Friday, October 19, 2007

Some May Say "Why Me?"

I started this on Friday and am finishing it up today...

Quite a while back, my niece was diagnosed with the disease sarcoidosis. It has been a very tough time for her and her husband, her mother, and children. The disease causes her fatigue and messes with her body in all ways. The steroids have caused her to gain weight, which makes her more miserable. She is having a rough go of it. On top of that they are economically, domestically, and otherwise strained.A few days ago her regular doctor told her that the disease was getting better -- it was in her lungs, but it was slowing down. She did have scar tissue, but the news was better than any she had received in a long while. The doctor also sent her to several specialists to make certain that it had not spread to other parts of her body.

Today she saw the specialist -- bad news -- the disease has spread to muscles, bones, eyes, and she also has fibromyalgia. The news was devastating. The next step is a neurologist, cardiologist, rheumatologist, ophthalmologist, and other specialists. She'll have a bone marrow test and a spinal tap. All very scary stuff.

She is frightened and her outlook is hard to keep positive. But -- here's some thoughts...

1) Have faith in the Lord. As I have said many times before, the Lord will not place more on you than you can bear. I Corinthians 10:13 "And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it."

2) Keep a positive outlook even though I know it is hard. Phillipians 4:11 "I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances."

3) Never give up. I John 4:4 "You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world."

4) Take care of yourself. Your body is not your own. I Corinthians 6:19 " Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own;"

5) Learn to cope and learn to let go by I Thessalonians 5:17 "Pray without ceasing." Matthew 17:20 "I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."

Read the story of Job.
When Bad Things Happen to Good People
Coping with Chronic Illness
Chronic Illness Coping -- lots of Good articles

There's lots more out there where that came from. And remember, I love you.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Godly Issues

I am a member of the Church of Christ and many folks hear that and say, "ohhh, I see." Then they ask which one, the liberal or conservative bunch? Shocker the conservative bunch. Then, I get the response, "oh the one that believes everyone is going to hell but you." Well, no we don't believe that because we are not even guaranteed that we aren't going to hell. Salvation is proactive and by grace. You have to do what you're told.

So ,folks say don't worry about what your church says. They are referring to the people. I, however, am not referring to the individuals but what I believe is taught by the Lord.

Now, I know that wedding vows were written by man. But I did make a vow for better or worse. Lots of people have it a whole lot worse. Lots a whole lot better. I had worse with husband number one. The scriptures teach there is only one reason for divorce. We have studied this at church and the members along with me don't believe that God is saying to live with abuse but he does set stipulations upon getting remarried. I don't want to be alone.

And yes, I forgive and I love, and I rejoice daily. I am an optimist because this World is not my reward and as my tagline says We are to be a peculiar people. I have taught my children to pray and we pray for them their daddy and for me. I pray also.

My preacher, yes the preacher of a conservative church has said that he understands my reason for pursuing divorce and that there is a divorce action on the lawbooks that is still not finalized. But he also from his dealings with J**** has the feeling that there is hope. He has suggested and he and his wife have offered me and the children sanctuary in their home if needed to escape for a few days and to "give J****" a taste of life without us.

I know in the past my biggest issue has been what would God want me to do.

I know that my children are effected, but I have not taught them to ignore the elephant in the living room as I was. Nor have I taught them to treat the disease of alcoholism as a dirty little secret.

It is a disease and I have learned that in alanon. I can't cure it. He can't cure it. Yes many say a self inflicted disease but as a person that suffers from depression and a food addiction and a nicotine addiction I know that if there is something that you feel you can't handle I tend to lean upon either self-pity, food ,or cigarettes. In his case it is alcohol. I have found more and more everyday that I can lean on God. My higher power. J**** needs to establish that relationship with his heavenly father and learn to lean on Him. I am also a firm believer that he will not put on my shoulders more than I can bear.

Now, I promised to publish good and bad.

J**** and I briefly discussed his drunken episode and I asked him to explain the trigger. He was stressed out about the possibility of a drug test and realizes he needs to develop coping skills of which he has none.

Example: The passenger mirror on the van was broken a couple of weeks ago. It weighed on him. He imagined me careening down the road hitting everything in site. He had it set in his mind it would cost 3-400 dollars to fix. He didn't stop to survey. I looked into it and we can get a new one for fifty bucks and replace it ourselves.

Same thing when he got drunk. He let his mind dwell on a petty issue that has not and will not come to fruition.

Other nice stuff. He had dinner ready last night when we came home. Lasagna garlic bread and salad. Which was very nice because I was exhausted.

Oh and I took my antidepressant.

Stayed up to midnight to make "mismatched" shirts for girls because the sewing machine decided it would not work right. So the picture above is of the girls in their mismatched shirt. This is for some sort of school spirit thing they are doing at school this week. I bought two t-shirts at Goodwill, cut them in half and then sewed the mismatched halves together. Aren't they precious?

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Go Ahead and Gloat

Yeah, yeah, yeah -- you told me so.

Nine days of sobriety was enough for him. Got to feeling sorry for his damn self and kaboom -- Drunken Bubby.

Feeling sorry -- went to doctor and he needs surgery on his arm. Doctor says that he is a mess and that all of his joints are in bad shape. I still think that a lot of the pain is due to depression and the alcoholism and the desire to have the pain pills.

I know, I know -- gloat. Be smug enjoy yourselves. Be aggravated at me.

But -- as the old indian man said "Walk a Mile in My Moccasins."

You can call them excuses.

I view my issues as conflicts.

I am a person of positive outlook so I see the best in everyone. I know he has the potential and CAN do this. I also know that at this point in his life he doesn't want to do this.

I guess you can call me a whore because I need his bring home pay to take care of the home and the children. Oh, I can make it. But...the alternative is scary. Females like that safety net. Yes, I know you can't put a price on the children's needs.

Maybe I am just plain old lazy, tired or worn out, but I'm just tired of it right now and emotionally, physically I can't deal with it. He works third -- he drinks, sleeps, and for the kids it is pretty much out of sight, out of mind. They have no idea unless they hear me tell someone, that Daddy is drinking (the majority of the time.) Guess you can say I'm just flailing right now.

Stay and I'm a failure --- leave and I'm a failure. The church frowns upon divorce and I really don't like the idea of being a two-time divorcee. I don't have the money for an attorney right now and have borrowed and am paying back too much to my parents as it is. I'm tired of being a burden to them.

Guess BHP was right -- I am becoming bitter. I am starting to resign myself to this. Giving up. I know I need to pull myself up by my bootstraps.

Yep -- feeling sorry for myself today. Hell -- if I was him I would just drink. But, no someone has to be the responsible adult.

Just ranting and rambling.

So what am I doing for me? I do online al-anon, I pour myself into my church stuff and my kids, I blog, I reflect.

Yes, I am off of my antidepressants. I got my prescription filled and will start back. But, they make me not give a damn about anything. I hate that feeling. I care right now -- choice be a veg or care. Hmmmm.

So -- anyway he called me this morning and apologized. I told him I don't want to hear it and that he needs to straighten his act up. I need him. I need him to go to counseling or AA I told him. I can't afford counseling. We'll see he said.

Hell -- he can afford to go to the doctor everytime he runs out of Loratabs. $55 bucks for prescription and visit. But he can't afford to talk to someone that can help him get to the heart of the matter. Aaargh. Charming (a wonderful blog buddy) who is sober says that you have to find out what is causing you to drink. WHY?

His Dad is living with us. His dad is sober. His Dad is his primary alcohol example. His Dad is his EXCUSE and more than likely his issue. They need to come to terms with these issues. His Dad is seeing himself through his son and I believe has realized the harm he did.

Oh well -- no answers for now -- just getting off of my chest. Go ahead beat me up -- but offer something useful this time.

So what happened -- after doctor's appointment he had no ride back to the house so walked home. Called me and I was unavailable in a meeting. So he passes by old Crack Addicts house and stops to say hi. Ends up bring ol' dude home with him. J**** drinks. He also knew that I was going to be home early that day -- had arranged a technology delivery around lunch and long afternoon so we could have some "alone time." But guess he would rather be alone with a snaggle toothed addict than with his wife or family. So spent most of day trying to get him to get to sleep and listening to him holler. Kids did see him drunk this time and quickly retreated to neighbor's house to play after homework was done. Yep, he acted the arse and was very aggravating and beligerent.

Thank goodness we are having a "Gospel Meeting" this week a revival as most call it -- cause I need some reviving.

Sunday, October 07, 2007

Why I Write..

This blog is my sounding board. I usually do not post unless I am terribly aggravated, frustrated, etc. SO WHAT? well -- I publish the negative, it is one sided, it is biased. I write about the bad and not the good.

So -- let's take care of some business --

Does your church know you are keeping your children in that environment? Yes, in fact I have been very open with my congregation, asking for prayers for J**** and our family. They are supportive of keeping the family. My "pastor, minister, preacher" has counseled me and the men of the congregation are working on becoming friends with him. You, see -- he has no friends. He has "good time Charlie" buddies that talk about him behind his back but like him when he is as his Mama would say "Drunken Bubby."

Children's services will have something to say about this. Social Services was called once on my husband by the G*****'s preschool. The social worker, said that the claims were unfounded and there was no sign of negligence or child abuse in our home. Don't take too much stock in "children's services" - these are the same people that have returned my best friends' nieces sons (a crack addict) to her on several occasions.

"Nay"? Do you think your children are happy? Yes, they love their father. They speak well of their father. They have multiple outlets for expressing themselves. Their school counselors and teachers know that their father is an alcoholic and I have on occasion told the counselor that they may need to talk. They know that they can tell anyone that they want about what goes on at home, they speak freely with me, their father, their grandparents, their aunts. If they aren't happy -- Yes, it is because of me, but not because of their father -- but because -- I hate to admit it -- I am quite stern and tend to push too hard.

Beating a drug test. Is that illegal? If it is you are committing a crime. Beating a drug test by taking in someone's urine, yes. Is there a penalty -- nah -- I know folks who have done it and have been caught. Cleansing your body of toxins -- is that illegal -- don't think it would hold up, protecting your family from a mistake -- better than giving up. What would you do? Fight for your job or give up and let your children go without? Thin line? Anyway -- I doubt he'll be tested anyway.

Can you say "enabling"? Not in this case. I have done good at not enabling. But, we CANNOT afford for him to be without this job. He works hard -- he takes on 18 hours overtime each week. He smoked with a coworker. He did nothing wrong on the job -- he is having an allergic reaction to a chemical used for prepping parts for shipping. The supervisor noticed the chemical burns on his hands, sent him to the nurses station for ointment, the nurse wants him to get it looked at by company doctor. Why? Because he is such a good employee.

Any woman that would allow their children to be subjected to this abuse is just as bad as the man doing the abusing. Hmmm. To each his own. I know a woman who has a husband that is never there -- is this abuse, is she a co-abuser? I know man who says that his mother was a control freak -- was this abuse? I know people that constantly send their children to relatives to get them out of their hair -- is this abuse? We had a VP that traveled for her job, her husband worked hours away, their daughter had a nanny and rarely saw her parents -- is this abuse? If you cut to the chase -- no child lives in a perfect home -- all children suffer some sort of abuse.

Making him feel not so shit astounds me. Nobody is a piece of shit. All were created in God's image. For him to call himself a piece of shit is to call God a piece of shit. God is love. I love J****. So this is the segue to stuff you folks don't want to read -- the good stuff. The stuff I don't write about -- the thinks I have no reason to rant or rave about. Tell me, what wife doesn't "bitch" about her husband.

His week --

He gets home around 7:20 -- comes in and finishes getting the boy ready (shoes, jacket, gathering toys, and securing him in vehicle). Kisses me goodbye. Waits for me to call after boy is dropped off and talks on phone with me for 20 minute drive to work -- telling me about his night and discussing plans for the day. He winds down alone and sleeps. He gets up around 7:30 and goes to work early. Spends about an hour each night with children, me and his father -- listening to their day, readying himself for work, and looking at their school papers. The night that he didn't have to go in early this past week -- he got up early to do homework with the girls and play with the boy, he took a nap when I put them to bed and got up to go to work at 9:40. He got breakfast for everyone on Saturday morning, watched the girls do their new dance moves, and watched Spongebob with the boy. Saturday evening he watched G***** while F****, D***** and I went to the grocery, where I bought the stuff I needed for the potluck (the dish was his idea.) Sunday - he helped get the children ready for church, told the girls how pretty they looked and then praised the boy for being a big boy. He walked the girls around the block to play with their friend on another street. He goes to my parents at least one day a week to do chores for my aging father and asks nothing in return. And, he made a mistake the one day he went golfing. He has been alcohol free for nine days today. Yep, I vent in this blog -- but it's not all bad.

These things are not excuses, they are just answers, and as Paul Harvey would say, "the rest of the story." I will try in the future to post both the good and the bad. I tend to, when things are good - get complacent and not give credit where credit is due.

He is a good man, that needs help, he has low self-esteem. If any of you "anonymous" folks are personal acquaintances, then don't bash, berate, or demean -- be his friend. He needs GOOD people to be his friend. Because he is a good guy with bad ways. I am sorry I have not let you all get to know him.

If you are driving down the road and have a flat tire -- he would be the one to stop and help. If you were down and out -- he'd give you his last dime and the shirt off of his back. I have never heard him say a harsh or derogatory word about anyone, he is the most nonjudgmental person that I know. We could all learn from him.

Pot Luck

This is what I took to the church potluck today. Meatloaf and oven baked parmesan potatoes. Yum Yum.

Friday, October 05, 2007


At some point in one's life, there has to be a realization that actions have consequences. Consequences when part of a family mean that no longer do you mess up your own plans, but you mess up or cause inconveniences for others.

As an enabler, codependent, wife, daughter, daughter-in-law of alcoholics and/or drug users, I have suffered the consequences of the actions of these addicts.

Today -- small in the scheme of things, but still disheartening, I fell victim to the consequences of someone not thinking about the consequences of his actions.

J**** smoked a joint with a friend playing golf. He had been doing well this week, and no alcohol. The so-called friend offered him a joint and J**** partook, not giving thought to the consequences.

Last night at work -- attention was given to his hands which are raw and red from wearing latex gloves and working with mineral spirits. They told him, you will need to go next week to the company doctor (we'll make the appointment) to get that looked at. Now, company policy is ANY time you are sent to company doctor - you will be subjected to a drug test. J**** will not be clean.

Also, J**** has become insurance happy since he became a full-time employee with benefits. Since June 26 he has racked up over $1,000 in copays and coinsurance payments for his shoulder pains.

Also, because he had a DUI over a year ago he has to have DUI counseling.

So -- because of his not thinking his life decisions out we will be out approximately $200 on Dr. visit for shoulder, prescription, counseling, some sort of cleansing solution to get rid of the THC in his body and a drug test to make certain it worked.

How did this adversely effect me? I really would like to have my hair done professionally. I haven't done anything nice for myself in at least four years. Hey -- we've got a little extra -- for $50 I will get a shampoo, cut, and highlight.

Well, not now. I am disappointed. I did not belittle him, but I did pull out the budget sheet and say okay -- tell me how much you need to cover all of this. He said, I know, I'm a piece of shit. No you are not a piece of shit and this self-pity belittling yourself has got to stop too.

Aaaarrrrggghhhh. Will they ever learn? Doubt it. Anyway -- my hair will still look like poop and be really gray. But, we will get him clean and hopefully he will pass the test and keep his job. Hair or job -- yep job is more important. Dang him.