Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Call Me When You're Sober


"Call Me When You're Sober"

Click on image to go to their website & hear the song.

Don't cry to me.

If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
You want me

Come find me.
Make up your mind.

Should I let you fall?

Lose it all?
So maybe you can remember yourself.

Can't keep believing,
We're only deceiving ourselves.
And I'm sick of the lie,
And you're too late.

Don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
You want me,
Come find me.
Make up your mind.

Couldn't take the blame.
Sick with shame.
Must be exhausting to lose your own game.
Selfishly hated,
No wonder you're jaded.
You can't play the victim this time,
And you're too late.

Don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
You want me,
Come find me.
Make up your mind.

You never call me when you're sober.
You only want it cause it's over,
It's over.

How could I have burned paradise?
How could I - you were never mine.

So don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
Don't lie to me,

Just get your things.
I've made up your mind.

Monday, October 23, 2006

Laying Down the Law

After this weekend I have every right in this world to Divorce, Cause Bodily Injury To, Get an EPO, you name it. I am so done with you.

I told you this morning on the phone, you will go to AA tonight. You will go to AA everytime the door is open. You will look at me and say yes ma'am, how high do you want me to jump and kiss my ass in the process.

I will NOT be lied to again. I am NOT stupid, I know if you have been drinking. I've been married to you almost six long years.

You will NOT embarrass me in front of my mother again. You will NOT upset my mother and make her worry about her grandbabies and fear leaving them and me alone with you.

I will NOT be called BITCH in front of my children again. I will not be referred to as WOMAN get this get that. I DEMAND respect.

If you are going to threaten to smash in my teeth -- do it you piece of chicken shit!!

If you are going to threaten to beat my eyes closed -- bring it. 'Cause bucko, you saw what a feisty woman can do to you - this bitch got you down on the floor and you couldn't move for 45 minutes and that was only because she LET you up.

If your 6'3" of drunken clumsiness thinks you can whoop my 5'7" inches of mama hen, then buddy, you have another thing coming to you. I can kick your ass. You are drunk. You have no balance, you have no aim, you cannot think on your feet. And, as you called me, this BITCH can take you.

I was beaten by one man in my life and it will never happen again.

I have fought a real man when he was drunk and I was a scrawny teenage girl at that time. My Daddy felt a lot worst than me the next day, I think he phrased it "I feel like I've been beat with a two x four."

I will NOT let my children be afraid of their father again. I would NOT be a good mother if my children ever have to lock themselves behind a bedroom door while their mama restrains their father, again. They will NOT be put in this situation AGAIN.

DIVORCE is one phone call away and you WILL NOT get custody, I WILL get sole custody.

I CAN do better without you. I truly believe that life would be better without YOU.


1) I would be happy -- looking at what you have become depresses me.
2) I would not be worried all of the time -- the stress of wondering if you are going to be drunk or sober is doing me in.
3) I will be nicer to my children -- the pressures of living with an alcoholic makes me less patient with them. I yell.
4) The house will be neater -- I can't get motivated to clean if your lazy butt is sitting there doing NOTHING.
5) We will have more money. You will have to pay child support, I won't have to feed you, clothe you, buy you cigarettes or pay your bills.
6) The children will be happier -- yes, I know it's mean to say, but they will. They stress now when you are late and F**** says, "I know he's drunk mommy."
7) The dog will be happier -- when you are drunk, you are mean to the big goofy dog.
8) I might start liking myself again. I don't like the whimp I've become with you, or the grump I've become with my babies, or the slob I've become with my home. I've let myself and everything go. DEPRESSION sucks.

In other words, buddy. I don't need you. You may need me. But I DON'T need you. Actually, I don't think you need me -- right now all I think you need is the next high or the next buzz or the next drink.

You need help. I need help. But, evidently we can't help each other.

You help yourself, I'll help myself, I'll help our children, then one day when you are healed maybe you can help us.

Until then, help yourself OUT THE DAMN DOOR.

Sunday, October 22, 2006


  1. Drunk Thursday Night.
  2. Tried to Kill self Thursday Night.
  3. Didn't work all last week.
  4. Says he wasn't drunk but on pills.
  5. Says he took a handful of ritalin.
  6. Then says he took a handful of valium.
  7. I stuck my fingers down his throat and made him barf.
  8. Says he mugged a Mexican and stole the pills.
  9. Said he may have killed someone.
  10. Aggravating the children -- too much tickling, startling, making them laugh then cry.
  11. Wants to buy pot.
  12. Wants to drive to neighboring town.
  13. Doesn't understand why I don't want to have sex.
  14. I found 2 bottles of Ancient Age hidden under his Mustang in the yard.
  15. He says he threw them away this morning, but is acting agitated and moody.
  16. Has gone with a coworker and is going to move the truck out of the yard, FINALLY.
  17. Tries to act all tough in front of coworker -- Woman, this, Woman, that -- all he does is sound like an asshole.
  18. Acquaintances of my father see J**** in town and go and tell my parents all that they see and hear. "Oh the joys of living in a small town."
  19. All in all -- it is getting no better.
Me Update -
  1. Broke
  2. Tired
  3. Have been loggin into the online al-anon again and it was very timely - detachment - what a word, what a feat, I desire it.
  4. Am going to go to a face to face al-anon with a coworker on Tuesday during the lunch hour. I hope I can handle it.
  5. Kids had Fall Break last week and girls alternated days going to work with me -- that was real hard work.
  6. My Depression is working overtime.
  7. Will I ever get caught up?
  8. Yes, I want a divorce.
I should have been a blonde...Funny on me.

No offense to blondes. F**** and I stop at McDonald's to get some breakfast. I had been listening to radio a couple of weeks ago and they anounce that B&O railroad is the one needed for th $5,000,000. I believe them. F**** pulls the sticker off her hashbrown and we have B&O railroad. Guess what -- it is not the one needed for $5mil. but when that is what you have heard -- the first thing you do is go berserk. Called my sister, told her to check on the computer. I'm shaking. Well -- I'm not $5mil. richer, and I really think I should call that radio station and tell them what they did to me. Let's hope we get Short Line. Sort of embarrassing, but still a really cool feeling for one minute to say -- Hey, I can pay off this, and that and help so and so.

By the way -- my posts are farther between since I can't blog at work and if I am near the computer -- he stands over me watching everything that i do. It isn't worth the argument. So, my outlet is less and my stress is more. I had an ulcer once -- I think it is trying to come back.

Monday, October 16, 2006

My Dog Has Fleas...

Big Goofy Dog woke me up scratching. He has fleas.

G***** woke me up next -- "Mommy sleep with me." She is upstairs now coughing in her sleep.

J**** was up next, puking his guts out -- GOOD -- from a drunk he decided to tie on starting Saturday afternoon.

F**** & the Son are sleeping soundly.

I am blogging.
Yes, I am just as bamboozled as the rest of you. Why do I tolerate living with an alcoholic? Yes, I love him, but I am miserable.

He went to work Saturday morning and didn't return until after 10:00 pm. I knew he got off work around 2:00pm went to pool room. He tells me what he did the next day. Out to play poker, got drunk, came home, woke up the entire house and tormented us.

Me and 3 babies in one bed. Before, we go to sleep F**** says "Mommy, when Daddy comes home, pretend you are asleep and he'll leave you alone." "He's drunk Mommy." I didn't have to pretend, I fell asleep. I wake for a minute when I hear him come in, but drift right back off to sleep.

At 12:52 his drunken butt comes in the room and starts kissing his children. Awww how sweet. Yeah, it would have been if he wasn't stumbling over his own feet and causing a ruckus. He then decides, I'm going to lay in the bed too. It is only a full size bed, not a queen, not a king, just a simple little full size bed. Not room for 6'3" of arms and legs with the rest of us. He proceeds to use my neck as an elbow rest. I shove him off, it hurt. I politely ask him to go and get in one of the other beds and not wake his children.

Now it starts. He's going to kick my teeth in. "Go ahead, meet me downstairs and just try it." I'd kick his drunk butt. He smacks me on the butt, real hard. Wakes the son. "Come on woman, let me kick your teeth in." I say please do, so I've got something to go to the police with... F**** wakes up. J**** passes out. I take F**** and the son in other room. Ms. G***** sleeps through the whole thing.

Sunday, I remind him that the police have given us ten days to remove an old vehicle from the yard and tomorrow is the last day. Please clean it out and call your coworker who said he would move it to the shop. He keeps groping, pinching my breasts, pushing hands down my pants. I hit him really hard and tell him to leave me alone. He proclaims that I am mean!!! "Do it your damn self." He takes off walking at 11:23 a.m.

I do it my damn self. Clean all the junk out of the truck. I see a man up the street mowing a yard. Yell at him, how much to mow mine. The yard gets mowed, trimmed, and edged.

I see the police circling the neighborhood, and back comes J**** drunk again (after 1:30pm). Police are looking for drunken neighbor. Of course that is where J**** has been. He fusses because someone is mowing his yard. I remind him he told me to do it all my damn self and for him to go in the house and call the guy to come and get the truck. Truck is still there.

He spends rest of afternoon playing with girls in yard. Falling around drunk. Loses my cell phone twice in yard. Finally around 4:30 he passes out on the couch.

The children and I then roast hotdogs and marshmallows on our fire pit.

Can you believe that he has the audacity to call me mean? Isn't his neglect of his family what is mean?

Oooooh, why can't I cut him loose and tell him to "Do it your damn self?"

Oh yeah, we are struggling money wise and he gives his dad $120.00. Don't even get me started.

Thursday, October 05, 2006


Have you ever had one of those weeks that you just wanted to hide from everything?

Here's all the crap that is going on:
  1. I closed a bank account -- screwed up and overlooked a couple of bills that were Automatic Bank Draft -- they were returned and people treat you like you are scum for having a check return. You explain and apologize, are proactive and they are like sure... On top of that they hit you with fees -- thus rolling up the charges. When you are on less than a shoestring budget, well lets just say -- the shoe fell off.
  2. My mom was sick yesterday with a stomach virus-it started for her the night before, and yes -- I got it next. Am going to the doctor today because I feel as though I have been beaten with a two x four. Thought, I might get some stuff done for work and for here at the house. Nope. It hurts to move. With a 22 month old using you as a trampoline on top of that. I am quite weary. On top of that J**** had to work until dark, so I'm stuck with three wild young'ns and all I wanted was a break.
  3. Had to meet with the school counselor, teacher, and speech therapist for Ms. G***** today. She has pronunciation problems. S, sh, ch, f, l, sounds are difficult for her, aren't they for most five year olds. Anyway, she is going to undergo further testing and will begin therapy at school. The teacher said that when she talks she speaks very softly and holds her head down looking at the ground. But if you ask the child to sing, she is the loudest, clearest in the room. I believe the poor thing just has never had to talk that much because big sister says it all for her. G***** just can't get a word in edgewise.
  4. I ran out of checks. Do you know how inconvenient it is to not have any checks? School picture money is due tomorrow. I've got cash and will have my mother write the checks for the pictures.
  5. Dance class is tonight. I really don't want to set for 1 hour waiting on two little ballerinas. But, hey that's what mom's do.
  6. Candle order pick up is tomorrow. I hate being a PTO sales rep. Aren't all parents PTO sales reps? Well we pick up the candles tomorrow. Then I have to distribute them all. On top of that they schedule the pickup to coincide with the lovely fall festival -- so kids will want to stay, play, eat overpriced pizza and just wear me down. It will be fun. Really, it will.
  7. I feel guilty as hell for missing two days of work. But what am I supposed to do, Mom's sick, I'm sick. I have been checking in. But, the whiney one is left alone and she will duly punish me. Leave time is diminishing quickly. Oh how I want to be a stay-at-home mom. The things I could do--as the Fisher Price motto states: "Oh the Possibilities."
  8. I registered online with that David Ramsey program for making yourself debt free. I'm not real disciplined, we'll see how that goes. First thing it wants you to do is save $1,000. Wow, $1,000. "Oh, the Possibilities."
  9. Confession: I have been bad and stopped taking my Prozac about a month ago. Will confess to my doctor this afternoon and go back on the antidepressant. Maybe the overwhelmed feeling will go away.
  10. F**** had a field trip today. So I had to make her lunch. No drink. OMG I have nothing for her to take to drink. Thank goodness for neighbor with fifth grader. He gave me something for her to take to drink. The neighbors must think I'm nuts.
  11. Law was called on us for being too redneck. We have two junk cars in the yard. But, hey, they are NOT on concrete blocks. We have 10 days to get rid of one of them. I told him it would come to this.
Good and cute stuff:
  1. He's on his best behavior. I know it doesn't count for anything, but I'll take it when I can get it.
  2. I'm still working on getting organized. I have an evening itinerary to keep up with the time and the kids like the structure. Oddly, I allow them to play when they get home, then we have supper, then we sit down and have homework time -- which they enjoy. I clean up the kitchen while they do their homework or a semblance of homework (Kindergarten and First Grade). D***** even gets paper and crayon to join in the fun.
  3. F**** told me that Monday is Columbus Day. "That is a day when this man, I can't remember his name, was on this boat, and found this land." I explained the man's name was Columbus thus the name of the day. There were three boats, "The Nina, The Pinta, and the Santa Maria." Fun for her to say. Then I tried to teach her the rhyme I learned in second grade. "In 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue...." she stopped me. "Mommy, what is 1492?" I explained that was the year that he found the Americas. "When was that?" Over 500 years ago. "Mommy, were you there?" Enough said.
Well, hope ya'll are enjoying my new blogging style. Trying not to focus so much on him, but on our family, our needs, me and my needs.

Like I have said before, life's a ride and if he wants to be part of it, he needs to get on the bus.

Love ya'll.

Monday, October 02, 2006


So he's staying sober, if you consider drinking O'Doul's sober.
I don't consider it -- but hey I'll compromise on that one.

So he's working.
Cash Paid no steady hours seasonal at his bosses whim.

So he's offering his paycheck to help with the bills.
Then asks me to buy his cigarettes, O'Doul's, pot, poker buy-ins.

So he has watched the boy twice so I can take the girls to their activities.
Boy napped almost the whole time.
So, I'm tired of laundry, cleaning house, and picking up toys, shoes, cups, cans, papers, etc.
No one else seems to see the stuff just lying there.

So, I'm tired of asking him for help and hearing his childish grunts and huffing/puffing when he begrudgeonly helps.
Ummm, yeah it would be womans work but you need a man to do the man's work before that qualifies as a response.

So, I'm tired of whining from both children and him.
I have now developed an auditory filter that has disabled my hearing ability whenever someone uses the whiney voice.

So, I'm tired of my mother constantly telling me and ragging about that fact that he is of no help to you. I know, I know, quit "preaching to the choir."
I know she loves me, but tell him your problems with him, stop using me as a go between like your kids (me and brother) use you with their father.

So, I'm tired of getting up at 5:30 am and going to bed around midnight.
(Guess I need to go to bed earlier -- I'm shooting for 11 tonight.)

So, I'm tired of going to work everyday.
Once I get there it is fine -- I like my job -- it's just I'd much rather be a stay at home mom and be there full-time for the needs of my family.

So, I'm tired of paying bills and being broke.
Why can't I make ends meet. Here's my paycheck stub.
• Amounts

Gross Amount: $1,999.79
Deductions: $236.99
Taxes: $322.78
Net Amount: $1,440.02
Direct Deposit Checking: $1,440.02
Direct Deposit Saving: $0.00
Check: $0.00

So, I'm tired of dodging bill collectors calls because I forgot to change my bank account information with them.
I'll get it taken care of... get off my back. It's just a pain in the butt and I will get organized tonight.

So, I'm tired of being the only one to discipline my children, because he is way too harsh.
Stop yelling at them, talk to them, they are people.

So, I'm tired of being hated by my children because I am the only one who provides structure or discipline.
He let's them run amock unless they are bothering his agenda. I try to give them an agenda. So, I'm mean.

So, I'm tired of him staying on the computer all day and playing poker - a new addiction.
Believe me there are more important things in life, and he is never going to play in the WSOP. If he does, I'll gladly admit that I am wrong.

So, I'm tired of reminding him what is important in life.
That in 10 years, you are going to wish that you told her yes and carried her to bed instead of worrying about a $3 buyin and missing one hand of a poker game. Because in 10 years she won't want you to.

So, I'm tired of having to be his mother.
I know I was attracted by the fact that he is a mama's boy, but my goodness. Be needy with her not me.

So, I'm tired of taking care of everyone else, and no one (other than the codependent women in my family) wanting to take care of me.
You tend to let yourself go in these situations, I have started putting my makeup on again, I stopped for a long time. I'm still beautiful without it though.

So, I'm tired of being tired and grumpy and short with all around me.
This is usually caused by my being unhappy with my situation and the only one that can change that is ME.

So, I'm tired of him.
I just ignore him and let him exist in my presence - kind of like an unwanted houseguest. I really don't care what he does, just leave us alone and do your part.
So, what are his responsibilities?
Taking out the trash after being reminded.

So, what are his priorities?
Couldn't rightly say but they seem to revolve around his pleasures..

So, what does he care?
Can't say that he does because I've never "stuck to my guns."

So, what good is he to you?

So, what are the benefits of keeping him around?
Hmmm, sex, kill bugs, open jars, reach things on the top shelf, no leftovers.

So, what are you waiting for?
That's what I keep asking myself.

So, shut up and do something about it all.
OK - not in any particular order.
1) Organize my time.
2) Balance Checkbook and look into David Ramsey economics stuff.
3) Prioritize and involve children in my time.
4) Back to Al-Anon.
5) Lose the baby weight.
6) Redo my goals.
7) Call the Lawyer and ask if I have to start over.
8) Start exercising with the kids.
9) Look into e-lance work for evenings and weekends to get self back on feet financially.
10) Keep on blogging.