Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda

Thanks to everyone for your comments on my post about "Laying Down the Law".

I SHOULDA made him leave. I COULDA made him leave. Don't know about the woulda part.

Why didn't I?

It seems so cut and dry. He's been actively drinking now since July 2004. He was sober for 834 days prior to that. You WOULDA thought that I WOULDA done it then. He's done lots of stupid things since then, wrecks, DUI's, blackouts, becoming more and more aggressive in his drinking, rumors of another woman... You WOULDA thought that I WOULDA done it by now.

He doesn't see that his actions are "that bad." He says, "I'm doing a lot less (drinking/drugs) than I used too." I'm astounded by his comments.

Why don't I?

As far as I can figure, it is what I am comfortable with -- and yes, being in a situation with three small children, that is very selfish on my part. Why in the world would I allow them to get comfortable with such a horrible disease as alcoholism? You WOULDA thought that I WOULDA avoided that as quickly as possible.

Why won't I?

Keep asking -- because I keep asking myself. The money is there, the lawyer is there, the means to do it are there -- but the WILL is not there. This too confounds me because I have been told by so many people how determined a person I am. How stubborn I can be? But I keep spinning my wheels. I need to go back to BHP and have her counsel me on what the heck is stopping me.

So what do I do? -- conflicting notions

I need to read more al-anon literature. I'm still a babe in that program and right now my notions are that:
  • You are powerless over the alcohol.
  • Alcoholism is a disease.
  • You love the person not the disease.
  • Don't let the disease control you.
  • Take care of yourself.
  • Let the alcoholic find his own way.
  • Would you abandon someone if their disease was something else like cancer?

Where do you draw the line between a disease and a bad habit that needs to be broken?

Don't get me wrong, Al-anon is helping me take care of myself, but it is confusing me about my relationship with him, and about my support of him spiritually and emotionally since I am his wife and made a vow.

My Higher Power inspired the BIBLE. The Bible says this about alcohol. I found this at this link: http://www.wcg.org/lit/booklets/alcohol/biblwine.htm. They say it better than I could.

Abuse, drunkenness condemned

"Both the Old and New Testaments contain many examples and commands against excessive use of alcohol and drunkenness. Drunkenness is listed as one of the works of the flesh (Gal. 5:21). That means it is the result of the undisciplined, indiscriminate use of alcohol. Jesus warned his followers not to be drunk (Luke 21:34).

The apostle Paul told the Corinthian church to “put away from among yourselves”—to have no fellowship—with a person who cannot control his or her drinking (1 Cor. 5:11-13). This refers to people who will not face up to or try to overcome drinking problems, not people who are working on and overcoming their problems. The Bible says that drunkards will not enter the kingdom of God (1 Cor. 6:9-10, Gal. 5:21). No one who abuses alcohol should be ordained an elder in the ministry of Jesus Christ (1 Tim. 3:3, 8, Tit. 1:7). If a minister drinks, it should be in moderation.

Throughout the Bible, God criticizes those who are “mighty to drink” (Isa. 5:22). Excessive drinkers are committing an evil (Prov. 23:20-21, Isa. 28:1-8). The improper use of wine makes wine a mocker and deceiver (Prov. 20:1). Those who “tarry long over wine” and spend a great deal of time in drinking will find all kinds of woe, sorrow and trouble (Prov. 23:29-30)."

Then there's my family...

Sis has been there done that. She shoulda, coulda, woulda and finally did leave. Now she and her children are paying dearly for that time living with the horrible disease.

Mom has been there done that. She shoulda, coulda, woulda and is still doing it. As Sis says, Mama is unhappy and has been for almost 53 years and that is what makes her so scared for me.

Here's what I want to do - -but can't bring myself to do it... The Shoulda

I want to divorce him, I want him to be my friend, I don't want to live with him because of the alcoholism and occasional drug use. I want SIS to come and live with us so we can take care of each other spiritually and emotionally and we can both take care of our babies.

But I can't and I really don't know why I can't. I'm not scared. I'm not lonely. As far as I can figure, it is what I know and I am complacent.

Sorry to let you down -- I'm trying -- and I am growing.


Updates --

He's been behaving himself since the Laying Down the Law post. He's been active in budgeting, housekeeping, etc. Let me qualify that -- there was one questionable day -- but I was too tired to pay attention to him, I had Halloween costumes to make.

He has hurt his knee and can't work plus it is raining. Wish I was farther along in the David Ramsey program and had an emergency fund.

He is still a dork -- I was asleep last night and he is on GTalk with my boss pretending to be me. Fishing for innappropriate behavior. Yeah -- me and W -- don't make us laugh.

He has been partaking in Kentucky's money crop, not buying it, just if offered he obliges. Pisses me off because I would like him to get a real job that isn't seasonal or dependent on the weather. Guess what -- to do that and be a responsible adult you have to be drug free.

Halloween was great!!!! Pics of the kids are on the Flickr account. Click on the banner in the sidebar to see a princess, the Devil, and Superman.

Sis has to have surgery on her elbow tomorrow. I am going to take care of her and be at the hospital with her. I love her and she thinks she's a burden, but I am happy that she wants me there. It makes me feel good. Go see her blog - as I've said before - we are a lot alike. She dressed as Aunt Bea for Halloween, maybe we can get her to post a pic on her blog.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

I do not mean to sound harsh, I have much sympathy and empathy for what you are going through, but you just said you were making a selfish decision by staying...it's not about YOU anymore when you have kids...it's ALL about them and the long term damage you are doing to them having them live in a fucked up alcoholic household. They are going to have LIFELONG issues because of it. And you are enabling by saying "things have been better these last __ days"...classic.

My family's motto was 'you can't help people that can't help themselves' and you sound like you fall directly into that category. I know it's hard to see when you're in the thick of it... but seriously, are you going to wait for the next episode? and then the next one after that? You are fucking your kids up good by staying and you are showing your daughter that it's okay for her husband to treat her like shit.
Sorry, but when there are kids involved I cannot hold my tongue.

Instead of taking one step forward and two steps back, try getting back some of that power you seized for yourself recently. You are a strong woman, you've been holding this broken family together for longer than most people could. Let your husband deal with his own shit...your obligation is to your kids. period

Anonymous said...

Sweetie, by not acting to get your children out of an abusive situation now, you are not postponing a choice -- you are making one.

The cycle of abuse is real. Whatever you choose, you are showing your beloved kids through your actions how they should deal with someone who is abusing them.

It's so clear how much you love your babies. I don't know you, but I honestly have trouble believing that you will ultimately choose your abuser over your children. If this is true -- if you know you will eventually forge a new life without your abusive husband, then sooner is better than later, isn't it?

I am so very sorry you are dealing with this incredibly difficult situation. It seems as if you've made a lot of progress toward a new, more peaceful life (lawyer, financial records in your name, al-anon, thoughts about how you'll live post-abuse with your sister, etc.) You deserve so much credit for taking all those steps in the midst of abuse, depression, work, and caring for three children. You're already on your way. You can do this. You can.

Anonymous said...

"This too confounds me because I have been told by so many people how determined a person I am. How stubborn I can be? But I keep spinning my wheels. I need to go back to BHP and have her counsel me on what the heck is stopping me."

I'm sorry, it's me, anonymous 2 (heh) again...I wanted to comment on the passage above. It's clear that you're strong, determined and stubborn! It's just that you're determined to make your marriage work, and you're stubbornly holding onto it no matter what the consequences to you or your children. You are holding you back.

Anonymous said...

My experience, strength, and hope is that I stayed in my marriage while in Al-Anon for 15 years before my spouse got sober. Was I crazy or was I doing God's will? I don't know. I just know that I learned a lot about taking care of myself and my children. And now I have the reward of getting to know my husband sober. HOWEVER, he was never physically abusive, seldom verbally abusive, never got a DUI (a miracle!), never lost his job, helped with things around the house (more when I stopped doing everything), helped with the kids (when he was home), and tried to be a good husband and father even though the bottle certainly got in the way. In other words, his alcoholism wasn't as destructive and irresponsible as your spouse's seems to be. I don't think my HP would have asked me to stay in a situation like yours. I often looked for reasons to leave but could not justify such an action, until the end, when my spouse finally hit his bottom and realized he could not control his drinking - such as drinking and driving when he knew it was wrong and dangerous. Whatever you do, stick with Al-Anon - it will give you what you need to take care of yourself and those precious kids... I know it helped me change so my kids didn't suffer more damage from my reaction to the disease...

Jill said...

Nay,

I am not a doctor, therapist, etc. I am also not going to be that *anonymous* Dr.Phil of Blogland. I will, however, speak to you as if I was speaking to my own sister or friends or mother. When we blog about personal things, as you and I both do, we invite a conversation on the topic. So, I will talk, and you will read, and then we can....converse! Lol.

I did not come from an alcoholic home. I did, however, grow up in an abusive home. With a mother that stayed, and stayed, and stayed. Those years were possibly the worst years of my life, because she stayed, she knew the situation, and she elected to stay. She beats herself up about it now. Our relationship still, 17 years after leaving, suffers. A child that grows up in a situation like that only has one parent to turn to, to look up to, and that is the non-abusive parent.

I am sure you love your children. I can see it in your posts. I also believe you still love your husband, and are waiting for him to change. If you didn't, you wouldn't stay, give ultimatums, and get hurt time and time again.

Your husband needs help. Does he want to get help? Or are you the only one that wants that for him? If your the only one that wants it, it isn't going to happen.

I personally think you need to leave. Take your children and leave. For good? I don't know. That would have to depend on your husband. You owe it to yourself, to your children, and to your husband to end this abuse. Not making a decision is the same as allowing it, condoning it.

Seek help for you and your children, and learn how to help them. Be there for them. Be there for yourself. Abuse is a killer for children, in so many ways.

I hope this makes sense. Please think of the kids. You should be thinking of YOU right now, also, but if you cannot do that yet...make it about them. You will do fine.

Anonymous said...

I wont post anon.--- I will leave my email address, should you ever need anyone etc...... I've read your archives etc. and people can leave comment after comment telling you how your screwing your kids lives up, your this- your that.... whatever.

The cold truth is, You arent leaving and neither is he until you have had enough. And you will know when that is. Its not time yet (Well, ya it is, but you dont think so) but when you have finally had enough---more than just saying it----- and when its "time" you'll leave. Right now, your still blowing off steam, using this forum to bitch about what an ass he is.

Until your ready to leave, keep one foot in front of the other.Keep moving forward.

I know.
I'm living your life.

Anonymous said...

Your husband is "fishing for inappropriate behavior" online with your boss, pretending to be you? So when you get fired for "your" (his) online behavior, or when your boss decides that, based on the things "you" said, you're hot-to-trot and won't mind being felt up beside the copy machine - when you lose your job and have no way to provide for yourself and your kids, what then?

I was in an abusive, alcoholic relationship for years. And I had a child with that man. I never stood up for myself, never defended myself, made all the excuses about his behavior and how I just didn't know how to leave him. When the baby was three months old, he made a gesture as if he was going to hit the baby: I called 911 immediately. If you don't protect your kids from his behavior, you are just as much an abuser as he is. I hope you get your sh*t straight and rescue your kids from their hell life, before they're taken away from you.

Anonymous said...

I was married to an alcoholic for six years and it was six years too long. We had one child and I was always hoping, hoping, hoping he would quit drinking. Eventually I did leave him when our daughter was almost 4 yrs. old. She still remembers some of the horrible things that happened when he was under the influence of booze. I am so sorry for that.
Believe me, you are not doing your kids a favor by staying in a situation like this. I remember feeling like I was trapped and was afraid I wouldn't be able to make it on my own. You know what? Even though we were married six years, it took me at least ten years to get over the sick thinking I had developed within myself. When you stay in an alcoholic marriage, after a while you end up sicker than the drunk. My self-esteem was zilch by the time we split and it took years to rebuild it. It pains me to see you going through this but especially it pains me the subtle but damaging message you are showing your children. I have no doubt that you love your kids so much and that is what makes this so sad. Please don't be upset by anything I am saying. I am just a woman who has been there and done that and believe me right now when your kids are small their destiny is being formed in so many ways. You are a beautiful woman and you have a big heart and you deserve way better than this. I remember one of the last things I said to my ex before our split was that he could choose to trash his life but he was not going to trash me and our daughter's lives anymore.

By the way, my ex eventually stopped drinking when my daughter was 7 yrs old. The years of hard drinking had taken a toll on him and he never recovered mentally or physically even though he had stopped drinking.

Please don't get caught up in the thought that you can somehow "fix him". Only he can do that. Sometimes an alcoholic has to hit rock bottom to finally make a decision for themself and stop. It might take losing their job, their spouse, their family life, their friends.

You may not think that you can make it on your own. Years after my divorce I shuddered at how stupid I was to hang on as long as I did. I am just glad that I didn't stay in it for longer. My daughter has told me that she knows it was the right decision. I also never bad-mouthed about him to her. She knew he loved her but she is also thankful that she didn't grow up in that atmosphere. Honey, I wish you the best. For you and your kid's sake, I hope your husband will see the light soon. I am scared for you.

Cindy