History

I will be posting entries from my Journal on this blog. I am going to a psychologist today to talk about what all is going on. Just a brief history for you. I have been married for 5 1/2 years to an alcoholic and we have three children. I have been an enabler. I am working toward being able to enable myself and not others. Also, I have filed for divorce, yet since he is on the deed to the house -- he won't leave until the lawyer files certain paperwork. So -- he's still here. Thus, the name of this blog -- Estranged & Getting Stranger.

Here's the first entry in my electronic journal -- moved to this blog.

March 27, 2006

Another attempt at putting my thoughts into words.

Yesterday at church the topic of divorce was brought up. I felt like I was shunned for being a divorcee, and to make matters worst. They look down on remarriage to a non-Christian (Church of Christ). I biblically divorced my first husband for his adulterous ways.

But, I do not believe that J**** has ever been unfaithful to me. There has been a story of a woman at M***’s house when J**** was on a drinking and drugging binge. I don’t know for sure – I guess. Just don’t want to think that he ever could have been.

However, J**** is drinking a lot here lately and causing the children to be upset and I’m not coping with it as well as I think I should. I am seriously thinking about divorcing him. But would the church look down on me and shun me as a sinner?

I know that no matter what they think or do, I would still attend with my children. Church is what has kept me sane all of this time. Do I stay married and miserable and possibly risk hurting my children emotionally, to keep in line with what is God’s way? Or does God want me to take care of my children and possibly change J**** with the tough love?

Now that’s a thought. I never thought of it that way, a glimmer of hope or false hopes on my part. If I did divorce him, would it cause him to change and then everything in the future become “happily ever after”?

* * * * * * * * * *

J**** has this new friend – D****. D****’s presence in J****’s life makes me feel threatened, worried, distressed… J**** left around 5:00 pm today and didn’t return until after 10:00 pm. Practically ran us all over getting out of the house when D**** called. J**** says that D**** has no means of transportation.

Aside – this is one reason I love J****, his inability to say no to someone who needs his help. He is always eager to assist a friend or a stranger that needs him. I guess he likes to be needed. Wow, another deep subject I need to contend with.

Back to the topic. I spoke with S****my second cousin (also J****’s friend) and he said that Jason has been coming over there and drinking, and that Jason has commented that D**** provides him with cocaine. S**** is also concerned about J**** and wishes that he would stop the alcohol.

Now to revisit the deep subject above. I guess everyone needs to feel needed. I am an extremely independent individual. Guess that is a symptom of an “adult child of an alcoholic.” I KNOW that he does not feel needed by me. I do need him, but I don’t need him as a drunk. I need him as a father, a provider, and a husband. His support and cooperation in the care of this family is what I need from him. But, I can be intimidating (no, I’m not making excuses for him – just coming to grips with my own personality.) I can be critical. I can make someone feel pretty insignificant.

But, in my defense, it takes a lot before I start pushing this intimidation and criticizing. At first, I constantly thanked and appreciated. The more he saw how independent I was, the less he did. I just wish we could both give 110%. Then there would be nothing this family couldn’t do.

I don’t understand the alcoholism. What could be more important than the spouse and the children? He says he gave up a lot to be with me. But all that he gave up were things that would have killed him. Now – he’s returning to them and giving us up.

Enough for tonight I am very tired. 11:54 pm