I Can't...

Mama always told me that "can't never could, and can always did." I guess that is true in more than one way. She would say this after I attempted something and whined to her saying, but "Mama, I Can't!" My counselor took it a step further and said, to say I'll try is to Fail. Say "I CAN."In the past when asking my husband to work on his sobriety, he would never say, "I Can't." He has never said "I Can." However, he has said, "I'll try." To only try to live a life of sobriety is to fail. It is a middle of the road statement, that will allow you to fall back on that statement and say -- "well, I tried." It is very noncommittal. To try and fail, is not the same as I CAN.

But at this point the statement of "can't never could, and can always did," means something else in my mind. Another view of the statement.

If I say "I CAN'T" live like this is noncommittal on my part. To say "I WON'T" live like this, I will better my life, to say "I CAN" (which is an option) as the saying goes, I always did.

Sounds senseless and rambling I know -- but think about it -- it is a revelation that I just had. I CAN live with an alcoholic - means I can tolerate it and exist. I CAN'T live with an alcoholic - just means I can't handle it, but doesn't mean that I will escape this life. I WON'T live with it -- now that is a commitment. Right now -- I CAN'T. I need to work on I WON'T. I WON'T!

The drinking is getting worse. He is drunk today. His excuse for today is that he is in pain and that he is searching for something. I am tired of fighting, I just tell him I will help you if you want help. I will go with you to get help. I will not deal with his drinking unless he is ready.

Yes, he is working and providing monetarily for his family, but he is more or less absent from our life. Yes, he works third shift and I understand that is difficult, but if you stay awake and drink until 2 in the afternoon, pass out until time to go to work, then you have no life and your children no longer have you. Right now, his is a sad existence and he is of the mindset of I CAN'T.

When he is with the children he is a bully --yelling, taunting, ignoring. When drinking he is worst -- the boy 32 months old is holding the kitten and being a bit rough, J**** says to the boy, stop pulling the cat's hair, how would you like me to do that to you? He pulls the boy's hair. Okay, once not hard is acceptable, it shows the boy what it feels like. But -- over and over, aggravating him. Mama (me) pulls out her claws and lets J**** know real quick, he'd best be stopping or I'd yank every hair out of his head. Don't mess with my baby.

YES -- HE DID!!
NO -- I CAN'T!!
NO -- HE CAN'T!!
SOON -- I WON'T!!

because to TRY is no longer acceptable.