Again, orange is my thoughts - feelings.
Here's some stuff I ran across.
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"I want to trust him" reads "I don't trust him" in my language. I love this quote. I ran across a forum where the statement I want to trust him was made and this was one of the great comments. That is me right now. I think we all want the fairy tale, happily ever after ending, but what, really, are the odds?
The Female Partner of the Male Alcoholic @
http://www.bma-wellness.com/addictions/Alcohol.html
"Abstinence may be as hard or even harder than drinking for the alcoholic because it reveals so many problems that were obscured by the family’s focus on alcohol. Denial remains as strong as ever as the family has to face the harsh realities of delusion, illusion and collusion that have dominated its reality during drinking and that are now revealed during the period of abstinence. In many families, the entire family system has been organized by alcoholism. Not every couple will or, for their own personal health should survive recovery. (Brown,1999). This particular sentence was phenomenal... read on. This could be a time of tremendous personal growth for all individuals involved or it could turn out to be a period of decline. For me here recently it has been a time of decline, I don't like me right now. I am not a very nice person. It is this author’s contention that the approach for the female partner is as important in examination as that of the alcoholic himself. In my words...for over two years he has been drinking after a period of sober alcoholism. In those two years we have had a third child, two children have started school, responsibilities changed, individuals have grown, resentment has built up. Even without the drugs and alcohol one may find that the relationship is beyond repair.
This next excerpt is from a forum where I found a recovering alcoholic questioning why his wife could not trust him. This is a blunt response from another recovering alcoholic.
That's the problem; you only really care about your own agenda ("These people!"), and yet it's everyone else's job to make it easy for you. He's saying -- why should she, that would just be making it easy for you. More enabling? The notion of other's making it easy for you, kind of sounds like J****.
That is NOT recovery - that is being a sober alcoholic. To rejoin the human race, which you chose to leave, YOU must make sacrifices, YOU must make it easy for those you tortured. We tend to tiptoe around the recovering alcoholic. Aren't they the one's that are supposed to seek forgiveness from the one's that they harmed? I like the term sober alcoholic too. Like tonight J**** is at a poker game and there will be drinking at the game. That is real life. Yes, it would be easier to withdraw from society and never be around alcohol, but life goes on whether you do or not and he is doing something he enjoys & yes, it is hard to trust him tonight because of the past.
Yes, both will need to change; but it's the alcoholic who must change first, as they are the ones who have caused the breakdown in the first place. As the Mother-in-law says, "It takes two."
Often, the partner has had enough, and does not want to change. And why should they? Amen. Why should they take a risk, when they've lived with lies and deceit and mental torture for years? Preach on, brother. :O)
How, pray tell, are they supposed to know that this time it's for real? Yep
OF COURSE it's not easy; and the alcoholic who is really ready for change deserves a bloody medal for courage and persistence. But HOW DARE YOU put the blame on those who tried, time after time to help - and are still there after all that. Be grateful they'll even talk to you, because no law says they have to. This guy has a grasp on reality. Trust has to be earned and it cannot be earned over night. He summed it all up greatly.
Another passage from this site:
http://www.bma-wellness.com/addictions/Alcohol.html
Recovery at its simplest and indeed in its essence is about nothing more or less than the recovery of life itself. It is about getting back something of value(life), not merely giving up something that is strongly desired(addiction). For addiction, which seems to be the friend and even the enhancer of life, is in reality its deadliest and most incorrigible adversary. Addiction by its very nature is a form of bondage, even slavery (L. addictere, to be bound to another). Recovery is the recovery of life and of freedom. I've heard alcoholics, J****, my ex-brother-in-law, say why do you want to change us, you knew we were that way when you met us, let us be, let us be free to do what we want...stop setting up boundaries, blah, blah, blah. Well, we aren't the one's enslaving you, we were trying to hand you the key.
Recovery, in other words, is about increase, addition, augmentation, expansion, health and growth - not, as it invariably seems to the addicted individual, about subtraction, diminution, decrease and even a form of living death(life lacking any meaning once the addiction is taken away, &etc.). It is about liberation and freedom from the progressively totalitarian and constricting demands of addiction. I think the words that I have bolded in this paragraph sum this paragraph up. Reread just the bold. This passage is for both J**** and I. My addiction to the drama, and his to the alcohol or drugs.
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I spoke of the addiction to the drama in my last post.
He's not home, it is 9:00 pm and he left at 3:00 pm. Got that adrenaline rush. Wondering, what is he doing? Is he telling the truth? The wiggly feeling in the stomach. Where is the trust? Does he deserve the trust? What a rush...yep, sick.
5 comments:
Nay,
The last two posts have been great, you really seem to be trying to work through this in your head.
Alcoholics are the ones in the relationship that must do the brunt of the work, especially in the at first.
The question coming from J,or someone in J's position,may be...How long until you just get over it? How long until you trust me?
The answer is...until. You need to work at it until, you need to show her you want to change, until. Just because you are being given another chance gives you no right to expect things to blow over.
You can do it, Nay. You can make it through this, and maybe it will end up with this working, maybe not. Who can tell yet? But, just keep doing what your doing, realize that you have to be smart, and right now, think with your head, not so much your heart.
I am thinking about you.
Great post. It's powerful to read the brutal honesty from another recovering alcoholic. It makes perfect sense -- the person who initiated the problem at hand is the person responsible for proving himself and making amends. Thanks for sharing this -- it's giving me lots to think about, as well.
Sending you lots of support tonight and beyond. Isn't recognizing your "rush" the first step? You rock. I hope this evening turns out to be nice and drama-free.
A sober alcoholic you can trust..it is the dry ones that have problems..there is a difference. The alcoholic who continues the same life style..just without alcohol..has not changed nor has dealt with the problems that caused the alcohol abuse. Dry just means that they are not drinking at the moment..I have know some who quit drinking for many years but were never sober because they still had the problems.
Alcohol abuse is a symptom of emotional problems..usually some mental pain that the individual masks with booze..deal with the pain and the booze is no longer needed. However, no one but the individual can do this..sometimes they can be helped to deal with it but first they have to recognize what it is that they are dealing with..not to do so is just a form of denial
Storms are raging--this brings back childhood memories for me and I have not posted and been wanting to for a long time. When I was a child a grew up w/ an alcoholic father although a good financial supporter a non-emotional supporter. He had one thing going better than you J*. However, a natural disaster had to hit my family nearly killing my brother and injuring the rest of us for my father to turn it around. After the disaster, he became everything we needed and how much more happy my childhood life became. J* start telling the world how strong your GOD is and not how strong the storm "addiction" is that you are trying to overcome--you will see a major happiness come to your life. Imagine coming home with a steady paycheck each week, a healthy, happy family smiling back at you just because of your strength to do so. I know nobody really likes to work, my back aches, my shoulder hurts, I'm just plain tired from not getting enough sleep because my son cried all night with a stuffy nose. Many excuses are readily available out there.
But remember everything in this world is built on a strong foundation and especially the family. That is the way GOD intended it to be. You are a strong structurally sound guy that can make all the difference in the world to R* --- I don't see how she has survived it this long. Yes, I do her faith in GOD has held her there this long. Time is becoming short with her patience and rightfully so. J* it is time to pull from the higher power above and become the strong man financially and emotionally for your family that your physics show you can.
Remember GOD is bigger than any storm you may ever encounter. Don't let a natural disaster take place to make you turn it around -- not everyone gets a second chance.
However, thank you GOD for allowing my siblings and I to have a great DAD. Each and every child deserves it. J* you don't believe this but you can get a better natural high from your wife and children than any "buzz, chemical and or alcohol" will every give you.
Chin up -- your a good man now show it.
I'm done with him. It's his problem to solve. Get those kids out of there and protect them.
Great song playing on country radio. Heard it today coming back from class and your kids came to mind. This is brutal to do but I HONESTLY feel I have to:
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my little girl met a new friend,
just the other day,
on the playground at school
between the tires and the swings
But she came home with tear-filled eyes,
and she said to me "Daddy, Alyssa lies"
Well I just brushed it off at first,
'cause I didn't know how much my little girl had been hurt
or the things she had seen.
I wasn't ready when I said "You can tell me"
and she said...
"Alyssa lies to the classroom,
Alyssa lies everyday at school,
Alyssa lies to the teachers
as she tries to cover every bruise"
My little girl laid her head down that night to go to sleep.
As I stepped out the room, I heard her say a prayer so soft and sweet
"God bless my mom and my Dad
and my new friend, Alyssa
*oh*I know she needs you bad
Because Alyssa lies to the classroom,
Alyssa lies everyday at school,
Alyssa lies to the teachers
as she tries to cover every bruise"
(bridge)
I had the worst night of sleep in years
as I tried to think of a way to calm her fears
I knew just what it was I had to do *I knew exactly what I had to do*
but when we got to school on Monday I heard the news
My little girl asked me why everybody looked so sad
the lump in my throat grew bigger
with every question that she asked.
Until I felt the tears run down my face
and I told her that Alyssa wouldn't be at school today
'Cause she doesn't lie in the classroom
she doesn't lie anymore at school
Alyssa lies with Jesus
because there's nothin' anyone would do
Tears filled my eyes when my little girl asked me why
Alyssa lies
*Oh Daddy, oh* Daddy tell me why
Alyssa lies
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Protect your kids. Please.
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