J**** read my blog and was a total horse's rearend. Everytime I touch the computer he gives me that snide -- "what? you blogging again?" attitude. I just want to smack him upside his head.
He read it Thursday night. Pouted, said, "You hate me." I don't hate anyone. How can someone not understand? You are still here -- so duh -- I don't hate you. If I hated you it would be so much easier for me to follow through.
So Friday -- he cops this attitude -- I think he has some whiskey hidden somewhere because the liquid courage was there. Trying to assert his manhood he says he is not happy with me, woman get this, woman get that. By not happy, I mean not happy with the things that I wrote. He instant messaged my sister and said he felt like "second fiddle", that we "think he is too dumb to watch his own kids", that he is "very down." Being pitiful.
Then the way he acts when my mother calls the house, just makes me soooo angry. My mother has always, as long as we have been together, called me multiple times of the day. It is her outlet. Sometimes I am the only one that will talk to her without putting her off. He needs to realize that this is her coping mechanism and he just needs to deal with it. She's my mom for God's sake, be glad she cares. She has lived my life.
Back to Friday -- I call the house to see how the children are doing and to see if they need me to stop and pick up anything before I get home. He's screaming at the girls, the boy is crying, it sounds like a madhouse. So I dash out of work, stop and buy milk, and go home. All has calmed down. I begin preparing supper and he wants to be all touchy feely -- In the immortal words of Loretta Lynn, "Don't come home a drinkin' with lovin' on your mind." There is nothing more disgusting than being groped, etc by a drunken oaf. He backs me into the corner in the kitchen -- I have fish frying on the stove and well fish cooks quick and I don't have time to mess with him. Also, don't back me into a corner. I'm like a wild animal when I feel pinned in and I get extremely defensive. I push him away and he pushes me closer to the cabinets. I reach down and grab his manhood -- not the real owee part but just the boneless portion to get his attention. He grabs my neck. I squeeze harder, he squeezes harder, I can't breathe, I let go, he let's go. I look him in the eyes and say " I am NOT scared of you, remember that."
The fish was really good -that is the first time I have cooked Tilapia.
He didn't work any last week - between his knee and rain and a boss that works on a whim. So I am stressing this week about money. No money. Am trying to work the Dave Ramsey, Total Money Makeover and getting started is very hard. I need him to bring in a paycheck to make ends meet. Here is a post that I put on the forum.
Here goes!!! Family of 5, Mama, Daddy, 6, 5, 22month old.
Monthly Income $3,600 - if he is able to work, else I don't even want to go there...
First of Month:
Mortgage - 1003.00 (includes escroll)
Unsecured Loan - 145.00
Dance Class - 88.00
TMMO - 9.00
Mid Month:
Water/Trash/Sewer - 30.00
Electricity - 70.00
Gas - 100.00
Cable/Internet - 105.00
Vonage - 28.00
Cell - 110.00
Cred Card 1 - 15.00
Cred Card 2 - 15.00
Cred Card 3 - 15.00
Cred Card 4 - 30.00
Auto Loan - 347.00
Student Loan - 60.00
Bank Loan 168.00
Bad Auto Loan - 100.00
Quarterly Bills
Auto Insurance - 151.00
Other Bills -
Court bill for DH - 518.00 by Dec 18 else jailtime - 200.00 saved for this
Med Bills for DH - 850.00
Owe my mom/dad - 2500.00 - they are very considerate of situation
Owe his dad - 430.00 - he too is broke and wants his money NOW.
Household bills:
Grocery - 400.00
Gas station - 120.00
School Lunches - 60.00
Church - 40.00
Medical 30.00
Oh and I'm overdrawn...
Behind on Auto Loan and Cable, DH works construction so money is seasonal, no EF yet. Cell is a 2 year contract - what will they do if I break contract?
Cable is a bundled deal with internet. We've done away with fast food, etc.
I'm selling on Ebay.
Go ahead critique, fuss at me, be constructive, be harsh, just share your knowledge.
Thank you.
I am so thankful that God takes care of fools and little children.
-------------------------
Still learning to crawl...
By the way --
Thanks again for all of your comments. To you it seems that I am spinning my wheels, but this blog allows me to think through it and become stronger and your comments do help. Keep'm coming -- many hit home and none have offended. Please don't get tired of me -- be patient with me. I am a survivor and have always in the end thrived. This too shall pass.
5 comments:
Don't ya just love Loretta Lynn!!!
. . . . . . .
Well you thought I'd be waitin' up when you came home last night
You'd been out with all the boys and you ended up half tight
But liquor and love they just don't mix leave the bottle or me behind
And don't come home a drinkin' with lovin' on your mind
No don't come home a drinkin' with lovin' on your mind
Just stay out there on the town and see what you can find
Cause if you want that kind of love well you don't need none of mine
So don't come home a drinkin' with lovin' on your mind
You never take me anywhere because you're always gone
And many a night I've laid awake and cried here all alone
Then you come in a kissin' on me it happens every time
No don't come home a drinkin' with lovin' on your mind
No don't come home a drinkin'...
No don't come home a drinkin' with lovin' on your mind
. . . . . . .
Dang, that sure brings back memories!!
xoxoxoxoxoxxo
I love you!
Your on a tight budget, I dont see any "movement" room already so your pretty stuck with what you have.
It will balance out and you'll get what you need one way or another.....
You hit the nail on the head--you are a survivor. Don't give up on yourself or your kids...and keep putting one foot in front of the other.
It's hard to read this because I just get proud of you when I read about you mustring up the energy to get out and then when I hear you are still in a situation where he is saying demeaning things to you it makes me furious for you.
I know you will survive--no doubts about that, I truly just worry that your kids are going to bear the scars for a lifetime. I know firsthand what it's like to grow up in a booze-soaked household and I will never forget things that were said and how they affected me for a long time...even quick little one-liners.
I worry about you and I see how little wiggle room you have financially so I know it's easy for me to say 'get out now'...I know you are doing the best you can, but to be perfectly frank, as long as J is living there, you best is just not cutting it. I have no doubt you can endure this for an indefinite amount of time, but it's the right of every child to grow up in a home where the golden rule is followed and they see what respect looks like.
I know what it's like to have glimpses of what another life could look like, and I think the other commenters who talked about getting out of their alcoholic relationships have got to be your guiding light....it was tough, but looking back their only regrets are not getting out sooner, even though life was tough.
Keep the faith...you are a survivor, just don't make your kids suffer anymore.
Alright, you asked for it.
Finances are a pain the butt. Ramsey is right and it's damned hard. Sell everything that isn't nailed down. Make the kids wonder if they are next. I had a house on a 5 acre lot far away from anything that would possibly annoy me. Deer in my back yard and Foxes in my front yard virtually every morning. Paradise. We took a hard look at where we were. The ONLY solution was to move closer to the office. The gas alone would be the difference. We talked about it. We prayed about it. We cried about having to leave the country...alot. I have yelled at God twice...in full throat and with much sincerity. First was when we found that we would never have children. Second was when He told me that I had to move. Jonah = Me.
So we old it and moved to "Babylon" to pay off alot of debt and save on gas.
Truth be told...I'm not terribly happy here. Love the bride, LOVE the broadband, love the dog. House?...well it's shelter. Neighbors...nice folks but they are FAR too close and I could do without them. Bottom line, we did what we had to do to be good stewards. You can too.
You had talked about a plan...work on that plan.
As for the "pinning to the cabinets" and "not being afraid". Real men, true Husbands, Honest Fathers...never EVER EVER lay an angry hand on women, wives, or children. Those that do are not worth the air they breathe.
next time grab lower.
Dollface, I'm big-time proud of you for working to deep-six your debt, Dave Ramsey style. You got a tough road to hoe, but you can do it. Thanks for spreading the debt-free word and for working for The Man Upstairs. I'll say some words to him for you. Here's looking at you, kid. www.debtective.com
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