Monday, December 31, 2007

Jumping on the Bandwagon

Yep -- New Year's Resolutions...

Here we go!!! In no particular order.


To be a better mother. I have been impatient lately, scatterbrained, and less attentive than I should be. I have let things fall through the cracks. Incorporated in this is to be better keeper at home as the Bible says to be in Titus 2:5. The house is a mess, the kids get frustrated, I get grumpy. All is a whirlwind right now. I need to focus more on them and less on the husband, myself, and petty things of the world. In doing this, I want to put myself and the children on a schedule for doing things such as chores, nightly meals, homework time and adding a nightly family devotional.

To be a better wife. To be encouraging rather than discouraging. To not talk to him of only the negative things of my day or the childrens' day, but of the positive things and to thank him for being a good employee. I also want to encourage him by remembering that he is NOT a mind reader and that if I want him to do something, I need to let him know that I want something done, but not assume that he knows what I want. I will also strive to be more encouraging as a good example of a Godly woman and mother. To encourage him to want to learn more of Jesus and fill the emptiness inside of him.

To be healthier. I have let this slide. In so doing I will resume my taking of my antidepressant and begin eating better. Living with two high metabolism people in my household has been my bane in succombing to their peer pressure. I also want to stop smoking again. Daughter #2 is very disturbed by my smoking habit. I must remember that my body is the Lord's temple.

To get the budget back under control. I have let it slide and need to get back on track. To recoup my savings and get the snowball rolling once again. God has blessed me with a lot and it is my job to be a good steward of those things that He has provided me. To not waste my talents.

To share God's gift with those around me. By being a good example to those I come in contact, by controlling my tongue and not using idle and vain language (cursing), as it says in Luke 6:44, "every tree is known by its fruit." We sing a hymn that speaks of the end of time and seeing a worldly acquaintance and them saying "You never mentioned Him to me." This is sad, there are many people that I care deeply about that I wish that I discussed my desire for them to have God in their lives, but I didn't. Will they see me in judgment and say to me those sad words? "You never mentioned Him to me, You helped me not the light to see."

To be a better employee. I am blessed with a wonderful workplace that tolerates the fact that I am a mother first and foremost. At times, I take this for granted. I should work harder and more efficiently. I should learn and grow as an employee and do my best for those that have put their trust in my abilities. I need to remember that they are a blessing and that I should serve them as the Lord, Ephesians 6:5-6.

Well -- that's a tall order. Guess I'd better get busy.

and for you...
The Lord bless you and keep you;
The Lord make His face shine upon you,
And be gracious to you;
The Lord lift up His countenance upon you,
And give you peace.

Numbers 6:24-26


Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Christmas Reflections


Many of us will find many familiar things in this song!!!
Just for laughs!!! Actually we've had a great Christmas and the house looks like Santa's Workshop exploded inside of it.

Luv ya'll.

Nay

Monday, December 24, 2007

Merry Christmas

May you all be blessed as much as we were this Holiday Season. Peace and Joy to you all.

Nay

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Tag -- I'm It

OK -- I was tagged, never been tagged in a blog before, so I have taken a while to think of the answers, and now I will attempt to answer.

Thanks to my lovely cyberfriend MeHereNow.

I attempted to use this as an exercise in introspection. Here's the rules as she posted them.

Eight random facts


(1) Each player starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves.

(2) People who are tagged need to write a post on their own blog (about their eight things) and post these rules.

(3) At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.

(4) Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.


In No Particular Order...

  1. I am a procrastinator. I am most creative when I am working under stress.
  2. I was a drum major in high school. Played the clarinet and went to college on a music scholarship.
  3. I am mean. One of those people who will kill you with kindness. Yep, not a pretty sight.
  4. My favorite color is yellow. I read this thing one time that says that people who have the color yellow as their favorite have a tendency to suffer from mental illnesses.
  5. I do not like Christmas. Too many bad memories and it never lives up to my expectations. However, I do believe in Santa Claus.
  6. I am a poser. I can make you think that I am schooled in just about anything. Learn a few buzz words, like "firewall", and you will think I am "all that and a bag of chips."
  7. I graduated in the top 5% of my high school class, I scored high on all aptitude tests, was accepted into and attended a prestigious University, and never cracked a book.
  8. I would rather be hit than yelled at. My self-esteem is low and belittling me hurts a whole lot worse and lasts a whole lot longer than anything physical.

I know -- weird, but you asked for it, you got it.
Watch out folks, here I come to tag you.

Monday, December 17, 2007

The BOY turned Three

On December 13, the boy turned three.




After getting all of the new fangled goodies this is what he decided to do...
So much more fun than playing with toys...don't ya think?

Back to Work and Then Some

Update on J****'s health --

The doctor released J**** to go back to work. He went back last night on restricted duty, but at least he is back. He is glad to be back. He is still favoring his left arm and it still hurts quite a bit and is tender.


Griping and Moaning Time --

He had been off of work since the end of November and hadn't lifted one finger to do anything around the house. I don't know who has it better, him or the dog. This causes me to feel resentment and think -- are we not worth your putting forth an effort to do something around here.

Before Thanksgiving, it looked like a bunch of rednecks lived in our house. Before we hosted the dinner, I cooked, cleaned, and even cleaned the yard. I mean pulling up dead vines, moving branches, putting back his tools that he left strung everywhere. My goodness -- did his parents do everything for him but wipe his hind end?

I am tired, worn to a frazzle, stressed, and being forgetful. Last year I was so good about getting the kids to functions, getting supper, homework, baths, etc... done. This year -- I can't make it work. Something is constantly falling through the cracks.

I need to purge. With father-in-law living with us, everything is all upside-down. I need to get rid of a bunch of toys, clothes, etc that were once living in "his" room and are now everywhere. Sad thing is -- the boy no longer has a room and I guess what I need to do is move the girls back in together and give the boy one of their rooms. Honestly, I don't know if father-in-law will ever leave. He is content. I am a mal-content. I can take someone for so long, but now that he has started back to drinking (never at our house) and coming in and zonking out, I can't stand it. He leaves work and goes straight to the bar, drinks what he considers his limit, then comes to the house and goes to bed. Makes life awkward.

When he first moved in -- he took on the two responsibilities of laundry and dishes. Well -- guess who is doing them again? Yep, me. Every once in a while he will clean the kitchen, but that is if he hasn't gone to the bar.

Our Night Out --

Mother-in-law offered to take all three kids for an evening and hubby took her up on it. He went on about how we needed time alone to reconnect and how we could be with one another (blah, blah, blah.) Honestly, I was dreading the night. For one reason, the mother-in-law is not healthy and I was worried about her being able to handle them. But thankfully, they were all very well behaved. I guess that is a credit to the parents...at least I hope it is.

So, I get home from work to pick up J**** and kids to deliver them to his mama and he had been drinking. His mama spotted it right away and gave him 9 kinds of hell. She flew up one side of him and down the other and stated that the only reason that she didn't "knock the shit" out of him was because her grandbabies were there and the only reason she didn't send him away was because of me. She may be crazy, but she loves me.

So, what did we end up doing, heck -- I just took him out and got him drunker. I had a drink, too. First time since April of 2002 - shame on me. Fed him and went and finished up Christmas shopping. Took him home -- briefly reacquainted ourselves (beer dick is well ewww) and went to sleep. Next day -- he laid around on couch, I studied about the server I am building at work and wrapped Christmas presents.

His sobriety or lack thereof --

He hides his alcohol, he hides empty cans. The kids find them. I told him this is the same as lying and to just be a man and put them in the fridge -- because I don't give a rat's butt anymore and as long as he is asleep when we get home and I don't have to deal with him - I don't care. More or less -- we all live in a big ol' house and are happy to live our own lives and are miserable when we see each other.

Misery / Contentment --

We had a guest speaker at church one night, a soldier from Iraq. He pointed out that contentment is something you can only give yourself. You have to make the choice in whatever situation to be happy or to be miserable. My father says, he has made the decision to be miserable. Earlier that day I had told J**** that I was miserable. But, you know what -- "This world is not my home." So I should be content -- it is only temporary -- I will work on myself, J**** will just have to work on himself, cuz I sure enough can't fix him.

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Perception is Reality

aka -- Meddlesome old women

Where to start? Not for sure really.

My sister is having a rough time right now. She feels unappreciated and taken advantage of...sometimes that is the story of being a mom. I am worried about her. But, she is resilient. You can go to her blog and read her story if you are interested. I know that when her daughter and family moved in with her -- she let them know that this was not a permanent situation. I know that she had expectations of them. I know that she doesn't feel that they kept up their end of the bargain. I know that she is scared for her daughter -- because in this world a person's perception of a situation is also that person's reality of the situation.

NOTE: Niece and hubby -- if you read this, read it all the way through. This is not criticism, this is love. This is in no way to put you down, but to build you up. This is from my heart - and yes, sometimes the truth hurts but as the Bible says, "The truth will set you free."

"Perception is reality." -- my dear friend DT (God rest her soul) used to say that a lot.
  • Perception is that they do not have the money to make a go of it on their own. Reality is -- they did not pay her and owe her a lot of money, and she suffered a great deal financially. Reality is -- she is NOT worried about her money, but worries about how they will make it, if they couldn't help her.
  • Perception is that he does not want to work. Reality is -- he has not held a job for an extended period of time, specifically a job where he has to be accountable to the government, and accountable for himself with the threat of random drug-testing. Reality is -- my husband used to be the same way. Reality is -- my sister's ex, my niece's father was the same way. Reality is -- if you don't pay into some sort of retirement system, you are screwed when you get old. Reality is -- you don't want to end up like those 50 year old men whose families have left them and don't want to see them because of their past addictions and shortcomings -- who live in their garages, or alone in an apartment, you don't want your children to despise you when they grow up.
  • Perception is that no one takes my niece's disease seriously and no one other than Sis, or myself will take care of her. Reality is -- all mama's think that no one is going to take care of her baby as good as she does. Reality is -- she doesn't take care of herself unless someone is fighting her to do so. Reality is -- I sat and watched two people that should have loved her dearly ignore a respiratory therapist and say that neither one of them had the time for that. Reality is -- I think her husband is scared to death of this disease and doesn't know how to cope with it and doesn't even want to consider that he could lose someone that close to him again.
  • Perception is they have gone from bad to worst. Reality is -- hopefully not that. Hopefully they have hit their "rock bottom" and have decided to stop being addicted to being in turmoil, to stop being addicted to drama, to stop being addicted to "woe is me." Believe me -- those are addictive. Hopefully reality is that the government assisted housing, which I am praying is not a drug infested cesspool, is just a stepping stone to giving those beautiful angels that the Lord has blessed them with a better life and a stable life.
  • Perception is that the fruit doesn't fall far from the tree. Reality is--they moved back to the orchard.
  • Perception is that we are meddlesome old fools. Reality is--no matter what, we are here for them and always have been. Reality is -- when no one else would, we did. Reality is -- we love them. Reality is -- we have a hard time letting go. Reality is -- they had better be glad we are meddlesome old fools and not once have they fooled these old fools. Reality is -- we may be mouthy, me may be critical, yes salt may burn the wound but it also cures. Reality is -- that is the way we are, and more than likely we will not change.
  • Perception is that all they did was fight. Reality is -- they laughed, they cried, they fought, they loved, they were a family. Reality is -- that family was torn apart without much notice and no adjustment period for the children or the person left alone. Reality is -- she did the same to me on multiple occasions - because it is too hard for her to say goodbye. Reality is -- we are the most harsh to the ones that we love and that we know will love us unconditionally.
  • Perception is that they are deadbeats. Reality is -- the government sucks in this arena. Reality is -- if you are getting government assistance, you are stuck. Reality is -- if you get a job making minimum wage, they take your foodstamps away -- and in this economy, you cannot feed two adults and two children on minimum wage. Reality is -- scary for them.
  • Perception is that he is a worthless, wimpy, sack of poo. Reality is -- I know better. Reality is -- he's very bright and took the GED and passed on his first try without studying. Reality is -- he's had one hell of a life, that no young man should have had to endure. Reality is -- I know he is scared. Reality is -- he had no manly guidance in that critical period when he really needed it. Reality is -- I know he can, I wouldn't have invested money in his business venture if I didn't think he can. Reality is -- he had best stop disappointing me because out of the whole crew of drunken, drugged out misfits (BS, JN, EP, GF, RB, etc...) I thought he would be the one to rise above it all and be the one they would all be looking up to.
  • Perception is he can't and he won't. Reality is -- he can if he remembers a few things.
    • The answers to life's problems don't come in a bottle, in a pill, in a rolling paper but from trusting in God. Happiness isn't in these things. These things drag you down. I KNOW you can do without these things.
    • The testimony to a good man are his children first and his wife. If your children are successful and taken care of, if they are happy, safe, secure, and provided for then you are successful.
    • Mama told J**** when F**** was born, that a child only hears about 10% of what you say, but sees 90% of the things you do. Be a good example.
    • The Bible says for a man to leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife (I think this is a two way street.) Sometimes you have to just listen to the meddlesome old fools (me, his mama, her mama, granny) and take it for what it is "advice", then stand on your own two feet and make the BEST decision for your family.
    • Papaw J said, marriage is 100/100 not 50/50. You both have to give it your all.
    • Take care of yourself mentally and physically.
    • Trust in the Lord, and trust yourself, trust each other.
    • Someone once called J**** a piece of shit -- I responded that God does NOT make shit, but all are created in His image.
    • You have no where to go but up.
    • Please take care of our babies.
  • Perception is she's just like her daddy. Reality is -- in some ways she is, and in other ways she's like her mama. Reality is -- she's her own person trying to find her way but can't figure out the map. Reality is -- she's tired and she's tired of being pushed down each time she tries. Reality is -- she is sick. Reality is -- she's got two young children and just wants a break. Reality is -- she too is a meddlesome old fool. Reality is -- she's a lot like me. Reality is -- I sometimes feel that I failed her and that I should have shown her a better way than catering to, and allowing a man to rule her, that I should have taught her to be stronger, that I should have been harder on her, that I should have taught her more about the comfort of having God in her life. Reality is -- she is deep down, wonderful.
Love,
A meddlesome old fool.

Monday, November 26, 2007

Post-surgery


Just got back from the doctor's office.

Hubby is healing well, but because the bone was cut. I understand that when you mess with the bone -- healing and pain are a lot worse. So the doctor wants him to be off of work for two more weeks and return on December 14. The doctor did say that if the factory had extremely light duty available he could go back later this week.

I was upset initially, but was determined to not be a bitch about it.

So -- when J**** asked me what I wanted him to do -- I told him that I cannot make that decision for him.

Why not?

1) I don't live in his body and do not know how much pain he is in and I do not know the limits to which he can push himself.

2) If I tell him to go back and he gets reinjured -- there ya go -- I'm the bad guy.

3) If I tell him to stay off -- we are in a financial bind.

4) He is an adult and needs to take responsibility for himself and his family. This is his decision to make. I can advise him of the bills and costs of items and the money in the bank -- but that is it.

I did after a bit of discussion -- tell him -- "I told you to wait until after the first of the year when we knew we would have income tax to fall back on and it wasn't around the Christmas Holidays." I left it at that. This was elective surgery.

I do know that as a responsible adult he is going to have to have his father step up to the plate and help us with the bills. He has lived in our house since the end of June and has not offered us money. He has brought in a few groceries -- mostly his favorite junk foods, and will go and get us food if I am too busy to cook. But, I bring him home food too when I get something for the rest of us.

My point is -- pointless.

Back to the pain -- I know he is in pain, or was in pain, but because of his history with addictions you don't know whether or not he is really in pain. He has not been abusing the pain pills -- he does take them as prescribed. But, he makes it hard to trust him.

This is one of those instances where I take my Papaw's advice and remember that "Every tub has to sit on it's own bottom." In this case -- this is his decision, he knows what he needs to do. I will support him either way.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Arthroscopic Shoulder Surgery

J**** had arthroscopic shoulder surgery on Tuesday. This is just one set of pictures that the doctor provided of the inside of hubby's shoulder. Top left shows them tightening ligaments with a suture. Top Right shows the real problem of bone spurs and an abnormally formed shoulder blade. Bottom left shows the after picture where the spurs and the bone have been removed and reshapen. Bottom right I think is just another view of Bottom left.

He's in a lot of pain, but I hope that this helps in the long run.

After the surgery I was told he was given Morphine and Dilaudid along with being prescribed a heavy dose of Hydrocodone. So anyway -- when he got home he thought he was "Superman", he was like, "Hey this surgery stuff is a snap." I had to make him go to bed. About 1:00 a.m. he got up and said "Owwwww -- the anesthesia has worn off."

Bless his heart -- he needs some babying the next few days.

Monday, November 19, 2007

My Big Brother

My mom tells the story of the birth of my brother. It was back in 1958 when the hospitals were still segregated. It must have been a full moon because the hospital was full of women birthin' babies. My aunt was also in labor with her youngest child, but they didn't get to the hospital as early as Mama did. Brother was born in the "white" section and high falutin cousin and aunt had to go to the "negro" section of the hospital to be born.

Brother was actually born after midnight on November 20, but the doctor in this small Kentucky town was determined that since November 19 was his birthday that this child was going to have his birthday -- so the birth record was officially filed as my brother being born on November 19, 1958. Wasn't he a beautiful baby boy? That is my Sister holding him. Doesn't she look proud of her baby brother?

A typical middle child, I would hear stories of his uncanny ability to tune out everything and be in his own world. Like my middle child -- you could holler at the top of your lungs to get his attention, and he wouldn't hear you. You would literally have to go and tap him on the shoulder to get his attention. Wonder if it had anything to do with having two ornery sisters?

I was born when he was 8 1/2 years old and I idolized my big brother. When I was in fifth grade, my teacher told me about having my brother as a student. She said at the start of the year he came into class all excited and said -- Mrs. J, Mrs. J guess what? I am going to learn to play the violin. Then she said at the end of the school year he came in and and was excited telling her Mrs. J, Mrs. J -- I have a baby sister!!!! Yep -- he's been playing that fiddle for forty years now.

At 17 he graduated from High School and went to college at the University of Alabama. We would take him to the Greyhound bus station and I would cry when he would leave. As I said, I looked up to him. He was my refuge in a home where alcoholism was starting to be ugly. I'd sleep in the bed with him at night. He taught me to whistle. He'd play with me. He'd make me laugh. He made me feel safe.

I was now the only child left at home. I wrote him lots of letters. I bragged to my friends about my wonderful big brother, about how handsome he is, and how talented he is... I even started playing an instrument and followed in his classical music footsteps for a while.

Brother moved out of state and became the Principle Violist for an orchestra.

I admit that I do not know my brother as well as I should. But , I have always felt that I can open up to him like no one else. Like Daddy he is soft spoken, and very reflective. He is very intelligent and he is a hypochondriac (in a good way.) Brother was a bachelor for many years until he married his high school sweetheart. She found him on the internet and sent an email to him saying "hey are you the same guy I knew in high school?" They were married soon after.

They now have a beautiful little girl and she is the joy of his life. Every time I hear him talk about her I can hear the amazement and the love and pride in his voice. It is like he has been fulfilled.

The girls and I called Uncle B***** tonight and sang him the Birthday song. Last year at Christmas, my kids played with him and I could see that if they were around him, they would love him and look up to him in the way that I did. He is just too cool.

Oh -- sometimes Sis and I laugh and joke "We have a brother?" He has been gone from Kentucky so long. I guess that is just our way of saying -- we miss you, and we may somewhat resent the fact that he got away from all of the craziness that we have lived.

My brother is bald. There's just something sexy about a bald man. He is the "SON" in my Mama's eyes and the Sun rises and sets in him. That is okay. I have a son now and I understand.

I am proud to be your baby sister.

I think it is really cool what you do for a living.

So -- with this I am sending Big Birthday Wishes.

I love you Big Brother.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Disservice

disservice
Anoun

1 disservice, ill service, ill turn

an act intended to help that turns out badly; "he did them a disservice"

J**** uses the excuse for drinking of..."it eases the pain."; "it helps me relax."; "I deserve it, I work hard."

Now look at the definition of disservice. He explains away his alcoholism with the fact that the alcohol helps him cope with pain, stress, and as a reward system, etc...when in fact he is doing himself a disservice. How can someone not see that they are hurting themselves?

How a disservice --
  1. Pain relief & Relaxation (the following are excerpts from a very interesting article on alcohol used for pain relief and relaxation - you can click on the text to take you there) -- "Emotionally, alcohol has a stimulating effect: 'l feel good, blow the pain"', she says. "However, it is also a suppressant and nulls the senses - but only temporarily. Sixteen hours after a bout of drinking, seratonin (the chemical that governs mood) lowers, causing depression. Depression makes you more aware of your pain so it's back to the bottle - and further depression. "On the physical side, low mood leads to lack of motivation which can result in de-conditioning such as stiff muscles, bad posture and guarding. Since alcohol often replaces food, the appetite can become poor and poor nutrition increases pain intensity...You may find yourself saying, "Never mind, I only have a good drink every so often so it can't hurt." Think again! Although the alcohol may have left your system within 24 hours, it can take your body up to 40 days to fully recover from the toxins that it leaves behind..."One of the best known effects of alcohol is that it is a depressant. It depresses our inhibitions, our pain levels and our mood. Unfortunately, while the effect on our inhibitions and pain levels is short lived the effect on our mood is not. Long term use of alcohol is known to be an important factor in the cause and maintenance of clinical depression and many anxiety problems. Both of these conditions will increase the amount of pain you feel. In addition people who drink more than a few units of alcohol are likely to have worse sleep patterns, poorer quality sleep and be more irritable in their day to day activities.
  2. I deserve it I work hard -- Alcohol is advertised in our society as a reward for hard work. But based upon the symptoms above -- this reward disables him from enjoying the true rewards of life, his children. When drinking -- he is not responsible enough to play with or be with his children, after drinking (when he drinks during the day when we are away) he is unable because he is "sleeping it off." The next day - he can't because he is hung-over and very irritable. So his reward to himself punishes his children and it also punishes the spouse - by giving her the extra responsibility of being a two-paycheck household with a single mom.
I long ago faced the fact that he will not quit drinking for me or for the children. But being as self-centered a person as he is -- he should figure out that he is cheating himself from having one heck of a life. Because, his children and I are living our lives as though he does not exist. We do what we need to do and what we want to do -- only he is losing out on the grand time.

Yep, he is doing himself a disservice. What a sad existence he has...

Friday, November 02, 2007

What's Going On...

Happy Belated Halloween!!My Three Goblins

I know, I know. It's been a while since I've updated everyone on the goin's on in our household. Why? Because like my sister's blog I've been busy as a bee. With what? Work, kids, household chores, running here and there with young'ns, church, Halloween, just plain ol' being a mom. Life is good when that is what you can say about your life.

J****? You ask? Well, his situation is neither here nor there. For the most part he is staying sober. We are not home during the day -- which is his night time. There's been a few mornings when we have our morning phone calls and I can tell he has been drinking. But he's asleep when we get home and well...like I've said before "life goes on."

Life goes on -- I've told him in the past and I still tell him -- this train don't stop for no one. So it is his choice if he wants to hop on and ride with us or not. We don't put anything on hold for him. If he decides he'd rather stay up all day and sleep when we are home, it is his loss. We go out to eat, we go to school functions, we go to church or we just plain ol' go and goof off.

One fun ride -- we went this past Sunday and had family pictures taken at the Olan Mills studio. It was fun. They took one picture of J**** and I and we had the giggles. We were to take a serious all googly eyed picture of us being snuggly -- well we had to laugh. The photographer said we looked like we just ate a pickle. Here's pics of the girls getting their hair ready for the appointment.














I have also been working on the church's presence on the web. I created a blog for them at Searching for the Truth? If no one else gets anything from it, I will because I usually have to retype the articles and then I have to create the links. So, this means I reread and get to look over the verses. Kind of like a daily devotional. I am trying to put a new article up every day. The articles aren't written by me, but they are good articles.

I guess when you are checking us out and it has been a while since I have posted, you can always remember the old adage, "No news is good news."


Friday, October 19, 2007

Some May Say "Why Me?"

I started this on Friday and am finishing it up today...

Quite a while back, my niece was diagnosed with the disease sarcoidosis. It has been a very tough time for her and her husband, her mother, and children. The disease causes her fatigue and messes with her body in all ways. The steroids have caused her to gain weight, which makes her more miserable. She is having a rough go of it. On top of that they are economically, domestically, and otherwise strained.A few days ago her regular doctor told her that the disease was getting better -- it was in her lungs, but it was slowing down. She did have scar tissue, but the news was better than any she had received in a long while. The doctor also sent her to several specialists to make certain that it had not spread to other parts of her body.

Today she saw the specialist -- bad news -- the disease has spread to muscles, bones, eyes, and she also has fibromyalgia. The news was devastating. The next step is a neurologist, cardiologist, rheumatologist, ophthalmologist, and other specialists. She'll have a bone marrow test and a spinal tap. All very scary stuff.

She is frightened and her outlook is hard to keep positive. But -- here's some thoughts...

1) Have faith in the Lord. As I have said many times before, the Lord will not place more on you than you can bear. I Corinthians 10:13 "And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it."

2) Keep a positive outlook even though I know it is hard. Phillipians 4:11 "I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances."

3) Never give up. I John 4:4 "You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world."

4) Take care of yourself. Your body is not your own. I Corinthians 6:19 " Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own;"

5) Learn to cope and learn to let go by I Thessalonians 5:17 "Pray without ceasing." Matthew 17:20 "I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."

Read the story of Job.
When Bad Things Happen to Good People
Coping with Chronic Illness
Chronic Illness Coping -- lots of Good articles

There's lots more out there where that came from. And remember, I love you.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Godly Issues

I am a member of the Church of Christ and many folks hear that and say, "ohhh, I see." Then they ask which one, the liberal or conservative bunch? Shocker the conservative bunch. Then, I get the response, "oh the one that believes everyone is going to hell but you." Well, no we don't believe that because we are not even guaranteed that we aren't going to hell. Salvation is proactive and by grace. You have to do what you're told.

So ,folks say don't worry about what your church says. They are referring to the people. I, however, am not referring to the individuals but what I believe is taught by the Lord.

Now, I know that wedding vows were written by man. But I did make a vow for better or worse. Lots of people have it a whole lot worse. Lots a whole lot better. I had worse with husband number one. The scriptures teach there is only one reason for divorce. We have studied this at church and the members along with me don't believe that God is saying to live with abuse but he does set stipulations upon getting remarried. I don't want to be alone.

And yes, I forgive and I love, and I rejoice daily. I am an optimist because this World is not my reward and as my tagline says We are to be a peculiar people. I have taught my children to pray and we pray for them their daddy and for me. I pray also.

My preacher, yes the preacher of a conservative church has said that he understands my reason for pursuing divorce and that there is a divorce action on the lawbooks that is still not finalized. But he also from his dealings with J**** has the feeling that there is hope. He has suggested and he and his wife have offered me and the children sanctuary in their home if needed to escape for a few days and to "give J****" a taste of life without us.

I know in the past my biggest issue has been what would God want me to do.

I know that my children are effected, but I have not taught them to ignore the elephant in the living room as I was. Nor have I taught them to treat the disease of alcoholism as a dirty little secret.

It is a disease and I have learned that in alanon. I can't cure it. He can't cure it. Yes many say a self inflicted disease but as a person that suffers from depression and a food addiction and a nicotine addiction I know that if there is something that you feel you can't handle I tend to lean upon either self-pity, food ,or cigarettes. In his case it is alcohol. I have found more and more everyday that I can lean on God. My higher power. J**** needs to establish that relationship with his heavenly father and learn to lean on Him. I am also a firm believer that he will not put on my shoulders more than I can bear.

Now, I promised to publish good and bad.

J**** and I briefly discussed his drunken episode and I asked him to explain the trigger. He was stressed out about the possibility of a drug test and realizes he needs to develop coping skills of which he has none.

Example: The passenger mirror on the van was broken a couple of weeks ago. It weighed on him. He imagined me careening down the road hitting everything in site. He had it set in his mind it would cost 3-400 dollars to fix. He didn't stop to survey. I looked into it and we can get a new one for fifty bucks and replace it ourselves.

Same thing when he got drunk. He let his mind dwell on a petty issue that has not and will not come to fruition.

Other nice stuff. He had dinner ready last night when we came home. Lasagna garlic bread and salad. Which was very nice because I was exhausted.

Oh and I took my antidepressant.

Stayed up to midnight to make "mismatched" shirts for girls because the sewing machine decided it would not work right. So the picture above is of the girls in their mismatched shirt. This is for some sort of school spirit thing they are doing at school this week. I bought two t-shirts at Goodwill, cut them in half and then sewed the mismatched halves together. Aren't they precious?

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Go Ahead and Gloat

Yeah, yeah, yeah -- you told me so.

Nine days of sobriety was enough for him. Got to feeling sorry for his damn self and kaboom -- Drunken Bubby.

Feeling sorry -- went to doctor and he needs surgery on his arm. Doctor says that he is a mess and that all of his joints are in bad shape. I still think that a lot of the pain is due to depression and the alcoholism and the desire to have the pain pills.

I know, I know -- gloat. Be smug enjoy yourselves. Be aggravated at me.

But -- as the old indian man said "Walk a Mile in My Moccasins."

You can call them excuses.

I view my issues as conflicts.

I am a person of positive outlook so I see the best in everyone. I know he has the potential and CAN do this. I also know that at this point in his life he doesn't want to do this.

I guess you can call me a whore because I need his bring home pay to take care of the home and the children. Oh, I can make it. But...the alternative is scary. Females like that safety net. Yes, I know you can't put a price on the children's needs.

Maybe I am just plain old lazy, tired or worn out, but I'm just tired of it right now and emotionally, physically I can't deal with it. He works third -- he drinks, sleeps, and for the kids it is pretty much out of sight, out of mind. They have no idea unless they hear me tell someone, that Daddy is drinking (the majority of the time.) Guess you can say I'm just flailing right now.

Stay and I'm a failure --- leave and I'm a failure. The church frowns upon divorce and I really don't like the idea of being a two-time divorcee. I don't have the money for an attorney right now and have borrowed and am paying back too much to my parents as it is. I'm tired of being a burden to them.

Guess BHP was right -- I am becoming bitter. I am starting to resign myself to this. Giving up. I know I need to pull myself up by my bootstraps.

Yep -- feeling sorry for myself today. Hell -- if I was him I would just drink. But, no someone has to be the responsible adult.

Just ranting and rambling.

So what am I doing for me? I do online al-anon, I pour myself into my church stuff and my kids, I blog, I reflect.

Yes, I am off of my antidepressants. I got my prescription filled and will start back. But, they make me not give a damn about anything. I hate that feeling. I care right now -- choice be a veg or care. Hmmmm.

So -- anyway he called me this morning and apologized. I told him I don't want to hear it and that he needs to straighten his act up. I need him. I need him to go to counseling or AA I told him. I can't afford counseling. We'll see he said.

Hell -- he can afford to go to the doctor everytime he runs out of Loratabs. $55 bucks for prescription and visit. But he can't afford to talk to someone that can help him get to the heart of the matter. Aaargh. Charming (a wonderful blog buddy) who is sober says that you have to find out what is causing you to drink. WHY?

His Dad is living with us. His dad is sober. His Dad is his primary alcohol example. His Dad is his EXCUSE and more than likely his issue. They need to come to terms with these issues. His Dad is seeing himself through his son and I believe has realized the harm he did.

Oh well -- no answers for now -- just getting off of my chest. Go ahead beat me up -- but offer something useful this time.

So what happened -- after doctor's appointment he had no ride back to the house so walked home. Called me and I was unavailable in a meeting. So he passes by old Crack Addicts house and stops to say hi. Ends up bring ol' dude home with him. J**** drinks. He also knew that I was going to be home early that day -- had arranged a technology delivery around lunch and long afternoon so we could have some "alone time." But guess he would rather be alone with a snaggle toothed addict than with his wife or family. So spent most of day trying to get him to get to sleep and listening to him holler. Kids did see him drunk this time and quickly retreated to neighbor's house to play after homework was done. Yep, he acted the arse and was very aggravating and beligerent.

Thank goodness we are having a "Gospel Meeting" this week a revival as most call it -- cause I need some reviving.

Sunday, October 07, 2007

Why I Write..

This blog is my sounding board. I usually do not post unless I am terribly aggravated, frustrated, etc. SO WHAT? well -- I publish the negative, it is one sided, it is biased. I write about the bad and not the good.

So -- let's take care of some business --

Does your church know you are keeping your children in that environment? Yes, in fact I have been very open with my congregation, asking for prayers for J**** and our family. They are supportive of keeping the family. My "pastor, minister, preacher" has counseled me and the men of the congregation are working on becoming friends with him. You, see -- he has no friends. He has "good time Charlie" buddies that talk about him behind his back but like him when he is as his Mama would say "Drunken Bubby."

Children's services will have something to say about this. Social Services was called once on my husband by the G*****'s preschool. The social worker, said that the claims were unfounded and there was no sign of negligence or child abuse in our home. Don't take too much stock in "children's services" - these are the same people that have returned my best friends' nieces sons (a crack addict) to her on several occasions.

"Nay"? Do you think your children are happy? Yes, they love their father. They speak well of their father. They have multiple outlets for expressing themselves. Their school counselors and teachers know that their father is an alcoholic and I have on occasion told the counselor that they may need to talk. They know that they can tell anyone that they want about what goes on at home, they speak freely with me, their father, their grandparents, their aunts. If they aren't happy -- Yes, it is because of me, but not because of their father -- but because -- I hate to admit it -- I am quite stern and tend to push too hard.


Beating a drug test. Is that illegal? If it is you are committing a crime. Beating a drug test by taking in someone's urine, yes. Is there a penalty -- nah -- I know folks who have done it and have been caught. Cleansing your body of toxins -- is that illegal -- don't think it would hold up, protecting your family from a mistake -- better than giving up. What would you do? Fight for your job or give up and let your children go without? Thin line? Anyway -- I doubt he'll be tested anyway.

Can you say "enabling"? Not in this case. I have done good at not enabling. But, we CANNOT afford for him to be without this job. He works hard -- he takes on 18 hours overtime each week. He smoked with a coworker. He did nothing wrong on the job -- he is having an allergic reaction to a chemical used for prepping parts for shipping. The supervisor noticed the chemical burns on his hands, sent him to the nurses station for ointment, the nurse wants him to get it looked at by company doctor. Why? Because he is such a good employee.

Any woman that would allow their children to be subjected to this abuse is just as bad as the man doing the abusing. Hmmm. To each his own. I know a woman who has a husband that is never there -- is this abuse, is she a co-abuser? I know man who says that his mother was a control freak -- was this abuse? I know people that constantly send their children to relatives to get them out of their hair -- is this abuse? We had a VP that traveled for her job, her husband worked hours away, their daughter had a nanny and rarely saw her parents -- is this abuse? If you cut to the chase -- no child lives in a perfect home -- all children suffer some sort of abuse.

Making him feel not so shit astounds me. Nobody is a piece of shit. All were created in God's image. For him to call himself a piece of shit is to call God a piece of shit. God is love. I love J****. So this is the segue to stuff you folks don't want to read -- the good stuff. The stuff I don't write about -- the thinks I have no reason to rant or rave about. Tell me, what wife doesn't "bitch" about her husband.

His week --

He gets home around 7:20 -- comes in and finishes getting the boy ready (shoes, jacket, gathering toys, and securing him in vehicle). Kisses me goodbye. Waits for me to call after boy is dropped off and talks on phone with me for 20 minute drive to work -- telling me about his night and discussing plans for the day. He winds down alone and sleeps. He gets up around 7:30 and goes to work early. Spends about an hour each night with children, me and his father -- listening to their day, readying himself for work, and looking at their school papers. The night that he didn't have to go in early this past week -- he got up early to do homework with the girls and play with the boy, he took a nap when I put them to bed and got up to go to work at 9:40. He got breakfast for everyone on Saturday morning, watched the girls do their new dance moves, and watched Spongebob with the boy. Saturday evening he watched G***** while F****, D***** and I went to the grocery, where I bought the stuff I needed for the potluck (the dish was his idea.) Sunday - he helped get the children ready for church, told the girls how pretty they looked and then praised the boy for being a big boy. He walked the girls around the block to play with their friend on another street. He goes to my parents at least one day a week to do chores for my aging father and asks nothing in return. And, he made a mistake the one day he went golfing. He has been alcohol free for nine days today. Yep, I vent in this blog -- but it's not all bad.

These things are not excuses, they are just answers, and as Paul Harvey would say, "the rest of the story." I will try in the future to post both the good and the bad. I tend to, when things are good - get complacent and not give credit where credit is due.

He is a good man, that needs help, he has low self-esteem. If any of you "anonymous" folks are personal acquaintances, then don't bash, berate, or demean -- be his friend. He needs GOOD people to be his friend. Because he is a good guy with bad ways. I am sorry I have not let you all get to know him.

If you are driving down the road and have a flat tire -- he would be the one to stop and help. If you were down and out -- he'd give you his last dime and the shirt off of his back. I have never heard him say a harsh or derogatory word about anyone, he is the most nonjudgmental person that I know. We could all learn from him.

Pot Luck


This is what I took to the church potluck today. Meatloaf and oven baked parmesan potatoes. Yum Yum.

Friday, October 05, 2007

Consequences

At some point in one's life, there has to be a realization that actions have consequences. Consequences when part of a family mean that no longer do you mess up your own plans, but you mess up or cause inconveniences for others.

As an enabler, codependent, wife, daughter, daughter-in-law of alcoholics and/or drug users, I have suffered the consequences of the actions of these addicts.

Today -- small in the scheme of things, but still disheartening, I fell victim to the consequences of someone not thinking about the consequences of his actions.

J**** smoked a joint with a friend playing golf. He had been doing well this week, and no alcohol. The so-called friend offered him a joint and J**** partook, not giving thought to the consequences.

Last night at work -- attention was given to his hands which are raw and red from wearing latex gloves and working with mineral spirits. They told him, you will need to go next week to the company doctor (we'll make the appointment) to get that looked at. Now, company policy is ANY time you are sent to company doctor - you will be subjected to a drug test. J**** will not be clean.

Also, J**** has become insurance happy since he became a full-time employee with benefits. Since June 26 he has racked up over $1,000 in copays and coinsurance payments for his shoulder pains.

Also, because he had a DUI over a year ago he has to have DUI counseling.

So -- because of his not thinking his life decisions out we will be out approximately $200 on Dr. visit for shoulder, prescription, counseling, some sort of cleansing solution to get rid of the THC in his body and a drug test to make certain it worked.

How did this adversely effect me? I really would like to have my hair done professionally. I haven't done anything nice for myself in at least four years. Hey -- we've got a little extra -- for $50 I will get a shampoo, cut, and highlight.

Well, not now. I am disappointed. I did not belittle him, but I did pull out the budget sheet and say okay -- tell me how much you need to cover all of this. He said, I know, I'm a piece of shit. No you are not a piece of shit and this self-pity belittling yourself has got to stop too.

Aaaarrrrggghhhh. Will they ever learn? Doubt it. Anyway -- my hair will still look like poop and be really gray. But, we will get him clean and hopefully he will pass the test and keep his job. Hair or job -- yep job is more important. Dang him.

Monday, September 24, 2007

Perfectly Aggravated


He's drinking.

He don't care.

He treats me like I'm a stupid wench.

The time he spends with his children is only a time of severe frustration and aggravation for him. He has no patience with anything that they do... If any of us call his name, he responds, "WHAT!!!" That 14 year old teenage aggravated with your mom "WHAAAT!!"

If you ask him for help -- he huffs and stomps.

If I ask him for a kiss, he leans down and doesn't even pucker -- just touches my face with his.

He has no emotions towards me. We were actually alone after the kids went to bed and he never once advanced towards me.

His dad thinks there may be someone else. I don't care. I just want better.

I'm tired.

I'm lonely.

I need him.

I watched a video today produced by the agency where I work. The final phrase struck me -- but not about education, but about life. The last phrase was -- "The only thing you do perfectly is nothing."

Right now I am so frustrated -- and I do absolutely NOTHING about it. I ask him to change or to be a larger part of our family and he does absolutely NOTHING about it. We are PERFECT!!!

I see it -- I know the signs -- He wants out but is afraid to get out. He doesn't want to be a dad, a husband, or responsible for anything...

So we all just sit around doing nothing, being miserable. That's just Perfect.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Phew -- Some Good News!!!

I took this online quizzy thing -- stole it from Sunshine and Kitten Farts.

At least I don't have to worry about this anymore. LOL

The Dante's Inferno Test has sent you to Purgatory!

Here is how you matched up against all the levels:
LevelScore
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)Extreme
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)High
Level 2 (Lustful)Low
Level 3 (Gluttonous)Moderate
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)Very Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)Low
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)Moderate
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)Moderate
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)Very Low

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Just making it --

I was talking to a coworker the other day -- she is from India. She asked me how things are going? I told her my life is strange.

Hubby works third shift -- He gets home from work a few minutes after I leave. He wakes up a few minutes before I put the kids to bed. Then leaves a few minutes after that. His job has required a lot of overtime -- good for the finances -- bad for the family. So -- we are like two ships that bump in the night.

Father-in-law -- and I sit up at night and talk about our day, he and I keep the house picked up, the dishes done, and the laundry pseudo caught up. He helps with homework and chasing three young'ns around.

Strange -- father-in-law and I are like a team. Husband and I are like "booty call."

My co-worker said her household is very similar, except it is the mother-in-law and it seems that sometimes you look at life and say we are just making it. Making the bills, making things work, just getting by and getting along.

Sad but true.

Third shift is hard. He feels like he is missing out on a lot of things, and as the "needy" female comes out in me, I feel neglected. The kids miss him, but have learned how to be quiet and do without him.

Again, sad but necessary.
If he is awakened by us, well, let's just say he is not a morning person -- he wakes up grumpy. So he's like this ogre coming out of its cave. We had an episode tonight where Ms. F was very tired, whiny, and well being a little girl. He yelled, told her to stop being whiny, started mimicking her. "Shut that damn shit up!!" I being mom -- jumped in and told him to STOP. I'm sorry but I do believe that kind of stuff IS mental abuse.

Later when he got up, I made it a point in the little time that we had to explain little girls to him -- here is how my speech to him went.

J****, I am not putting you down, demeaning you in any way or telling you this to make you feel bad about yourself (he accuses me of putting guilt trips on him, and yes, there is a lot of truth to that, I am good at that.) Have you ever been a little girl? Well, I was. Little boys when they are tired and have had a bad day, they grab their Tonka dump truck and their red fire engine and they bang them together and wreck them, they throw their ball up against the house, they knock down blocks -- they deal with it physically. Little girls, deal with it emotionally. Little girls = "sugar and spice and everything nice." Little boys = "snips and snails and puppy dog tails." When I was a little girl and had one of these days where I needed to just cry and let it out -- I didn't want Mama, because sorry to say, little girls take stuff out on Mama. When we need comforting, we want the big, strong, safe arms, and the low, comforting voice of our Daddy. I asked him to remember this and that the next time this happens - instead of yelling at her and making her cry harder and longer. Just get out of bed -- walk into her room and hug her, tell her you love her, and that Daddy is here. I've seen him comfort her this way before (when not so grumpy) and I know it works.

Believe me, there are no better hugs than Daddy hugs. Mom hugs are nice, but for a little girl, there's just something about Daddy's hugs.

On the sobriety front -- we had a drunken day last Tuesday. It was uneventful, Papaw dealt with him and he went to bed.

Ms. G turned six yesterday. Little Man is potty trained, night and day, so NO MORE DIAPERS.

So as far as an update goes -- we're just making it, just getting along. But hey -- that' okay, because as the song goes. "This world is not my home, I'm just a passing through, my treasures are laid up somewhere beyond the blue..."

Good night and God bless.

Friday, August 24, 2007

90 Day Reprieve

J**** was reprimanded at work last week for missing too much. He was placed on 90 day probation and told that he cannot miss any time during those 90 days.

His mother told me he made the comment that he had to stay sober for 90 days.

The only reason he has missed any work was for intoxication.

So, a 90 day reprieve in the drinking. Take it for what it is worth.

What can one accomplish in 90 days? Hmmm -- wasn't there a book? Around the world in 80 days - heck he's got 10 extra days to turn his world around.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

A Toddler's Prayer






God,
BIG!
Thank you,
Amen.

This was my 32 month old son's prayer last night. Sort of sums it all up.

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Is Giving Up Letting Go?

I am tired. I just want to give up. I spoke with J**** yesterday and from what he says, he isn't ready to stop.

He just wants to come home from work, drink 2 or 3 beers, relax, and go to bed. I said yes, that would be fine, BUT your personality doesn't allow you to do that. You have a tendency to drink ALL the beer you have in one setting, like tomorrow there will be no more beer.

I reminded him that we tried that once before (he didn't remember) and that things would be fine for a couple of weeks, then a day or two of binge hell, then a couple of weeks of okay, then the cycle kept going.

Even with just two or three beers he is still no fun to be around, he plays too rough, he is full of liquid courage and doesn't care who's feelings he hurts. It's like his filter for his tongue, gets turned off.

Oh well, he works third shift, we never see him anyway, and I just really don't care TODAY. Am I giving up or am I letting go?

I have too much other crap to worry about without worrying about what he wants to do. I have three babies and myself to worry about. As long as he stays asleep and out of our way, for TODAY, I don't give a rat's butt.

He'd just better stay out of my way, cuz I'm in single mom mode and ain't puttin' up with his crap.

Oh yeah -- and I guess the paying attention part - is just sex. Whoop-dee-doo.

Friday, August 17, 2007

One Reason is ATTENTION

Guy over at Charming just Charming says that until the alcoholic understands the reason behind his drinking or why she drinks, they will not able to be sober just dry.

So -- I've been trying to listen to J**** to see what may trigger his cravings.

I think I figured out one of his reasons. He craves attention. He wants to be the center of attention. So when he stays sober for a while -- he gets lots of praise and he is the center of everyone's happiness. When he is sober he gets pats on the back. But after a while, the praise dies off and his sobriety becomes everyday for those around him and he no longer gets the daily accolades that come with new sobriety, then he is no longer the center of attention.

He then starts drinking again, and gets a different type of attention. Not a positive attention, but a negative attention: People yell, scream, cry, tiptoe, new acquaintances come out of the woodwork to drink or whatever with him. He is now the center of attention.

The other day when he thought he was a stuntman and jumped from the van he made the comment, "You don't pay any attention to me."

We don't pay enough attention to one another - actually. So, I guess I will go home tonight and ask him if we can make a date with each other or set aside a time to be with each other alone, to talk, fight, hold hands, or more.

Since his dad has been living with us, we have had no one on one time. If we go outside, kids and dad follow. If we go upstairs, kids follow. If we go to the bathroom -- someone follows. Heck, even the dog and the cats want to be in our laps. He has also been going into work two hours early and working an extra day on the weekend, thus causing our schedules to be difficult. We are like two ships that pass in the night. Don't get me wrong -- I love the fact that he is working the overtime to support his family. But, on the other hand, I really do miss him.

I listen to the Dave Ramsey show and he strongly iterates that husbands and wives MUST have dates. It could just be a walk in the park, a ride through the country, but something to have some downtime from everything else and to remember why they fell in love in the first place.

Since both of us are the babies in our families I think I will have a discussion tonight about paying attention to each other. Now -- if I could only find a sitter.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Cute

Daughter # 2 brought this home from school on her second day. The best thing about school is...
"Go hom"

Got to love em...

Monday, August 13, 2007

What a Day...

"I, (name) take thee, (name) to be my lawfully wedded (husband/wife), to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness or in health, to love and to cherish, 'til death do us part."

Today was for worse.

Got up at 6:00 a.m. - got girls off to school.

J**** came home around 7:30 a.m. told me he was going with T** and S******** from work to move a mattress and box springs -- they said that he owed him, because T** helped him move his Dad. Well, I knew right then and there, that there would be alcohol available. It sort of perturbed me because, here I am sick and he won't raise a finger to help me, but acts like a fiend to go and help these two strong looking people move a mattress and box springs. Heck, I could do that myself.

I have been sick with a sinus infection for about a week. Went to doctor at 9:00 am - took boy with me.

After doctor appointment I decide to take boy to get a haircut, talk to J**** on phone, he is at home now and is sounding loud. Says, "I want a haircut, too." I swing by the house and get him. He is beligerent. We go to barbershop and unbeknownst to me it is closed on Mondays. As we leave he says well let's go to next town and go to barbershop. I tell him I would rather not, too far, and doc says I need to rest. Okay, then lets go eat. I tell him I'll cook him a big breakfast and he can get some rest, because we all had eye doctor appointments later today and he needs sleep.

He blows up. "I'm tired of you bitching at me about my sleep. I work 6 days a week and go in early, I will sleep when I want too." I calmly tell him that the only thing I "bitch" about is that he decides to stay up all day and sleep when we are home and his children and I miss him. He gets angrier and says they don't miss him and "shut your fuckin' mouth or I'll shut it for you." He goes on to say he doesn't see himself hanging around much longer.

Boy is in the van with us.

We get close to the entrance to our subdivision and he says "let me out at the end of the road. " Well, all I can think is he's going to go and drink. I tell him, "No, I'll take you home, but I'm not letting you out because boy will cry." Which is a true statement. So he proceeds to open the door to the van and tells me to stop and let him out. Well, I'm not in a good place to stop, I begin to slow down and he jumps out of the van.

Oh my, now what do I do?

I look in rearview and he is sprawled in the middle of the road, glasses laying in road and hat flung across the road. He is motionless.

Oh my.

I turn the van around and pull up beside of him. People come into their front yards. I get out of van. He is knocked out cold and there is blood coming from his head.

Oh my.

I smack his cheek (gently actually) and he begins to open his eyes, I look at him and say "Why did you jump out? Why didn't you let me stop?" I pick him up (yep, I'm a stout ol' gal) and put him back in the van. By now boy has gotten out of his carseat and is up and screaming -- "Daddy jump, Daddy fall, Daddy bleed." I get J**** and boy back in van and go on home.

J**** staggers into house and up the stairs to bathroom, blood pouring from head, lots of road rash, and gets into shower. He changes clothes and I get his Dad out of bed to help me with him. Boy is running around hollering, "Daddy jump! Daddy bweed!" J****'s head is bleeding and has a very large knot.

We go to emergency room. He lies to emergency room people about what happened. They keep telling him he smells of alcohol.

I finally get home at 1:30 p.m. J**** is fine according to doctors and they prescribe him Lortab (a narcotic), just what he needs. (sarcasm)

I take a short nap until girls get off of bus -- boy has fallen asleep too.

I go through the girls' backpacks, my Mama picks up boy. Girls and I go to eye doctor, where I have my eyes dilated.

I get back to town, pick up medicine, pick up boy, get home at 7:00 p.m. Feed children, do homework, get J**** up at 8:00 p.m. to go to work.

J**** says he doesn't remember anything after getting into van at the barbershop. Blackout. He says he didn't drink and that it was a DT blackout. I say bullshit.

He leaves at 8:30 -- kids go to bed at 9:00 (too late).

Boy won't go to sleep until 10:30 -- asking about Daddy.

I finally get laundry done -- actually have one load to fold and dryer just stopped.

I had no rest. But my ears finally popped -- they were full of fluid from the sinus infection. It was quite a day.

My head hurts.

Friday, August 10, 2007

I Can't...

Mama always told me that "can't never could, and can always did." I guess that is true in more than one way. She would say this after I attempted something and whined to her saying, but "Mama, I Can't!" My counselor took it a step further and said, to say I'll try is to Fail. Say "I CAN."In the past when asking my husband to work on his sobriety, he would never say, "I Can't." He has never said "I Can." However, he has said, "I'll try." To only try to live a life of sobriety is to fail. It is a middle of the road statement, that will allow you to fall back on that statement and say -- "well, I tried." It is very noncommittal. To try and fail, is not the same as I CAN.

But at this point the statement of "can't never could, and can always did," means something else in my mind. Another view of the statement.

If I say "I CAN'T" live like this is noncommittal on my part. To say "I WON'T" live like this, I will better my life, to say "I CAN" (which is an option) as the saying goes, I always did.

Sounds senseless and rambling I know -- but think about it -- it is a revelation that I just had. I CAN live with an alcoholic - means I can tolerate it and exist. I CAN'T live with an alcoholic - just means I can't handle it, but doesn't mean that I will escape this life. I WON'T live with it -- now that is a commitment. Right now -- I CAN'T. I need to work on I WON'T. I WON'T!

The drinking is getting worse. He is drunk today. His excuse for today is that he is in pain and that he is searching for something. I am tired of fighting, I just tell him I will help you if you want help. I will go with you to get help. I will not deal with his drinking unless he is ready.

Yes, he is working and providing monetarily for his family, but he is more or less absent from our life. Yes, he works third shift and I understand that is difficult, but if you stay awake and drink until 2 in the afternoon, pass out until time to go to work, then you have no life and your children no longer have you. Right now, his is a sad existence and he is of the mindset of I CAN'T.

When he is with the children he is a bully --yelling, taunting, ignoring. When drinking he is worst -- the boy 32 months old is holding the kitten and being a bit rough, J**** says to the boy, stop pulling the cat's hair, how would you like me to do that to you? He pulls the boy's hair. Okay, once not hard is acceptable, it shows the boy what it feels like. But -- over and over, aggravating him. Mama (me) pulls out her claws and lets J**** know real quick, he'd best be stopping or I'd yank every hair out of his head. Don't mess with my baby.

YES -- HE DID!!
NO -- I CAN'T!!
NO -- HE CAN'T!!
SOON -- I WON'T!!

because to TRY is no longer acceptable.

Thursday, August 09, 2007

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire

I despise lies. Why lie? You will get caught in the lie. Lying does not alleviate stress, it causes MORE stress. So why lie to me.

I know when he's been drinking -- so why lie to me about it? I know if he doesn't go to work -- so why lie to me about it?

After the lie -- I call him on the lie -- so the stress starts with the lie -- continues through the confrontation phase -- then the resentment -- the hurt -- everything.

JUST GET IT OVER WITH AND TELL THE TRUTH.

I know Al-anon teaches that you can't cure it, you didn't cause it, and you can't control it. But I'll be damned it I'm going to take lying as an acceptable mode of communications.

Why lie? Why can't you talk to me? Why do we have a problem communicating with each other?

I love him, I no longer trust him, he says he can't talk to me, he doesn't want to burden me with his problems.

Trigger this time = Meeting at work where all OTHER employees were scolded for slacking and he was pointed out as a great worker. So he gets all worked up about the other employees being angry at him.

So he drinks -- not a lot, but enough to, in his opinion, be unable to work. So no work - equals an incident at work. We cannot afford him to lose this job.

I bet he lied about his reason not to work to his supervisor. Oh the stories I could tell about the lies he told his supervisor. One involved his mother -- saying she had a stroke -- ummm use your brain -- your supervisor knows your mother.

Ephesians 4:25 (King James Version)

25Wherefore putting away lying, speak every man truth with his neighbour: for we are members one of another.

Oh well...