My Post on Dave Ramsey Forum...

This is a post that I put on a forum for the Dave Ramsey Community in which I am a subscriber. These folks help with budget and personal dilemnas -- a sounding board like you my blog friends. Here's what I posted and some of the responses. At the end I'll tell you my favorite...

I've posted our budget on here before...

Well it's been Murphy's year. Mainly because I haven't been strong enough to tell DH to step up and be a real man.

1) I suffer from depression real bad - which tends to lead me down the road of denial and ahhhh -- it'll get taken care of later. Which partly explains my ability to procrastinate and then work wonders under pressure. (Hmmmm a new insight on myself -- cool.)

2) He's an alcoholic

3) He got a DUI with a fine of $818.00 - He paid $300 on the fine in September and on the 18th of December the rest is due. We had put aside $300 and had been saving from HIS paycheck NOT mine $50 a week - which would have put him on course for having the money to pay his fine.

4) He got hurt at work -- so he says. Blew out his knee - no insurance, working for cash so boss just "lets him go" with excuses like oh work is slow, waiting on such and such contractor etc....

5) He has no license and is 29 years old with that entitlement mindset.

Anyway to make a long story short -- we were rolling downhill like a snowball headed for he** (got to love Merle).

Ended up with checks posting to overdraft protection (ODP), then Mortgage hits bank and my paycheck just covers that, rest of automatic payments, ODP grabbed before I could stop them. $27.50 a pop. I have stopped my direct deposit - and will close the accounts and work with the bank to make up for the ODP charges. We had to use $200 of his saved fine money for food, necessities leaving $100 for fine.

Anyway --

3 small kids -- not one Christmas Present purchased, ages 6,5, and 2 (they still believe in Santa). They are kids and they will have Santa.

After I pay for the necessities -- I have enough left to pay a large chunk on his fine. Plus his $100.

Dilemna:
The Clerk's office said the judge was in the holiday spirit and would see that as effort and not send to jail. Else -- he goes to jail, directly to jail, do not pass go...on the day of "show cause" for not paying his fine.

Do I save his butt so his kids can have Christmas with him or do I let him go to jail and sit for 20 or more days?

On a personal level (for myself) I want him to go to jail to teach him a lesson - he's sat on his butt and done very little around the house for 5-6 weeks. I suggested (after knee was better) to walk around neighborhood and offer to clean out gutters (10 houses at $50 a pop would have paid his fine). aaaaarrrrgggggggghhhhhhhh

But, my babies would be very unhappy if Daddy was in jail on Christmas.

In Al-anon we are taught to not enable... so what does a girl do?

Merry Christmas.
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Whoooo, thats a tough call. I can't go into DR mode, and say what would I would do in your shoes, because I've never been in that position, but here is my opinion.

I think the root here is the "entitlement" attitude. You say he has no license - driving license I assume? If so, threaten him that the next time he steps into the driving seat of a car, you will call the police. Next, tell him that if he drinks again, you will break his face. Thirdly, tell him that if he hasn't earned $100 by Tuesday, you will personally escort him to the jail and wave bye-bye for Christmas. I once got depressed and struck my wife, and the shame of it (and her reaction - I slept in the outhouse in January) woke me up to my problem.

I fully understand that you don't want the children to miss their Daddy over Christmas: I can tell you, that if he doesn't haul his sorry ***** out of this mess he has created, they will miss far more than that. His fine is HIS FINE. He has GOT to sort it out, and if you allow him to lean on you again to help him out, he will never learn.

Let me put it another way. If your 6 yr old drops a dish, do you ask him to (help) clean it up, or do you just do it for him whilst he stands there looking sheepish?
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Both my parents are alcoholics, and I spent some time in Al-Anon too, before completely cutting off my relationship with my mother----and my dad doesn't make an effort to have a relationship, so it wasn't really necessary with him. I just say that so you know where I'm coming from, and you can "take what you like and leave the rest."

YOU are the one who used the word "enable" and I'm really glad that YOU see it that way. You don't have to have your sponsor or someone else say, "Ohmigosh, you'll be enabling him." it sounds like you understand that there will be consequences to your decision either way. Since you know that, I would just encourage you to make the best decision for your family. You already know that you can't 1) stop him from drinking 2) make him suddenly become responsible 3) pretend that his behavior is normal or acceptable to you.

You also know that he's making excuses, and you're smart enough to see right through them. That's A HUGE step!!!

So here's my question to you: Have you prayed about it? Either decision will affect you and your children, but only God knows the outcome either way. I'm consistently amazed at how, when I follow "the steps" God shows up and guides my thinking. In fact, if I hadn't followed the steps at one particular time, I doubt me and DH would have gotten married. My thinking can be so warped by my experiences with the alcoholics in my life, that if I don't ask Him to renew my mind, I know I'll make bad decisions. Knee-jerk reacting to crises is definately a problem with me, and it pops up from time to time.
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I am SO sorry you're going through this! I know your kids will miss him at Christmas (mine will miss theirs at Christmas, too, but he's in Iraq), but it's a choice HE made to be away from them, plain and simple. You can take the kids to see daddy in jail on Christmas...in fact, I would definitely do that. Perhaps that will be the wakeup call your DH needs. I would not, under any circumstances, pay his fine. I would take some of that money and buy Santa for the kids, and use the rest to pay necessities. If he's not gonna take care of the family, you have to, so you can't afford to be fixing his screwups. Good luck, I know it's a hard decision, and I'll pray you make the right one. ===============================================
Yikes...

Coming from a family full of drug addicts and alcoholics (all but one are sober), I would say let him sit in jail. Fact is, your husband hasn't hit rock-bottom yet. He has an entitlement complex, so chances are, your husband probably thinks "Ahh, I won't worry about it, the wife will get me out of this mess, she loves me, and besides, it's Christmas!"

Sometimes what we have to do with the ones we love is let them fall flat on their faces and let THEM rebuild themselves. He is not going to stop this behavior until he wants to, so all you can do is basically give him a firm shove in the right direction.

Here's what I would do. Hand the DH his $100.00, and send him off to the courthouse to see the judge. If the judge sentences him to jail, so be it! Fact is, this is HIS problem, not yours. You are not the one that chose to get behind the wheel of a car and drive while intoxicated, so honestly, why should you pay the fine? I understand that he's your husband, and you love him, but love only goes so far with an addict/alcoholic.

Yes, it will be hard for the kids if daddy isn't there for Christmas. Like leighboe said, take the kids to go see him on Christmas Day, maybe that will wake him up to the real issue at hand. If your kids ask where daddy is, say "Daddy did something bad, and he's in time out." Kids can understand that.

I hope you can get through this, it's not an easy situation by any means. Many prayers from me to you.
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I'm with Leigh. He chose to spend Christmas in jail when he refused to get off his butt and do something about the situation.

I'd be taking that money and giving my children a Christmas first. Sure, they'll miss dad if he isn't there on Christmas day, but lots of kids won't see their dads that day, and they'll live through it. But young as they are, I think it would hurt worse if Santa skipped your house because their dad is a jerk.

I think you are right in wanting him to suffer the consequences of his actions. As long as people bail him out, he has no reason to change. Sit him down tonight and explain it very calmly. What money is left after bills is buying Christmas for the kids first. He has one week to get off his duff and find a way to bring in some money. If he doesn't, he should bring his toothbrush to court, because you will not let the kids go without to keep him out of jail. He made the decision to go there when he refused to go find work. And the kids should not have to pay for his selfishness. Period. End of discussion. Time to man up.
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My heart and prayers go out for you,I really have a problem with males who refuse to be MEN. They make the rest of us look bad. At least you didnt mention abuse,that would have made him completely useless in my book. I agree with the rest ,let his butt sit in jail for Christmas and if he gets out only to go back to his old ways you need to really get tough with him. As a man I have no sympathy for him or anyone else that refuses to grow up and take responsibility.

I bolded my two favorites: What right do I or him have to complain about our children being away from him on Christmas when there are fathers away from their children tonight, Christmas, Birthdays, etc... fighting a war in Iraq (24 hours a day) to protect his sorry way of life. His do nothing, self-serving, way of life. Yep - ya'll it is his problem.

Sometimes we all need to step back and take a look at the big picture and see that our problems are not as big as we think...

We will have a Merry Christmas either way.