Yeah, yeah, yeah -- you told me so.Nine days of sobriety was enough for him. Got to feeling sorry for his damn self and kaboom -- Drunken Bubby.
Feeling sorry -- went to doctor and he needs surgery on his arm. Doctor says that he is a mess and that all of his joints are in bad shape. I still think that a lot of the pain is due to depression and the alcoholism and the desire to have the pain pills.
I know, I know -- gloat. Be smug enjoy yourselves. Be aggravated at me.
But -- as the old indian man said "Walk a Mile in My Moccasins."
You can call them excuses.
I view my issues as conflicts.
I am a person of positive outlook so I see the best in everyone. I know he has the potential and CAN do this. I also know that at this point in his life he doesn't want to do this.
I guess you can call me a whore because I need his bring home pay to take care of the home and the children. Oh, I can make it. But...the alternative is scary. Females like that safety net. Yes, I know you can't put a price on the children's needs.
Maybe I am just plain old lazy, tired or worn out, but I'm just tired of it right now and emotionally, physically I can't deal with it. He works third -- he drinks, sleeps, and for the kids it is pretty much out of sight, out of mind. They have no idea unless they hear me tell someone, that Daddy is drinking (the majority of the time.) Guess you can say I'm just flailing right now.
Stay and I'm a failure --- leave and I'm a failure. The church frowns upon divorce and I really don't like the idea of being a two-time divorcee. I don't have the money for an attorney right now and have borrowed and am paying back too much to my parents as it is. I'm tired of being a burden to them.
Guess BHP was right -- I am becoming bitter. I am starting to resign myself to this. Giving up. I know I need to pull myself up by my bootstraps.
Yep -- feeling sorry for myself today. Hell -- if I was him I would just drink. But, no someone has to be the responsible adult.
Just ranting and rambling.
So what am I doing for me? I do online al-anon, I pour myself into my church stuff and my kids, I blog, I reflect.
Yes, I am off of my antidepressants. I got my prescription filled and will start back. But, they make me not give a damn about anything. I hate that feeling. I care right now -- choice be a veg or care. Hmmmm.
So -- anyway he called me this morning and apologized. I told him I don't want to hear it and that he needs to straighten his act up. I need him. I need him to go to counseling or AA I told him. I can't afford counseling. We'll see he said.
Hell -- he can afford to go to the doctor everytime he runs out of Loratabs. $55 bucks for prescription and visit. But he can't afford to talk to someone that can help him get to the heart of the matter. Aaargh. Charming (a wonderful blog buddy) who is sober says that you have to find out what is causing you to drink. WHY?
His Dad is living with us. His dad is sober. His Dad is his primary alcohol example. His Dad is his EXCUSE and more than likely his issue. They need to come to terms with these issues. His Dad is seeing himself through his son and I believe has realized the harm he did.
Oh well -- no answers for now -- just getting off of my chest. Go ahead beat me up -- but offer something useful this time.
So what happened -- after doctor's appointment he had no ride back to the house so walked home. Called me and I was unavailable in a meeting. So he passes by old Crack Addicts house and stops to say hi. Ends up bring ol' dude home with him. J**** drinks. He also knew that I was going to be home early that day -- had arranged a technology delivery around lunch and long afternoon so we could have some "alone time." But guess he would rather be alone with a snaggle toothed addict than with his wife or family. So spent most of day trying to get him to get to sleep and listening to him holler. Kids did see him drunk this time and quickly retreated to neighbor's house to play after homework was done. Yep, he acted the arse and was very aggravating and beligerent.
Thank goodness we are having a "Gospel Meeting" this week a revival as most call it -- cause I need some reviving.
5 comments:
You know what, I wrote out a long, honest attempt to try to get you to see how hard you're working to rationalize and avoid doing what you need to do -- but I erased it.
What's the point? You obviously have no real intention of getting your kids out of that situation. You know what you're teaching them, and you know how angry they're going to be at you when they grow up, but it doesn't matter. Your eyes are wide open, and yet this is what you've chosen for them.
There's no advice that will help you -- you're the one who has the power to stay or go. Since you're going to stay with that kind, wonderful man you've described (you know, the one who's no worse than a spouse who say, works late most nights), my advice would be to stop threatening to do what you have no intention of doing, stop blaming everyone else for the life you have chosen for you and your children, and get working on that bitter and resigned protective shell as quickly as possible (help your kids develop the bitter/resigned shell, too -- they will need it).
Best of luck.
I would never gloat about knowing how insidious the disease of addiction. I take no joy in the suffering of others. I love you, Nay.
I only have compassion, and by compassion, I mean that I have been there, made the same excuses, endured the same abuse, listened to the same lies, made the same threats. I've walked in your moccasins and damn near wore them out.
Then I realized that unless I changed something, I was soon going to end up one of three places: in jail, in an institution or dead. That is the nature of the disease, even if it's your spouse that's drinking.
The longer you stay where you are, the more likely your kids will end up the same way. With each passing day, the chances of your kids coming out sober and alive diminish. I'm not making this up.
Be willing to see things differently. Be willing to see yourself differently. Be willing to see your husband differently.
So what if you've been divorced before? Who cares who the church people think? Let he who is without sin throw the first stone! This is your family we're talking about!
If you don't get out, you might as well just pick which one of your kids you want to die from an overdose or an alcohol related accident first. If you stay it WILL happen.
Alcohol kills indiscriminately!
Ever watch a scary movie and you just want to tell the character, "Get out of the darn house, you idiot!"? Well, welcome to Amityville, my dear! You and your children are being hunted by addiction and will die in that house unless you get out!
Peace,
Dharma
I'm just going to say that I'll be praying for you, because I honestly think you need that more than anything at this point. He's not going to stop until he's dang good and ready to do so, NOTHING YOU DO will make it happen any faster. He has to hit rock bottom on his own.
You need to start worrying about you and your children, not what the people in your church think! Your kids right now are vulnerable, you're teaching your daughters it's okay to be treated like dog excrement on a shoe by a drunk, and you're teaching your son it's okay to treat people like that.
You're teaching your children it's okay to drink and that there's no ramifications. You're also lying to yourself if you think they don't notice. They see, hear, and understand WAY more than what adults give them credit for.
Lots of prayers. You need them.
I also wasted years in your moccasins. I was younger and didn't really understand addiction. Hate to say it, but I finally did have to leave him -- he was never going to love anyone or anything as much as that bottle. A decade later and now married to a wonderful man, it's hard to believe how awful those times were, especially the constant fearful, angry, lonely, hopeless knot in my stomach.
No one's gloating, and no one can tell you what to do, but statistically, those kids will up imitating their role models for another generation. That's so sad. If you insist on keeping them in that situation, can you at least find them some kind of counseling?
I just wanted to add that I know how hard it is. Leaving is scary as hell. I had to do it not once, not twice, but three times; the last time I needed a restraining order.
I know you're doing the best you can with what you've got. The disease of addiction is overwhelming. It is cunning, baffling and powerful. It is also relentless.
We've all been enablers. We've all made those mistakes over and over again. And eventually those of us who survived became willing to make a change.
When the time is right, you will also make a change. I pray that it is sooner than later, that your kids won't be as hurt by the disease.
Peace,
Dharma
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