What will it take?

I just don't understand -- look at my flickr pics -- we are a lovely family, they are precious children. Four bedroom house, big goofy dog, broadband internet (that's for you W**** - LOL) How could someone put all of that at risk? Why would you risk losing all of that. I understand that alcohol is a great addiction, need, crutch, but if given the choice -- I would die before I allowed myself to be taken away from my children.

What will it take to hit rock bottom? I've filed for divorce, he knows I've filed for sole occupancy of the home, and sole custody. He gets a second DUI with jail time, suspended license, probation, and fines. But Friday night he came home intoxicated (six beers he says) and last night he was intoxicated again.

I know I need to go to Al-Anon but how -- three kids. Mom can't watch them anymore than she already does -- she's 71 and frankly tiring out. I definitely don't want to leave them with him. His family -- no help. I'll look into the online groups.

This just needs to be done and over with so I can get on with my life.

Last night's drama -- The girls had picture night at dance class. J**** did not want to watch D***** so my mom came and took D***** home with her (I know BHP - he's not pulling his weight). Picture sessions lasted until 8:30 pm (they were so cute). He did not work yesterday. I guess at some point he went and bought some beer. G*****, my quiet one who doesn't like to talk about it, told me this morning that Daddy hides his "beer'd" behind the building - he told her that is a family secret (OMG). We returned home and J**** was on his way to being drunk. He was on the phone with R***** (nephew-in-law) and was trying to purchase a joint. R***** told him he could get some so J**** was determined that he was going to leave and drive to L-burg on a suspended license, 1/2 way intoxicated, no insurance on his vehicle to purchase a joint. I flipped -- found the beer can and threw it to the ground (it exhumed a pretty fountain of beer) and told him NO you are not taking the vehicle. He said he couldn't handle it -- "just one more day, just one more day, I CAN'T." F**** told him Daddy can't is a bad word (they learned this in Kindergarten). He began to cry and we told him that we love him and we are here and that he doesn't need to leave. F**** is very perceptive, knows more than she should I think and told him, Daddy if you drive you may have to go to jail again.

She then began to manipulate her Daddy. When he wasn't looking -- she would scrunch her eyes shut and force tears and baby talk her Daddy to please stay. She worked herself up into a frenzy. I proceeded to put G**** and D***** to bed while he talked with her to calm her down -- if I tried to interfere he would scream at me and upset her more. G***** and D***** -- thankfully went down really quick. J**** put F**** in her bed and laid beside her until she went to sleep. I called my sister D***** this morning and told her about it (she has become F****'s confidant) and she is going to pick up F**** to spend the night with her tonight. G**** is at work with me today. D***** is at Granny's house and J**** is at work. He just called me and acted as if nothing had happened that was wrong. My sis told me that what F**** did, she used to watch me do to our Daddy.

Nonetheless -- F**** accomplished her goal. Daddy did not leave, Daddy did not buy a joint.

That Gut Feeling - It is amazing how in tune you can be with those you love and live with. While waiting for Dance photos to be taken F**** was playing with all of the other children. All of a sudden I had this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. A second or two later -- F**** was standing in front of me wanting to be held. I asked her what was wrong and she said, "Nothing." But she looked so sad. I hate that gut feeling. I hated it when I was little too. Yes, we somehow knew -- he's drinking again tonight.

The Middle Child - I know I don't say much about G****. She is my loner -- she withdraws from the situation. As I noted earlier - she will feed me tidbits of information at times. I try not to press her but I sure do squeeze her a lot. I think her confidant will be her Granny much like my Granny was to me.

Well -- gonna call the attorney and see what the status is -- I don't know what it will take for him. But seeing my baby like that last night. Well, that's all it takes. Keep us in your prayers, please.