog "Estranged & Getting Stranger."

This is one of those strange things...

I was perusing the net and thought I might do something cool on Shutterfly for Grandma and saw they were having a photo contest. Well the best and most appropriate picture for the topic is one of J**** and the young'ns when we took our Christmas pic and he was reading to them.

So -- if you are so inclined... click on the link and vote for me.


Click here to vote.

No updates on anything -- I'm just so mentally exhausted and tired of all the crap that I am vegging doing stuff that enables me not to think about it tonight.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Occupied by the Enemy

Well when the cops made him leave he went to E&A's house. They couldn't stand him and called the niece. The niece as big a codependent as her aunt picked him up and kept him until today after lunch. He told her to take him home, to get clothes and for D*****'s birthday. He reminded me that legally I can't make him leave. So he's here.

Since he goes to court on Monday, I'm seriously contemplating packing my and the kids clothes and going to stay with Sis until he is gone. I was so happy yesterday -- I'm miserable today.

BUT -- Don''t fear, I'm sticking to my guns and not sugar coating it with him. Laid it on the line all day long. NO CHANCE.

He's here on his son's birthday. But if he isn't laying in the bed he's trying to charm me, hug me, plead with me. Pay attention to your kids!!! I had to yell at him to come down the stairs each time we were doing something with the children.

No present for the boy. He knew Mama would take care of it.

Yep -- World's Best Dad!!!

Here's what a BITCH does with World's Best Dad around... motivation.

I need to do a lot. I worked today, shipped an eBay sale. Had a small birthday party, folded a load of clothes, now I've sat down and given up for the day.

Have homework to do with F**** and then bedtime. Maybe then I can get motivated to do something. But probably wiser to just go to bed to avoid him.

Credit where it is due: I found the Super Bitch Logo on a T-shirt that I will buy (when I have the money) on cafepress. Click here to see the T-shirts.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Independence Day

Martina McBride sings a song that I love...

original designs by JGoode at


Long story short --

1) The Police made him leave last night.
2) We go to divorce court on January 11, 2007. (He turns 30 on this day.)
3) He has spent the little money that he saved for his fine on alcohol and cigarettes.

Starting tonight -- I will begin a new feature:

First night away from his kids. Three beautiful kids. Any phone calls? NO. He has a cell phone, it works, he's been talking to other people. Did he call to wish them good night and ask about their day? NO. I miss you and I'm sorry? NO.

He took his $100 bill with him has he bought his son a birthday present for tomorrow? NOPE - - beer and cigarettes.

Yep -- World's Best Dad!!!

Here's what a BITCH does without World's Best Dad around... Takes care of three kids, keeps them home from school to explain and show extra attention due to the change to come in their life. Three baths, cleans house, laundry 4 loads, makes the boy a birthday cake (devil's food with cream cheese icing), and assembles one bad-ass batman pedal car for the boy's birthday. Yep -- that's what he calls me and that's what I am -- Being In Total Control of Herself.

Monday, December 11, 2006

The Only Way I Can Get You to Listen...

J**** --

Everytime I try to talk to you, you will not listen, you huff and puff, say whatever, etc.

But, you will read my blog. You say that I make you out to be a horrible person and that everyone hates you. You read the comments and say -- "These people don't know me." Well, they are on the outside looking in, and they are more objective than you or I -- who live inside the situation can be. You are not a horrible person, but you are not being a good man.

Our lives is like watching one of those bad Oxygen Channel movies.

So - I'm going to talk to you here -- because this is the only way that you will listen.

I am unhappy. The children are tense. Everything is going to hell in a handcart and fast. I started the divorce proceedings way back in the Spring and never had the guts to finish it, always hoped this would make you see the light, make you step up and be a man, get a good job, sacrifice all drugs and alcohol for me and your babies. But NO. It is still ALL about you.

(My SIS has a post on her blog about sociopaths -- you reckon that she is wanting me to read that. Sorry, Sis, but J**** and I are both sociopaths according to the test, I'm just worst -- a codependent sociopath. Real Scary Huh.)

But either way, it is not about you or me it is about F****, G*****, and D*****. So whether you go to jail or not is up to you, not me or anyone else. I as always will make certain our babies have a nice Christmas. I will NOT pay your fine.

I also will no longer waste the money that my Mama and Daddy gave me for the attorney. It is time that we put a stop to this misery. You are miserable, I am miserable. I can no longer take care of four people, you should be helping me take care of them, and we should be taking care of each other.

I know you have no where to go, but I also know that you are resourceful and will find someplace.

It is time to for you to go. I want you to go, I want a divorce.

Honestly, I do this will all sorts of love in my heart.


Saturday, December 09, 2006

My Post on Dave Ramsey Forum...

This is a post that I put on a forum for the Dave Ramsey Community in which I am a subscriber. These folks help with budget and personal dilemnas -- a sounding board like you my blog friends. Here's what I posted and some of the responses. At the end I'll tell you my favorite...

I've posted our budget on here before...

Well it's been Murphy's year. Mainly because I haven't been strong enough to tell DH to step up and be a real man.

1) I suffer from depression real bad - which tends to lead me down the road of denial and ahhhh -- it'll get taken care of later. Which partly explains my ability to procrastinate and then work wonders under pressure. (Hmmmm a new insight on myself -- cool.)

2) He's an alcoholic

3) He got a DUI with a fine of $818.00 - He paid $300 on the fine in September and on the 18th of December the rest is due. We had put aside $300 and had been saving from HIS paycheck NOT mine $50 a week - which would have put him on course for having the money to pay his fine.

4) He got hurt at work -- so he says. Blew out his knee - no insurance, working for cash so boss just "lets him go" with excuses like oh work is slow, waiting on such and such contractor etc....

5) He has no license and is 29 years old with that entitlement mindset.

Anyway to make a long story short -- we were rolling downhill like a snowball headed for he** (got to love Merle).

Ended up with checks posting to overdraft protection (ODP), then Mortgage hits bank and my paycheck just covers that, rest of automatic payments, ODP grabbed before I could stop them. $27.50 a pop. I have stopped my direct deposit - and will close the accounts and work with the bank to make up for the ODP charges. We had to use $200 of his saved fine money for food, necessities leaving $100 for fine.

Anyway --

3 small kids -- not one Christmas Present purchased, ages 6,5, and 2 (they still believe in Santa). They are kids and they will have Santa.

After I pay for the necessities -- I have enough left to pay a large chunk on his fine. Plus his $100.

The Clerk's office said the judge was in the holiday spirit and would see that as effort and not send to jail. Else -- he goes to jail, directly to jail, do not pass go...on the day of "show cause" for not paying his fine.

Do I save his butt so his kids can have Christmas with him or do I let him go to jail and sit for 20 or more days?

On a personal level (for myself) I want him to go to jail to teach him a lesson - he's sat on his butt and done very little around the house for 5-6 weeks. I suggested (after knee was better) to walk around neighborhood and offer to clean out gutters (10 houses at $50 a pop would have paid his fine). aaaaarrrrgggggggghhhhhhhh

But, my babies would be very unhappy if Daddy was in jail on Christmas.

In Al-anon we are taught to not enable... so what does a girl do?

Merry Christmas.
Whoooo, thats a tough call. I can't go into DR mode, and say what would I would do in your shoes, because I've never been in that position, but here is my opinion.

I think the root here is the "entitlement" attitude. You say he has no license - driving license I assume? If so, threaten him that the next time he steps into the driving seat of a car, you will call the police. Next, tell him that if he drinks again, you will break his face. Thirdly, tell him that if he hasn't earned $100 by Tuesday, you will personally escort him to the jail and wave bye-bye for Christmas. I once got depressed and struck my wife, and the shame of it (and her reaction - I slept in the outhouse in January) woke me up to my problem.

I fully understand that you don't want the children to miss their Daddy over Christmas: I can tell you, that if he doesn't haul his sorry ***** out of this mess he has created, they will miss far more than that. His fine is HIS FINE. He has GOT to sort it out, and if you allow him to lean on you again to help him out, he will never learn.

Let me put it another way. If your 6 yr old drops a dish, do you ask him to (help) clean it up, or do you just do it for him whilst he stands there looking sheepish?
Both my parents are alcoholics, and I spent some time in Al-Anon too, before completely cutting off my relationship with my mother----and my dad doesn't make an effort to have a relationship, so it wasn't really necessary with him. I just say that so you know where I'm coming from, and you can "take what you like and leave the rest."

YOU are the one who used the word "enable" and I'm really glad that YOU see it that way. You don't have to have your sponsor or someone else say, "Ohmigosh, you'll be enabling him." it sounds like you understand that there will be consequences to your decision either way. Since you know that, I would just encourage you to make the best decision for your family. You already know that you can't 1) stop him from drinking 2) make him suddenly become responsible 3) pretend that his behavior is normal or acceptable to you.

You also know that he's making excuses, and you're smart enough to see right through them. That's A HUGE step!!!

So here's my question to you: Have you prayed about it? Either decision will affect you and your children, but only God knows the outcome either way. I'm consistently amazed at how, when I follow "the steps" God shows up and guides my thinking. In fact, if I hadn't followed the steps at one particular time, I doubt me and DH would have gotten married. My thinking can be so warped by my experiences with the alcoholics in my life, that if I don't ask Him to renew my mind, I know I'll make bad decisions. Knee-jerk reacting to crises is definately a problem with me, and it pops up from time to time.
I am SO sorry you're going through this! I know your kids will miss him at Christmas (mine will miss theirs at Christmas, too, but he's in Iraq), but it's a choice HE made to be away from them, plain and simple. You can take the kids to see daddy in jail on fact, I would definitely do that. Perhaps that will be the wakeup call your DH needs. I would not, under any circumstances, pay his fine. I would take some of that money and buy Santa for the kids, and use the rest to pay necessities. If he's not gonna take care of the family, you have to, so you can't afford to be fixing his screwups. Good luck, I know it's a hard decision, and I'll pray you make the right one. ===============================================

Coming from a family full of drug addicts and alcoholics (all but one are sober), I would say let him sit in jail. Fact is, your husband hasn't hit rock-bottom yet. He has an entitlement complex, so chances are, your husband probably thinks "Ahh, I won't worry about it, the wife will get me out of this mess, she loves me, and besides, it's Christmas!"

Sometimes what we have to do with the ones we love is let them fall flat on their faces and let THEM rebuild themselves. He is not going to stop this behavior until he wants to, so all you can do is basically give him a firm shove in the right direction.

Here's what I would do. Hand the DH his $100.00, and send him off to the courthouse to see the judge. If the judge sentences him to jail, so be it! Fact is, this is HIS problem, not yours. You are not the one that chose to get behind the wheel of a car and drive while intoxicated, so honestly, why should you pay the fine? I understand that he's your husband, and you love him, but love only goes so far with an addict/alcoholic.

Yes, it will be hard for the kids if daddy isn't there for Christmas. Like leighboe said, take the kids to go see him on Christmas Day, maybe that will wake him up to the real issue at hand. If your kids ask where daddy is, say "Daddy did something bad, and he's in time out." Kids can understand that.

I hope you can get through this, it's not an easy situation by any means. Many prayers from me to you.

I'm with Leigh. He chose to spend Christmas in jail when he refused to get off his butt and do something about the situation.

I'd be taking that money and giving my children a Christmas first. Sure, they'll miss dad if he isn't there on Christmas day, but lots of kids won't see their dads that day, and they'll live through it. But young as they are, I think it would hurt worse if Santa skipped your house because their dad is a jerk.

I think you are right in wanting him to suffer the consequences of his actions. As long as people bail him out, he has no reason to change. Sit him down tonight and explain it very calmly. What money is left after bills is buying Christmas for the kids first. He has one week to get off his duff and find a way to bring in some money. If he doesn't, he should bring his toothbrush to court, because you will not let the kids go without to keep him out of jail. He made the decision to go there when he refused to go find work. And the kids should not have to pay for his selfishness. Period. End of discussion. Time to man up.
My heart and prayers go out for you,I really have a problem with males who refuse to be MEN. They make the rest of us look bad. At least you didnt mention abuse,that would have made him completely useless in my book. I agree with the rest ,let his butt sit in jail for Christmas and if he gets out only to go back to his old ways you need to really get tough with him. As a man I have no sympathy for him or anyone else that refuses to grow up and take responsibility.

I bolded my two favorites: What right do I or him have to complain about our children being away from him on Christmas when there are fathers away from their children tonight, Christmas, Birthdays, etc... fighting a war in Iraq (24 hours a day) to protect his sorry way of life. His do nothing, self-serving, way of life. Yep - ya'll it is his problem.

Sometimes we all need to step back and take a look at the big picture and see that our problems are not as big as we think...

We will have a Merry Christmas either way.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Merry Christmas from Our Little Family

Ain't we cute. Up front is D***** he will be 2 on the 13th. Left to right is F****, then J****, and Ms. G*****, and in the back is me. We will be sending this picture in our Christmas Cards this year.

It was a fun evening project to take this picture. It is the first time we have used the timer on the digital camera. Below are the test shots...

1) J***** and the young'ns reading "The Night Before Christmas" so I can position the camera.

2) I figure out how the timer works -- but D***** had to see what Mommy was doing. Why in the world did she run behind us quickly?

3) Oops -- Didn't do the timer thingy right.

Hope ya'll have a happy holiday season.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

One of them Quizzes

J**** took the quiz first -- Devil
Then I took the quiz - Empress

Who'd a thunk. I laughed and laughed and laughed

You are The Devil

Materiality. Material Force. Material temptation; sometimes obsession

The Devil is often a great card for business success; hard work and ambition.

Perhaps the most misunderstood of all the major arcana, the Devil is not really "Satan" at all, but Pan the half-goat nature god and/or Dionysius. These are gods of pleasure and abandon, of wild behavior and unbridled desires. This is a card about ambitions; it is also synonymous with temptation and addiction. On the flip side, however, the card can be a warning to someone who is too restrained, someone who never allows themselves to get passionate or messy or wild - or ambitious. This, too, is a form of enslavement. As a person, the Devil can stand for a man of money or erotic power, aggressive, controlling, or just persuasive. This is not to say a bad man, but certainly a powerful man who is hard to resist. The important thing is to remember that any chain is freely worn. In most cases, you are enslaved only because you allow it.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

You are The Empress

Beauty, happiness, pleasure, success, luxury, dissipation.

The Empress is associated with Venus, the feminine planet, so it represents,
beauty, charm, pleasure, luxury, and delight. You may be good at home
decorating, art or anything to do with making things beautiful.

The Empress is a creator, be it creation of life, of romance, of art or business. While the Magician is the primal spark, the idea made real, and the High Priestess is the one who gives the idea a form, the Empress is the womb where it gestates and grows till it is ready to be born. This is why her symbol is Venus, goddess of beautiful things as well as love. Even so, the Empress is more Demeter, goddess of abundance, then sensual Venus. She is the giver of Earthly gifts, yet at the same time, she can, in anger withhold, as Demeter did when her daughter, Persephone, was kidnapped. In fury and grief, she kept the Earth barren till her child was returned to her.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Sunday, December 03, 2006

A Child's Prayer

Just to let ya'll know how hard this sort of thing is...

G***** said grace at supper tonight and the last thing she said before her amen was... "God, make my Mommy and Daddy stop fighting, please."

Now you feel my angst.

Maybe it's like Garth Brooks song -- "Unanswered Prayers".


Keep Your Hands to Yourself...

Mama even made the comment today when I told her he was being Mr. Lovey Dovey -- they are always charmers the next day.


I even told him -- you make my skin crawl. He just doesn't get it. Yes, I will always love him. He is the father of my children, but...

I really don't want to kiss him.
I really don't want to hug him.
I really don't want him to fondle my breasts or grab my buttocks.

I REALLY don't want him here!

Forcing himself upon me is NOT endearing. He does not respect me as an individual. His daughters watch him grab at me and hear me telling him no -- he does not stop. They get the impression that it is okay for a man to violate a woman when she says NO.

No means no even if we are still married. It is my body. I don't want to be touched.

I have told him "I am done." He won't accept it.

I understand that...I have prolonged this, and he has never had to be accountable for himself before.

Oh well. Going to bed now.
Fun stuff:
We put up the Christmas Tree today. The look of amazement in D*****'s eyes was priceless.

Saturday, December 02, 2006

Just Go Already!!!

Told J**** yesterday that he needed to go that he is of no use to me. I wasn't nice about it. I told him to get a job, stop drinking, be there for his family. I was at work -- he was gone most of the day and I get home he arrives a few minutes after. He has been drinking. Has a beer stuffed in his pocket. It starts.

1st Time:
He tells the girls -- "your mama hates me and wants me to leave we can't be a family." Gets them upset, crying, etc. "Don't go Daddy, Don't Go." "I don't want my Daddy to go." After a bit of this drama he goes out the door. I go outside to get some stuff out of the van and he is huddled beside of the house (it is 35 degrees outside). I just shake my head. Geesh.

2nd Time:
Same stuff blaming mama for him leaving. "Mama isn't happy, mama hates me, mama wants Daddy to go, your mama doesn't love me anymore." He looks at me and says all you are going to do is lie to them. He is rough with me. His Mama (bless her heart) calls me while all of this is going on. I have pretty much been ignoring him - hoping he will lose interest. His Mama hears him ranting and acting like a dork. She wants to speak to him. Of course, she yells at him and makes him more angry. He leaves again. The girls go to the front door and are crying after him. I watch with them. He never comes around front. I look at them and explain that Daddy is playing a game. That he is not leaving tonight. He is just hurting Mama by hurting you two. We walk around the house and the ass is under the house (our crawlspace is large). F**** just shakes her head.

3rd Time - Part 1:
He comes back in the house, screaming at me to pack his stuff. Getting rougher, etc. I say no and tell him to calm down. I tell him I know that he doesn't intend to leave, so just go to bed. Threatening looks, gestures. Tells me I'm a bitch and no wonder my ex-husband beat me. I told him to go ahead and lower himself to the ex's level and give me an excuse to kick your ass. I feed the children he goes downstairs to "leave." He falls down the stairs says he rehurt his knee. F**** and G***** get up from the dining room table to baby their Daddy. I just sit there holding my head in my hands, going "Oh my goodness."

3rd Time Part 2:
Raving lunatic. Get my shoes!!!! Pack my stuff!!!!! Get my coat!!!!!!!! Call the law and I'll tell them you pushed me down the stairs. Blah, blah, blah. I turn on TV, G***** lays down on couch (my loner), D***** and F**** get in my lap. We watch TV and ignore him. I think he left for about 45 minutes.

He came back -- gave me that stupid eye cocked brow wrinkled look and whispered. Yeah, you won't live till the morning.

I put the babies to bed he passed out. Maybe he is right -- I hate him, that is a sin.

What I did yesterday:

1) Worked on finances
2) Bought groceries using my mom's debit card (thank God for them.)
3) Price compared windstream, bellsouth, and time warner. Will probably go with Windstream for phone and DSL and turn off Cable altogether. You can get free movies at the library.
4) Edited the separation agreement to take to my attorney.

Thursday - my Sis's post

I had to work technology at a conference - my day went from 6:30 am to 6:30 pm. J**** had to get girls on bus and be responsible for children from bus arrival until I came home. He got drunk. My mom kept D***** and my Sis came over to watch the girls. He aggravated the kids and groped my sister (she has big boobs.)

Hopefully he will leave today. That is the plan.

Thursday, November 30, 2006

Sis Lets J**** have it

See Sis's blog....

Link Removed because of nosy assed, trouble makers.

I love you Big Sissy.

So -- Sissy has sent me an electronic copy of what she wrote -- here it is...

Dear Brother-in-Law

I know you occasionally read my blog so I've been thinking that I'll use it as an opportunity to put down my thoughts and feelings about the current problems you and my baby sister are going through. You can tell me to butt out, that it's none of my business -- but you know what, I don’t care, sometimes I just have to have my say. So, here goes...

What I’m about to say is the truth - and sometimes truth hurts like hell. I'm saying these things to you because I hate seeing the unhappiness you have put in my sister's eyes. Especially when I looked at her this evening, she was so sad. It broke my heart.

It's time for you to listen. So, if you don't want to read this, click on that little “X” up there in the right hand corner. But for now, it's my turn.

I am worried about my sister and her babies, especially when I see how they react to you when you are drinking. For every action there is a reaction. My sister’s reactions have become sadness, torment, and confusion. Tonight I watched her - she's about ready to explode - and you have helped her get to that point! Tonight I listened to her cry – she is suffering – and you have helped make her like this. I don’t know how much more she can take.

If you remember, you and I had a little talk a couple years ago; our talk came about after I found out about a particular drunken night you had, a night which you scared my sister pretty bad. I took you for a ride in my car. I told you I was very angry with you. I told you some stories about how my kids grew up watching their daddy do the same exact things you had done and I begged you to not do that to my sister ever again. You said you would never be like that.

Then about a year ago (after another drunken night blow up) I came to your house and we sat at the kitchen table and you told me that you wanted to do right. You cried and said you wanted to show her that you could be a good man, a good husband, and a good father. You begged her for another chance; you told her that you'll do better.

Then about a month or so ago (after you passed out) she had to grab up her babies, in the dark of night, leave the safety of her home, and escape to my house. Because you laid your hands on her and you scared the children!!!! How dare you!!!!

You are doing EXACTLY what my EX did to me and my kids. No, you are not him, but after I spent a few hours with you today, you brought back some old memories of how I used to live my life. It made me sad. I don’t want that for my sister. I don’t want that for my nieces and nephew. Enough is enough.

Don't you realize that everything you do, no matter how big or how small, no matter what it is, those babies' eyes are right on you - taking it all in. They are like little sponges, soaking it ALL up in their little brains - watching and learning more from you than you will ever realize. School is going teach them the 3 Rs, "reading, writing, and arithmetic. Right now you are teaching them the 3 Ls.

1) How to drink Liquor
2) How to Live with an alcoholic.
3) How to Lie to your friends and family.

When I was going through my divorce, my popaw told me that he liked my EX, but my EX wasn't doing right by his family (being a drunken, drugged up, pot-head) and that what he needed was a baseball bat upside his head and to find the Lord. I wonder what popaw would say about you right now. He'd never come right out and say it, but my thought is that he'd be pretty ashamed of you.

You know, I have come to realize why I don't get along with my mama - it is because I was mad at her for a very long time. Mad at her for never getting us kids away from our daddy when he was drunk. Maybe I'm still mad because she taught me to do the same thing she did – stay there and take it.

I did that. And my daughter hated me for it. I did not protect her when she felt she needed it the most. I failed her. It is a parent's duty to protect their children from harm. I finally escaped - but it was too late, the harm had been done - to me and to my kids. Today my daughter is practically living the same life I lived and my son is becoming his father.

Do you want your girls to hate their mother for not protecting them from you when you come home drunk or high? Do you want your girls to hate you for putting their mother and them through this hell? Do you want your son to drink and get high with you? Is that something you look forward to doing? Do you understand what I'm trying to say?

It's a vicious cycle and it needs to be broken - but as long as this continues, that's what's going happen to your family. Do you really want that?

You will say "I'd never harm my kids" - maybe not physically, but you are harming them mentally and emotionally and that hurts far worse than any bruise ever will. Bruises go away. Bad memories stay with you and can definitely cause irreparable harm.

She may continue to put up with your ways and put up with your drinking and getting stoned or high, because deep down inside she'll have hope that one day you’ll wake up. But while all this is going on with you and while she is waiting, you know what will happen - she'll finally come to hate you and hate everything about you. One day she’ll wake up and say, “I’ve had enough, I’m done.”

Things have got to change. You need to admit you have a problem and get help. Quit drinking. Quit medicating yourself with pain pills. Quit smoking pot. Get a job. Help out around the house. Be a father to your children. Be a loving husband. If you can’t do any of these things for your family or even for yourself – then get out of their lives. Lord knows no one can MAKE a person do anything until they are good and ready. She can't make you change your lifestyle - that's entirely your decision. If you are not ready to step up and be the man your family deserves, then I'd really like to know your reason why.


Sissy, I wrote this out of love for you, and if I have overstepped my boundaries or offended you in any way, I truly apologize. I hate seeing you go through the same things I did. You know if you ever need me, I'm a phone call away.

Monday, November 27, 2006

Poor Little Fella

Home today with a sick little boy. Hoping things will soon get back to normal. He's going back to the doctor this afternoon. He's in his favorite spot - he doesn't want anyone but Mommy.

Doctor says that he has a bad sinus infection and has put him on another antibiotic. Am going to work tomorrow -- hope it will be okay to get him out in the morning without making him feel worst.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

A Picture's Worth a Kilo

Saw someone selling this on Ebay yesterday and I thought... I have heard J**** say this. I know it is supposed to be a joke (on the shot glass), but to those who live with an addicted person the humor stings.

By quitting cigarette smoking I understand how hard it is to try to recover from an addiction. The desire for the next fix of nicotine is there, but to me it is not overwhelming. I believe I was able to kick the habit, because of my motive.

A pack of my cigarettes cost between $2.76 to $3.00 a pack. That is $21 a week, and up to $93 a month. It costs $88 per month for our girls to attend Dance class. We are broke, I thought, how can I afford for them to dance -- quit smoking - and you still have $5 to spare. My children ARE my motivation.

J**** has been abstaining from his alcohol addiction. BUT (don't you just love this qualifier).
1. We are broke so no money to buy it
2. He can't drive to go and get anything
3. He is not working thus he is not leaving the house.

Whenever he goes outside to smoke a cigarette, I always say, "Smoke one for me." He retorted last night with, "You go take a drink for me." WOW -- It made me think that my withdrawals have made me understand a bit more how his withdrawals must feel. Irritable, antsy, always in the back of your mind....mmmmmmm nicotine. He hasn't had a drink since November 3, BUT -- there's that qualifier again.

Last night my niece called crying and she was having a flare up with her sarcoidosis disease. She was pitiful saying that no one believed her -- she ended up driving herself to the hospital which is near our house. I told her to stop by and pick up J**** (he loves her, they were friends before J**** and I met). I couldn't go with her because D***** was sick and I was contemplating taking him to the ER myself. He is much better this morning.

I tell you this because as a family member of an addict -- Al-Anon tries to teach you to DETACH from the addicts problem because, "You can't cure it, you can't control it, and you didn't cause it." BUT -- he is at my niece's house -- the ER gave her a very strong painkiller and she could not drive home -- he drove her home. They live in a place that is full of temptation for J****. Her husband, her mother-in-law, her father, her brother are all addicted to something and I worry will he partake. My niece is addicted to Xanax -- I would rather J**** drink than take a Xanax they make him hateful. DETACHMENT is hard.

J**** reads this blog -- so if he makes it through today -- that is 20 days with no drunk alcohol episodes. I have been 14 days with no cigarettes. It is stupid for either of us to turn back now. When he quit drinking on April 22, 2002 for over two years I quit my occasional drinking of alcohol too -- I have not had a drink to this day, and I understand the desire for one. I have that gene too that would make me an alcoholic quick. As I type this, my mouth waters and thinks, Gin would be really good right now. Yes folks, the hard stuff for me, no sissy beer, wine or champagne. Give me Gin, Vodka, or Bourbon.

Our babies deserve the best -- the choices are:

1. a good job OR a good buzz
2. activities for the girls OR a cigarette for mom
3. fairweather friends OR men like those at church who are there as a brother

I really think that J**** understands how seriously I am sick of ALL addictions. Today will tell because he will be faced with temptation and not protected here at home. I pray that he stays on the path. The past week or so have been nice, he has helped me with the children, with budgeting, and with alternative ideas to make quick money, including selling his comic collection on Ebay. That is one sacrifice greatly appreciated, NOW keep sacrificing those addictions to the gods.

By the way -- You know how two people can be in tune with one another and you just know. I DON'T have that gut feeling that today will be a bad day, so I think all will be well for one more day.


Saturday, November 25, 2006

Sick and Tired - for Real

15th - D***** - Bronchitis - he had a chest x-ray. Prescribed azythromycin and albuterol sulfate - no fever
16th - F**** -- Pneumonia - CBC, Catscan, IV - Prescribed augmentin - 102.1 fever
20th - G***** -- Bronchitis - Prescribed amoxicillin and guifenesin with codein - 102.6 fever
20th - G***** -- around 9:00 pm - fever of 105 -- lukewarm baths -- down to 103
22nd - G***** -- Pneumonia - she had a chest x-ray, Prescribed azythromycin and prednisone - fever 101.4

We've been alternating Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen and now we are taking Delsym for cough.

F**** is the only one that is somewhat well.
G***** is coughing and still running a low-grade temp and her little eyes look hollow. I can get her to drink but not eat. When she gets well - we are going to have to take her to a buffet.
D***** - I just took his temp - it is 101.4 his nose is yucky and he is coughing. Guess he's going to the doctor tomorrow to have him tell me that this one has pneumonia too. He's been throwing up but I think that is just where he coughs and the phlegm comes up. I know lovely image there.

Me -- scratchy throat, achy, and tired. Hanging in there.
J**** -- tired too but I don't think he's caught it. We both had tummy troubles yesterday, the ewwww kind.

So what do you do with three sick babies? Watch movies -- thank goodness for free movies from the library. Watch a lot of TV. Color, color, color. Homework from where they missed school. Hold them a lot and let them sleep.

Here's Daddy's masterpiece. That is Larry-Boy the cucumber from Veggie Tales. Strange little cartoon but the kids love it. He has been the main source of entertainment and go get'm guy -- while I have been the main source of "hold me, hold me."

Someone commented the other day that he was probably drunk when Ms. F**** was getting her IV. He was there holding her and sober -- she wanted her daddy. It's a little girl thing. I was the same way and yes, he does a lot of stupid, inconsiderate stuff, but like my Daddy he can soothe and calm his little girl down in a matter of seconds. Kind of like the song -- Daddy's Hands by the Judds.

We've actually made a pretty darn good team these past few days.

For Thanksgiving we went to J****'s Mom and Pa's house. The food was good. The kids and I made fudge and it was a big hit. The kids were not feeling well. D***** had been feeling pretty good up until we got there then he started getting lethargic and feverish.

I don't allow people to smoke in our house. They do. There were a total of four smokers in approximately a 1100 square foot house. I think this escalated the problem with the respiratory problems. I made this comment to J**** after I excused us early from the festivities. It made him angry. I explained to him that I would have done the same if it had been Thanksgiving at my parents where there are also smokers. Oh and yes, I am still smoke free and getting fatter. Here's D***** sick and tired with his Pa.It is now 4:00 am and I have two children awake and acting like they feel much better -- it is amazing what a dose of acetaminaphin will do. D***** is furniture diving and laughing.

Those of you with kids -- have you ever noticed that they will act very sick, lethargic, to the point of death at home, but when you get them to the doctor -- you would think that the Mama is crazy because the child acts and seems healthy. Aaaaarrrrrrgggggghhhhhh.

Alcohol update:
At his mother's (Granny S) house she was bragging about J****'s battle with staying sober and said that she thought he had been doing well for a time now. (I have stopped giving her details, it worries her, and she's not healthy.) Anyway, I rolled my eyes, sister-in-law giggled and Granny S looked at me and said, he is hanging in there isn't he? I just grinned and crooked my pinky to indicate that he was barely hanging on and gently said -- "for the most part but he falls off the wagon about once every two weeks."
Saturday the 18th he told me he was going to book tobacco to make some extra money. He came home with no money (so he says, but there was a $50 bill in his pocket when I went to do laundry today) and a really good buzz. Just an average too much to drink, nothing eventful, just real disappointing. Six beers is what he says.

Keep us in your prayers -- I would like to get them well before Monday so they can go back to school and I can go back to work.

Happy Holidays and i hear child number three waking up. Of course -- I'm sleepy and want to go back to bed...Oh the joys of being a mother. Guess I'll start the pancakes and coffee.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

2,190 Days ago (give or take a leap day)

November 22, 2000 - We were married.

Sixth Anniversary

A great way to combine both traditional themes would be to arrange a gourmet assortment of favorite candies in a decorative iron bowl. Wrap it in fancy cello tied with a ribbon, and perhaps attach a gift certificate to the local candy shop. Iron gifts can include a wide array of items like an iron skillet, trivet, plant stand, golf clubs, or an iron sculpture. Alternatively, a wood themed gift could be an exotic plant or gardening gear.

Traditional: Candy / Iron
Modern: Iron
Alternate Modern: Wood

How romantic this day was six years ago. F**** turned six months old on this day. We were sitting on the couch and I happened to think that the license we bought was about to expire. So, we looked at each other and said -- "Hey, seems like a good day to me." So we called the judge executive's office and were married that afternoon. One of the women in the judge's office was my witness and J****'s brother-in-law came to town to witness for him. J****'s mother met us outside the office as we were leaving. She was happy and took our picture (which I cannot find or I'd scan it for this blog.) We went home and went on as normal. We've been married for six years today. Longer than my first marriage.

How we met

My divorce from my first husband was final. I was house sitting for a good friend (God rest her soul). It was a Sunday morning and I decided to return home to check on things, shower, change and go to church. My niece was living with me at the time. My niece had a small party at my house. Her, her boyfriend, another couple, J****, and another really wierd guy were crashing at my house. I come into the house, all is in proper order, just people everywhere. I go into my room -- which is off limits to her company -- no one was in there. Without waking anyone, I get my things and head to the shower. When I get out of the shower, the wierd guy is on my bed. At this moment, I get really pissed and wake everyone in the house and run them all off, except for one -- J****. He was lying on the couch asleep, he had just gotten out of jail (I didn't know that at the time), he was cute and he was ripped. I was newly divorced and he's young, I'm in my thirties, ooooooooooh the possibilities.

Three amazing possibilities later. We are still together and here are our songs:

Mushy mushy time -- I'd say "I love you", he'd say "I love you more." Here's a song -- I'll just give the chorus...


"I'll Still Love You More"


If you say that you love me
More than anybody
Than anyone's ever been loved before
As much as you love me
Baby, I'll still love you
Baby, I'll still love you more
I'll still love you more


Then there was our song that was for all the naysayers, that said it wouldn't work because -- of the age difference:

Artist: Shania Twain Lyrics
Song: Your still the one Lyrics

Looks like we made it
Look how far we've come my baby
We mighta took the long way
We knew we'd get there someday

They said, I bet they'll never make it
But just look at us holding on
We're still together still going strong

(You're still the one)
You're still the one I run to
The one that I belong to
You're the one I want for life
(You're still the one)
You're still the one that I love
The only one I dream of
You're still the one I kiss good night

Ain't nothin' better
We beat the odds together
I'm glad we didn't listen
Look at what we would be missin'

They said, I bet they'll never make it
But just look at us holding on
We're still together still going strong

(You're still the one)
You're still the one I run to
The one that I belong to
You're the one I want for life
(You're still the one)
You're still the one that I love
The only one I dream of
You're still the one I kiss good night

(You're still the one)
You're still the one I run to
The one that I belong to
You're the one I want for life
(You're still the one)
You're still the one that I love
The only one I dream of
You're still the one I kiss good night

I'm so glad we made it
Look how far we've come my baby

Today is an anniversary -- not a day to dwell on his or my negatives, but to celebrate what I love about him. Tomorrow - will be Thanksgiving and we'll dwell on what we are thankful for... Right now we have invested 2,190 days to this union. A milestone in this society -- some may say a stumbling block --but today, it is our milestone.

Friday, November 17, 2006

I'm a Quitter

Well, I've quit smoking. I stopped Sunday November 12 around 10:00 am.

I've been meaner than hell. But I've not had a cigarette. Two coworkers and I set our stop date for the 12th because the Farmer's Almanac said that was a good day to quit. We didn't even know that this week was the Great American Smokeout Week. We just did it.

You know -- cigarette smoke smell stinks.

J**** is a smoker and well, he stinks. My van, it stinks. Other folks who smoke -- I can smell them and they stink. As one of my coworkers noted: She feels so guilty about how bad it stinks because her little boy had to get into that stinky car and whenever she would hold him next to her, you know he had to think, "Gee mom, you stink." Same thing goes for mine too, I guess.

It might just stick this time, because S**** and I are competitive and you'd have to threaten us with our lives to ake us lose to the other one.

Still working on the budgeting thing, trying to catch up so I can follow DR's baby steps.

I have two sick young'ns.

Took D***** the toddler to the doctor on Wednesday and they gave him a chest x-ray. He has bronchitis and is now on an antibiotic and albuterol sulfate. I think the albuterol gives him a buzz.

Took F**** the six year old to the doctor yesterday and she had to have a blood test (CBC) and a cat scan. They thought she had appendicitis with the possibility that it had ruptured. It ended up being pneumonia. It is awful to watch nurses and lab technicians poke and prod your baby with needles. I cried. She cried. She screamed, I cried. She begged them to stop. I cried. It was a horrible day for the child.

She was having excruciating stomach pain. We went straight to the doctor and bypassed the other patients. They sent her for bloodwork, then to the catscan. She had to drink that nasty stuff that coats your stomach, she cried. It was nasty. She had to get an IV. All this with a fever of 102.6. After all was said and done and she woke up on the examining table where she fell asleep waiting for the test results, she looked at all of us adults (after six hours of tests) and wisely says. "Well, that wasn't all that bad."

I love her. I'm glad it wasn't a ruptured appendix, she is on antibiotics now.

The doctors told us to run the vaporizor and ours has a light on it. So D***** thinks it is hot and will not go near it. He points and says "Hot" and walks a big circle around it. So cute.

Does J**** have a job?

I have no clue. The concrete contractor has not called him back since he hurt his knee. He's been helping a carpeting subcontractor. But that is only when the guy needs help and can't do the job by himself. So as far as monetary support. I count him out.

Hey, if I put a paypal button on this blog -- reckon anyone would donate to taking care of this family. The kids would mail you really cool thank you cards and stuff.

Oh well. We'll make it -- we always do.

Happy upcoming Thanksgiving. Guess my next entry will be the ever popular. What are you Thankful for?

Thursday, November 09, 2006

53 Years Ago

November 9, 1953 Mama married Daddy. April 22, 1954 Sis was born. Do the math.

Back in 1953 a pregnancy out of wedlock in a small town was a terrible thing. To this day, Mama will not allude to this, she will not discuss this, they do not mention that it is their anniversary (Daddy will, but not Mama).

Daddy has been an alcoholic as long as I can remember. Sis and I both wonder, is she happy, has she ever been happy? Mama told me once, "If I had it to do over, I'd have had my kids without keeping the man." We are the joys in her life. Looking from the outside in -- poor Mama.

Daddy has always provided. He has worked. He is a miserable ol' codger at times, but he has a funny dry wit. He is big-hearted to a fault, I think most alcoholics are that way.

I think I lived through the brunt of the alcoholism, when it was really, really bad.
I remember a time he was sitting in the recliner, definitely a blackout. "I was young, 10 or 12 and remember verbatim. I could have been somebody, UK was looking at me for a scholarship, I was just a boy, not out of school, but had to take care of family. I could have been someone." Then he began lamenting about the babies that died at birth. So as you see, there's no satisfying an alcoholic when they want to feel sorry for themselves.

But, I also remember Mama being sick and Daddy taking care of her, the home, and all of us, and worrying, because he does love her very much. This last time Mama was in the hospital and I drove Daddy to/from the hospital, he spoke so lovingly about her, he knows he's done stuff and I believe he's sorry, he felt so useless because he couldn't take care of her during her stay at the hospital. He had just had cataract surgery and couldn't drive, couldn't see to dial the phone, and he was lonely without her.

When I was going to counseling, BHO talked about being bitter, and I have mentioned that in this blog before, my Mama is bitter. She has a hard shell that protects her from being hurt. She holds grudges in a "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me" sort of attitude. She asks lots of questions of her children, it annoys us, but I think it is her way of finding out if we are getting bitter too, keeping us open, keeping our shells soft so we are not as hardhearted as her. Even though we are adults, she's our Mama and to her, to me, to you Sis, we will NEVER stop being her babies, and we will NEVER stop trying to protect our young.

Oh, poor Mama, both of her precious baby girls married an alcoholic. Sis, your daughter married a man with an addiction, your son is an alcoholic. Oh, dear God, what will I do when my son takes his first drink, and my daughter's marry their Father. Will I be my mother?

Poor Mama. I am so sorry.

NOTE: Daddy still drinks, but not to the extent that he did in the past. He is a wonderful man and he loves us so. He put us through a lot, but now well he's an old fart that spends his day out in the garage away from the old bat in the house watching those rotten grandkids of his. I thank God everynight for both of them. Without them, I would be lost.

Exciting Stuff: My brother was on NPR Radio today playing his viola. He's bald.