So -- I've been trying to listen to J**** to see what may trigger his cravings.
I think I figured out one of his reasons. He craves attention. He wants to be the center of attention. So when he stays sober for a while -- he gets lots of praise and he is the center of everyone's happiness. When he is sober he gets pats on the back. But after a while, the praise dies off and his sobriety becomes everyday for those around him and he no longer gets the daily accolades that come with new sobriety, then he is no longer the center of attention.
He then starts drinking again, and gets a different type of attention. Not a positive attention, but a negative attention: People yell, scream, cry, tiptoe, new acquaintances come out of the woodwork to drink or whatever with him. He is now the center of attention.
The other day when he thought he was a stuntman and jumped from the van he made the comment, "You don't pay any attention to me."
We don't pay enough attention to one another - actually. So, I guess I will go home tonight and ask him if we can make a date with each other or set aside a time to be with each other alone, to talk, fight, hold hands, or more.
Since his dad has been living with us, we have had no one on one time. If we go outside, kids and dad follow. If we go upstairs, kids follow. If we go to the bathroom -- someone follows. Heck, even the dog and the cats want to be in our laps. He has also been going into work two hours early and working an extra day on the weekend, thus causing our schedules to be difficult. We are like two ships that pass in the night. Don't get me wrong -- I love the fact that he is working the overtime to support his family. But, on the other hand, I really do miss him.
I listen to the Dave Ramsey show and he strongly iterates that husbands and wives MUST have dates. It could just be a walk in the park, a ride through the country, but something to have some downtime from everything else and to remember why they fell in love in the first place.
Since both of us are the babies in our families I think I will have a discussion tonight about paying attention to each other. Now -- if I could only find a sitter.
2 comments:
In acting like this, what kind of attention/lesson is he giving/teaching the children? positive? or negative?
You said, "We don't pay enough attention to one another." When's the last time you jumped out of a van because you weren't getting enough attention?
alcohol abuse is the symptom of a deeper problem than those caused by drinking. I can give him some advise on how to help himself if he really wants to help himself. But NO ONE can
do anything for him unless he wants to face whatever problems it is that he has..and the hell of it he may not even know! But there are ways of him finding out for himself if he wants to..he has my e-mail.
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