Friday, August 24, 2007

90 Day Reprieve

J**** was reprimanded at work last week for missing too much. He was placed on 90 day probation and told that he cannot miss any time during those 90 days.

His mother told me he made the comment that he had to stay sober for 90 days.

The only reason he has missed any work was for intoxication.

So, a 90 day reprieve in the drinking. Take it for what it is worth.

What can one accomplish in 90 days? Hmmm -- wasn't there a book? Around the world in 80 days - heck he's got 10 extra days to turn his world around.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

A Toddler's Prayer

Thank you,

This was my 32 month old son's prayer last night. Sort of sums it all up.

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Is Giving Up Letting Go?

I am tired. I just want to give up. I spoke with J**** yesterday and from what he says, he isn't ready to stop.

He just wants to come home from work, drink 2 or 3 beers, relax, and go to bed. I said yes, that would be fine, BUT your personality doesn't allow you to do that. You have a tendency to drink ALL the beer you have in one setting, like tomorrow there will be no more beer.

I reminded him that we tried that once before (he didn't remember) and that things would be fine for a couple of weeks, then a day or two of binge hell, then a couple of weeks of okay, then the cycle kept going.

Even with just two or three beers he is still no fun to be around, he plays too rough, he is full of liquid courage and doesn't care who's feelings he hurts. It's like his filter for his tongue, gets turned off.

Oh well, he works third shift, we never see him anyway, and I just really don't care TODAY. Am I giving up or am I letting go?

I have too much other crap to worry about without worrying about what he wants to do. I have three babies and myself to worry about. As long as he stays asleep and out of our way, for TODAY, I don't give a rat's butt.

He'd just better stay out of my way, cuz I'm in single mom mode and ain't puttin' up with his crap.

Oh yeah -- and I guess the paying attention part - is just sex. Whoop-dee-doo.

Friday, August 17, 2007

One Reason is ATTENTION

Guy over at Charming just Charming says that until the alcoholic understands the reason behind his drinking or why she drinks, they will not able to be sober just dry.

So -- I've been trying to listen to J**** to see what may trigger his cravings.

I think I figured out one of his reasons. He craves attention. He wants to be the center of attention. So when he stays sober for a while -- he gets lots of praise and he is the center of everyone's happiness. When he is sober he gets pats on the back. But after a while, the praise dies off and his sobriety becomes everyday for those around him and he no longer gets the daily accolades that come with new sobriety, then he is no longer the center of attention.

He then starts drinking again, and gets a different type of attention. Not a positive attention, but a negative attention: People yell, scream, cry, tiptoe, new acquaintances come out of the woodwork to drink or whatever with him. He is now the center of attention.

The other day when he thought he was a stuntman and jumped from the van he made the comment, "You don't pay any attention to me."

We don't pay enough attention to one another - actually. So, I guess I will go home tonight and ask him if we can make a date with each other or set aside a time to be with each other alone, to talk, fight, hold hands, or more.

Since his dad has been living with us, we have had no one on one time. If we go outside, kids and dad follow. If we go upstairs, kids follow. If we go to the bathroom -- someone follows. Heck, even the dog and the cats want to be in our laps. He has also been going into work two hours early and working an extra day on the weekend, thus causing our schedules to be difficult. We are like two ships that pass in the night. Don't get me wrong -- I love the fact that he is working the overtime to support his family. But, on the other hand, I really do miss him.

I listen to the Dave Ramsey show and he strongly iterates that husbands and wives MUST have dates. It could just be a walk in the park, a ride through the country, but something to have some downtime from everything else and to remember why they fell in love in the first place.

Since both of us are the babies in our families I think I will have a discussion tonight about paying attention to each other. Now -- if I could only find a sitter.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007


Daughter # 2 brought this home from school on her second day. The best thing about school is...
"Go hom"

Got to love em...

Monday, August 13, 2007

What a Day...

"I, (name) take thee, (name) to be my lawfully wedded (husband/wife), to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness or in health, to love and to cherish, 'til death do us part."

Today was for worse.

Got up at 6:00 a.m. - got girls off to school.

J**** came home around 7:30 a.m. told me he was going with T** and S******** from work to move a mattress and box springs -- they said that he owed him, because T** helped him move his Dad. Well, I knew right then and there, that there would be alcohol available. It sort of perturbed me because, here I am sick and he won't raise a finger to help me, but acts like a fiend to go and help these two strong looking people move a mattress and box springs. Heck, I could do that myself.

I have been sick with a sinus infection for about a week. Went to doctor at 9:00 am - took boy with me.

After doctor appointment I decide to take boy to get a haircut, talk to J**** on phone, he is at home now and is sounding loud. Says, "I want a haircut, too." I swing by the house and get him. He is beligerent. We go to barbershop and unbeknownst to me it is closed on Mondays. As we leave he says well let's go to next town and go to barbershop. I tell him I would rather not, too far, and doc says I need to rest. Okay, then lets go eat. I tell him I'll cook him a big breakfast and he can get some rest, because we all had eye doctor appointments later today and he needs sleep.

He blows up. "I'm tired of you bitching at me about my sleep. I work 6 days a week and go in early, I will sleep when I want too." I calmly tell him that the only thing I "bitch" about is that he decides to stay up all day and sleep when we are home and his children and I miss him. He gets angrier and says they don't miss him and "shut your fuckin' mouth or I'll shut it for you." He goes on to say he doesn't see himself hanging around much longer.

Boy is in the van with us.

We get close to the entrance to our subdivision and he says "let me out at the end of the road. " Well, all I can think is he's going to go and drink. I tell him, "No, I'll take you home, but I'm not letting you out because boy will cry." Which is a true statement. So he proceeds to open the door to the van and tells me to stop and let him out. Well, I'm not in a good place to stop, I begin to slow down and he jumps out of the van.

Oh my, now what do I do?

I look in rearview and he is sprawled in the middle of the road, glasses laying in road and hat flung across the road. He is motionless.

Oh my.

I turn the van around and pull up beside of him. People come into their front yards. I get out of van. He is knocked out cold and there is blood coming from his head.

Oh my.

I smack his cheek (gently actually) and he begins to open his eyes, I look at him and say "Why did you jump out? Why didn't you let me stop?" I pick him up (yep, I'm a stout ol' gal) and put him back in the van. By now boy has gotten out of his carseat and is up and screaming -- "Daddy jump, Daddy fall, Daddy bleed." I get J**** and boy back in van and go on home.

J**** staggers into house and up the stairs to bathroom, blood pouring from head, lots of road rash, and gets into shower. He changes clothes and I get his Dad out of bed to help me with him. Boy is running around hollering, "Daddy jump! Daddy bweed!" J****'s head is bleeding and has a very large knot.

We go to emergency room. He lies to emergency room people about what happened. They keep telling him he smells of alcohol.

I finally get home at 1:30 p.m. J**** is fine according to doctors and they prescribe him Lortab (a narcotic), just what he needs. (sarcasm)

I take a short nap until girls get off of bus -- boy has fallen asleep too.

I go through the girls' backpacks, my Mama picks up boy. Girls and I go to eye doctor, where I have my eyes dilated.

I get back to town, pick up medicine, pick up boy, get home at 7:00 p.m. Feed children, do homework, get J**** up at 8:00 p.m. to go to work.

J**** says he doesn't remember anything after getting into van at the barbershop. Blackout. He says he didn't drink and that it was a DT blackout. I say bullshit.

He leaves at 8:30 -- kids go to bed at 9:00 (too late).

Boy won't go to sleep until 10:30 -- asking about Daddy.

I finally get laundry done -- actually have one load to fold and dryer just stopped.

I had no rest. But my ears finally popped -- they were full of fluid from the sinus infection. It was quite a day.

My head hurts.

Friday, August 10, 2007

I Can't...

Mama always told me that "can't never could, and can always did." I guess that is true in more than one way. She would say this after I attempted something and whined to her saying, but "Mama, I Can't!" My counselor took it a step further and said, to say I'll try is to Fail. Say "I CAN."In the past when asking my husband to work on his sobriety, he would never say, "I Can't." He has never said "I Can." However, he has said, "I'll try." To only try to live a life of sobriety is to fail. It is a middle of the road statement, that will allow you to fall back on that statement and say -- "well, I tried." It is very noncommittal. To try and fail, is not the same as I CAN.

But at this point the statement of "can't never could, and can always did," means something else in my mind. Another view of the statement.

If I say "I CAN'T" live like this is noncommittal on my part. To say "I WON'T" live like this, I will better my life, to say "I CAN" (which is an option) as the saying goes, I always did.

Sounds senseless and rambling I know -- but think about it -- it is a revelation that I just had. I CAN live with an alcoholic - means I can tolerate it and exist. I CAN'T live with an alcoholic - just means I can't handle it, but doesn't mean that I will escape this life. I WON'T live with it -- now that is a commitment. Right now -- I CAN'T. I need to work on I WON'T. I WON'T!

The drinking is getting worse. He is drunk today. His excuse for today is that he is in pain and that he is searching for something. I am tired of fighting, I just tell him I will help you if you want help. I will go with you to get help. I will not deal with his drinking unless he is ready.

Yes, he is working and providing monetarily for his family, but he is more or less absent from our life. Yes, he works third shift and I understand that is difficult, but if you stay awake and drink until 2 in the afternoon, pass out until time to go to work, then you have no life and your children no longer have you. Right now, his is a sad existence and he is of the mindset of I CAN'T.

When he is with the children he is a bully --yelling, taunting, ignoring. When drinking he is worst -- the boy 32 months old is holding the kitten and being a bit rough, J**** says to the boy, stop pulling the cat's hair, how would you like me to do that to you? He pulls the boy's hair. Okay, once not hard is acceptable, it shows the boy what it feels like. But -- over and over, aggravating him. Mama (me) pulls out her claws and lets J**** know real quick, he'd best be stopping or I'd yank every hair out of his head. Don't mess with my baby.

NO -- I CAN'T!!
NO -- HE CAN'T!!

because to TRY is no longer acceptable.

Thursday, August 09, 2007

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire

I despise lies. Why lie? You will get caught in the lie. Lying does not alleviate stress, it causes MORE stress. So why lie to me.

I know when he's been drinking -- so why lie to me about it? I know if he doesn't go to work -- so why lie to me about it?

After the lie -- I call him on the lie -- so the stress starts with the lie -- continues through the confrontation phase -- then the resentment -- the hurt -- everything.


I know Al-anon teaches that you can't cure it, you didn't cause it, and you can't control it. But I'll be damned it I'm going to take lying as an acceptable mode of communications.

Why lie? Why can't you talk to me? Why do we have a problem communicating with each other?

I love him, I no longer trust him, he says he can't talk to me, he doesn't want to burden me with his problems.

Trigger this time = Meeting at work where all OTHER employees were scolded for slacking and he was pointed out as a great worker. So he gets all worked up about the other employees being angry at him.

So he drinks -- not a lot, but enough to, in his opinion, be unable to work. So no work - equals an incident at work. We cannot afford him to lose this job.

I bet he lied about his reason not to work to his supervisor. Oh the stories I could tell about the lies he told his supervisor. One involved his mother -- saying she had a stroke -- ummm use your brain -- your supervisor knows your mother.

Ephesians 4:25 (King James Version)

25Wherefore putting away lying, speak every man truth with his neighbour: for we are members one of another.

Oh well...