Saturday, December 30, 2006

Who Am I?

Ok -- I had a comment that said that I need to do a personal inventory of myself. Wow -- a summation of who I am? I have said lots about who I am in this blog, but never summed it up. I guess that one song might sum it up that is sung by Meredith Brooks:

I hate the world today
You're so good to me
I know but I can't change
Tried to tell you
But you look at me like maybe
I'm an angel underneath
Innocent and sweet
Yesterday I cried
Must have been relieved to see
The softer side
I can understand how you'd be so confused
I don't envy you
I'm a little bit of everything
All rolled into one

I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way
So take me as I am
This may mean
You'll have to be a stronger man
Rest assured that
When I start to make you nervous
And I'm going to extremes
Tomorrow I will change
And today won't mean a thing

Just when you think, you got me figured out
The season's already changing
I think it's cool, you do what you do
And don't try to save me

I'm a bitch, I'm a tease
I'm a goddess on my knees
When you hurt, when you suffer
I'm your angel undercover
I've been numb, I'm revived
Can't say I'm not alive
You know I wouldn't want it any other way

Hmmmmmmmmmmmm -- that's me tongue in cheek responses to questions about who I really am. A personal inventory -- it's scary Steve but thanks for getting me to thinking about it. Let me put it on paper first - but tongue in cheek aside -- a lot of the words to that song ring true.

Thanks for the advice.
Here's a blog post that touched me deeply. Go read Charmin' Just Charmin' he has two posts today in particular -- 1) Anniversary Pizza and 2) Forty three years ago.

Ain't they cute.

Thursday, December 28, 2006

End of Year - Hope 2007 is better for all

Good Things --

  • I have three healthy, smart, beautiful babies.
  • I quit smoking.
  • I've made lots of friends in blogland.
  • I'm sticking to my guns.
  • I've started following the Dave Ramsey plan.
  • My sister is my bestest friend.

Bad Things --

  • I've gained at least 13 pounds since I stopped smoking.
  • I'm in financial hell.
  • I'm still estranged & getting stranger.
  • My van is out of commission.

Things --

  • I've got a good job, with great bosses and coworkers, who tolerate me more than they should.
  • I've got a meddlesome mom and dad who love us very much.
  • I've got a meddlesome mother-in-law who loves her son very much.
  • Life is not all bad.

In retrospect.

Much of this year has been wasted by trying to fix an alcoholic. I've had to learn to live by the "three c's of al-anon you didn't cause it, you couldn't cure it, and you couldn't control it and the three a's awareness, acceptance, then action." For an adult child of an alcoholic who has felt that it was her job to take care of everyone and everything, these tenets are near impossible to put into effect in your life. I've wasted a lot of energy on him and I WILL NOT waste the New Year on these efforts. 2007 is for me and my three babies. I can look back and see things that I should have done with and for our children that have gone by the wayside because of the drama surrounding him.

The drama surrounding him -- wow, what a statement.

My niece brought him back home on December 13 (he had drank that morning) so I guess his sobriety date would be the 14th making today exactly 2 weeks clean AND sober. Still, the drama in our life surrounds him. I don't want him around, I don't want to huggy, kissy, lovey, dovey, I am divorcing him. He just can't get it through his mind. He says, I am going to FIGHT for this family. Well, show me then. But, I'm not fighting, I'm just doing what is best for me and the boy, and the girls. Two weeks, good for you -- but we've been there done that too many times over this past year. 2007 WILL be different. But, as I started this thought -- the drama surrounding him. It is still all about him. Me, me, me. "You don't hug me. You don't kiss me. Pay attention to me. Me. ME!!!" I've got three young children -- back off!!! But, "I don't have anywhere to go. What will I do? Who will take care of me? What will happen to me?" Phew. He wears me out.

His mother says I'm mean to him. I explained to her that sometimes you have to be mean, to be a bitch, to practice tough love, you have to act hard to protect your own heart and his. She understood, at least she said she did.

Yes, the last two weeks have been wonderful. I do see a difference in his attitude from the other times. This may do it for him. But, again, I can't gamble my children with a maybe. My coworker S**** doesn't understand how I can live with him. Believe me it is hard. Because he is Mr. Perfect, and Mr. Wonderful, the World's Greatest Dad -- it is hard. When he is on the sobriety wagon he is my dream man. But, my heart can't be broken again.

Damnit now I'm going to cry. I made it there -- I am bitter and hard hearted like my mother. Poop. I didn't want that to happen. Oh well, what is done is done.

2007 is going to be an uphill battle, financially, mentally, domestically. But we'll be alright. Mama is a tough ol' bird. But sometimes, Mama just wants to give up, run away, find someone to take care of her and take a nap.

That is going to be my resolution for 2007 -- More naps. Yep, more naps. Naps with my babies. Sounds like a start.

Let Go of the Past to Move into the Future

Pretty good article...

Sunday, December 24, 2006

New Jammies on Christmas Eve

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St Nicholas soon would be there.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads.
And mamma in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled our brains for a long winter’s nap.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tinny reindeer.

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St Nick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!

"Now Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! On, Cupid! on, on Donner and Blitzen!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!"

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky.
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of Toys, and St Nicholas too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St Nicholas came with a bound.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.
A bundle of Toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler, just opening his pack.

His eyes-how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow.

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook when he laughed, like a bowlful of jelly!

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself!
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings, then turned with a jerk.
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose!

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!"

Thank you Santa!!

Saturday, December 23, 2006

Merry Christmas

Friday, December 22, 2006

What Happened to Your Christmas Tree?

This is all J****'s fault you know...

A few weeks ago my SIS wrote in her blog a very happy post. This post was about how her SON surprised her one day after she had surgery and he and his wife came to visit just to help her put up her Christmas tree. She had a picture on her blog of this beautiful tree, and you could tell by the words she wrote that she had a great time and was excited about Christmas with her grandbabies.

But, today three days before Christmas, my SIS has taken down her Christmas tree.

Why? Because of a post on my blog from way back in September. Not sure how it all came about, I think when the law made J**** leave, he had someone look up the blog, that someone told someone it existed and then (why the long wait until it is brought up?) 11 days later it is finally an issue. So, someone was well meddlin' don't ya think?

Now my blog is no longer anonymous. I could do like SIS and delete this blog, but this blog has made me the strong person that I am and has enabled me to make it as far as I have gotten with resolving my issues with my marriage.

So -- since the post was written to my SIS' family and they have now read the post, it has served its purpose and I will delete it. However, it was seen by them three months after the fact and out of context and doubtful that they remember the issues that led up to why I was so angry at them? Honestly and regretably, I had forgotten about writing it.

Also, being 3 months later, I would have said things differently, because in some ways they have made a lot of progress. Plus, I have found out things that I didn't know back then, because we all know there are two sides to every story. And, strangely enough, I am a little saner and not as angry.

So, at the end of this stressful year for us all -- let's review the last three months brought on by the unfortunate reading of the post but it's all good...

A***** and her family have moved. She's about the same.

R***** her husband has made wonderful progress he has sought out professional help with his addiction to pain pills (prescription at that) and through a lot of work seems to be overcoming this problem. He has held a good factory job for a couple of months now and is working at being the provider that I asked him to be in my previous post. I am proud of him and it is hard to dig yourself out of a deep hole. Yes, I was angry at him in September but I had recently been to his house and watched him roll his eyes at a respiratory therapist, spend his paycheck on pills, and expect his sick wife to be able to take care of three kids while he slept in until noon. I think he can see why I was mad at that time.

Y***** has given me her side of the story in this past three months and well, ya know what, she just may be the one keeping that family together, either way, she's damned if she's does and she's damned if she doesn't.

M****** I worry about deeply, he has had so much happen to him that I'm afraid he's going to snap. Yes, I want to piss him off, I want him to come over here yelling and screaming at me, I want to grab him by his shiny bald head and just cry with him. I want to tell him NayNay loves you and wants you to talk to her. I hope I made you mad, now let it out and let me have it -- quit bottling it all up damn it.

So, anyway, I hope to see all of you at Christmas. I didn't buy anyone a gift. But, everything happens for a purpose -- yep, truth hurts sometimes. But, reflect on then versus now and see how you've grown.

It's all good.

Get over it and whoever started this mess, SHAME ON YOU.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

It's a Little Too Late...

The Holiday's are upon us. Life is well, hectic. Here's the nitty gritty.

Shopping is done. Hooray. J**** and I got that done on Saturday. We even did Mama's shopping for her.

D***** and J**** and I have the flu. My fever is gone so I am back to work. I feel like crap. I told the doctor to just give me the shot they give animals to put them down. I feel that bad. I feel as though I've been beaten with a two by four. F**** went to school this morning but was complaining that she was starting to feel poorly. Please God, don't let her catch it. We just need to make it until Tuesday. Shoo flu Shoo.

J**** is the perfect husband. I really appreciate it and all. He's let me rest, woke me up to give me my medicine. He's taken care of the girls when they get off of the bus. Done their homework with them. Changed the boy's poopy butt. Everything he's supposed to do. Been very patient and loving. Not punished them for his withdrawals, which I know he's experiencing because I see the shakes and cold sweats.

But, I am not falling for it. I can't do it. There's a country song. It never fails, there is always an appropriate heart breaking song. Isn't there?

Mark Chestnut sings this song...

Well, early this morning it dawned on me
the kind of man she needed me to be
she made a list and laid it there beside me on the bed
now what I should-a done keeps running through my head

Oh I should-a done this and I should-a done that
I should-a been there then she'd-a never left
I should-a been hangin' on every word she ever had to say
but it's a little too late she's a little too gone
she's a little too right I'm a little too wrong
now would be a good time to change
but it's a little too late.

Don't get me wrong, I do appreciate the things that he is doing. He is being the World's Greatest Dad right now and it is NOT tongue in cheek when I say that, and yes, I am being Super Bitch. Why? Because, he needs to just go on and go. How else do you make someone go who won't, but keep pushing? It's for his own good. It's for my own good. It's all Good.
My brother, the SON is on his way home from Florida today. So Mama is happy.

Sis is blah and says, BAH HUMBUG.

D***** says Ho, Ho.

Saturday, December 16, 2006

The Alcoholic Charmer

Look at those eyes...

The body language...

Poor little lost soul....

"Save me...

I've been bad, I know, I'm sorry....


I've seen the light, I'll never do it again.

Really babe, just hold me, help me, no one else can.

I'm sick, I need help, " and on, and on, and on, ....

I took this picture two years ago after a night of extreme crazy shit. I was pregnant he was having a good ol' time. See that pitiful, day after, I'm sorry, look in his eyes. Yep, that's what he has looked like since the Niece brought him home.

But, I'm hanging tough. Gonna break this cycle, gonna break these chains.

This time it is just "hug me baby, kiss me, show me some affection, I just need love." Again, in front of the kids so they see Daddy all loving and kind and Mama is the one pushing Daddy away being aggressive and mean. He ain't as dumb as he looks.

Two years ago the promises didn't hold true. Two months ago the promises didn't hold true. Two weeks ago the promises didn't hold true. Now what makes him think that the promises from two days ago are going to hold true. "Fool me once shame on you, Fool me twice shame on me, Damn, I'm a fool."

Other items:
  • Everyone knows that I have contacted the attorney and said "Git-R-Done! "
  • Mother-in-law is being his mother as it should be and looking out for his best interests.
  • My mother is being overprotective of her grand-babies.
  • Sis is sitting back and being quiet and just waiting for me when I need her. She's cool. She knows.
  • Christmas is going to be awkward.
He's helping with homework, he's getting them ready for bed, he took out the trash, he picked up the toys, he unloaded the dishwasher, he's been loving and kind and helpful.

And, he's let me know that he has done these things. When I went to BHO (my counselor) she talked about him always needing the "pat on the back." Well, these things should be done because they are responsibilities not because you want or need praise.

One time he did break from his charm and get aggravated and sound like the old J**** and yell.

I guess for the last couple of days these words ring true:
Yep -- World's Best Dad!!!
Yes, I have been a BITCH. No ifs ands or buts about it. Major league, extreme bitch. I wonder why?

I've done the things that I am responsible for, that I am expected to do. I've taken the kids to their functions and started Christmas shopping.

But, just dealing with the alcoholic charm is making me a mean ol' BITCH. By the way, the poor, poor, pitiful me thing is very unmasculine.

And to give credit where credit is due -- where this is a very unhealthy situation, going through a divorce and still being under the same roof -- I yelled at the kids and it too was unwarranted. Shame on me.
Here's something I found when I Googled Alcoholic Charmer == I should have known there'd be a drink with the same name.:

4 cl Scotch whisky
1 cl Blue Curacao liqueur
1 dash dry vermouth
1 dash orange bitters

Shake ingredients with crushed ice. Strain into cocktail glass.

Serve in: Cocktail Glass

37.0% (74 proof)
122 calories
2.80 carbohydrates

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Vote for My Picture Please...

I know -- I'm odd, hence the name of the blog "Estranged & Getting Stranger."

This is one of those strange things...

I was perusing the net and thought I might do something cool on Shutterfly for Grandma and saw they were having a photo contest. Well the best and most appropriate picture for the topic is one of J**** and the young'ns when we took our Christmas pic and he was reading to them.

So -- if you are so inclined... click on the link and vote for me.


Click here to vote.

No updates on anything -- I'm just so mentally exhausted and tired of all the crap that I am vegging doing stuff that enables me not to think about it tonight.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Occupied by the Enemy

Well when the cops made him leave he went to E&A's house. They couldn't stand him and called the niece. The niece as big a codependent as her aunt picked him up and kept him until today after lunch. He told her to take him home, to get clothes and for D*****'s birthday. He reminded me that legally I can't make him leave. So he's here.

Since he goes to court on Monday, I'm seriously contemplating packing my and the kids clothes and going to stay with Sis until he is gone. I was so happy yesterday -- I'm miserable today.

BUT -- Don''t fear, I'm sticking to my guns and not sugar coating it with him. Laid it on the line all day long. NO CHANCE.

He's here on his son's birthday. But if he isn't laying in the bed he's trying to charm me, hug me, plead with me. Pay attention to your kids!!! I had to yell at him to come down the stairs each time we were doing something with the children.

No present for the boy. He knew Mama would take care of it.

Yep -- World's Best Dad!!!

Here's what a BITCH does with World's Best Dad around... motivation.

I need to do a lot. I worked today, shipped an eBay sale. Had a small birthday party, folded a load of clothes, now I've sat down and given up for the day.

Have homework to do with F**** and then bedtime. Maybe then I can get motivated to do something. But probably wiser to just go to bed to avoid him.

Credit where it is due: I found the Super Bitch Logo on a T-shirt that I will buy (when I have the money) on cafepress. Click here to see the T-shirts.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Independence Day

Martina McBride sings a song that I love...

original designs by JGoode at


Long story short --

1) The Police made him leave last night.
2) We go to divorce court on January 11, 2007. (He turns 30 on this day.)
3) He has spent the little money that he saved for his fine on alcohol and cigarettes.

Starting tonight -- I will begin a new feature:

First night away from his kids. Three beautiful kids. Any phone calls? NO. He has a cell phone, it works, he's been talking to other people. Did he call to wish them good night and ask about their day? NO. I miss you and I'm sorry? NO.

He took his $100 bill with him has he bought his son a birthday present for tomorrow? NOPE - - beer and cigarettes.

Yep -- World's Best Dad!!!

Here's what a BITCH does without World's Best Dad around... Takes care of three kids, keeps them home from school to explain and show extra attention due to the change to come in their life. Three baths, cleans house, laundry 4 loads, makes the boy a birthday cake (devil's food with cream cheese icing), and assembles one bad-ass batman pedal car for the boy's birthday. Yep -- that's what he calls me and that's what I am -- Being In Total Control of Herself.

Monday, December 11, 2006

The Only Way I Can Get You to Listen...

J**** --

Everytime I try to talk to you, you will not listen, you huff and puff, say whatever, etc.

But, you will read my blog. You say that I make you out to be a horrible person and that everyone hates you. You read the comments and say -- "These people don't know me." Well, they are on the outside looking in, and they are more objective than you or I -- who live inside the situation can be. You are not a horrible person, but you are not being a good man.

Our lives is like watching one of those bad Oxygen Channel movies.

So - I'm going to talk to you here -- because this is the only way that you will listen.

I am unhappy. The children are tense. Everything is going to hell in a handcart and fast. I started the divorce proceedings way back in the Spring and never had the guts to finish it, always hoped this would make you see the light, make you step up and be a man, get a good job, sacrifice all drugs and alcohol for me and your babies. But NO. It is still ALL about you.

(My SIS has a post on her blog about sociopaths -- you reckon that she is wanting me to read that. Sorry, Sis, but J**** and I are both sociopaths according to the test, I'm just worst -- a codependent sociopath. Real Scary Huh.)

But either way, it is not about you or me it is about F****, G*****, and D*****. So whether you go to jail or not is up to you, not me or anyone else. I as always will make certain our babies have a nice Christmas. I will NOT pay your fine.

I also will no longer waste the money that my Mama and Daddy gave me for the attorney. It is time that we put a stop to this misery. You are miserable, I am miserable. I can no longer take care of four people, you should be helping me take care of them, and we should be taking care of each other.

I know you have no where to go, but I also know that you are resourceful and will find someplace.

It is time to for you to go. I want you to go, I want a divorce.

Honestly, I do this will all sorts of love in my heart.


Saturday, December 09, 2006

My Post on Dave Ramsey Forum...

This is a post that I put on a forum for the Dave Ramsey Community in which I am a subscriber. These folks help with budget and personal dilemnas -- a sounding board like you my blog friends. Here's what I posted and some of the responses. At the end I'll tell you my favorite...

I've posted our budget on here before...

Well it's been Murphy's year. Mainly because I haven't been strong enough to tell DH to step up and be a real man.

1) I suffer from depression real bad - which tends to lead me down the road of denial and ahhhh -- it'll get taken care of later. Which partly explains my ability to procrastinate and then work wonders under pressure. (Hmmmm a new insight on myself -- cool.)

2) He's an alcoholic

3) He got a DUI with a fine of $818.00 - He paid $300 on the fine in September and on the 18th of December the rest is due. We had put aside $300 and had been saving from HIS paycheck NOT mine $50 a week - which would have put him on course for having the money to pay his fine.

4) He got hurt at work -- so he says. Blew out his knee - no insurance, working for cash so boss just "lets him go" with excuses like oh work is slow, waiting on such and such contractor etc....

5) He has no license and is 29 years old with that entitlement mindset.

Anyway to make a long story short -- we were rolling downhill like a snowball headed for he** (got to love Merle).

Ended up with checks posting to overdraft protection (ODP), then Mortgage hits bank and my paycheck just covers that, rest of automatic payments, ODP grabbed before I could stop them. $27.50 a pop. I have stopped my direct deposit - and will close the accounts and work with the bank to make up for the ODP charges. We had to use $200 of his saved fine money for food, necessities leaving $100 for fine.

Anyway --

3 small kids -- not one Christmas Present purchased, ages 6,5, and 2 (they still believe in Santa). They are kids and they will have Santa.

After I pay for the necessities -- I have enough left to pay a large chunk on his fine. Plus his $100.

The Clerk's office said the judge was in the holiday spirit and would see that as effort and not send to jail. Else -- he goes to jail, directly to jail, do not pass go...on the day of "show cause" for not paying his fine.

Do I save his butt so his kids can have Christmas with him or do I let him go to jail and sit for 20 or more days?

On a personal level (for myself) I want him to go to jail to teach him a lesson - he's sat on his butt and done very little around the house for 5-6 weeks. I suggested (after knee was better) to walk around neighborhood and offer to clean out gutters (10 houses at $50 a pop would have paid his fine). aaaaarrrrgggggggghhhhhhhh

But, my babies would be very unhappy if Daddy was in jail on Christmas.

In Al-anon we are taught to not enable... so what does a girl do?

Merry Christmas.
Whoooo, thats a tough call. I can't go into DR mode, and say what would I would do in your shoes, because I've never been in that position, but here is my opinion.

I think the root here is the "entitlement" attitude. You say he has no license - driving license I assume? If so, threaten him that the next time he steps into the driving seat of a car, you will call the police. Next, tell him that if he drinks again, you will break his face. Thirdly, tell him that if he hasn't earned $100 by Tuesday, you will personally escort him to the jail and wave bye-bye for Christmas. I once got depressed and struck my wife, and the shame of it (and her reaction - I slept in the outhouse in January) woke me up to my problem.

I fully understand that you don't want the children to miss their Daddy over Christmas: I can tell you, that if he doesn't haul his sorry ***** out of this mess he has created, they will miss far more than that. His fine is HIS FINE. He has GOT to sort it out, and if you allow him to lean on you again to help him out, he will never learn.

Let me put it another way. If your 6 yr old drops a dish, do you ask him to (help) clean it up, or do you just do it for him whilst he stands there looking sheepish?
Both my parents are alcoholics, and I spent some time in Al-Anon too, before completely cutting off my relationship with my mother----and my dad doesn't make an effort to have a relationship, so it wasn't really necessary with him. I just say that so you know where I'm coming from, and you can "take what you like and leave the rest."

YOU are the one who used the word "enable" and I'm really glad that YOU see it that way. You don't have to have your sponsor or someone else say, "Ohmigosh, you'll be enabling him." it sounds like you understand that there will be consequences to your decision either way. Since you know that, I would just encourage you to make the best decision for your family. You already know that you can't 1) stop him from drinking 2) make him suddenly become responsible 3) pretend that his behavior is normal or acceptable to you.

You also know that he's making excuses, and you're smart enough to see right through them. That's A HUGE step!!!

So here's my question to you: Have you prayed about it? Either decision will affect you and your children, but only God knows the outcome either way. I'm consistently amazed at how, when I follow "the steps" God shows up and guides my thinking. In fact, if I hadn't followed the steps at one particular time, I doubt me and DH would have gotten married. My thinking can be so warped by my experiences with the alcoholics in my life, that if I don't ask Him to renew my mind, I know I'll make bad decisions. Knee-jerk reacting to crises is definately a problem with me, and it pops up from time to time.
I am SO sorry you're going through this! I know your kids will miss him at Christmas (mine will miss theirs at Christmas, too, but he's in Iraq), but it's a choice HE made to be away from them, plain and simple. You can take the kids to see daddy in jail on fact, I would definitely do that. Perhaps that will be the wakeup call your DH needs. I would not, under any circumstances, pay his fine. I would take some of that money and buy Santa for the kids, and use the rest to pay necessities. If he's not gonna take care of the family, you have to, so you can't afford to be fixing his screwups. Good luck, I know it's a hard decision, and I'll pray you make the right one. ===============================================

Coming from a family full of drug addicts and alcoholics (all but one are sober), I would say let him sit in jail. Fact is, your husband hasn't hit rock-bottom yet. He has an entitlement complex, so chances are, your husband probably thinks "Ahh, I won't worry about it, the wife will get me out of this mess, she loves me, and besides, it's Christmas!"

Sometimes what we have to do with the ones we love is let them fall flat on their faces and let THEM rebuild themselves. He is not going to stop this behavior until he wants to, so all you can do is basically give him a firm shove in the right direction.

Here's what I would do. Hand the DH his $100.00, and send him off to the courthouse to see the judge. If the judge sentences him to jail, so be it! Fact is, this is HIS problem, not yours. You are not the one that chose to get behind the wheel of a car and drive while intoxicated, so honestly, why should you pay the fine? I understand that he's your husband, and you love him, but love only goes so far with an addict/alcoholic.

Yes, it will be hard for the kids if daddy isn't there for Christmas. Like leighboe said, take the kids to go see him on Christmas Day, maybe that will wake him up to the real issue at hand. If your kids ask where daddy is, say "Daddy did something bad, and he's in time out." Kids can understand that.

I hope you can get through this, it's not an easy situation by any means. Many prayers from me to you.

I'm with Leigh. He chose to spend Christmas in jail when he refused to get off his butt and do something about the situation.

I'd be taking that money and giving my children a Christmas first. Sure, they'll miss dad if he isn't there on Christmas day, but lots of kids won't see their dads that day, and they'll live through it. But young as they are, I think it would hurt worse if Santa skipped your house because their dad is a jerk.

I think you are right in wanting him to suffer the consequences of his actions. As long as people bail him out, he has no reason to change. Sit him down tonight and explain it very calmly. What money is left after bills is buying Christmas for the kids first. He has one week to get off his duff and find a way to bring in some money. If he doesn't, he should bring his toothbrush to court, because you will not let the kids go without to keep him out of jail. He made the decision to go there when he refused to go find work. And the kids should not have to pay for his selfishness. Period. End of discussion. Time to man up.
My heart and prayers go out for you,I really have a problem with males who refuse to be MEN. They make the rest of us look bad. At least you didnt mention abuse,that would have made him completely useless in my book. I agree with the rest ,let his butt sit in jail for Christmas and if he gets out only to go back to his old ways you need to really get tough with him. As a man I have no sympathy for him or anyone else that refuses to grow up and take responsibility.

I bolded my two favorites: What right do I or him have to complain about our children being away from him on Christmas when there are fathers away from their children tonight, Christmas, Birthdays, etc... fighting a war in Iraq (24 hours a day) to protect his sorry way of life. His do nothing, self-serving, way of life. Yep - ya'll it is his problem.

Sometimes we all need to step back and take a look at the big picture and see that our problems are not as big as we think...

We will have a Merry Christmas either way.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Merry Christmas from Our Little Family

Ain't we cute. Up front is D***** he will be 2 on the 13th. Left to right is F****, then J****, and Ms. G*****, and in the back is me. We will be sending this picture in our Christmas Cards this year.

It was a fun evening project to take this picture. It is the first time we have used the timer on the digital camera. Below are the test shots...

1) J***** and the young'ns reading "The Night Before Christmas" so I can position the camera.

2) I figure out how the timer works -- but D***** had to see what Mommy was doing. Why in the world did she run behind us quickly?

3) Oops -- Didn't do the timer thingy right.

Hope ya'll have a happy holiday season.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

One of them Quizzes

J**** took the quiz first -- Devil
Then I took the quiz - Empress

Who'd a thunk. I laughed and laughed and laughed

You are The Devil

Materiality. Material Force. Material temptation; sometimes obsession

The Devil is often a great card for business success; hard work and ambition.

Perhaps the most misunderstood of all the major arcana, the Devil is not really "Satan" at all, but Pan the half-goat nature god and/or Dionysius. These are gods of pleasure and abandon, of wild behavior and unbridled desires. This is a card about ambitions; it is also synonymous with temptation and addiction. On the flip side, however, the card can be a warning to someone who is too restrained, someone who never allows themselves to get passionate or messy or wild - or ambitious. This, too, is a form of enslavement. As a person, the Devil can stand for a man of money or erotic power, aggressive, controlling, or just persuasive. This is not to say a bad man, but certainly a powerful man who is hard to resist. The important thing is to remember that any chain is freely worn. In most cases, you are enslaved only because you allow it.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

You are The Empress

Beauty, happiness, pleasure, success, luxury, dissipation.

The Empress is associated with Venus, the feminine planet, so it represents,
beauty, charm, pleasure, luxury, and delight. You may be good at home
decorating, art or anything to do with making things beautiful.

The Empress is a creator, be it creation of life, of romance, of art or business. While the Magician is the primal spark, the idea made real, and the High Priestess is the one who gives the idea a form, the Empress is the womb where it gestates and grows till it is ready to be born. This is why her symbol is Venus, goddess of beautiful things as well as love. Even so, the Empress is more Demeter, goddess of abundance, then sensual Venus. She is the giver of Earthly gifts, yet at the same time, she can, in anger withhold, as Demeter did when her daughter, Persephone, was kidnapped. In fury and grief, she kept the Earth barren till her child was returned to her.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Sunday, December 03, 2006

A Child's Prayer

Just to let ya'll know how hard this sort of thing is...

G***** said grace at supper tonight and the last thing she said before her amen was... "God, make my Mommy and Daddy stop fighting, please."

Now you feel my angst.

Maybe it's like Garth Brooks song -- "Unanswered Prayers".


Keep Your Hands to Yourself...

Mama even made the comment today when I told her he was being Mr. Lovey Dovey -- they are always charmers the next day.


I even told him -- you make my skin crawl. He just doesn't get it. Yes, I will always love him. He is the father of my children, but...

I really don't want to kiss him.
I really don't want to hug him.
I really don't want him to fondle my breasts or grab my buttocks.

I REALLY don't want him here!

Forcing himself upon me is NOT endearing. He does not respect me as an individual. His daughters watch him grab at me and hear me telling him no -- he does not stop. They get the impression that it is okay for a man to violate a woman when she says NO.

No means no even if we are still married. It is my body. I don't want to be touched.

I have told him "I am done." He won't accept it.

I understand that...I have prolonged this, and he has never had to be accountable for himself before.

Oh well. Going to bed now.
Fun stuff:
We put up the Christmas Tree today. The look of amazement in D*****'s eyes was priceless.

Saturday, December 02, 2006

Just Go Already!!!

Told J**** yesterday that he needed to go that he is of no use to me. I wasn't nice about it. I told him to get a job, stop drinking, be there for his family. I was at work -- he was gone most of the day and I get home he arrives a few minutes after. He has been drinking. Has a beer stuffed in his pocket. It starts.

1st Time:
He tells the girls -- "your mama hates me and wants me to leave we can't be a family." Gets them upset, crying, etc. "Don't go Daddy, Don't Go." "I don't want my Daddy to go." After a bit of this drama he goes out the door. I go outside to get some stuff out of the van and he is huddled beside of the house (it is 35 degrees outside). I just shake my head. Geesh.

2nd Time:
Same stuff blaming mama for him leaving. "Mama isn't happy, mama hates me, mama wants Daddy to go, your mama doesn't love me anymore." He looks at me and says all you are going to do is lie to them. He is rough with me. His Mama (bless her heart) calls me while all of this is going on. I have pretty much been ignoring him - hoping he will lose interest. His Mama hears him ranting and acting like a dork. She wants to speak to him. Of course, she yells at him and makes him more angry. He leaves again. The girls go to the front door and are crying after him. I watch with them. He never comes around front. I look at them and explain that Daddy is playing a game. That he is not leaving tonight. He is just hurting Mama by hurting you two. We walk around the house and the ass is under the house (our crawlspace is large). F**** just shakes her head.

3rd Time - Part 1:
He comes back in the house, screaming at me to pack his stuff. Getting rougher, etc. I say no and tell him to calm down. I tell him I know that he doesn't intend to leave, so just go to bed. Threatening looks, gestures. Tells me I'm a bitch and no wonder my ex-husband beat me. I told him to go ahead and lower himself to the ex's level and give me an excuse to kick your ass. I feed the children he goes downstairs to "leave." He falls down the stairs says he rehurt his knee. F**** and G***** get up from the dining room table to baby their Daddy. I just sit there holding my head in my hands, going "Oh my goodness."

3rd Time Part 2:
Raving lunatic. Get my shoes!!!! Pack my stuff!!!!! Get my coat!!!!!!!! Call the law and I'll tell them you pushed me down the stairs. Blah, blah, blah. I turn on TV, G***** lays down on couch (my loner), D***** and F**** get in my lap. We watch TV and ignore him. I think he left for about 45 minutes.

He came back -- gave me that stupid eye cocked brow wrinkled look and whispered. Yeah, you won't live till the morning.

I put the babies to bed he passed out. Maybe he is right -- I hate him, that is a sin.

What I did yesterday:

1) Worked on finances
2) Bought groceries using my mom's debit card (thank God for them.)
3) Price compared windstream, bellsouth, and time warner. Will probably go with Windstream for phone and DSL and turn off Cable altogether. You can get free movies at the library.
4) Edited the separation agreement to take to my attorney.

Thursday - my Sis's post

I had to work technology at a conference - my day went from 6:30 am to 6:30 pm. J**** had to get girls on bus and be responsible for children from bus arrival until I came home. He got drunk. My mom kept D***** and my Sis came over to watch the girls. He aggravated the kids and groped my sister (she has big boobs.)

Hopefully he will leave today. That is the plan.