Monday, December 31, 2007

Jumping on the Bandwagon

Yep -- New Year's Resolutions...

Here we go!!! In no particular order.

To be a better mother. I have been impatient lately, scatterbrained, and less attentive than I should be. I have let things fall through the cracks. Incorporated in this is to be better keeper at home as the Bible says to be in Titus 2:5. The house is a mess, the kids get frustrated, I get grumpy. All is a whirlwind right now. I need to focus more on them and less on the husband, myself, and petty things of the world. In doing this, I want to put myself and the children on a schedule for doing things such as chores, nightly meals, homework time and adding a nightly family devotional.

To be a better wife. To be encouraging rather than discouraging. To not talk to him of only the negative things of my day or the childrens' day, but of the positive things and to thank him for being a good employee. I also want to encourage him by remembering that he is NOT a mind reader and that if I want him to do something, I need to let him know that I want something done, but not assume that he knows what I want. I will also strive to be more encouraging as a good example of a Godly woman and mother. To encourage him to want to learn more of Jesus and fill the emptiness inside of him.

To be healthier. I have let this slide. In so doing I will resume my taking of my antidepressant and begin eating better. Living with two high metabolism people in my household has been my bane in succombing to their peer pressure. I also want to stop smoking again. Daughter #2 is very disturbed by my smoking habit. I must remember that my body is the Lord's temple.

To get the budget back under control. I have let it slide and need to get back on track. To recoup my savings and get the snowball rolling once again. God has blessed me with a lot and it is my job to be a good steward of those things that He has provided me. To not waste my talents.

To share God's gift with those around me. By being a good example to those I come in contact, by controlling my tongue and not using idle and vain language (cursing), as it says in Luke 6:44, "every tree is known by its fruit." We sing a hymn that speaks of the end of time and seeing a worldly acquaintance and them saying "You never mentioned Him to me." This is sad, there are many people that I care deeply about that I wish that I discussed my desire for them to have God in their lives, but I didn't. Will they see me in judgment and say to me those sad words? "You never mentioned Him to me, You helped me not the light to see."

To be a better employee. I am blessed with a wonderful workplace that tolerates the fact that I am a mother first and foremost. At times, I take this for granted. I should work harder and more efficiently. I should learn and grow as an employee and do my best for those that have put their trust in my abilities. I need to remember that they are a blessing and that I should serve them as the Lord, Ephesians 6:5-6.

Well -- that's a tall order. Guess I'd better get busy.

and for you...
The Lord bless you and keep you;
The Lord make His face shine upon you,
And be gracious to you;
The Lord lift up His countenance upon you,
And give you peace.

Numbers 6:24-26

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Christmas Reflections

Many of us will find many familiar things in this song!!!
Just for laughs!!! Actually we've had a great Christmas and the house looks like Santa's Workshop exploded inside of it.

Luv ya'll.


Monday, December 24, 2007

Merry Christmas

May you all be blessed as much as we were this Holiday Season. Peace and Joy to you all.


Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Tag -- I'm It

OK -- I was tagged, never been tagged in a blog before, so I have taken a while to think of the answers, and now I will attempt to answer.

Thanks to my lovely cyberfriend MeHereNow.

I attempted to use this as an exercise in introspection. Here's the rules as she posted them.

Eight random facts

(1) Each player starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves.

(2) People who are tagged need to write a post on their own blog (about their eight things) and post these rules.

(3) At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.

(4) Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

In No Particular Order...

  1. I am a procrastinator. I am most creative when I am working under stress.
  2. I was a drum major in high school. Played the clarinet and went to college on a music scholarship.
  3. I am mean. One of those people who will kill you with kindness. Yep, not a pretty sight.
  4. My favorite color is yellow. I read this thing one time that says that people who have the color yellow as their favorite have a tendency to suffer from mental illnesses.
  5. I do not like Christmas. Too many bad memories and it never lives up to my expectations. However, I do believe in Santa Claus.
  6. I am a poser. I can make you think that I am schooled in just about anything. Learn a few buzz words, like "firewall", and you will think I am "all that and a bag of chips."
  7. I graduated in the top 5% of my high school class, I scored high on all aptitude tests, was accepted into and attended a prestigious University, and never cracked a book.
  8. I would rather be hit than yelled at. My self-esteem is low and belittling me hurts a whole lot worse and lasts a whole lot longer than anything physical.

I know -- weird, but you asked for it, you got it.
Watch out folks, here I come to tag you.

Monday, December 17, 2007

The BOY turned Three

On December 13, the boy turned three.

After getting all of the new fangled goodies this is what he decided to do...
So much more fun than playing with toys...don't ya think?

Back to Work and Then Some

Update on J****'s health --

The doctor released J**** to go back to work. He went back last night on restricted duty, but at least he is back. He is glad to be back. He is still favoring his left arm and it still hurts quite a bit and is tender.

Griping and Moaning Time --

He had been off of work since the end of November and hadn't lifted one finger to do anything around the house. I don't know who has it better, him or the dog. This causes me to feel resentment and think -- are we not worth your putting forth an effort to do something around here.

Before Thanksgiving, it looked like a bunch of rednecks lived in our house. Before we hosted the dinner, I cooked, cleaned, and even cleaned the yard. I mean pulling up dead vines, moving branches, putting back his tools that he left strung everywhere. My goodness -- did his parents do everything for him but wipe his hind end?

I am tired, worn to a frazzle, stressed, and being forgetful. Last year I was so good about getting the kids to functions, getting supper, homework, baths, etc... done. This year -- I can't make it work. Something is constantly falling through the cracks.

I need to purge. With father-in-law living with us, everything is all upside-down. I need to get rid of a bunch of toys, clothes, etc that were once living in "his" room and are now everywhere. Sad thing is -- the boy no longer has a room and I guess what I need to do is move the girls back in together and give the boy one of their rooms. Honestly, I don't know if father-in-law will ever leave. He is content. I am a mal-content. I can take someone for so long, but now that he has started back to drinking (never at our house) and coming in and zonking out, I can't stand it. He leaves work and goes straight to the bar, drinks what he considers his limit, then comes to the house and goes to bed. Makes life awkward.

When he first moved in -- he took on the two responsibilities of laundry and dishes. Well -- guess who is doing them again? Yep, me. Every once in a while he will clean the kitchen, but that is if he hasn't gone to the bar.

Our Night Out --

Mother-in-law offered to take all three kids for an evening and hubby took her up on it. He went on about how we needed time alone to reconnect and how we could be with one another (blah, blah, blah.) Honestly, I was dreading the night. For one reason, the mother-in-law is not healthy and I was worried about her being able to handle them. But thankfully, they were all very well behaved. I guess that is a credit to the least I hope it is.

So, I get home from work to pick up J**** and kids to deliver them to his mama and he had been drinking. His mama spotted it right away and gave him 9 kinds of hell. She flew up one side of him and down the other and stated that the only reason that she didn't "knock the shit" out of him was because her grandbabies were there and the only reason she didn't send him away was because of me. She may be crazy, but she loves me.

So, what did we end up doing, heck -- I just took him out and got him drunker. I had a drink, too. First time since April of 2002 - shame on me. Fed him and went and finished up Christmas shopping. Took him home -- briefly reacquainted ourselves (beer dick is well ewww) and went to sleep. Next day -- he laid around on couch, I studied about the server I am building at work and wrapped Christmas presents.

His sobriety or lack thereof --

He hides his alcohol, he hides empty cans. The kids find them. I told him this is the same as lying and to just be a man and put them in the fridge -- because I don't give a rat's butt anymore and as long as he is asleep when we get home and I don't have to deal with him - I don't care. More or less -- we all live in a big ol' house and are happy to live our own lives and are miserable when we see each other.

Misery / Contentment --

We had a guest speaker at church one night, a soldier from Iraq. He pointed out that contentment is something you can only give yourself. You have to make the choice in whatever situation to be happy or to be miserable. My father says, he has made the decision to be miserable. Earlier that day I had told J**** that I was miserable. But, you know what -- "This world is not my home." So I should be content -- it is only temporary -- I will work on myself, J**** will just have to work on himself, cuz I sure enough can't fix him.

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Perception is Reality

aka -- Meddlesome old women

Where to start? Not for sure really.

My sister is having a rough time right now. She feels unappreciated and taken advantage of...sometimes that is the story of being a mom. I am worried about her. But, she is resilient. You can go to her blog and read her story if you are interested. I know that when her daughter and family moved in with her -- she let them know that this was not a permanent situation. I know that she had expectations of them. I know that she doesn't feel that they kept up their end of the bargain. I know that she is scared for her daughter -- because in this world a person's perception of a situation is also that person's reality of the situation.

NOTE: Niece and hubby -- if you read this, read it all the way through. This is not criticism, this is love. This is in no way to put you down, but to build you up. This is from my heart - and yes, sometimes the truth hurts but as the Bible says, "The truth will set you free."

"Perception is reality." -- my dear friend DT (God rest her soul) used to say that a lot.
  • Perception is that they do not have the money to make a go of it on their own. Reality is -- they did not pay her and owe her a lot of money, and she suffered a great deal financially. Reality is -- she is NOT worried about her money, but worries about how they will make it, if they couldn't help her.
  • Perception is that he does not want to work. Reality is -- he has not held a job for an extended period of time, specifically a job where he has to be accountable to the government, and accountable for himself with the threat of random drug-testing. Reality is -- my husband used to be the same way. Reality is -- my sister's ex, my niece's father was the same way. Reality is -- if you don't pay into some sort of retirement system, you are screwed when you get old. Reality is -- you don't want to end up like those 50 year old men whose families have left them and don't want to see them because of their past addictions and shortcomings -- who live in their garages, or alone in an apartment, you don't want your children to despise you when they grow up.
  • Perception is that no one takes my niece's disease seriously and no one other than Sis, or myself will take care of her. Reality is -- all mama's think that no one is going to take care of her baby as good as she does. Reality is -- she doesn't take care of herself unless someone is fighting her to do so. Reality is -- I sat and watched two people that should have loved her dearly ignore a respiratory therapist and say that neither one of them had the time for that. Reality is -- I think her husband is scared to death of this disease and doesn't know how to cope with it and doesn't even want to consider that he could lose someone that close to him again.
  • Perception is they have gone from bad to worst. Reality is -- hopefully not that. Hopefully they have hit their "rock bottom" and have decided to stop being addicted to being in turmoil, to stop being addicted to drama, to stop being addicted to "woe is me." Believe me -- those are addictive. Hopefully reality is that the government assisted housing, which I am praying is not a drug infested cesspool, is just a stepping stone to giving those beautiful angels that the Lord has blessed them with a better life and a stable life.
  • Perception is that the fruit doesn't fall far from the tree. Reality is--they moved back to the orchard.
  • Perception is that we are meddlesome old fools. Reality is--no matter what, we are here for them and always have been. Reality is -- when no one else would, we did. Reality is -- we love them. Reality is -- we have a hard time letting go. Reality is -- they had better be glad we are meddlesome old fools and not once have they fooled these old fools. Reality is -- we may be mouthy, me may be critical, yes salt may burn the wound but it also cures. Reality is -- that is the way we are, and more than likely we will not change.
  • Perception is that all they did was fight. Reality is -- they laughed, they cried, they fought, they loved, they were a family. Reality is -- that family was torn apart without much notice and no adjustment period for the children or the person left alone. Reality is -- she did the same to me on multiple occasions - because it is too hard for her to say goodbye. Reality is -- we are the most harsh to the ones that we love and that we know will love us unconditionally.
  • Perception is that they are deadbeats. Reality is -- the government sucks in this arena. Reality is -- if you are getting government assistance, you are stuck. Reality is -- if you get a job making minimum wage, they take your foodstamps away -- and in this economy, you cannot feed two adults and two children on minimum wage. Reality is -- scary for them.
  • Perception is that he is a worthless, wimpy, sack of poo. Reality is -- I know better. Reality is -- he's very bright and took the GED and passed on his first try without studying. Reality is -- he's had one hell of a life, that no young man should have had to endure. Reality is -- I know he is scared. Reality is -- he had no manly guidance in that critical period when he really needed it. Reality is -- I know he can, I wouldn't have invested money in his business venture if I didn't think he can. Reality is -- he had best stop disappointing me because out of the whole crew of drunken, drugged out misfits (BS, JN, EP, GF, RB, etc...) I thought he would be the one to rise above it all and be the one they would all be looking up to.
  • Perception is he can't and he won't. Reality is -- he can if he remembers a few things.
    • The answers to life's problems don't come in a bottle, in a pill, in a rolling paper but from trusting in God. Happiness isn't in these things. These things drag you down. I KNOW you can do without these things.
    • The testimony to a good man are his children first and his wife. If your children are successful and taken care of, if they are happy, safe, secure, and provided for then you are successful.
    • Mama told J**** when F**** was born, that a child only hears about 10% of what you say, but sees 90% of the things you do. Be a good example.
    • The Bible says for a man to leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife (I think this is a two way street.) Sometimes you have to just listen to the meddlesome old fools (me, his mama, her mama, granny) and take it for what it is "advice", then stand on your own two feet and make the BEST decision for your family.
    • Papaw J said, marriage is 100/100 not 50/50. You both have to give it your all.
    • Take care of yourself mentally and physically.
    • Trust in the Lord, and trust yourself, trust each other.
    • Someone once called J**** a piece of shit -- I responded that God does NOT make shit, but all are created in His image.
    • You have no where to go but up.
    • Please take care of our babies.
  • Perception is she's just like her daddy. Reality is -- in some ways she is, and in other ways she's like her mama. Reality is -- she's her own person trying to find her way but can't figure out the map. Reality is -- she's tired and she's tired of being pushed down each time she tries. Reality is -- she is sick. Reality is -- she's got two young children and just wants a break. Reality is -- she too is a meddlesome old fool. Reality is -- she's a lot like me. Reality is -- I sometimes feel that I failed her and that I should have shown her a better way than catering to, and allowing a man to rule her, that I should have taught her to be stronger, that I should have been harder on her, that I should have taught her more about the comfort of having God in her life. Reality is -- she is deep down, wonderful.
A meddlesome old fool.