The Old Devil

I worry. I worry about J**** and his strength.

I've seen him play pool all day long around folks drinking and he would drink Mountain Dew and be fine. I've seen him pass up an ice cold Bud Light when his friends offer him one. I worry when I see that the drunken neighbor called twice today and wonder, if J**** didn't have the ringers turned off so he could sleep, would he have been swayed to drink.

I worry about the marijuana and pills. I understand that he is in pain, when he went to the doctor recently she told him he needed surgery on his knee. He hurt his finger last night, the fingernail is black. He said, oh I need a pain pill.

He rides to/from work with an old friend. The old friend cheated on his drug test and smokes him a joint on the way to work. J****'s clothes smell like marijuana. I worry most about this drug. I know that he sees nothing morally wrong with it, he has been told his whole life, it is natural, God put it on the Earth for a purpose. Well, maybe it's purpose was to make rope, clothes, paper, etc... and not to be perverted by man's so-called wisdom and used to make you high.

I mentioned the smell, he denied it. He is at work - he's not too bright - there is a roach is in the ashtray outside. What am I to think? He is dry, but not clean. I am disappointed.

I will confront him. I have heard from other alcoholics/addicts, you can't give up one and not the other, it's all or nothing. One makes the cravings for the other worst. Kind of like my friend at work saying that if she drinks a beer, she has to smoke a cigarette. We quit smoking together, the majority of times she lapsed was when she had a beer.

I worry.

Getting my Act Together

I've done the budget, through the end of the year. Good Lord willing J**** keeps this job and does right. We will snowball 6 of our monthly bills by the end of the year. By the end of this month we will be out of arrears, have our $1,000 emergency fund, and just because I can, I may buy some used furniture with my tax refund - because my couch is killing my back - nothing new with three small kids.
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I jotted down topics for this post at work today. It was going to focus on how proud I am of his efforts and his will power. I understand it is hard, but it doesn't make it any less disappointing. I will strongly suggest he attend AA or some type of counseling.

Oh well... three C's .
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UPDATE --

I confronted him --- "I've done been too long to fuck it up now!!!" He said it was so and so's roach from before -- It did look like it was an old yucky one.

Shame on me for jumping to conclusions - but he'd better watch out -- I have the reserve CVS drug test. Bwah hah hah hah hah hah hah.

Shame on me for trying to satisfy my drama addiction.

Shhhh!!! Leave Your Daddy Alone.

Shhhhh! You'll wake daddy. Don't tell Daddy. Just leave Daddy alone.

I have NEVER had a heart to heart with my Daddy. I will be forty years old on my birthday and I still talk baby talk to my Daddy. I do NOT even know my Daddy's favorite color. I notice that when I talk to Daddy I don't even look him in the eye, but I lower my head so as to be non-confrontational. I really don't know him. Mama always told me to not bother Daddy with this or that. Or, I'd go to Mama and she would talk to Daddy about it. This is really sad for both Daddy and me.

Daddy is an alcoholic. He has had dry (inactive) spells. He has had some really BAD spells. When I was growing up his drink of choice was Gilbey's Gin, now he drinks Old Milwaukee beer, unless his current tag-a-long (we'll call him Red) brings him Whiskey (this is only something that I have heard through the grapevine.)

Yesterday, I believe was a whiskey day.

Mama called and said D**** was asleep and she didn't want to wake him. Usually (since J**** is working third shift now) Mama will bring the boy home and be there when the girls get off of the school bus. So, Mama was worried about the girls getting off of the bus and didn't want to leave D***** at her house asleep. I asked her why couldn't Daddy come in and watch him while she came to town? Then she could bring the girls back to her house. "Well, (long pause) he's out in the garage with Red and they are building feeders for the rabbit pens and well...." Okay, Okay Mom it's okay -- I'll call J**** and he'll unlock the door and the girls can watch TV and play until one of us get there. J**** will nap on the couch or something. Mama: "Are you sure? Call me back and let me know." She sounds sooo stressed."

I call J**** he's grumpy but he says, no problem. Waking him is like waking Shrek in the mornings.

I call Mama back and Daddy answers the phone. The first words that come out of his mouth are.

Daddy: "You tell J**** to get his ass up, he don't need that fucking much sleep. Why can't he take care of his kids."

The tone of his voice and the slur. I just say to myself, OMG. So, it flew all over me (by now Mama is on the other line).

I strongly state: Daddy, he IS up. I called to make certain he would be up. He has NO problem taking care of his kids. The ONLY reason I am calling back is to ASSURE Mama that all is well.

Mama: "B**, B** it is okay, I've got the phone, you can hang up, it's okay."

Poor Mama - Daddy intimidates us so much. I told Mama last night -- that Daddy needs to stop before D***** is much older because not only is J**** an influence on him but all little boys look up to their Grand-Daddy. Mama acts like she had no clue that Red had been bringing Daddy whiskey to drink.

So this morning. I take the boy to their house. Daddy is all fine and dandy, no problems. When leaving -- I hug and kiss the Son, and tell him to be a good boy for Granny and Grand-Daddy today. I look at Mama and Daddy and ...

I say: Ya'll be good too.

Daddy just looks at me -- I say this a lot to them and they just smile. But this morning,

Daddy says: What do you mean?

I tell him: just what I said. Be good today.

Daddy: What the hell is that supposed to mean?

I said: it means You and Red best be good! NOW do you know what I mean?

Sis knows what face I'm talking about -- I gave him the look -- The look that Daddy makes. The face where the brow is wrinkled and one eye is squinched and the mouth is taut. I think it is a scowl. Picture it?

I can't do the Mama bulldog face like Sis can.

So anyway -- I just wish I could talk to him. That non-communication with Daddy really bothers me.

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J****'s take on the whole thing. Of this I am kind of proud.

"Ya know -- if your Daddy hadn't been drunk,

• your mama wouldn't have been stressed,
• he would have had no problem sitting with the Son,
• I could have gotten some sleep,
• you wouldn't have had to go through all of this.

Now I understand more about how alcohol affects more people than the alcoholic. It is aggravating like you said. I'm sorry."

I guess all things happen for a reason. Hmmmm.
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Jill -- I go see my counselor on Groundhog's day.

I Should Have My Ass Kicked

Got my W-4 in the mail today. So I started doing my taxes.
Let me preface or make excuses first. When I am depressed, I mean real depressed, I slack. I slack on taking my medication, I slack on cleaning the house, I slack on my appearance, I gain weight, I eat to make myself happy and to feel loved, I slack on balancing my checkbook, and I slack on keeping records. Slackard I am.

I blame myself, this is major folks -- cause I really want to blame J**** and his alcoholism for our financial mess, and my disorganized state. I won't say it played a part, but...

But what you say? I am much more capable than that. As I have said before, I am one hell of a woman, but I haven't been this past year. Doing the taxes - last year and the year before all I had to do was pull up the "handy-dandy notebook" and there were my running totals for all of my itemized deductions, health, contributions, blah, blah, blah. Well now I have to call around and try to recreate this crap - because I didn't keep my checkbook balanced and I didn't keep my running totals.

So - I should have my ass kicked as my Daddy would say. I haven't been all that and a bag of chips -- as my boss used to say about me.

Other reasons I should have my ass kicked...

1. Not taking my Prozac -- without it I am impatient. This is horrible to say but for this I need someone to make me take it. When I had the flu - J**** would fill a glass of water, unwrap the Tamiflu tablet and say here take this. I guess he's going to have to do the same thing with my Prozac. I'm ashamed to say -- I can't make myself take it everyday. Even though I know that I need it. I'm ashamed that I can't shake that need for it. Guess it's a depression thing.
2. My bills are in arrears and this past year J****'s Kia Sportage was repossessed. I can't blame it on him not working. I budgeted for years and had less money coming in than we did this past year. Our expense to income ratio was better this year. We shouldn't be in arrears, we shouldn't have had a repossession. We should be doing fine. I just couldn't do it. I can't face those bills. I lived beyond my means. I was a slackard and spent too much money on fast food instead of preparing home cooked meals. I should have done better.
3. Even though I have quit smoking I weigh way to much. I don't feel good. My ankles hurt, my knees hurt, and it hurts to swallow when I eat. My extremities tingle, I am exhausted. I need to take care of myself.
4. I had a wonderful psychologist that I was seeing. She saw me for what I am, and I didn't like hearing those things about me. I quit going to see her. I still need her, but I quit.
5. I started the divorce procedures in April. Borrowed a lot of money from my mom/dad. The divorce is still pending. J**** has for now done everything that I have asked him to do. He is clean and sober and he is working. It has been 41 days. Should I have my ass kicked for staying?

I need help. I just don't know what kind of help. I wouldn't have thought it but I am completely burnt out on taking care of everyone and everything. I need someone to kick in and make me. I will be kicking and screaming. Yes, I need to have my ass kicked.
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This is my 100th post. So here's 100 roses to share with ya'll.

We had a snow day today and there wasn't even an inch of snow - hehehe that's Kentucky for ya. Stayed home with the kids, and had the neighbor child too. Worked and entertained them. We crafted and we danced, while trying to stay really quiet so J**** could sleep cause third shift is hard adjusting.

Forty Hour Week for a Living...

We're not saying this Bud's for you. But this pat on the back is for you.

J**** got called for his new job today and starts tonight.

In the past he has used working as an excuse to drink. He would say that after a long hard day at work, it is a reward to sit down with a beer. So I gave him this lecture today.

After a long day's work you need to decide what do you deserve -- a drink -- or the privilege of coming home to your family. If you drink -- you lose the privilege of your family. You are working for yourself and this family -- what is your reward for a hard days work? -- three smiling faces or an ice cold Bud Light? He said -- that is a no-brainer three smiling faces.



Adding a few things I forgot to say:

This is a real job with W4's - no under the table cash, no working with buddies, no seasonal, no depending on the weather. A job with an ID badge, a time card, and attendance policies. A job you take a drug test for and he passed it -- no cheating, no stuff to clean you out, no one peeing in the cup for ya -- he's stoked.

He says -- yippee, a natural high.

Proud Mommy!!!

F**** had this in her back pack today. I thought it was great and was real proud of how much she has learned in first grade. I don't remember being able to do all of this when I was six. Her teachers have done an amazing job. She's kind of smart too (I'm not partial). I translated for those of you who don't read six year old.

Fish have gills, fish swim.

If you get a fish. Put it in a fish tank and feed it twice a week.

Fish need water. If a fish is out of water they will die.

Most fish swim in ponds Big fish live in salt water.

Some fish need salt water. Some fish don't need salt water.

So, this is What Normal Feels Like?

I may be able to get used to this.


Friday - we sat around and didn't do much at all, just enjoyed our children and the company of family.

Saturday - we tackled a project that we had been putting off for ever. We went through toys -- 2 paper boxes full of McDonald's toys (that is horrible). One industrial trash bag full of trash. A lot of recyclables. One industrial trash bag full of stuffed animals, we will go through and make them choose which one's to keep - the rest go. One industrial trash bag half full of baby dolls - same as stuffed animals. J**** also cleaned the utility room, and I cleaned G*****'s closet. All in all - toys are organized, each kid has designated toy areas in their room, and we have come to the conclusion - they are very spoiled and have way to much stuff. G***** had a Daisy Scout function that night. Now I will be looking for a bunkbed.

Today - we got up, ate breakfast drank coffee. Got a call - someone was having domestic problems and alcohol or drugs seemed to be in the mix. I realized it felt good to not be in that situation. No drama for me today. Wow - did I just say no? We were getting ready for church, but due to the ice they postponed it until this afternoon. J**** fixed lunch, the kids have played, the son has napped, and J**** has gone to play basketball with buddies (sober buddies). The girls and I baked cookies.

It has all in all been very nice.

I've had a couple of episodes where I was ashamed of myself for losing my patience and feeling jealous over his time to go play basketball and get away. I communicated this to him and he said that I can go do things that I want. I just haven't felt comfortable with his drinking history to leave my three with him for an extended period of time. This is something I will have to get over to have some time for me, that will be hard until I trust his sobriety.

That sounds so selfish. Me, me, me, me, me. I forgot who she was. Think I'll take a nap - the boy seems to have a fever and he needs some snugglin'. Then I'll get up - cook a big supper, bathe the three, put them to bed and J**** and I will work on the budget.

We are starting to be boring -- Cool.

We are Big on Holding Grudges in this Family

Mt 18:21 Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? 22 Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.

We have a tendency to always remember (by the way did you know that no-where does the Bible say to forgive and to forget) the ills that someone has done and no matter how hard they strive to do better, it sticks in the back of our minds and stews. Growing up I was taught not to mention it, not to talk about it, so I just stuck it in the back of my head and it stewed. Well when that pot began to boil it became -- for me -- resentment or grudges "I'm done with him", "I'll show her." Both very unhealthy. For me I have a harder time with resentment.

So back to what I was doing -- working on my own personal feelings/issues. Again, here's some stuff I read with my commentary in orange and stuff that stuck out in my head bolded. You can click on the headings for each and it will take you to the website where I found the article.

"Bad things happen to everyone. Some people are able to release emotions easily. Others find they are holding feelings such as grudges and anger. When these unexpressed feelings build up, they become resentment."


"I no longer feel resentment towards any of them."
This came from one of those spiritual sites dealing with dharma and stuff like that, but the words were calming to me. Ooohhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

The teaching is that we can truly begin to love only when we give up our resentments.

I think of anger as being like thunder - when it is present you know it is there, and your attention is drawn to it. Resentment, however, is like water seeping into the beams. It is quiet, easily ignored, and insidious. I feel it seething in the back of my head, whenever someone who has wronged me continues a behavior, or if they ask me for assistance that I feel they do not deserve. It may be unnoticed until the beams rot and the house collapses. The resentment that I feel turns into the thunder like anger here lately. Where something just pops into my realization and I look at J**** and wonder how could you have done that to us? My main resentment strangely enough is not the alcoholism, but the fact that he does not work. He is looking for work, but in the years that we have been together, he has not held a steady job. Then when he looks at me and asks me to make myself uncomfortable to get something for him, or tells me he is tired, I blow up. This is my main resentment at this time.

In our daily life resentments are born when another person, even someone we are close to, acts in ways which we believe harm us or others, and we hold it against them. And continue to hold it against them, cherishing our spite. Cherishing, wow, what a way of looking at spite. We cherish happy moments, we cherish heirlooms, pictures of a baby's smile, and we cherish spite? That is sick - spite makes us happy? Yep, I guess in some strange way, it does. Implicitly we attribute to them a "self" that intends to hurt others. They, or at least part of them, then become the enemy, someone, or something, separate from us.

If we are not mindful of the resentments in us, if we don't learn how to reverse the process, deconstructing the evil "selves" we have created for others, the resentments grow and cause suffering both for ourselves and for those we resent. When I have my outbursts of anger, I say hurtful things to him. Instead of dealing with the resentments with anger I need to use these rules that I found at another site.

These are some rules that will help:

* never hit anyone to express your anger, no matter what the cause
* try to deal with your anger as soon as it is appropriate
* address the current situation, not the whole history of conflict
* express your anger in terms of how you feel
* do not put the other person down and
* try to come up with helpful suggestions for the future

For me, the teachings on letting go of our resentments are one of the greatest gifts of mindfulness practice. To let go of our resentments means to live without the desire to get even or to punish. It frees us to love fully.

Letting go of our resentments, however, doesn't mean to let go of our common sense or wisdom. It doesn't mean to not protect ourselves and others from physical and emotional harm. It simply means to let go of the stories we are constantly creating in which we attribute to others (and ourselves) evilness, meanness, or other inherent negative characteristics. Rather than the stories, we rely more on our eyes of compassion. We become more sensitive to the ignorance and suffering that underlies destructive (or self-destructive) behavior. Phew, pretty powerful stuff.
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Learning to let go

Choosing to let go of anger is something only you can do for yourself, not for your partner. It's never a guarantee that the relationship will improve, but it's a guarantee that - in time - you'll start feeling better. After I act out on my resentfulness, then I am remorseful and feel guilty.

It's important to remind yourself that you're not necessarily letting your partner off the hook or forgetting what happened. You're letting go of the anger for your benefit, no one else's. Just like his sobriety, he has to do it for himself. You can't make other people happy, until you yourself are happy.

Once the process has started, you may feel clearer about what you want to do about your relationship. You may have renewed energy to work at it, or you might decide that too much has happened and it's time to call it a day.
No one's pretending that letting go of anger is quick or easy, but as you gradually feel the resentment slipping away you'll find it easier to enjoy other aspects of your life and begin to see the future in a new light.
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10 Steps to letting go of resentment.

1. Approach resentment as the addictive state of mind it is. There's that addictive word again, first drama, now resentment.
2. Realize that you are using resentment to replicate your family drama and maintain a connection with those dramas, a necessary acknowledgment before you can let them go. Ahhhhh, that makes sense.
3. Examine how your resentment may come from mentally confusing people in your present life with people in your past. No J**** is not my daddy, repeat after me, J**** is not your father.
4. Acknowledge that you cannot control those who have rejected you.
5. Recognize that your resentment gives you only illusions of strength. Instead, highlight and validate your real strength and power. It does make you feel powerful and like you are back in charge when you act on the resentment, I feel refreshed, he feels worthless, then we both feel like crap afterwards.
6. Learn to identify the signals that provoke resentment.
7. Practice cognitive behavioral techniques to stop indulging in resentment. Put a thought ???? between your feelings of resentment and indulging in ruminating about them. Think before you speak. Like we learned in Bible school, the smallest yet most devastating muscle in your body is the tongue. You can do more damage with your words, than with your physical power.
8. Acknowledge your part in allowing the abuse to occur, forgive yourself for that, and make a decision to not let it occur again. As I have learned in al-anon and through my counselor, it is not my fault, and I can set boundaries, my boundary is I WILL NOT LIVE WITH HIM IF HE IS AN ACTIVE USER/DRINKER.
9. Declare an amnesty - with your family and with yourself.
10. Forgive when you can, and practice willful and deliberate forgetfulness when you cannot, keeping in mind that these acts are gifts to yourself rather than capitulation to those whom you resent.

Sounds like I need to grow up. I've been asking J**** to change and to grow up. But, I have a lot of growing up to do also. Yes, I am a responsible person, I am a dependable person, but I am not very sensible at times. This resentment/grudge holding thing is big in our family. I can think of others who are bad about it also. The resentment makes you bitter, then hard hearted. This makes for a miserable person. This is something I need to work on so that I can grow as an individual, be a good example to my three, and to move on in my life.

I like the parts about letting go of the resentment for your own self, for your own piece of mind. This isn't for him or whomever you are angry at, it doesn't mean that it is forgotten, it means that you have gotten over it. BUT, it also doesn't mean that you will be forgiving (Forgiveness -- Now that's a whole other issue) of the same actions in the future or that you will allow yourself to be placed in that situation again. Thanks for listening. It feels good to get back to being introspective.

Kristen,
I agree, in fact I believe I have said the same thing in several of my previous posts.

What the Heck -- I'll respond...

I concur with my sister. Emotional abuse is the worst.

This is short and sweet because I'm busy and have better things to do today.

• G - has a 100 day project to work on.
• I have to work.
• F - has homework.
• They got their progress reports today.

This article defines four types of abuse in question - click here. If I'm reading it correctly - my children don't fall into any of these areas.

• "Physical neglect occurs when a child's needs for food, clothing, shelter, cleanliness, medical care and protection from harm are not adequately met. "
• "Emotional neglect occurs when a child's need to feel loved, wanted, safe and worthy is not met." - Not us.
• "Child sexual abuse occurs when a child is used for sexual purposes by an adult or adolescent." - Not us
• "Physical abuse is the deliberate application of force to any part of a child's body, which results or may result in a non-accidental injury." - Not us.
• "Emotional abuse involves an attack on a child's sense of self."

I don't think I like the term abuse and I honestly thing it has been misused in both the comments and in my blog posts in the past.

My children, when J**** is an active alcoholic, live a life similar, yet honestly not as extreme as the one that I lived growing up, and I really am not that bad, in fact I'm one hell of a woman. My dad was actually worst than J****.

I as an adult and in retrospect would spit in the face of anyone that even insinuated that my father ever in any way abused me.

So why am I so f'd up? Name me one person who isn't?

If I had married a sober man with a job and he turned out to be a workaholic - do I divorce him because he neglects our children and doesn't spend time with them or me. How many people have you heard complain that Daddy or Mommy messed me up because they didn't pay any attention to me? Mine get plenty of attention.

If I had married a preacher man and he turned out to be conservative and unswaying and very strict. Do I divorce him for his emotional neglect? Mine live in a home where we discuss issues and their insight and ideas are taken into consideration.

My mother says my PopawJ rarely told his children that he loved them or showed them any affection, but he is the greatest man that we all knew. Should Granny have divorced him for this neglect of his children? Hmmmmm.

Where do we draw the line between abuse and chalking it up to LIFE? No child will have a perfect childhood. Please don't take the stance of the liberal types that allow our adults to blame their childhoods and say that Mommy/Daddy didn't let me play football so I was abused. Daddy drank, so I'm a mass murderer. Pshaw! No excuse.

J**** is a much better daddy than a husband, employee, or friend. He has an alcohol addiction - that I can't live with when he is active. He is a much better daddy than a whole lot of so-called men that I know who are not alcoholics, as I say about my ex-husband, "It is a shame, but he was an ass-hole without alcohol or drugs. At least with J**** he needs the alcohol to give him the courage to pretend to be an ass-hole."

Hope I haven't made anyone mad - we may be estranged, but he is still the father of my children and they are half-him.

What do you expect?

I am a very patient person.

I am a very introspective person.

I am a very thick skinned person. But some things just piss me off, some things keep me lying in bed at night thinking is that really the impression that someone has of me and my family? Some things just aggravate me and make me wonder what response something is supposed to get?

Anonymous --

I appreciate your concern, I think I understand the intent to remind me not to forget the bad stuff that has happened. But, blogland is open to the world and well, I don't like the impression that your comment gives the world.

My children are not physically abused. They are however spoiled rotten. Yes, in previous posts I have stated that they have been afraid of their father when he was drinking and that he plays too rough and he yells a lot. I do not recall posting at anytime him threatening them in any way when drinking, me yes, them no. My father was the same, no justification for it happening, but just a fact. He'd hurt mama (rarely) but never me. J**** would hurt or kill himself (I am married to him, and I do know his soul) before he would lay a hand in anger on any child, let alone our own. When the law was called on J**** the police asked me if I wanted an EPO - I said what would I need to do? The officer asked, "Are you afraid of him?" He asked the children, "Are you afraid of him?" The answer is no on all accounts.

My children have NOT been told to lie about their home situation. They have been taught by both myself and J**** to be very open about their feelings, to understand that there are figures of authority that they can discuss their feelings with if they are upset at mommy or daddy. I have posted before that both F**** and G**** have told their teachers (both of which have talked to me about J****'s alcholism and one of which is an active member of al-anon), both have talked to the school counselor. I have encouraged them to do so. J**** has encouraged them to talk to their grandmothers, and aunts. If anything, my children may be too open, if there is such a thing. Their teachers and counselors, and one aunt reads this blog. I despise those who lie and have taught them that lying is wrong. They should NEVER be afraid to tell the truth and no one should ever take that right to tell the truth from them, not their parents, not their teachers, no adult, child, or other peer. They are free to say what they feel, what has happened to them, etc.

You said: "I'm done with him. It's his problem to solve." He knows, and I know, anyone who knows anything about addictions knows that it is up to the addict to solve his own problem and no one can do it for him.

Honestly, it doesn't matter if you are done with him. Actually, if you really want to be done with someone -- that someone should be me. He is an addict -- this is not an excuse, it is a fact -- addicts do what addicts do until something in them clicks and they change. However, I'm supposedly the rational one, I'm the one reaching out to the world, I'm the one that has sought out counseling, I'm the one on medication, I'm the one reading, researching and being introspective, but in everyone's opinion -- I still don't get it. So, who should you get fed up with? The one who is sick and is just doing what an addict innately does or the one that keeps floundering using her good nature, patience, and God as an excuse.

Okay, I feel better now. 'Nough said on that -- water under the bridge -- new day.
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Dr. Jeckyl and Mrs. Hyde

This weekend was great but I swear I think I'm starting to be bipolar. I just may need to go to the doctor or something. One minute life is good everything and everyone happy, then something just triggers me and I'm screaming at the whole lot of them, no patience, calling J**** names, belittling him, the oldest child telling me I am mean. All of this over nothing that amounts to a hill of beans. Three days off of work, the house for the most part is clean, we have movies to watch, nothing in particular to do -- I just felt claustrophobic, tense, and irritable. But, like living with Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde - it would go away as quick as it came and I'd be sweet and loving, nurturing and playful. With all of them... I was pretty scary this weekend. I owe them all an apology. Guess I need to read up on this and go see the doc.

For those of you wondering -- he made it through the poker temptations and is still clean AND sober. This is what we did that night... the Chicken Dance, the Macarena, the ChaCha Slide, and the Hokey Pokey which was very fun and I imagine the neighbors thought we had all gone nuts.

Thanks all.

I Want to Trust Him=I Don't Trust Him

Been reading some more. I'm trying to sort out my feelings of trust, loyalty, lies, behavioral patterns. J**** says people change. But ...

Again, orange is my thoughts - feelings.



Here's some stuff I ran across.
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"I want to trust him" reads "I don't trust him" in my language. I love this quote. I ran across a forum where the statement I want to trust him was made and this was one of the great comments. That is me right now. I think we all want the fairy tale, happily ever after ending, but what, really, are the odds?

The Female Partner of the Male Alcoholic @
http://www.bma-wellness.com/addictions/Alcohol.html
"Abstinence may be as hard or even harder than drinking for the alcoholic because it reveals so many problems that were obscured by the family’s focus on alcohol. Denial remains as strong as ever as the family has to face the harsh realities of delusion, illusion and collusion that have dominated its reality during drinking and that are now revealed during the period of abstinence. In many families, the entire family system has been organized by alcoholism. Not every couple will or, for their own personal health should survive recovery. (Brown,1999). This particular sentence was phenomenal... read on. This could be a time of tremendous personal growth for all individuals involved or it could turn out to be a period of decline. For me here recently it has been a time of decline, I don't like me right now. I am not a very nice person. It is this author’s contention that the approach for the female partner is as important in examination as that of the alcoholic himself. In my words...for over two years he has been drinking after a period of sober alcoholism. In those two years we have had a third child, two children have started school, responsibilities changed, individuals have grown, resentment has built up. Even without the drugs and alcohol one may find that the relationship is beyond repair.

This next excerpt is from a forum where I found a recovering alcoholic questioning why his wife could not trust him. This is a blunt response from another recovering alcoholic.

That's the problem; you only really care about your own agenda ("These people!"), and yet it's everyone else's job to make it easy for you. He's saying -- why should she, that would just be making it easy for you. More enabling? The notion of other's making it easy for you, kind of sounds like J****.

That is NOT recovery - that is being a sober alcoholic. To rejoin the human race, which you chose to leave, YOU must make sacrifices, YOU must make it easy for those you tortured. We tend to tiptoe around the recovering alcoholic. Aren't they the one's that are supposed to seek forgiveness from the one's that they harmed? I like the term sober alcoholic too. Like tonight J**** is at a poker game and there will be drinking at the game. That is real life. Yes, it would be easier to withdraw from society and never be around alcohol, but life goes on whether you do or not and he is doing something he enjoys & yes, it is hard to trust him tonight because of the past.

Yes, both will need to change; but it's the alcoholic who must change first, as they are the ones who have caused the breakdown in the first place. As the Mother-in-law says, "It takes two."

Often, the partner has had enough, and does not want to change. And why should they? Amen. Why should they take a risk, when they've lived with lies and deceit and mental torture for years? Preach on, brother. :O)

How, pray tell, are they supposed to know that this time it's for real? Yep

OF COURSE it's not easy; and the alcoholic who is really ready for change deserves a bloody medal for courage and persistence. But HOW DARE YOU put the blame on those who tried, time after time to help - and are still there after all that. Be grateful they'll even talk to you, because no law says they have to. This guy has a grasp on reality. Trust has to be earned and it cannot be earned over night. He summed it all up greatly.

Another passage from this site:
http://www.bma-wellness.com/addictions/Alcohol.html

Recovery at its simplest and indeed in its essence is about nothing more or less than the recovery of life itself. It is about getting back something of value(life), not merely giving up something that is strongly desired(addiction). For addiction, which seems to be the friend and even the enhancer of life, is in reality its deadliest and most incorrigible adversary. Addiction by its very nature is a form of bondage, even slavery (L. addictere, to be bound to another). Recovery is the recovery of life and of freedom. I've heard alcoholics, J****, my ex-brother-in-law, say why do you want to change us, you knew we were that way when you met us, let us be, let us be free to do what we want...stop setting up boundaries, blah, blah, blah. Well, we aren't the one's enslaving you, we were trying to hand you the key.

Recovery, in other words, is about increase, addition, augmentation, expansion, health and growth - not, as it invariably seems to the addicted individual, about subtraction, diminution, decrease and even a form of living death(life lacking any meaning once the addiction is taken away, &etc.). It is about liberation and freedom from the progressively totalitarian and constricting demands of addiction. I think the words that I have bolded in this paragraph sum this paragraph up. Reread just the bold. This passage is for both J**** and I. My addiction to the drama, and his to the alcohol or drugs.
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I spoke of the addiction to the drama in my last post.

He's not home, it is 9:00 pm and he left at 3:00 pm. Got that adrenaline rush. Wondering, what is he doing? Is he telling the truth? The wiggly feeling in the stomach. Where is the trust? Does he deserve the trust? What a rush...yep, sick.

Are You or Your Partner Addicted to Drama?

Okay -- I was going to sit down today and think about my addiction to the addict. So I googled it... this says it all. Yep, it's kind of sick but that adrenaline rush sorta does it for me...

Here's where I found this article: Are You or Your Partner Addicted to Drama?

Anything in orange is my commentary -- I bolded stuff that hits home too.

We are all familiar with chemical addictions to intoxicating substances such as alcohol or cocaine. Sex, work and internet use are also frequently mentioned as aspects of life that can be used addictively. The least recognized addiction in our society, however, may be the addiction to drama which manifests in so many relationships. While drama is a legitimate category of cinema and theater, as an addictive process in relationships it refers to an ongoing dysfunctional need to continually recreate unsafe and unhealthy emotional intensity in one's relationships.

What is the attraction to drama? The drama addict is hooked on the adrenaline rush of relationships and people that appear wildly exciting in their intensity. But don't confuse these ''exciting'' qualities with love: lots of intense conflict, punctuated with yelling, screaming, throwing things, as well as verbal and physical abuse; frequent dramatic breakups and passionate makeups; ongoing lying and cheating; withholding of truth; betrayal of trust; emotional and/or physical affairs; spying on each other; poor or non-existent boundaries; and racing from the height of ecstasy to the pit of despair in an out-of-control emotional roller coaster. (After my divorce from my first husband I thought deeply about the situation, he started hitting me when we were dating, I left him, dated a preacher man, good man. BORING!!!! I went back to D*** and the adrenaline rush of wondering what is going to happen tonight. Yep Sick. BUT, after the divorce and the analyzing, I married him because he wouldn't go away and I couldn't make him go away, I never did love him.)

Drama addiction is so supported and even honored in our media that it has become transparent for many people. Portrayals of relationships in the movies and soap operas often involve a degree of lying, deception, affairs and general dysfunction in far greater proportion than exists in real lives. And nowhere is this expressed more blatantly than on talk shows, often seen as the lowest common denominator of sensationalistic programming.

We had a fascinating glimpse into the inner world of television talk shows last year when we were invited to be expert guests on a national talk show that was to discuss healthy ways for couples to handle infidelity. We made it clear that we would not participate in a sensationalistic show and we were reassured repeatedly that this would be a quality show where issues about infidelity would be discussed in a healthy manner. We were briefed ahead of time about the guests scheduled to appear on the show and felt comfortable with the setup. Once we were in the studio, however, the host and producer of the show kept changing the format and even changing the guests. And just two minutes before we were to go on, we were informed of a ''slight change'' whereby the entire show was totally changed, resulting in the exact kind of sensationalistic show we said we wouldn't be part of. We ended up walking off the show, much to the consternation of the producer, who tried in vain to manipulate us through guilt, intimidation and even verbal abuse into staying and doing the show.

In the meantime, we felt betrayed and lied to. Not even one part of what we were told ahead of time was part of the actual show that aired. Out on the street, we came upon an angry group of ''guests'' who never appeared on the actual show, though they were all told they would be. We and all the other guests had willingly participated in an unhealthy dramatic relationship, lured by the promise of our 15 minutes of fame. And when it was over, everyone felt cheap and used, angry and empty.

This is precisely what happens in relationships characterized by drama addiction. People in these relationships have very little capacity for empathic sharing and selfless companionship, both of which are essential qualities in genuine love. Dramatic love relationships are essentially self-serving and when the person can no longer supply the necessary ''high,'' they are abandoned. (J**** has been clean and sober for one month and I have been extremely mean to him, downright ugly. Where, I should be proud and assuring, motivating him in his sobriety, but where's the drama? I need a fix. Yep, sick.) In the end, the people involved feel isolated, alone, their emotional needs unmet. But they quickly move on, to find the next trigger for their addiction and to distract and numb themselves from the pain and emptiness inside. (From a physically abusive relationship to an alcoholic.)

When someone feels a need to continually create drama in their lives and relationships, this is often a compensation for an underlying emptiness or depression in their lives. (I'm supposed to be on Prozac -- reminds me -- I promised J**** I would go back to taking them today.) Often such people have not yet connected with their true life purpose or inner aliveness. In fact, they may only feel alive when they get that familiar adrenaline rush that lets them know they have created another messy situation. Other people who create dramatic relationships may have successfully dealt with other addictions and have transferred their need for excitement and intensity to relationships.

If you recognize yourself as a drama addict, examine the types of relationships you have created in the present and past. Did you mistake intensity or need or lust or drama for love? What did you do to promote the drama? How did you handle conflict in yourself and your partner? What information did you withhold? What provoking remarks or behavior did you engage in?

If you come from drama in your family, your brain is preset to resonate with feelings of chemistry and infatuation with someone from a similar background. Once you understand that what you thought was love is really drama addiction, your journey of healing and path to genuine love can begin. Slow down and de-intensify your next relationship. Be honest with yourself and your partner. Recognize that true love is not a consistently intense feeling but rather a series of actions, hundreds and thousands of small repeated kindnesses, many of which may not be as dramatic or intoxicating as running out of your home and slamming the door at 3 am during a fight. But the cumulative effect of these repeated kindnesses is a powerful, deep, reciprocal loving connection, where you can truly get - and give - the love your heart most deeply yearns for. And that is ultimately the most exciting love of all.

Sounds NICE and BORING!!!! Guess I need to go back to BHP (my Counselor) and work on me some more. Hmmmmm -- sometimes being introspective sucks when you realize that some things are your fault too. Hmmmmm -- so I'm not perfect after all. Hmmmmm...

The Old Farmer's Almanac & J Turns 30

The Old Farmer's Almanac is a cool resource -- mainly used by -- Old Farmer's.

Anyway...

When I quit smoking back in November -- I went to the "Best Days" Chart and it suggested the best day to stop smoking would be on November 12. I'm still smoke free. Well, today is the day for starting a diet to lose weight. So -- why not -- it's the new year and if you go look at Sis' blog -- she's lost 4.4 pounds. Can't let her outdo me now. hehehehe

No -- I've been planning this for a while, my back hurts, my knees hurt, my ankles hurt. It hurts my knees to go up the stairs, it hurts my ankles to go down the stairs, it hurts my lower back to move from a sitting or lying down position. I'd imagine with the excess weight on me -- if I was a knee, ankle, or back -- I'd hurt too. Since, I've stopped smoking, I've gained at least 10 pounds. Now I have acid reflux really bad, so I had better take better care of myself. Got three purty young'ns to raise -- I need to stay healthy and strong to wrassle that boy I got - cuz he's a handful. Sorry, farmer's git me talkin' all suthern n stuff.

Now you may be asking -- where do they come up with this stuff. Well, the Babylonians worshipped the stars and were the first astrologers -- so I guess this is all heathen stuff, but anyway's my mother-in-law swears by it, my Papaw said it works -- so... why not?

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Happy Birthday to You!!!!

On 1-11-1977, on a very snowy day, J**** was born at 10:00 on the dot. Not one minute before, not one minute after. Very fast labor, he was in a hurry and they barely made it to the delivery room.

Three weeks clean and sober today!!! Proud of ya. -- Correction four weeks.

He goes for a job interview on Monday and hopefully begins at a factory here in our town, third shift sometimes next week. This is the first time since we've been together in April of 1999 that he can honestly say that HE by himself, without cleansing solutions, or using another person's urine (yuck), can pass a drug piss test.

He has gone to church with us the last two Sundays.

He has been helpful around the house.

Right now -- he is Mr. Wonderful and it is his birthday -- so everyone, NO criticisms, pat him on the back. Today is HIS day.

Story about his birthday on January 11, 2000. J**** had received a DUI in the fall of 1999. He had to report to jail on January 12. On January 11 - his birthday, he was to go to the courthouse to meet with the county jailer and pay the fees associated with his work release and to complete his paperwork. When he left the courthouse, he went out the backdoor and it locked behind him. There was extensive construction going on to the structure and the path back to the front door was blocked. J**** had to pee. He has a small bladder. He was sober. He snuck behind a car (remember country folks) and began to pee. Out comes running the police officers -- the car, happened to belong to the Sheriff. He was taken promptly taken to jail for indecent exposure and something else. Kind of comical when you look back on it. My ex-brother-in-law used to keep a copy of the news article on his garage wall for posterity -- "Local Man Urinates on Sheriff's Car." Yep HEADLINES baby. His 15 minutes of fame.

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Just to Answer a Few Questions

J**** asked these questions in his journal and shared it with me. It is referencing my blog. My responses are in orange.

• Why is it that everyone wants to pass judgment on people who have addictions or diseases? The comments on my blog are from individuals that have only heard my side of the story. They have not heard your story, your feelings, your issues in life. They are not passing judgment on you they are taking my side and trying to help me remain strong. I think that if they were responding to you the addict, they would be kinder and more helpful - some still harsh, yes, but hopefully from a neutral point of view. My commenter's are in no way unbiased. They are my readers.
  

• Why is it that they all want to kick on you when you are down? In blogland people can say what they want, when they want, without having to say it to someone's face. People are braver and bolder when anonymous. This is good, because you will (hopefully) get honest and emotional responses from readers. Their responses are based only upon what I have said in my blog. You have told me that you have NOT read my entire blog. Start at the beginning and work your way to the end. Step out of your shoes, forget the author is your wife, then think what sort of hell you'd give yourself. I know you, I know you'd be shaking your head and saying mmm, mmmm, mmmm, how can he do that with all that he has?
  

• Why do they all well most of them hope you fail? I haven't read anywhere where they HOPE that you will fail. They assume that you will fail from your past history and actions. I think they HOPE all will get better so we can have a happy home.

• Then again, why is it that they don't want to help you, but would rather see you fail? Have you responded by commenting? Have you asked them to help? I know two personally that would help - if you are serious, ask.

Here's the rest of what he says:

"Maybe it is because they want you to think you are a no good piece of shit, or that you are a dumbass, or a no good abusive bastard. I am NOT anything like this! I guess I have painted that picture of you. But I have been blatantly honest. I have also mainly put the "bad" stuff in the blog. My goal for the new year was to tell the whole story, good and bad. But I told the good the other day, and WOW. As I've told them before, there are two sides to every story. Tell your side.

I don't understand!

I am trying my hardest and all of these things I have been called or told. I am not perfect by no means but I am trying to do the best I can. They do not know that you have been CLEAN and SOBER for 26 days. Clean and Sober no drugs or alcohol. First time for both at one time in your life. These comments and snide remarks make me so mad. I guess I should not let them bother me, but damn it is so hurtful. Maybe I don't take well to hearing these things said about me. But I guess I brought all of this upon myself because of my past actions. I have told you in the past, sometimes the truth hurts.

Well I don't live in the past now, I live in the future. I am very sorry for what I did in the past, but I can't change what happened then. Believe me if I could I would have changed a lot of the choices I made in life. I am sure we all wish we could change something in our past, but we all know that can't be done. The only thing I know that we can do is make changes in our life to make the future better. Life is full of choices and we all make some bad ones and good ones. I hope there is some people who can help answer these questions I have asked. The only thing I know for sure is that no one can judge me but the all mighty GOD above. There was only one perfect human being that I am aware and I pray to Him every night to help me." I think my readers can accept these statements and will pray with you every night hoping that your decision to become clean and sober is a decision that you have made for you, a decision that you will stick with. As I've told my readers, I have to do what is best for me, before I can do what is best for our family. You have to do what is best for you, before you can do what is best for our family. We both have addictions we have to work on. Only God knows what the future holds for this family.

Jill --
I understand. Thanks and keep me on my toes. ;)

WOW - Ya'll must love me or something.

I really don't know how to start this post!!!!!!!!

I am sorry that my life is so upsetting to so many folk. I refuse to argue with folks posting comments on my blog and I honestly appreciate any and all interest whether it is harsh, sensitive, joking, etc. I don't even delete the SPAM.

But as I said in my last post -- just watch and see. Right now I'm being pretty closed mouth about stuff that is going on in that arena and will continue to be for a bit.


Couple of things to remember:

1) There are two sides to every story -- not an excuse.

2) Yes, I am a drama queen and as Sis who is a recovering drama queen can tell you, things tend to be more intense than they really are when told by the drama queen.

3) As Papaw J*** said, "Every tub has to sit on it's own bottom." Even yours.

4) As the good book says, Matthew 7:3 "And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?"

Just out of curiosity are comments based upon reading a few posts, one post or the entire blog? Start from the beginning and you will understand Sis and I much better if you have not: Mega Conservative Church of Christ, Alcoholic Father, Submissive Mother, and a desire to do God's will.

For me to divorce J**** is for me to no longer be submissive, to go against my church, and to denounce my father. Yes, I may be forty but I'm Daddy's little girl, too. Working my way through with this blog is "revolutionary." No matter how harsh, etc comments are ... I understand it is a way of caring and showing support.

Then there's al-anon. I still haven't decided on it. So many members stay with their alcoholic/addicted partner - because it is a disease.

I know this is rambling, but I guess -- what I'm saying is -- my SIS did make it!! Of her, I am proud.

Other things that I am proud of us about:

1) We have kept our Faith in the Lord, we pray.

2) We have kept our honor, we have not turned ourselves to drugs or alcohol or to sex addictions.

3) People will ask me the question "Do all of your children have the same father?" I am appalled by this question -- Hell YES!!! They are all from the same father. Sis' are too. Is it that mainstream, is a lack of loyalty to a partner or a lack of respect in one's self so common that it is automatically assumed that if you have more than one child you are a brazen woman?

3) We have learned to communicate where we were raised to be closed mouthed.

4) We will not judge you, insult you, or look down on you. We love you.

5) We are not lazy, we are tired.

The list could go on -- but see -- my babies are up and hungry - that's what is important.

God bless you all, keep it coming -- Love you all.

Nay

Answers to Commenters' Questions...

Q - "What ever happened with the hearing/fine/jail thing?"

A - He went before the judge's assistant and she gave him an extension to mid February. There were two guys before him that were on their fourth extension for the fine. This was only J****'s second.

I told him he was darn lucky and I was disappointed because I wanted him to go to jail. I don't understand, they don't ask for a reason, they just say -- oh that's okay. No accountability. In a neighboring county, they give you one year to pay your fine, and NO extensions. If you can't do it in a year -- you ain't planning on doing it at all.

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Comment - "WAKE UP!!!!! posted at 6:57 a.m."

Response - you were a little late, I'd already been up for one hour 27 minutes. hehehehehehehehehe

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Comment - "Ah, the old charm offensive. :("

Response - Yep, but I've called it being Mr. Wonderful - World's Greatest Dad mentality. The house is clean, the clothese are put away, he gets up with us and helps dress the kids, etc, etc. Hey, it just may be an effort to change or A New Year's Resolution for him. But -- remember this post.

"It is a little too late."

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Comment - "They still want you and their dad to be together because you haven't told them the truth about their dad."

Response - I don't understand this comment. They KNOW the truth about their dad. In fact I have said several times how astute they are when it comes to his alcoholism.

I have read books with them about alcoholism, written for children. I have sat down with them and had heart to heart talks with them. I have stayed home from work and kept them home from school after they SAW their Daddy epitomizing a stupid drunk the night before and had a day of discussion and dealing with coping. My Sis had even helped them understand. The only one who doesn't know the truth about their dad is the boy, because he is a bit young to understand. Ms. F**** is ready for Daddy to go. Ms. G**** wants Daddy to stay somewhere else and come visit everyday.

Yes, he is still there, I cannot do anything about that less than physically remove "Mr. Wonderful" from the home. He is in no way endangering us physically, so, no court in these United States is going to make him leave. Charm Offensive -- where better strategically to use that Charm Offensive than the homefront.

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Comment - "Finances are not a proper excuse, plus what the hell is he bringing to the party? Its seems to me that your finances would be in better shape if you dumped his sorry ass."

Response - You reckon -- see paragraph 2 of above response.

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Comment - "And I don't agree at all with the "been married for 50 years, she should have left me a long time ago" pony you trotted out a few days ago."

Response - Huh? am clueless to what you are referencing.

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Comment - "She knows she's addicted, and has chosen not to change. And that's her choice -- no amount of lecturing from her readers or her family members is going to change that. She's weighed the alternatives and has chosen addiction."

Response - Yes and no --

Yes I am addicted. Have been ever since I started the dating scene. Actually left a preacher man, that would have treated me like a queen to return to the physically abusive ex. I know that I am screwed up in the head.

No I AM done. Just haven't been putting a lot of the ins and outs - details, etc here on the blog. It is therapeutic to write about it and I "get over it" when I do -- so for right now -- this is just an insanely silly blog until I am able to let it all out. For right now -- I DON'T want to get over it. Understand? I mean -- I know this is not recommended -- but I have gone off my Prozac just so I WON'T get over it. Which is one reason why I suck at paying bills right now? Guess I should give my check book and bills to Sis and let her be my accountant until I do get over it. Hmmmmm now that's an idea. (Oh yeah -- I did open up a new checking account.)

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Thank you to Guy for his comment and note to J****. J**** still reads this blog and reads each of your comments -- and they hurt him. Guy gave him some hope. He has thought about blogging but is uncomfortable with his spelling ability. I told him there are ways to get around that and if he wants to blog, I'll help him get one set up. It is amazing the blogrolls of recovering alcoholics there are in the blogosphere.

Oh and the van is fixed.

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Comment - "I don't like you calling yourself a bitch. It is such a negative word. AND you are not one. I wish you'd stop. "

RESPONSE - I just reread the definitions -- and this IS me at home. Kind of disappointing I know. But spiteful is a great word.

2. Offensive:
a. A woman considered to be spiteful or overbearing.

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SO -- just watch and see. Divorce court -- last time I spoke with attorney is set for January 25. The Marital Settlement Agreement has been revised and the Deposition upon Written Questions (whatever that is) is done.

Hey in my wildest dreams -- he becomes sober and comes crawling back and we live happily ever after. However, his mom says -- he won't take you back. Whatever.

Ya know -- he and I did have 2 alcohol / drama free years together where we pulled ourselves up from our bootstraps, working together, loving each other, being picture perfect 50's sitcom couple. He tells me we can have that again, he asks, "Give me one more chance and if I screw up I'll leave without you asking, no questions, no fights, I'll just go." My response to him was -- sorry but I can't take that gamble with our kids.

Who woulda thunk that posting a song would get this much conversation going --- WOW.

Heard it on the Radio this morning...

No this post doesn't mean he's drinking. Just a great song that sums it all up...

J**** used this as his anthem when he was dry for over two years in 2002. We heard it this morning and he sang it to me over the phone.



No I ain't had nothing to drink
I knew thats probably what you'd think
If I dropped by this time of night
Remember way back when
I promised you I'd drop in
At one of those meetings down at the Y

Well, they started talkin bout steps you take
Mistakes you make
The hearts you break
And the price you pay
I almost walked away

You could hear a pin drop
When this old man
Stood up and said I'm gonna' say it again
Like I do every week
For those who don't know me

It's the simple things in life
Like the kids at home and a loving wife
That you miss the most, when you lose control
And everything you love starts to disappear
The devil takes your hand and says no fear
Have another shot, just one more beer
Yah, I've been there, that's why I'm here

This ole boy stood up in the aisle
Said he'd been living a life of denial
And he cried as he talked about wasted years
I couldn't believe what I heard
It was my life word for word
And all of the sudden it was clear

It's the simple things in life
Like the kids at home and a loving wife
That you miss the most, when you lose control
And everything you love starts to disappear
The devil takes your hand and says no fear
Have another shot, just one more beer
Yah, I've been there, that's why I'm here

I know for us it may be too late
But it would mean the world to me
If you were there when I stand to say
It's the simple things in life
Like the kids at home and a loving wife
That you miss the most, when you lose control
And everything you love starts to disappear
The devil takes your hand and says no fear
Have another shot, just one more beer
Yah, I've been there, that's why I'm here
Oh, I've been there, that's why I'm here

I'm Poop

CAR TROUBLES

Got the van back today -- it cost $368.95 to fix. I drove it three separate times and the third time -- to pick up my babies, it overheats AGAIN.

I call the garage, and they are going to replace the thermostat on it tomorrow. I would fuss about it not being fixed right the first time, but I read this thing in the mechanic's office that pretty much was right. A doctor goes to school and he costs a whole lot more than a mechanic and only has one model to work on that hasn't changed in 2000 years (the human body). A mechanic has over 700 models and they change every year, they have electronics, vacuum systems, heating and air conditioning..... and you expect them stereotypically your high school drop outs to get it right the first time and to be cheap? So don't complain.

Anyway, I'm driving my mom's car again and trying to be patient.

I'm going to be 40 this year and they are still having to take care of me. I couldn't afford to pay the bill. I can't afford to take care of my babies. I'm poop.

Came home and just fell into J****'s arms crying. I screamed at him, " Why can't you just take care of me?" He said, "I'm trying." In retrospect, I've never let anybody take care of me, but mama and daddy. They are getting old and are on a fixed income. I'm poop.

Hey, maybe I can get rich the redneck way -- the Powerball is up to 100 million.

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J**** LOOKS FOR A JOB

J**** went and talked to a contractor today about a job. The contractor asked him if he had transportation, J**** let him know that he doesn't have a driver's license. He talked to the manager at the store here in town and found out they aren't hiring right now, because it isn't the rush holiday season. I don't know what he's going to do about a job.

On the plus side -- he did walk to the contractor's job site and had a couple of bucks in his pocket. Enough to buy alcohol. But, he didn't. Full moon and all and he didn't. This is a good thing.

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THE DVD CARS

If I have to watch the DVD Cars one more time, I'm going to scream. I can pretty much quote it by now.

Lightning McQueen "Mac, Mac!!!", Truck "I ain't no Mack, I'm a Peterbilt."
Fan, "Dip me in axle grease and call me slick."
Lightning McQueen, "Float like a Cadillac, Sting like a Beamer."
Mater, "He did whut in his cup?"

Sorry, going nuts. But D***** loves it and says, vroom, vroom, watch.

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BUYING A BARBIE AT TARGET

Before Christmas, J**** and I went to Target to do my mother's Christmas Shopping. There were four little girls to buy for, so we bought four fashion Barbie dolls.

At this point we had been to Toys-R-Us, the Mall, and now Target. We were exhausted and I was getting real nutty.

At the cash register, I'm placing the items on the conveyer to check out. Barbie is laying with her head in a downward position in my cart, so all I see is straight up her dress. I say the first thing that comes to mind. "Hey, Barbie is like Britney - she ain't wearin' panties. " The cashier cracks up, J**** cracks up and shakes his head. BUT, the woman in front of me is indignant and offended.

"Well, I just can't believe she just said that, I never, and in public about a child's doll." This woman may have been in her early 50's and I'm 39. Well, the lovely cashier looks at her and says, "Are you her mother?"

I just love life's little moments of justice. Don't you?

A Potpourri of Stuff

NOTE -- gonna try in this new year not to just fuss about stuff that has to do with divorce, J****, and stuff like that. Because my life has so much more to fuss about. So without further adieu -- today's rants.
----------------A NEW BANK ACCOUNT --

Back in 1999 I divorced my first husband, who I found out from J**** (of all people) recently had a stroke or a heart attack. (We're not even 40.) At that time we had an account at the credit union and he had a loan with them. I moved my account to my hometown, and he kept his account and loan at the credit union. He later filed a Chapter 7 bankruptcy. Since I was the "primary member" with the credit union it comes back on me and now the credit union will NOT let me open a new account with them.

Aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhhhhh.

So -- I've fussed and fumed about my money problems, starting today - was going to be a new account, new year, blah, blah, blah and I'm still carrying 1,400 bucks around. I need to pay my mortgage darnit.

I've been divorced from this man since March of 1999 and he is still stressing me out.

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THE VAN AND CHRISTMAS EVE

Christmas Eve 2005 we were going to J****'s mother's for our Christmas Eve celebration. J**** rolls down the window to smoke a cigarette and it will NOT roll back up. So we pull over and place his coat in the door to keep the air from blowing on the babies and freezing them. So we flap down the parkway to his mom's. I know, I know -- shame on us for smoking in the van with the kids in the car.

Christmas Eve 2006, we get home from church, pull into the driveway and steam is rolling out from under the hood and liquid is pouring out underneath. I've been driving my mom's car since and for $400 I get my van back today. I hate being broke. Daddy is going to pay for it. He loves me. I feel like such a mooch.

For $400 they replace a gasket that sits somewhere behind the waterpump. The cost is mostly for labor because of where the silly gasket sits and the way that the motor is placed in the van.

But -- next year on Christmas Eve -- I don't think I will drive the van.

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SMOKING AND KIDS

Okay for those of you who are now fuming about J**** smoking in the van with the kids. Cuz I know there are folks like you out there.

I quit smoking on November 12 and am still NOT smoking (more of me to love now). We never did smoke in the house. But wouldn't I really like to sometimes, oh yeah, I can taste one now, menthol and all.....

ahem...

Confession time: I smoked when I was pregnant with my children. With the first child -- I cut back to one or two cigarettes a day -- I ate steamed vegetables and broiled food. She is the wimpiest child that I have and her immune system sucks. With the second child -- about a 1/2 pack a day and with the boy - full fledged 1 pack a day and greasy, artery clogging, food. His immune system is great. The warning on the pack says that smoking may cause low birth weight. Well, I would hate to see how much mine would have weighed if I didn't smoke. Ms. F**** weighed 8 pounds and 1/4 ounce. I felt that 1/4 ounce.

I'm in no way advocating SMOKING and being pregnant. But stop being so darned self-righteous you ain't perfect either.

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BITCH

In response to a comment -- I want to be a bitch. I know that in reality I am not a bitch, I am a pushover, a sucker, a softy, the spawn of my father who is the biggest softy of the year award winner for 70 years running. If I can convince myself otherwise, maybe I will be a little stronger. Stop, taking my delusions away from me, Sis. hehehe

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STRAIGHT BUT NO WHERE's NEAR CLEAN

The house is straight, it is tidy, it is neat but it is not clean. (Thank you J**** for helping me accomplish that feat.) Do you understand what clean would mean? With three kids, I'd have to ban them from their home to have a clean house.

I watched a show on HGTV about a KCU (Kitchen Crime Unit) and thought -- ewwww. These people went to a person's house, degraded them in front of the world, ran forensics on bacteria, etc. in their kitchen. By the end of the show you would think that Child services would be coming to take the kids away because of staph on a sponge.

It made me realize, there is no way to have a truly clean house.

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TOYS TOYS TOYS

What do you do with old toys? They don't sell well in a yard sale. Charities only want new in a box. I have a room full of toys. This is the next project -- ridding my house of all of these toys.

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GOOGLED MY DAUGHTER'S NAME LAST NIGHT

Well, we were bored. So my daughter and I googled her name. She is six. We saw her name. It looked innocent enough in the Google description of the site. My daughter has the same name as a very large breasted woman that doesn't mind showing herself and her antics to all of the world. Hmmmm. Well, hmmmmm. So what do you say to the six year old?

Then I got to thinking -- OMG in a few years, a little boy may have a crush on my little girl and Google her name. OH NO!!!!! This is what he'll find, and then he'll see those assets, and then he'll remember the name, then he'll think of my daughter, get the keys and lock her up NOW.

I'm in so much trouble when they get to that phase...