As an enabler, codependent, wife, daughter, daughter-in-law of alcoholics and/or drug users, I have suffered the consequences of the actions of these addicts.Today -- small in the scheme of things, but still disheartening, I fell victim to the consequences of someone not thinking about the consequences of his actions.
J**** smoked a joint with a friend playing golf. He had been doing well this week, and no alcohol. The so-called friend offered him a joint and J**** partook, not giving thought to the consequences.
Last night at work -- attention was given to his hands which are raw and red from wearing latex gloves and working with mineral spirits. They told him, you will need to go next week to the company doctor (we'll make the appointment) to get that looked at. Now, company policy is ANY time you are sent to company doctor - you will be subjected to a drug test. J**** will not be clean.
Also, J**** has become insurance happy since he became a full-time employee with benefits. Since June 26 he has racked up over $1,000 in copays and coinsurance payments for his shoulder pains.Also, because he had a DUI over a year ago he has to have DUI counseling.
So -- because of his not thinking his life decisions out we will be out approximately $200 on Dr. visit for shoulder, prescription, counseling, some sort of cleansing solution to get rid of the THC in his body and a drug test to make certain it worked.
How did this adversely effect me? I really would like to have my hair done professionally. I haven't done anything nice for myself in at least four years. Hey -- we've got a little extra -- for $50 I will get a shampoo, cut, and highlight.
Well, not now. I am disappointed. I did not belittle him, but I did pull out the budget sheet and say okay -- tell me how much you need to cover all of this. He said, I know, I'm a piece of shit. No you are not a piece of shit and this self-pity belittling yourself has got to stop too.Aaaarrrrggghhhh. Will they ever learn? Doubt it. Anyway -- my hair will still look like poop and be really gray. But, we will get him clean and hopefully he will pass the test and keep his job. Hair or job -- yep job is more important. Dang him.
9 comments:
Actually I believe he is a piece of shit and how you can carry on defending him and making him feel not so shit astounds me - you're one hell of a woman!!
P.S. You wouldn't have grey hair if HE didn't put you through it all the time!
"Will they ever learn? I doubt it"
That is exactly what I am wondering, but the person I am wondering that about is YOU. You told him before that if he did it again, you would leave. Well, time and time again, you have proven that you didn't mean a word that you said. You will keep letting him do this to you, but what about your children? What right do you have to do this to them, allow him to do this to him.
It sounds to me like someone needs to take your children until you both get help. Any woman that would allow their children to be subjected to this abuse is just as bad as the man doing the abusing.
Shame on you both.
And yes, before you try to protect him, and yourself, by saying that what is going on isn't abuse-don't bother. It is, the bruises are there, but you justify them because you cannot see them. Imagine what type of relationships your children will have when they grow up. You are showing them it is ok, because you refuse to leave and keep them safe. Your daughters will marry a man just like dear old dad.
Very very sad. And the legacy lives on.
Nay,
It pains me to say this, but I have to agree with the anonymous poster. He's not the only one who's not taking responsibility.
Here's what really tells me this:
"I fell victim to the consequences of someone"
Sweetie, you are NOT a victim. You remain there by choice. I know. I've been there. I did it for years!
"J**** smoked a joint with a friend playing golf"
If this comes as a surprise, you are deceiving yourself. It's called denial, Nay. How long are going to play this game?
"some sort of cleansing solution to get rid of the THC in his body and a drug test to make certain it worked"
Can you say "enabling"?
Sweetie, I don't mean to beat up on you like this, but as you said, "there has to be a realization that actions have consequences".
I realize that you love him. I still love my ex-husband and I haven't been with him in nearly a decade. But your behaviors are not an act of love. They are acts of desperation and fear and codependency.
You are NOT a bad person for making these mistakes. We've all made them. But now it's time to work on your own stuff and to stop trying to fix his sorry drama.
I love you, Nay. You are worth loving. You have a right to be happy.
Peace,
Dharmashanti
Nay,
If you need someone to talk to, if you need a sponsor, send me an email and I will give you my phone number.
It breaks my heart to see someone going through what I did. I'm available to help!
Peace,
Dharma
I am very good friends with a toxicologist at the local crime lab. Doesn't matter what he does, he will not be able to beat that urinalysis test, unless he uses someone else's urine, just as a forewarning.
Good luck, but if I were in your shoes, I'd be preparing to have some storm clouds headed your direction.
Beating a drug test. Is that illegal? If it is you are committing a crime.
Yes, it is very illegal. They have more advanced testing now, that can detect the chemicals of the substance someone uses to try to thwart the system. Even if it is a regular urine analysis, they can find out.
Can you answer one question, "Nay"? Do you think your children are happy?
I'm right there with you in so many ways...but I'm learning to get my freakin' hair done if I want it. I've got to look out for me, as he sure as hell isn't going to.
Sorry you're going through it, though.
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