The Real Blogging Begins

Previous posts have been - me, just copying my electronic journal to this site. Now we will start with an update and what is really going on in my life.

Oh the shear audacity that I would think anyone would really care or for that matter want to know? But hey, it may make you feel better about yourself and it allows me to get it "off of my chest." If anything, I will share what I have been learning from the psychologist, ways I've dealt with situations (wrong or right) and what I've gotten from the books that I have read and from my reliance on the "higher power" as God is called for those who attend AA.

BHP my psychologist says that I put too much pressure on myself. Pressure to go ahead with the divorce, she says I'm not ready but that I will get to that point. My lovely friend S**** also said the same thing. Wow -- I could have saved my HMO some money. She is right but the pressure doesn't only come from myself, but from J****, his mom, my mom, and other family members, friends all wanting me to make a "snap" decision. Down deep, I know that this relationship will come to an end, but it is very hard.

Update on J****'s progress. He went out on Memorial day (real smart now) and got his second DUI. He got off extremely lucky with only 14 days to serve in jail. He is in court this morning, pleading to serve weekends. Of course -- he's not drank since Memorial Day. But -- again, time will only tell.

The withdrawals from the alcohol and drugs have made him hell to live with and I keep reminding him, that if he can't handle the kids being kids, etc -- go upstairs and retreat, do not yell at them. As I have said, I have asked him to get professional help -- but he won't.

I too have been irritable and am wondering, why do I keep him around. He is absolutely no help to me. I notice when he is not there the children are more calm, even though they do miss Daddy. I guess this is where they are feeding off of the friction between mom and dad.

One thing that I am proud of however, is that I did not enable him during the DUI incident. The pretrial officer asked me if I would sign a surety bond to get him out -- I said NO. I am not with him today in court. I have not been party to his getting out of this ordeal. He asked me to help him pay for booking fees on weekends -- I said NO. It's all him this time. I have myself and my babies to take care of.

One thing that BHP said on Friday at our session that I will not forget and it makes total sense. Whenever I talk to J**** on the cell phone when he is not home (he doesn't drink at home) and I sense that he has been drinking -- I ask him "Have you been drinking?" She said, "Why do you ask? What good does it do? You already know."

According to the book Marriage on the Rocks , I can't stop him from drinking. All I can do is let him drink and let him be responsible for himself. I shouldn't use his drinking as an excuse for me or the children not to have a life. Just go on and let him do what he is going to do. If he feels left out that is his problem and he can make the choice to be sober and join us or not be sober. But we will have a life, either with or without him.

Yesterday the children and I went to the library. I just left him at home. Asked him if he'd like to come -- he said he didn't feel like it. I said okay and left it at that . He was not drinking and I did not push him to go. We left - had a great time and brought home 14 library books for them and a book for him (I will read it too) Sober for Good. He can read it if he wants to -- if not that is his loss. Yes, it is hard to take a 6, 4, and 18 month old to the library but you know what -- I did it and we were fine and we even went to the store next door and bought Slushies and signed up for the summer reading program.

All I want is for our babies to be happy, and I'll keep working on me, if he wants to he's welcome to come along for the ride.