Rollercoaster -- DOWN

That didn't take long now, did it? You know that feeling in your stomach when a rollercoaster is going downhill. Well imagine that gut feeling mixed with dread instead of exhilaration. That's how it is living with an addict. I don't think it was alcohol tonight. He says 2 valium. I believe it-- pills make him act the same as if he has been drinking. Just not as smelly. I knew it was happening. When he came home he was antsy. He even (I think) faked a phone call from a friend saying he needed to help B**** move some furniture. BULL. Why pills? Because they get out of your system faster than marijuana (he says three days) and no external evidence.

Saw BHP today. J****'s actions today have reinforced many of her statements. Here's some things that I got from our session:

• He is not in recovery. This rollercoaster is not recovery. If he says he is going to try. Then he isn't going to do it. Try is unacceptable. Action is needed. He needs to say I will do it.
• Instead of thinking about what is going to happen to him, I need to think about what is happening to me and the children, and that is NOT good.
• Chemical dependency is a one way elevator that only goes down and I can push the button and get off of that ride anytime I want (unlike a rollercoaster). He too can get off anytime he wants, but he has to push that button, I can't push it for him.
• I have lived my entire life with an alcoholic influence and I do not know anything different. I am afraid of the unknown.
• My mother is pushing me to get on with the divorce because of her experiences and she knows what it did to me and doesn't want it to happen to her grandbabies.
• I enable him by doing it all myself, the yard, the housework, the paying of the bills, tending to the children, all of it. I'm tired.
  
• It only gets worse.
• I need to use my strongwilled nature (be like G*****) and stand up for my needs and say this is it. "My way or the highway."
  

She made me say it outloud today, and I could barely do it. "J****, I want you to leave." I tear up just typing it. You know -- my blog may be entitled Estranged & Getting Stranger, but I am actually Estranged & Getting STRONGER.