- Why is it that everyone wants to pass judgment on people who have addictions or diseases? The comments on my blog are from individuals that have only heard my side of the story. They have not heard your story, your feelings, your issues in life. They are not passing judgment on you they are taking my side and trying to help me remain strong. I think that if they were responding to you the addict, they would be kinder and more helpful - some still harsh, yes, but hopefully from a neutral point of view. My commenter's are in no way unbiased. They are my readers.
- Why is it that they all want to kick on you when you are down? In blogland people can say what they want, when they want, without having to say it to someone's face. People are braver and bolder when anonymous. This is good, because you will (hopefully) get honest and emotional responses from readers. Their responses are based only upon what I have said in my blog. You have told me that you have NOT read my entire blog. Start at the beginning and work your way to the end. Step out of your shoes, forget the author is your wife, then think what sort of hell you'd give yourself. I know you, I know you'd be shaking your head and saying mmm, mmmm, mmmm, how can he do that with all that he has?
- Why do they all well most of them hope you fail? I haven't read anywhere where they HOPE that you will fail. They assume that you will fail from your past history and actions. I think they HOPE all will get better so we can have a happy home.
- Then again, why is it that they don't want to help you, but would rather see you fail? Have you responded by commenting? Have you asked them to help? I know two personally that would help - if you are serious, ask.
"Maybe it is because they want you to think you are a no good piece of shit, or that you are a dumbass, or a no good abusive bastard. I am NOT anything like this! I guess I have painted that picture of you. But I have been blatantly honest. I have also mainly put the "bad" stuff in the blog. My goal for the new year was to tell the whole story, good and bad. But I told the good the other day, and WOW. As I've told them before, there are two sides to every story. Tell your side.Jill --
I don't understand!
I am trying my hardest and all of these things I have been called or told. I am not perfect by no means but I am trying to do the best I can. They do not know that you have been CLEAN and SOBER for 26 days. Clean and Sober no drugs or alcohol. First time for both at one time in your life. These comments and snide remarks make me so mad. I guess I should not let them bother me, but damn it is so hurtful. Maybe I don't take well to hearing these things said about me. But I guess I brought all of this upon myself because of my past actions. I have told you in the past, sometimes the truth hurts.
Well I don't live in the past now, I live in the future. I am very sorry for what I did in the past, but I can't change what happened then. Believe me if I could I would have changed a lot of the choices I made in life. I am sure we all wish we could change something in our past, but we all know that can't be done. The only thing I know that we can do is make changes in our life to make the future better. Life is full of choices and we all make some bad ones and good ones. I hope there is some people who can help answer these questions I have asked. The only thing I know for sure is that no one can judge me but the all mighty GOD above. There was only one perfect human being that I am aware and I pray to Him every night to help me." I think my readers can accept these statements and will pray with you every night hoping that your decision to become clean and sober is a decision that you have made for you, a decision that you will stick with. As I've told my readers, I have to do what is best for me, before I can do what is best for our family. You have to do what is best for you, before you can do what is best for our family. We both have addictions we have to work on. Only God knows what the future holds for this family.
I understand. Thanks and keep me on my toes. ;)
3 comments:
J-
Poor decisions are not what defines us. What we do in response to those poor decisions is what defines us. You have allowed yourself to make these poor decisions over and over again. The "over and over again" part is what has defined you.
The good news is, you can change all that but it's going to take time. Just because you have been clean and sober for a month doesn't mean you will be in 6 months because you've shown in the past you were not capable of that. Clean yourself up, work to get your driving privileges restored, find a job doing ANYTHING and keep it. It can be at McDonalds for heaven's sake...just find a regular job and stick with it. In time you will redefine yourself.
The BIGGEST and BEST thing you can do for yourself is plug the hole that you attempted to fill with alcohol and drugs. There's only one thing that can fill that and it's Christ. HE has to be the first thing in your life.
Yes...first before Nay. Yes...first before your children.
Yes...first before your parents.
When that happens you will be on the right path. Until that happens you will struggle.
There's an old old saying by some Greek dude that goes like this:
Fear, Self Interest, Honor...Choose which leads you.
Choosing Fear means you will always wonder what people think about you, will always be afraid to take a stand and therefore will try to follow the herd instead of lead based on your convictions.
Choosing Self Interest means you place your own wants and desires before everyone else to the detriment of your family and other relationships.
Choosing Honor means you try to be selfless recognizing there is something greater than yourself and respecting that something. You will give of your time and set aside your wants and desires so that others may benefit.
Addicts choose Self Interest. Recovering Addicts choose Honor.
so choose.
You went and had kids, buddy.
It's not even about you anymore.
WOW, Nay, so well said -- all of it. You rock.
J - The following is not advice or character judgement -- just my experience with my own disease, plus my take on yours.
Like you, I suffer from a chronic disease, severe depression. I also had good stretches and bad -- and when I was in a good stretch, I always thought I was finally over it. When I was in a bad patch, I ruined a lot of relationships, some permanently. I too would pray for the Lord to "help" me -- but the whole flawed premise of that request is that I was still thinking I could control my disease (with just a little help from God).
Finally one New Year's Day, I hit rock bottom. I remember so clearly NOT asking God to "help" me, because I finally realized I was beyond help. Instead I completely gave up, and asked Him sincerely to just take over for me completely. I'm not an extremely religious person, and I don't relate this story often, but He spoke to me, and told me to get treatment. I finally called the psychologist the next day. When I met with her, she told me that it was rare for someone in the shape that I was in to call on their own. But I didn't do it -- I never would have called, and my disease would have killed me. God called through me. Sounds crazy, but it's true. Through a lot of hard work to relinquish control, He and some outside human help have had me in recovery ever since.
So, following are my observations about where you are.
Fact: you are literally powerless over your disease. If you were able to control it, by definition it wouldn't be a disease. You haven't accepted your powerlessness yet, or you wouldn't still be toiling and sweating away trying to control this on your own (with merely a little "help" from God). How many failed attempts at sobriety will it take before you realize you have to completely give up and let God do it for you via AA? No one knows.
Since you are currently pursuing the same tactics as you have in the past, and are not pursuing the one treatment that works 100% of the time if you work it, then this current good patch seems like just the 20th verse, same as the first. That's not a moral judgement -- it's simply the plain truth. From what I can tell from your own words and actions, you haven't yet given up control and decided to seek sustainable recovery.
Now for one more fact: it is unrealistic to ask others to ruin their own lives because you have a disease for which you are not seeking effective treatment. You don't have to give up and let God treat your disease via AA, but you do have to face the consequences of not doing so. If you won't seek treatment, then Nay's only choices are: 1. let your disease ruin your life; or 2. let your disease ruin your life, her life and your children's lives. Which do you think is the smarter course? She's working hard on her own addiction to the drama in order to make the more rational choice.
There is a proven solution for your problem, and if you freely choose to stay on your current "I can control this if I just try harder" course instead, it's unreasonable to blame others for the consequences. That's not a judgement -- just a hard fact. Best of luck to you.
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