Thursday, November 30, 2006

Sis Lets J**** have it

See Sis's blog....

Link Removed because of nosy assed, trouble makers.

I love you Big Sissy.

So -- Sissy has sent me an electronic copy of what she wrote -- here it is...

Dear Brother-in-Law

I know you occasionally read my blog so I've been thinking that I'll use it as an opportunity to put down my thoughts and feelings about the current problems you and my baby sister are going through. You can tell me to butt out, that it's none of my business -- but you know what, I don’t care, sometimes I just have to have my say. So, here goes...

What I’m about to say is the truth - and sometimes truth hurts like hell. I'm saying these things to you because I hate seeing the unhappiness you have put in my sister's eyes. Especially when I looked at her this evening, she was so sad. It broke my heart.

It's time for you to listen. So, if you don't want to read this, click on that little “X” up there in the right hand corner. But for now, it's my turn.

I am worried about my sister and her babies, especially when I see how they react to you when you are drinking. For every action there is a reaction. My sister’s reactions have become sadness, torment, and confusion. Tonight I watched her - she's about ready to explode - and you have helped her get to that point! Tonight I listened to her cry – she is suffering – and you have helped make her like this. I don’t know how much more she can take.

If you remember, you and I had a little talk a couple years ago; our talk came about after I found out about a particular drunken night you had, a night which you scared my sister pretty bad. I took you for a ride in my car. I told you I was very angry with you. I told you some stories about how my kids grew up watching their daddy do the same exact things you had done and I begged you to not do that to my sister ever again. You said you would never be like that.

Then about a year ago (after another drunken night blow up) I came to your house and we sat at the kitchen table and you told me that you wanted to do right. You cried and said you wanted to show her that you could be a good man, a good husband, and a good father. You begged her for another chance; you told her that you'll do better.

Then about a month or so ago (after you passed out) she had to grab up her babies, in the dark of night, leave the safety of her home, and escape to my house. Because you laid your hands on her and you scared the children!!!! How dare you!!!!

You are doing EXACTLY what my EX did to me and my kids. No, you are not him, but after I spent a few hours with you today, you brought back some old memories of how I used to live my life. It made me sad. I don’t want that for my sister. I don’t want that for my nieces and nephew. Enough is enough.

Don't you realize that everything you do, no matter how big or how small, no matter what it is, those babies' eyes are right on you - taking it all in. They are like little sponges, soaking it ALL up in their little brains - watching and learning more from you than you will ever realize. School is going teach them the 3 Rs, "reading, writing, and arithmetic. Right now you are teaching them the 3 Ls.

1) How to drink Liquor
2) How to Live with an alcoholic.
3) How to Lie to your friends and family.

When I was going through my divorce, my popaw told me that he liked my EX, but my EX wasn't doing right by his family (being a drunken, drugged up, pot-head) and that what he needed was a baseball bat upside his head and to find the Lord. I wonder what popaw would say about you right now. He'd never come right out and say it, but my thought is that he'd be pretty ashamed of you.

You know, I have come to realize why I don't get along with my mama - it is because I was mad at her for a very long time. Mad at her for never getting us kids away from our daddy when he was drunk. Maybe I'm still mad because she taught me to do the same thing she did – stay there and take it.

I did that. And my daughter hated me for it. I did not protect her when she felt she needed it the most. I failed her. It is a parent's duty to protect their children from harm. I finally escaped - but it was too late, the harm had been done - to me and to my kids. Today my daughter is practically living the same life I lived and my son is becoming his father.

Do you want your girls to hate their mother for not protecting them from you when you come home drunk or high? Do you want your girls to hate you for putting their mother and them through this hell? Do you want your son to drink and get high with you? Is that something you look forward to doing? Do you understand what I'm trying to say?

It's a vicious cycle and it needs to be broken - but as long as this continues, that's what's going happen to your family. Do you really want that?

You will say "I'd never harm my kids" - maybe not physically, but you are harming them mentally and emotionally and that hurts far worse than any bruise ever will. Bruises go away. Bad memories stay with you and can definitely cause irreparable harm.

She may continue to put up with your ways and put up with your drinking and getting stoned or high, because deep down inside she'll have hope that one day you’ll wake up. But while all this is going on with you and while she is waiting, you know what will happen - she'll finally come to hate you and hate everything about you. One day she’ll wake up and say, “I’ve had enough, I’m done.”

Things have got to change. You need to admit you have a problem and get help. Quit drinking. Quit medicating yourself with pain pills. Quit smoking pot. Get a job. Help out around the house. Be a father to your children. Be a loving husband. If you can’t do any of these things for your family or even for yourself – then get out of their lives. Lord knows no one can MAKE a person do anything until they are good and ready. She can't make you change your lifestyle - that's entirely your decision. If you are not ready to step up and be the man your family deserves, then I'd really like to know your reason why.


Sissy, I wrote this out of love for you, and if I have overstepped my boundaries or offended you in any way, I truly apologize. I hate seeing you go through the same things I did. You know if you ever need me, I'm a phone call away.

Monday, November 27, 2006

Poor Little Fella

Home today with a sick little boy. Hoping things will soon get back to normal. He's going back to the doctor this afternoon. He's in his favorite spot - he doesn't want anyone but Mommy.

Doctor says that he has a bad sinus infection and has put him on another antibiotic. Am going to work tomorrow -- hope it will be okay to get him out in the morning without making him feel worst.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

A Picture's Worth a Kilo

Saw someone selling this on Ebay yesterday and I thought... I have heard J**** say this. I know it is supposed to be a joke (on the shot glass), but to those who live with an addicted person the humor stings.

By quitting cigarette smoking I understand how hard it is to try to recover from an addiction. The desire for the next fix of nicotine is there, but to me it is not overwhelming. I believe I was able to kick the habit, because of my motive.

A pack of my cigarettes cost between $2.76 to $3.00 a pack. That is $21 a week, and up to $93 a month. It costs $88 per month for our girls to attend Dance class. We are broke, I thought, how can I afford for them to dance -- quit smoking - and you still have $5 to spare. My children ARE my motivation.

J**** has been abstaining from his alcohol addiction. BUT (don't you just love this qualifier).
1. We are broke so no money to buy it
2. He can't drive to go and get anything
3. He is not working thus he is not leaving the house.

Whenever he goes outside to smoke a cigarette, I always say, "Smoke one for me." He retorted last night with, "You go take a drink for me." WOW -- It made me think that my withdrawals have made me understand a bit more how his withdrawals must feel. Irritable, antsy, always in the back of your mind....mmmmmmm nicotine. He hasn't had a drink since November 3, BUT -- there's that qualifier again.

Last night my niece called crying and she was having a flare up with her sarcoidosis disease. She was pitiful saying that no one believed her -- she ended up driving herself to the hospital which is near our house. I told her to stop by and pick up J**** (he loves her, they were friends before J**** and I met). I couldn't go with her because D***** was sick and I was contemplating taking him to the ER myself. He is much better this morning.

I tell you this because as a family member of an addict -- Al-Anon tries to teach you to DETACH from the addicts problem because, "You can't cure it, you can't control it, and you didn't cause it." BUT -- he is at my niece's house -- the ER gave her a very strong painkiller and she could not drive home -- he drove her home. They live in a place that is full of temptation for J****. Her husband, her mother-in-law, her father, her brother are all addicted to something and I worry will he partake. My niece is addicted to Xanax -- I would rather J**** drink than take a Xanax they make him hateful. DETACHMENT is hard.

J**** reads this blog -- so if he makes it through today -- that is 20 days with no drunk alcohol episodes. I have been 14 days with no cigarettes. It is stupid for either of us to turn back now. When he quit drinking on April 22, 2002 for over two years I quit my occasional drinking of alcohol too -- I have not had a drink to this day, and I understand the desire for one. I have that gene too that would make me an alcoholic quick. As I type this, my mouth waters and thinks, Gin would be really good right now. Yes folks, the hard stuff for me, no sissy beer, wine or champagne. Give me Gin, Vodka, or Bourbon.

Our babies deserve the best -- the choices are:

1. a good job OR a good buzz
2. activities for the girls OR a cigarette for mom
3. fairweather friends OR men like those at church who are there as a brother

I really think that J**** understands how seriously I am sick of ALL addictions. Today will tell because he will be faced with temptation and not protected here at home. I pray that he stays on the path. The past week or so have been nice, he has helped me with the children, with budgeting, and with alternative ideas to make quick money, including selling his comic collection on Ebay. That is one sacrifice greatly appreciated, NOW keep sacrificing those addictions to the gods.

By the way -- You know how two people can be in tune with one another and you just know. I DON'T have that gut feeling that today will be a bad day, so I think all will be well for one more day.


Saturday, November 25, 2006

Sick and Tired - for Real

15th - D***** - Bronchitis - he had a chest x-ray. Prescribed azythromycin and albuterol sulfate - no fever
16th - F**** -- Pneumonia - CBC, Catscan, IV - Prescribed augmentin - 102.1 fever
20th - G***** -- Bronchitis - Prescribed amoxicillin and guifenesin with codein - 102.6 fever
20th - G***** -- around 9:00 pm - fever of 105 -- lukewarm baths -- down to 103
22nd - G***** -- Pneumonia - she had a chest x-ray, Prescribed azythromycin and prednisone - fever 101.4

We've been alternating Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen and now we are taking Delsym for cough.

F**** is the only one that is somewhat well.
G***** is coughing and still running a low-grade temp and her little eyes look hollow. I can get her to drink but not eat. When she gets well - we are going to have to take her to a buffet.
D***** - I just took his temp - it is 101.4 his nose is yucky and he is coughing. Guess he's going to the doctor tomorrow to have him tell me that this one has pneumonia too. He's been throwing up but I think that is just where he coughs and the phlegm comes up. I know lovely image there.

Me -- scratchy throat, achy, and tired. Hanging in there.
J**** -- tired too but I don't think he's caught it. We both had tummy troubles yesterday, the ewwww kind.

So what do you do with three sick babies? Watch movies -- thank goodness for free movies from the library. Watch a lot of TV. Color, color, color. Homework from where they missed school. Hold them a lot and let them sleep.

Here's Daddy's masterpiece. That is Larry-Boy the cucumber from Veggie Tales. Strange little cartoon but the kids love it. He has been the main source of entertainment and go get'm guy -- while I have been the main source of "hold me, hold me."

Someone commented the other day that he was probably drunk when Ms. F**** was getting her IV. He was there holding her and sober -- she wanted her daddy. It's a little girl thing. I was the same way and yes, he does a lot of stupid, inconsiderate stuff, but like my Daddy he can soothe and calm his little girl down in a matter of seconds. Kind of like the song -- Daddy's Hands by the Judds.

We've actually made a pretty darn good team these past few days.

For Thanksgiving we went to J****'s Mom and Pa's house. The food was good. The kids and I made fudge and it was a big hit. The kids were not feeling well. D***** had been feeling pretty good up until we got there then he started getting lethargic and feverish.

I don't allow people to smoke in our house. They do. There were a total of four smokers in approximately a 1100 square foot house. I think this escalated the problem with the respiratory problems. I made this comment to J**** after I excused us early from the festivities. It made him angry. I explained to him that I would have done the same if it had been Thanksgiving at my parents where there are also smokers. Oh and yes, I am still smoke free and getting fatter. Here's D***** sick and tired with his Pa.It is now 4:00 am and I have two children awake and acting like they feel much better -- it is amazing what a dose of acetaminaphin will do. D***** is furniture diving and laughing.

Those of you with kids -- have you ever noticed that they will act very sick, lethargic, to the point of death at home, but when you get them to the doctor -- you would think that the Mama is crazy because the child acts and seems healthy. Aaaaarrrrrrgggggghhhhhh.

Alcohol update:
At his mother's (Granny S) house she was bragging about J****'s battle with staying sober and said that she thought he had been doing well for a time now. (I have stopped giving her details, it worries her, and she's not healthy.) Anyway, I rolled my eyes, sister-in-law giggled and Granny S looked at me and said, he is hanging in there isn't he? I just grinned and crooked my pinky to indicate that he was barely hanging on and gently said -- "for the most part but he falls off the wagon about once every two weeks."
Saturday the 18th he told me he was going to book tobacco to make some extra money. He came home with no money (so he says, but there was a $50 bill in his pocket when I went to do laundry today) and a really good buzz. Just an average too much to drink, nothing eventful, just real disappointing. Six beers is what he says.

Keep us in your prayers -- I would like to get them well before Monday so they can go back to school and I can go back to work.

Happy Holidays and i hear child number three waking up. Of course -- I'm sleepy and want to go back to bed...Oh the joys of being a mother. Guess I'll start the pancakes and coffee.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

2,190 Days ago (give or take a leap day)

November 22, 2000 - We were married.

Sixth Anniversary

A great way to combine both traditional themes would be to arrange a gourmet assortment of favorite candies in a decorative iron bowl. Wrap it in fancy cello tied with a ribbon, and perhaps attach a gift certificate to the local candy shop. Iron gifts can include a wide array of items like an iron skillet, trivet, plant stand, golf clubs, or an iron sculpture. Alternatively, a wood themed gift could be an exotic plant or gardening gear.

Traditional: Candy / Iron
Modern: Iron
Alternate Modern: Wood

How romantic this day was six years ago. F**** turned six months old on this day. We were sitting on the couch and I happened to think that the license we bought was about to expire. So, we looked at each other and said -- "Hey, seems like a good day to me." So we called the judge executive's office and were married that afternoon. One of the women in the judge's office was my witness and J****'s brother-in-law came to town to witness for him. J****'s mother met us outside the office as we were leaving. She was happy and took our picture (which I cannot find or I'd scan it for this blog.) We went home and went on as normal. We've been married for six years today. Longer than my first marriage.

How we met

My divorce from my first husband was final. I was house sitting for a good friend (God rest her soul). It was a Sunday morning and I decided to return home to check on things, shower, change and go to church. My niece was living with me at the time. My niece had a small party at my house. Her, her boyfriend, another couple, J****, and another really wierd guy were crashing at my house. I come into the house, all is in proper order, just people everywhere. I go into my room -- which is off limits to her company -- no one was in there. Without waking anyone, I get my things and head to the shower. When I get out of the shower, the wierd guy is on my bed. At this moment, I get really pissed and wake everyone in the house and run them all off, except for one -- J****. He was lying on the couch asleep, he had just gotten out of jail (I didn't know that at the time), he was cute and he was ripped. I was newly divorced and he's young, I'm in my thirties, ooooooooooh the possibilities.

Three amazing possibilities later. We are still together and here are our songs:

Mushy mushy time -- I'd say "I love you", he'd say "I love you more." Here's a song -- I'll just give the chorus...


"I'll Still Love You More"


If you say that you love me
More than anybody
Than anyone's ever been loved before
As much as you love me
Baby, I'll still love you
Baby, I'll still love you more
I'll still love you more


Then there was our song that was for all the naysayers, that said it wouldn't work because -- of the age difference:

Artist: Shania Twain Lyrics
Song: Your still the one Lyrics

Looks like we made it
Look how far we've come my baby
We mighta took the long way
We knew we'd get there someday

They said, I bet they'll never make it
But just look at us holding on
We're still together still going strong

(You're still the one)
You're still the one I run to
The one that I belong to
You're the one I want for life
(You're still the one)
You're still the one that I love
The only one I dream of
You're still the one I kiss good night

Ain't nothin' better
We beat the odds together
I'm glad we didn't listen
Look at what we would be missin'

They said, I bet they'll never make it
But just look at us holding on
We're still together still going strong

(You're still the one)
You're still the one I run to
The one that I belong to
You're the one I want for life
(You're still the one)
You're still the one that I love
The only one I dream of
You're still the one I kiss good night

(You're still the one)
You're still the one I run to
The one that I belong to
You're the one I want for life
(You're still the one)
You're still the one that I love
The only one I dream of
You're still the one I kiss good night

I'm so glad we made it
Look how far we've come my baby

Today is an anniversary -- not a day to dwell on his or my negatives, but to celebrate what I love about him. Tomorrow - will be Thanksgiving and we'll dwell on what we are thankful for... Right now we have invested 2,190 days to this union. A milestone in this society -- some may say a stumbling block --but today, it is our milestone.

Friday, November 17, 2006

I'm a Quitter

Well, I've quit smoking. I stopped Sunday November 12 around 10:00 am.

I've been meaner than hell. But I've not had a cigarette. Two coworkers and I set our stop date for the 12th because the Farmer's Almanac said that was a good day to quit. We didn't even know that this week was the Great American Smokeout Week. We just did it.

You know -- cigarette smoke smell stinks.

J**** is a smoker and well, he stinks. My van, it stinks. Other folks who smoke -- I can smell them and they stink. As one of my coworkers noted: She feels so guilty about how bad it stinks because her little boy had to get into that stinky car and whenever she would hold him next to her, you know he had to think, "Gee mom, you stink." Same thing goes for mine too, I guess.

It might just stick this time, because S**** and I are competitive and you'd have to threaten us with our lives to ake us lose to the other one.

Still working on the budgeting thing, trying to catch up so I can follow DR's baby steps.

I have two sick young'ns.

Took D***** the toddler to the doctor on Wednesday and they gave him a chest x-ray. He has bronchitis and is now on an antibiotic and albuterol sulfate. I think the albuterol gives him a buzz.

Took F**** the six year old to the doctor yesterday and she had to have a blood test (CBC) and a cat scan. They thought she had appendicitis with the possibility that it had ruptured. It ended up being pneumonia. It is awful to watch nurses and lab technicians poke and prod your baby with needles. I cried. She cried. She screamed, I cried. She begged them to stop. I cried. It was a horrible day for the child.

She was having excruciating stomach pain. We went straight to the doctor and bypassed the other patients. They sent her for bloodwork, then to the catscan. She had to drink that nasty stuff that coats your stomach, she cried. It was nasty. She had to get an IV. All this with a fever of 102.6. After all was said and done and she woke up on the examining table where she fell asleep waiting for the test results, she looked at all of us adults (after six hours of tests) and wisely says. "Well, that wasn't all that bad."

I love her. I'm glad it wasn't a ruptured appendix, she is on antibiotics now.

The doctors told us to run the vaporizor and ours has a light on it. So D***** thinks it is hot and will not go near it. He points and says "Hot" and walks a big circle around it. So cute.

Does J**** have a job?

I have no clue. The concrete contractor has not called him back since he hurt his knee. He's been helping a carpeting subcontractor. But that is only when the guy needs help and can't do the job by himself. So as far as monetary support. I count him out.

Hey, if I put a paypal button on this blog -- reckon anyone would donate to taking care of this family. The kids would mail you really cool thank you cards and stuff.

Oh well. We'll make it -- we always do.

Happy upcoming Thanksgiving. Guess my next entry will be the ever popular. What are you Thankful for?

Thursday, November 09, 2006

53 Years Ago

November 9, 1953 Mama married Daddy. April 22, 1954 Sis was born. Do the math.

Back in 1953 a pregnancy out of wedlock in a small town was a terrible thing. To this day, Mama will not allude to this, she will not discuss this, they do not mention that it is their anniversary (Daddy will, but not Mama).

Daddy has been an alcoholic as long as I can remember. Sis and I both wonder, is she happy, has she ever been happy? Mama told me once, "If I had it to do over, I'd have had my kids without keeping the man." We are the joys in her life. Looking from the outside in -- poor Mama.

Daddy has always provided. He has worked. He is a miserable ol' codger at times, but he has a funny dry wit. He is big-hearted to a fault, I think most alcoholics are that way.

I think I lived through the brunt of the alcoholism, when it was really, really bad.
I remember a time he was sitting in the recliner, definitely a blackout. "I was young, 10 or 12 and remember verbatim. I could have been somebody, UK was looking at me for a scholarship, I was just a boy, not out of school, but had to take care of family. I could have been someone." Then he began lamenting about the babies that died at birth. So as you see, there's no satisfying an alcoholic when they want to feel sorry for themselves.

But, I also remember Mama being sick and Daddy taking care of her, the home, and all of us, and worrying, because he does love her very much. This last time Mama was in the hospital and I drove Daddy to/from the hospital, he spoke so lovingly about her, he knows he's done stuff and I believe he's sorry, he felt so useless because he couldn't take care of her during her stay at the hospital. He had just had cataract surgery and couldn't drive, couldn't see to dial the phone, and he was lonely without her.

When I was going to counseling, BHO talked about being bitter, and I have mentioned that in this blog before, my Mama is bitter. She has a hard shell that protects her from being hurt. She holds grudges in a "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me" sort of attitude. She asks lots of questions of her children, it annoys us, but I think it is her way of finding out if we are getting bitter too, keeping us open, keeping our shells soft so we are not as hardhearted as her. Even though we are adults, she's our Mama and to her, to me, to you Sis, we will NEVER stop being her babies, and we will NEVER stop trying to protect our young.

Oh, poor Mama, both of her precious baby girls married an alcoholic. Sis, your daughter married a man with an addiction, your son is an alcoholic. Oh, dear God, what will I do when my son takes his first drink, and my daughter's marry their Father. Will I be my mother?

Poor Mama. I am so sorry.

NOTE: Daddy still drinks, but not to the extent that he did in the past. He is a wonderful man and he loves us so. He put us through a lot, but now well he's an old fart that spends his day out in the garage away from the old bat in the house watching those rotten grandkids of his. I thank God everynight for both of them. Without them, I would be lost.

Exciting Stuff: My brother was on NPR Radio today playing his viola. He's bald.

Monday, November 06, 2006

STRESSED Spelled Backwards is DESSERTS

J**** read my blog and was a total horse's rearend. Everytime I touch the computer he gives me that snide -- "what? you blogging again?" attitude. I just want to smack him upside his head.

He read it Thursday night. Pouted, said, "You hate me." I don't hate anyone. How can someone not understand? You are still here -- so duh -- I don't hate you. If I hated you it would be so much easier for me to follow through.

So Friday -- he cops this attitude -- I think he has some whiskey hidden somewhere because the liquid courage was there. Trying to assert his manhood he says he is not happy with me, woman get this, woman get that. By not happy, I mean not happy with the things that I wrote. He instant messaged my sister and said he felt like "second fiddle", that we "think he is too dumb to watch his own kids", that he is "very down." Being pitiful.

Then the way he acts when my mother calls the house, just makes me soooo angry. My mother has always, as long as we have been together, called me multiple times of the day. It is her outlet. Sometimes I am the only one that will talk to her without putting her off. He needs to realize that this is her coping mechanism and he just needs to deal with it. She's my mom for God's sake, be glad she cares. She has lived my life.

Back to Friday -- I call the house to see how the children are doing and to see if they need me to stop and pick up anything before I get home. He's screaming at the girls, the boy is crying, it sounds like a madhouse. So I dash out of work, stop and buy milk, and go home. All has calmed down. I begin preparing supper and he wants to be all touchy feely -- In the immortal words of Loretta Lynn, "Don't come home a drinkin' with lovin' on your mind." There is nothing more disgusting than being groped, etc by a drunken oaf. He backs me into the corner in the kitchen -- I have fish frying on the stove and well fish cooks quick and I don't have time to mess with him. Also, don't back me into a corner. I'm like a wild animal when I feel pinned in and I get extremely defensive. I push him away and he pushes me closer to the cabinets. I reach down and grab his manhood -- not the real owee part but just the boneless portion to get his attention. He grabs my neck. I squeeze harder, he squeezes harder, I can't breathe, I let go, he let's go. I look him in the eyes and say " I am NOT scared of you, remember that."

The fish was really good -that is the first time I have cooked Tilapia.

He didn't work any last week - between his knee and rain and a boss that works on a whim. So I am stressing this week about money. No money. Am trying to work the Dave Ramsey, Total Money Makeover and getting started is very hard. I need him to bring in a paycheck to make ends meet. Here is a post that I put on the forum.

Here goes!!! Family of 5, Mama, Daddy, 6, 5, 22month old.

Monthly Income $3,600 - if he is able to work, else I don't even want to go there...

First of Month:
Mortgage - 1003.00 (includes escroll)
Unsecured Loan - 145.00
Dance Class - 88.00
TMMO - 9.00

Mid Month:
Water/Trash/Sewer - 30.00
Electricity - 70.00
Gas - 100.00
Cable/Internet - 105.00
Vonage - 28.00
Cell - 110.00
Cred Card 1 - 15.00
Cred Card 2 - 15.00
Cred Card 3 - 15.00
Cred Card 4 - 30.00
Auto Loan - 347.00
Student Loan - 60.00
Bank Loan 168.00
Bad Auto Loan - 100.00

Quarterly Bills
Auto Insurance - 151.00

Other Bills -
Court bill for DH - 518.00 by Dec 18 else jailtime - 200.00 saved for this
Med Bills for DH - 850.00
Owe my mom/dad - 2500.00 - they are very considerate of situation
Owe his dad - 430.00 - he too is broke and wants his money NOW.

Household bills:
Grocery - 400.00
Gas station - 120.00
School Lunches - 60.00
Church - 40.00
Medical 30.00

Oh and I'm overdrawn...

Behind on Auto Loan and Cable, DH works construction so money is seasonal, no EF yet. Cell is a 2 year contract - what will they do if I break contract?
Cable is a bundled deal with internet. We've done away with fast food, etc.

I'm selling on Ebay.

Go ahead critique, fuss at me, be constructive, be harsh, just share your knowledge.

Thank you.
I am so thankful that God takes care of fools and little children.
Still learning to crawl...

By the way --

Thanks again for all of your comments. To you it seems that I am spinning my wheels, but this blog allows me to think through it and become stronger and your comments do help. Keep'm coming -- many hit home and none have offended. Please don't get tired of me -- be patient with me. I am a survivor and have always in the end thrived. This too shall pass.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda

Thanks to everyone for your comments on my post about "Laying Down the Law".

I SHOULDA made him leave. I COULDA made him leave. Don't know about the woulda part.

Why didn't I?

It seems so cut and dry. He's been actively drinking now since July 2004. He was sober for 834 days prior to that. You WOULDA thought that I WOULDA done it then. He's done lots of stupid things since then, wrecks, DUI's, blackouts, becoming more and more aggressive in his drinking, rumors of another woman... You WOULDA thought that I WOULDA done it by now.

He doesn't see that his actions are "that bad." He says, "I'm doing a lot less (drinking/drugs) than I used too." I'm astounded by his comments.

Why don't I?

As far as I can figure, it is what I am comfortable with -- and yes, being in a situation with three small children, that is very selfish on my part. Why in the world would I allow them to get comfortable with such a horrible disease as alcoholism? You WOULDA thought that I WOULDA avoided that as quickly as possible.

Why won't I?

Keep asking -- because I keep asking myself. The money is there, the lawyer is there, the means to do it are there -- but the WILL is not there. This too confounds me because I have been told by so many people how determined a person I am. How stubborn I can be? But I keep spinning my wheels. I need to go back to BHP and have her counsel me on what the heck is stopping me.

So what do I do? -- conflicting notions

I need to read more al-anon literature. I'm still a babe in that program and right now my notions are that:
  • You are powerless over the alcohol.
  • Alcoholism is a disease.
  • You love the person not the disease.
  • Don't let the disease control you.
  • Take care of yourself.
  • Let the alcoholic find his own way.
  • Would you abandon someone if their disease was something else like cancer?

Where do you draw the line between a disease and a bad habit that needs to be broken?

Don't get me wrong, Al-anon is helping me take care of myself, but it is confusing me about my relationship with him, and about my support of him spiritually and emotionally since I am his wife and made a vow.

My Higher Power inspired the BIBLE. The Bible says this about alcohol. I found this at this link: They say it better than I could.

Abuse, drunkenness condemned

"Both the Old and New Testaments contain many examples and commands against excessive use of alcohol and drunkenness. Drunkenness is listed as one of the works of the flesh (Gal. 5:21). That means it is the result of the undisciplined, indiscriminate use of alcohol. Jesus warned his followers not to be drunk (Luke 21:34).

The apostle Paul told the Corinthian church to “put away from among yourselves”—to have no fellowship—with a person who cannot control his or her drinking (1 Cor. 5:11-13). This refers to people who will not face up to or try to overcome drinking problems, not people who are working on and overcoming their problems. The Bible says that drunkards will not enter the kingdom of God (1 Cor. 6:9-10, Gal. 5:21). No one who abuses alcohol should be ordained an elder in the ministry of Jesus Christ (1 Tim. 3:3, 8, Tit. 1:7). If a minister drinks, it should be in moderation.

Throughout the Bible, God criticizes those who are “mighty to drink” (Isa. 5:22). Excessive drinkers are committing an evil (Prov. 23:20-21, Isa. 28:1-8). The improper use of wine makes wine a mocker and deceiver (Prov. 20:1). Those who “tarry long over wine” and spend a great deal of time in drinking will find all kinds of woe, sorrow and trouble (Prov. 23:29-30)."

Then there's my family...

Sis has been there done that. She shoulda, coulda, woulda and finally did leave. Now she and her children are paying dearly for that time living with the horrible disease.

Mom has been there done that. She shoulda, coulda, woulda and is still doing it. As Sis says, Mama is unhappy and has been for almost 53 years and that is what makes her so scared for me.

Here's what I want to do - -but can't bring myself to do it... The Shoulda

I want to divorce him, I want him to be my friend, I don't want to live with him because of the alcoholism and occasional drug use. I want SIS to come and live with us so we can take care of each other spiritually and emotionally and we can both take care of our babies.

But I can't and I really don't know why I can't. I'm not scared. I'm not lonely. As far as I can figure, it is what I know and I am complacent.

Sorry to let you down -- I'm trying -- and I am growing.

Updates --

He's been behaving himself since the Laying Down the Law post. He's been active in budgeting, housekeeping, etc. Let me qualify that -- there was one questionable day -- but I was too tired to pay attention to him, I had Halloween costumes to make.

He has hurt his knee and can't work plus it is raining. Wish I was farther along in the David Ramsey program and had an emergency fund.

He is still a dork -- I was asleep last night and he is on GTalk with my boss pretending to be me. Fishing for innappropriate behavior. Yeah -- me and W -- don't make us laugh.

He has been partaking in Kentucky's money crop, not buying it, just if offered he obliges. Pisses me off because I would like him to get a real job that isn't seasonal or dependent on the weather. Guess what -- to do that and be a responsible adult you have to be drug free.

Halloween was great!!!! Pics of the kids are on the Flickr account. Click on the banner in the sidebar to see a princess, the Devil, and Superman.

Sis has to have surgery on her elbow tomorrow. I am going to take care of her and be at the hospital with her. I love her and she thinks she's a burden, but I am happy that she wants me there. It makes me feel good. Go see her blog - as I've said before - we are a lot alike. She dressed as Aunt Bea for Halloween, maybe we can get her to post a pic on her blog.