Monday, April 30, 2007
Texas Hold'em Poker!!!
I can handle this addiction, because he does it in moderation and he's pretty darned good.
Saturday night he played a tournament sponsored by the local Catholic church. The game had a $50 buy in, and you could add on chips at break time for another $50. 169 people registered for the tournament and he made the final table finishing in seventh place. He won $100 -- enough to cover his buy in and add on. But, the most impressive thing is he came in seventh and there were supposedly some pretty "high rollers" in attendance. First place would have been nice it payed out over $3,000. He said he had a great time.
He was low stack on the final table and about to be blinded out so he had to get his chips in on the best hand he could. He was dealt pocket fives and was called by the chip leader with Queen Six. The chip leader caught a six and beat J****'s fives. J**** said he would have felt a lot better about it if it had been the Queen that he caught. He did feel a bit better when that guy went on to win the tournament.
He called me at 1:10 a.m. to tell me his standing. Since, he doesn't have a driver's license he had to walk home -- about a mile or so. He said, I'm not worried, I'm sober as a judge and proud of it. Half way home we talked on his cell and he said, this is one time I'd like to see a police car and flag them down for a ride.
Annoying Cute Kid Story
Ok, I'm a mom. Another middle child moment. Ms. G**** was sitting cross legged on the floor. When she got up she was surprised and said, "Mommy, my feet are all tingly." I told her they were asleep. "I don't like it Mommy." I had her come sit in my lap and began to rub her toes to stop the tingling. I explained again how people call the tingly feeling "falling asleep." "Oh, well stop rubbing them Mommy. They are asleep and they are snoring."
I thought it was cute.
By the way -- she lost her first tooth today and doesn't want the tooth fairy to take it. She wrote the tooth fairy a note to come back tomorrow and get it, she wants to show it to everyone. The first person she called was her school teacher then her Granny S****.
Sunday, April 29, 2007
- Spouse #1 - The Practice Marriage
- Spouse #2 - The Marriage where you have your children
- Spouse #3 - The forever Marriage
I soon find out that he has severe self-esteem problems, a very mean mother, and a wimpy dad. I begin to "fix him." I work on his self-esteem, we go through suicide attempts (his), parental problems, etc... Now I can't get rid of him. I try. I try real hard. It's not love - it is feeling sorry for and he satisfied a need to take care of someone. He also took my virginity. (Yes, that picture is me after I met him, To me I look sad and afraid. I'm curled up in a ball, I feel like I'm stuck.)
He began pushing me, and thumping me in the chest whenever he was angry. He'd apologize, I tried to make him leave. He stalked me. I was afraid of him. How could I tell someone what he did to me? He would put bruises on my arms. I would lie about them. He punched me in the nose with my parents in the other room. I didn't say a word.
He would hide in the barn beside my house and sneak in the basement window and surprise me (terrorize me) after my parents went to work. I couldn't get rid of him. I tolerated it. How could I let them (my parents) know that I was a failure. It would disappoint them so.
I bought a house at the age of 25, he moved in. I didn't ask him to move in, he just did. This in the eyes of the church was wrong, in my eyes it was wrong. I couldn't get rid of him -- so, I married him. He hit me on our wedding day.
He suffered from OCD. He finally found a job that he could hold -- a deputy jailer. He learned to use handcuffs, he learned to put people in submission holds, he learned how to beat me even worse. I had guns held to my head, been beaten with an umbrella, with a police baton, had chairs thrown at me. You know -- the bruises were always where you couldn't see them. Everyone thought he was such a great guy. He wasn't.
I filed for divorce when he called me from his girlfriend's house and forgot that it would come up on caller id. When he came home the next day, I confronted him - he denied it. He left his pager home one night when he went to work, and it beeped. I called the number, a young boy answered, I asked who, he told me, I asked how his mommy knew my husband, "He's my Mommy's boyfriend." How do you know? "They sleep in the same bed." What does he look like? He has black hair and wears a uniform.
I immediately changed the locks on the doors. He kidnapped me when he received the divorce papers and held me at gunpoint, and raped me at his apartment. I escaped and got an EPO. His boss took his gun from him, the judge dropped the EPO. Guess it does pay to be in law enforcement.
Now that was one hell of a practice marriage.
Note: I am on marriage number 2 and I'm a believer that marriage 2 & 3 can be combined. We have had our children, now we will have our romance and forever. He's a good man and I know that he is capable of a lot. Just see what he has done in less than five months.
I love you and am proud of you J****.
Friday, April 27, 2007
The above link takes you to a page from our bulletin at church. It is an anonymous story of a 92 year old preacher that tells of the most important lesson that he has learned in his life. That lesson is to remember these words:
Jesus Love Me,
This I know,
For the Bible tells me so.
Little ones to him belong,
They are weak,
But he is strong.
Yes, Jesus loves me...
Yes, Jesus loves me.
Yes, Jesus love me,
The Bible tells me so.
The simplest wonders in life are remembered and the greatest lessons in life can be learned by watching your children.
My middle girl was saying her prayers the other night. She says the sweetest prayers. She prays to God like she is talking to her daddy. She said, "God, I miss my Popaw J***." (he passed away a few years ago) "Can you let him come back and play with me?" "Pweeease, Pweeease, Pweeeeeeaaaaase?" "I really do miss him." She understood the power of God. She may not completely understand the finality of death. But she knew that if anybody could, God could bring back her Popaw.
Children have a great imagination. Much like the children's show "Backyardigans" I watch my three and the neighbor children having amazing adventures in the backyard. They climbed a mountain and the garden hose was the rope for repelling down the mountain. Enjoyment from simple things, reminds me of Christmas time when you buy them the expensive gift and they play with the boxes, bows and paper and set the expensive gift to the side.
Right now they are playing with my digital camera and taking pictures of each other. The giggles are filling the air. It is the most beautiful sound you will ever hear.
Now some quotes:
"God cannot be everywhere, so he made mothers." Arab Proverb
"As a mother, my job is to take care of what is possible and trust God with the impossible." Ruth Bell Graham
"There are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children. One of these is roots the other is wings." Hodding Carter
As the song says -- "Baby I'm amazed by you."
Sunday, April 22, 2007
I gave her a card that said "Happy 29th birthday" then inside it said "Aren't you underestimating yourself." She likes funny "dry humor" cards.
Sis left home at 18 -- I would have been five years old. I don't remember much about being home with her. I remember Daddy fighting with her boyfriend and soon to be husband. They eloped. I remember mama going to the grocery and leaving me with her (I didn't like that, I thought she was mean.) But, every picture of her at home after I was born -- she is holding me. She loved me.
Sis has had a rough go of it. She too married an alcoholic. But her alcoholic never changed. She admits her children were affected negatively by their childhood. She worries about them and how things will turn out for them. She is a GOOD mama.
After she left home, I cannot honestly say that I knew my sister UNTIL...I was in my late twenties and living with an abusive husband. My sister gave me strength to get out of that relationship. We began to talk. She became and is still now my best friend. I wish I had been older and been able to help her sooner. Soon after she rescued me from my relationship -- I supported her through her divorce and to freedom.
I would always joke that she is Daddy's favorite. I said this because living at home when she was gone from my life -- dealing with her own -- I watched my Daddy's face light up whenever we talked about her. I watched him worry about her and his grandbabies and I thought -- geez, he doesn't worry about me like that. But now that I am older and wiser I see that he is as worried about me and mine. But Daddy's favorite thing in the world is to hear her laugh. I believe it is one of my favorite things in the world too.
Some people giggle, some just grunt a little laugh, my sister laughs from the pit of her soul. It is a belly laugh, not an obnoxious loud laugh, but an infectious beautiful laugh that makes you smile and begin to giggle and then to laugh with her.
My sister is beautiful inside and out. I used to look at her pictures and think, wow she is pretty and wanted to be as pretty as her. I thought -- look at my pug little nose, she has Daddy's pretty straight perfect nose. She has blue eyes, I have brown eyes. I think she is beautiful. Inside she is caring and warm and as everyone that has experienced one -- she gives the second best hug in the world. Daddy's is the best.
I took her out Friday for her birthday. Everywhere we went, people seemed to be drawn to her. I think that is called charisma. Everyone that spoke with her (with the exception of the matronly grumpy librarian) seemed to smile and relax in her presence. At the end of the day when she left, I thought to myself how lucky I am to have such a great individual as a sister.
It is amazing with all the crap that she has put up with in her life that she has this beautiful laugh. Oh, how I love that laugh. Sometimes, I call her for no reason so I can just make her laugh. I know she needs to laugh more and I need to hear her laugh. It revives me.
I love you sis. Happy 53rd birthday.
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
From: ************************** Human Resources
Sent: Wednesday, April 18, 2007 3:24 PM
To: All Users
There have been several instances in the past few weeks of employees with illnesses that may be contagious coming to work. A number of employees have indicated concern about the risk of catching something from these individuals. The most recent example is pink eye (conjunctivitis). We need to be sensitive to others. If you have a contagious illness, you should see a doctor and you should stay home until you are no longer contagious. Thank you.MY RESPONSE ONLY SENT TO MY BOSS
Sent: Wednesday, April 18, 2007 3:34 PM
Subject: FW: Illnesses
Now I feel like a leper.
I did not come in here contagious. I did not contract pinkeye until April 11 at which time I did stay home.
The one day that there was a risk the only area that could be effected would have been my office or the bathroom and hand sanitizer was used every 15 minutes.
If anyone has contracted it -- it is not from me.
I am usually not easily offended, but I now feel publicly embarrassed.
Since I look like crap and to make everyone feel more comfortable do I need to leave and return when I am no longer offensive?
AFTER I STEWED AND LITERALLY BROKE DOWN INTO TEARS
Sent: Wed 4/18/2007 3:40 PM
Subject: RE: Illnesses
I'm gone -- gonna noodle this one over -- may not be here until I look well -- may go to doctor tomorrow to satisfy everyone.
I'm not happy right now.
I have wide shoulders, I can carry a great load, but with what I have been through this last two weeks, that was the "straw." I do know one other person in the office has conjunctivis and I have not been near her or on her floor of the building during my bout with conjunctivitis.
Yes, I look like hell. My eyes are still puffy, I can't wear makeup because like a little kid, I kept rubbing my eyes and made the skin around my eyes very raw .
And, yes I cried -- the tears just rolled out, I couldn't control it. Now, if you know anything about tough ol' country girls it is this. If they cry, they aren't being dramatic, they aren't being a boo-whiney, they ARE PISSED OFF and GET THE HELL OUT OF THEIR WAY!!!!
So, I used my better judgment and got out of there before I said or did something that I would regret tomorrow.
Just venting -- I feel a little better -- not much, but I do. I still just don't see why HR director couldn't have sent the email without mentioning a specific condition. It would have been just as effective without this sentence and the link, "The most recent example is pink eye (conjunctivitis)."
Oh yeah -- I shut my office door and hung up a sign that says Quarantined.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Here's the question that I received:
Can you email me about The Total Money Makeover? I am so proud of the work you all are doing, and we need it terribly! I would love to attend a class, but cannot afford it right now. Could you give me your advice, what works for you, etc.?
Here's my money "advice" with a preface --
I am the baby in the family. I am spoiled. I have gotten pretty much everything I ever wanted. My Mom used to say that if I told Daddy that I wanted the moon he'd build a ladder long enough to reach it and get it for me. I don't fault them, they love me. On top of that, if you have read my early posts you know about all of my quirks (adult child of an alcoholic, married an abuser, then married an alcoholic, suffer from depression, etc.). All of these quirks contribute to my lack of discipline when it comes to such things as money management, weight management, time management, being able to say NO. I am big hearted and I want to share what I have, I am a pushover, etc.
My brother from what I understand makes pretty good money, but he also has said that he has trouble with managing his money too. He claims that Mama/Daddy never taught him to balance a checkbook, never taught him to save. But like my brother I am a reader and I have read, and read some more until I found someone that made sense to me when it came to handling our family's money. My brother is also a passivist and can't say NO.
My sister she has quirks too. She like me is an enabler and we tend to enable those around us that can't manage their money to use our money. So, if particularly a family member asks for money we will shortchange ourselves to provide for them.
Now some of these things are great traits. But...
Take care of yourself before you can take care of others.
You can't be lending your money to an adult child, family member, or friend. A quote from Shakespeare's Hamlet, "Neither a borrower or a lender be." If we take care of others then to take care of ourselves we use our credit cards. We justify it like this: I'll give them $10 so they can get cigarettes, I'll put these few groceries for me on the credit card. Everyone is immediately satisfied, but later the bill comes in and the family member seemed to forget all about that $10. Learn to say NO.
Don't put anything on credit but dirt.
A bill collector gave me this advice. In this society we tend to want immediate gratification. I need a new dress. I need an HDTV. I need a new cell phone. My mama always reminded me that there was a huge difference between a want and a need. Think about it -- do you just WANT it or do you really NEED it? You need groceries, a roof, transportation. But do you NEED filet mignon, a beach house, and a BMW? No. If we buy things that we WANT but do not NEED we live beyond our means. To live beyond our means we have to use credit cards. Financing anything except real estate, a house, a farm, a plot of land is not good. Most everything else depreciates and you are throwing your money away.
My grandparents never had a credit card. Mama and Daddy have one credit card, "for emergencies." They never had an emergency to need it. They continuously forget they have it. I guess when they didn't have those 29% interest minimum payments they forgot and actually had cash. Do you remember a time when your parents shunned credit? My old country raisin' did.
Stop Eating Out
I have started making a weekly menu. On this menu I outline every meal that the family will have. Groceries this week for breakfast, lunches, snacks, and dinners came to $96.00. Without the menu and the list of just the stuff I need to prepare those meals I was spending $140.00 each week. On Thursday nights when the girls have dance class -- we get to eat out. This week we will eat at McDonalds. A family of five eating at McDonalds is going to cost us around $27.00. That is almost 1/3 of my weekly at home food bill. Eating out costs a LOT. I cringe when I think of that $27.00. If I applied that to my grocery bill I could get enough ribeyes for our family, bake some potatoes, cut up a nice salad and bake a loaf of bread. Choices is what it is all about. Don't tell me you don't have time to cook -- I'm a mom of three and work full time and cook every night but Thursday.
Stop Smoking if you Smoke
Smoking is bad for your health and your pocketbook. We are guilty of this one. Yesterday at the discount tobacco shop I spent -- for this week $35.00. Last week a teacher at our church said that he used to smoke and got to the point where he considered it and felt as though he had been stealing money from his family.
If you go to Church, Don't Pay God Last
I know this may sound superstitious, but I have noticed that if I don't put money in the collection plate for God then I have no luck with my finances, if I do "lay by in store on the first day of the week" then I prosper. Put God first in ALL things, even your finances.
Do it together.
If you have a husband, partner, etc that you share financial responsibilities with -- make certain that you are on the same page. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER lie about money or anything for that matter, but DO NOT LIE about money to your spouse. It is a team effort one person can't be filling up the hole while another is digging the dirt back out. You get nowhere that way -- both have to work together to fill the hole that has already been dug.
So what to do?
Use the library -- it is free. I chose Dave Ramsey's plan because it follows Christian precepts, it focuses on giving, and he is plain talk. Check out -- My Total Money Makover, and Financial Peace. Read them -- realize how stupid you are (I did.) then...
Go to his website and look around, listen to his radio program -- he makes sense, he's funny, and he's been there. Sign up for the free trial forum on his site -- It is a wealth of information and Free is good. People in there will let you show them your budget and they will critique it and help you start thinking right.
Pray and ask God to forgive you for not being a good steward of your money and ask Him to guide you on this journey...
Make a budget -- see where you can cut and how you can live on LESS than your paycheck.
Catch up any past due bills.
Put money into savings ($1000) as a cushion for emergencies and don't touch it unless there is an emergency.
Start taking every extra penny or dime and throwing them at your creditors...
The Total Money Makeover Calls these Baby Steps.
I'll post more stuff I learn as I learn it -- I myself just learned to stand up and stop crawling. Remember, it is personal finance -- what works for me personally may not work for you. Goodluck and keep me posted and I will pray for your financial health.
Saturday, April 14, 2007
Please let this be the end of it. J**** hasn't contracted it -- yet. Let's keep our fingers crossed.
Here is Ms. F**** with Pinkeye.
Here are those beautiful eyes without pinkeye.Got to clean house now -- it looks like the walls have barfed all over the floor. And the young'ns are getting everything else out of the playroom.
Aaaaarrrgggghhh. Calgon -- take me away!!!!!!!
Thursday, April 12, 2007
Why the name change?
A year ago I filed for divorce from J****.
A year ago I went to the attorney and filed for divorce. I didn't want to, I felt I had to. He was drinking to excess. He wasn't working. He was irresponsible. He got more DUI's and the list goes on. The children were being adversely affected, I was starting to be afraid of him, things were rough. I tolerated, I hummed and hawed around until you my friends gave it to me with both barrels loaded. J**** started reading my blog, he realized that she is serious. He has been sober and clean for 120 days today. He also heard this morning that he will be full time as soon as the bureaucratic red tape is taken care of and the opening is available. Hopefully next week. He attends church with us and has truly amazed me with his progress. Tomorrow = 4 calendar months and the anniversary of the day that we met.
If you had asked me where we would be today, I would have sworn he'd either be in jail or homeless and I'd be a single mom. Prayer works, tough love works, al-anon helps, gut feelings help, and you guys kept me tough.
We are no longer estranged.
Dave Ramsey program tells you to be weird.
We are working the Baby Steps outlined in the Dave Ramsey Total Money Makeover and we just threw Snowball number 4 today.
Here's the Snowball progress to date:
Doin' the Crawl -Arrears Caught Up - DONE - $1761.86 - 2/9/2007
Baby Step 1 - DONE - $1000.00 - 2/15/2007
Baby Step 2 - 11 SNOWBALLS left to throw
Snowball 1 - $413.00 - Thrown 2/16/07 - Legal Fees
Snowball 2 - $167.04 - Thrown 2/23/07 - Medical Bills
Snowball 3 - $242.73 - Thrown 3/15/07 - CapOne - CC1
Snowball 4 - $300.00 - Thrown 4/12/07 - Pinnacle Finance (negotiated down from $533)
No more credit. As one bill collector told us -- he doesn't finance anything anymore except dirt. (Land, Home, Realty) If I can't afford it and can't pay cash for it, I don't need it. Be weird Dave says, live below your means so you aren't eating Alpo when you are old and gray.
As each snowball is thrown, the load seems lighter. I guess we are growing up. We paid for Dental visits by waiting until we could pay cash - no credit card, no borrowing from mama/daddy, no using line of credit at bank. Just plain ol' cash.
Things like this seem to fall in place when God is on your side. I give on Sunday morning what I can afford -- since I can't afford to tithe I am building the church website. I ask God everynight to make me a good steward of my money. He helps me. How? I wanted to attend the Financial Peace University (FPU) by Dave Ramsey. Dave begins offering an online version -- perfect for me -- who can get a cheap babysitter for three to attend classes for 16 weeks? I get accepted as a free beta tester. J**** and I get to take the course for FREE, FREE I say. Now that is cool.
As a Christian we are to be a peculiar people.
But ye are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a peculiar people; that ye should shew forth the praises of him who hath called you out of darkness into his marvellous light; 1 Peter 2:9We are supposed to be different, a light in a dark world. Be good, not be like the majority, but be Christlike. We are supposed to make people go hmmmm. What is more peculiar than to love God, your neighbor, and even your enemies?
Strange is fun, just look at us.
Yes, we are strange. I am the mom that tells my screaming child in the store to scream louder they can't hear you on the other side of the store. I am the mom that sits with the kids during children's song service and sings "If you are Happy and You Know It" and does all of the motions. J**** is the dad that squirts our kids and the neighbor kids with water hoses and runs races with them down the middle of the street. Ours is the house where all the kids want to come and play. I am the mom that sits in the middle of the neighbor's trampoline with 4 little girls making balloon animals. G***** sings everywhere she goes. We like the "Walton's" tell each family member goodnight and we love you before bedtime EVERY night. We say grace before we eat. We aren't afraid to be a little different. We have fun, we love each other. Normal is boring.
and thank goodness we are JUST GETTING STRANGER everyday.
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Once again -- Here I am with pinkeye...
Here I am without pinkeye.I want to go to work. I have missed Soooo much here lately -- with children, husband, myself, pinkeye -- I KNOW my priority is to be Mommy, but I am so overwhelmed and I am just about at my wits end. I thank God every night for having a wonderful bunch of coworkers.
Hopefully, we can all get over this pinkeye, and all of this seasonal crap so we can get back to normal. Oh and joy of joys -- husband said he was puking at work last night. I told him to STAY AWAY from me.
I know -- I'm whiney today.
By the way, do you know how hard it is, with pink eye as the Mama to NOT touch stuff. I couldn't fix the girls' hair this morning, or dress them, they did themselves and they look like they dressed themselves. Just think of all the things you touch...
Today I am thankful for hand sanitizer.
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Pink Eye (Conjunctivitis) is still prevalent in our house. It is D***** this time. Poor little feller. It hasn't slowed him down -- but it takes both Mommy and Daddy to get the drops in his eye.
Here's a pic of him with his Pink Eye.
And here's a pic without the Pink Eye.
I really do hate the color pink.
Other News -- J**** has a job interview this morning to get on full-time at the factory. Pray for him. He's nervous and excited. I am so proud of his progress. He has been attending church every Sunday and even commented that he would like some day to participate with giving announcements, leading the prayers, and maybe even one day leading song service.
He has grown so much. Now ya'll see why I love him so much?
And one proud Mommy picture of all three blessings on Easter Morning.
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
However she is making the most of it. Usually these are her pretty eyes...
Monday, April 02, 2007
Well folks, I had a period last week. My cycle has been so mucked up that this came as a surprise to me. I haven't had the visit from Aunt Flo for several months now and yes, she was an unexpected visitor.
When I was put on Prozac a few years back, it was to control my hormonal bouts of depression. Now I am on Celexa. Love those happy pills. Good thing about the period -- I am diligent in my work, I think I got more work done both at home and on the job than I have in a while. Heck, I dug up all of the dandelions and weeds in my front yard flower bed. Another good thing -- I am mushy, lovey dovey, sweet. Awwwww.
Bad thing -- I don't do chocolate - I spend. This last week we spent on fast food --
Pizza Hut - $25.50
Mexican Restaurant -- $45.00
McDonalds -- $3.18, $17.23, 26.02
Dairy Queen -- $27.79
for a grand total of $144.72.
Well my weekly budget for food is $100.00. Now I am hormonal and go to the grocery -- another $140.04. We now have sour gummy lifesavers, popcorn, a DVD of Happy Feet, 2 of the 1/2 gallons of ice cream, meat from the deli because it tastes better, sodas, cheese, cheese, and the PMS have to have Salt and Vinegar Potato Chips.
I BLEW THE BUDGET. I COULDN'T SAY NO!!!!!!!!!!
Hubby wanted to eat out -- Sure I said with glee. Mommy we want pancake happy meals. No problem I say pleasingly. Now I am disgruntled -- hell - I blew it anyway -- how's a footlong from DQ sound. Good to me too. I ain't cooking after church -- here have a Big Mac.
So -- got to rob the savings account.
Aaaaarrrrrrggggghhhhh. I fell off my budget wagon.
Oh -- Dave Ramsey, forgive me for I have sinned. Oh well -- tomorrow is another day. Period is over and I am refreshed and renewed.
You know the old saying -- "Don’t Trust Anything That Bleeds for Five Days and Doesn’t Die." Well during that time o' the month -- I am NOT to be trusted with money. Take away the debit card, the envelopes, and the checkbook. Lock them away -- Just say NO.
On this same line of thought... Here is an email that my Sister sent me... It cracked me up. Don't know if it is true, but I sure do hope so -- cause this is great!!!!
AN OPEN LETTER TO
PROCTER & GAMBLE.
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?
As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants.
Which brings me to the reason for my letter.
Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."
Are you fucking kidding me?
What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us? Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.
I couldn't have said it better myself. Kudos to Wendi.
Ok Guys -- you can open your eyes now I'm done talking about "the period."