53 Years Ago

November 9, 1953 Mama married Daddy. April 22, 1954 Sis was born. Do the math.

Back in 1953 a pregnancy out of wedlock in a small town was a terrible thing. To this day, Mama will not allude to this, she will not discuss this, they do not mention that it is their anniversary (Daddy will, but not Mama).

Daddy has been an alcoholic as long as I can remember. Sis and I both wonder, is she happy, has she ever been happy? Mama told me once, "If I had it to do over, I'd have had my kids without keeping the man." We are the joys in her life. Looking from the outside in -- poor Mama.

Daddy has always provided. He has worked. He is a miserable ol' codger at times, but he has a funny dry wit. He is big-hearted to a fault, I think most alcoholics are that way.

I think I lived through the brunt of the alcoholism, when it was really, really bad. I remember a time he was sitting in the recliner, definitely a blackout. "I was young, 10 or 12 and remember verbatim. I could have been somebody, UK was looking at me for a scholarship, I was just a boy, not out of school, but had to take care of family. I could have been someone." Then he began lamenting about the babies that died at birth. So as you see, there's no satisfying an alcoholic when they want to feel sorry for themselves.

But, I also remember Mama being sick and Daddy taking care of her, the home, and all of us, and worrying, because he does love her very much. This last time Mama was in the hospital and I drove Daddy to/from the hospital, he spoke so lovingly about her, he knows he's done stuff and I believe he's sorry, he felt so useless because he couldn't take care of her during her stay at the hospital. He had just had cataract surgery and couldn't drive, couldn't see to dial the phone, and he was lonely without her.

When I was going to counseling, BHO talked about being bitter, and I have mentioned that in this blog before, my Mama is bitter. She has a hard shell that protects her from being hurt. She holds grudges in a "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me" sort of attitude. She asks lots of questions of her children, it annoys us, but I think it is her way of finding out if we are getting bitter too, keeping us open, keeping our shells soft so we are not as hardhearted as her. Even though we are adults, she's our Mama and to her, to me, to you Sis, we will NEVER stop being her babies, and we will NEVER stop trying to protect our young.

Oh, poor Mama, both of her precious baby girls married an alcoholic. Sis, your daughter married a man with an addiction, your son is an alcoholic. Oh, dear God, what will I do when my son takes his first drink, and my daughter's marry their Father. Will I be my mother?

Poor Mama. I am so sorry.

NOTE: Daddy still drinks, but not to the extent that he did in the past. He is a wonderful man and he loves us so. He put us through a lot, but now well he's an old fart that spends his day out in the garage away from the old bat in the house watching those rotten grandkids of his. I thank God everynight for both of them. Without them, I would be lost.

Exciting Stuff: My brother was on NPR Radio today playing his viola. He's bald.