I am a very patient person.
I am a very introspective person.
I am a very thick skinned person. But some things just piss me off, some things keep me lying in bed at night thinking is that really the impression that someone has of me and my family? Some things just aggravate me and make me wonder what response something is supposed to get?
Anonymous --
I appreciate your concern, I think I understand the intent to remind me not to forget the bad stuff that has happened. But, blogland is open to the world and well, I don't like the impression that your comment gives the world.
My children are not physically abused. They are however spoiled rotten. Yes, in previous posts I have stated that they have been afraid of their father when he was drinking and that he plays too rough and he yells a lot. I do not recall posting at anytime him threatening them in any way when drinking, me yes, them no. My father was the same, no justification for it happening, but just a fact. He'd hurt mama (rarely) but never me. J**** would hurt or kill himself (I am married to him, and I do know his soul) before he would lay a hand in anger on any child, let alone our own. When the law was called on J**** the police asked me if I wanted an EPO - I said what would I need to do? The officer asked, "Are you afraid of him?" He asked the children, "Are you afraid of him?" The answer is no on all accounts.
My children have NOT been told to lie about their home situation. They have been taught by both myself and J**** to be very open about their feelings, to understand that there are figures of authority that they can discuss their feelings with if they are upset at mommy or daddy. I have posted before that both F**** and G**** have told their teachers (both of which have talked to me about J****'s alcholism and one of which is an active member of al-anon), both have talked to the school counselor. I have encouraged them to do so. J**** has encouraged them to talk to their grandmothers, and aunts. If anything, my children may be too open, if there is such a thing. Their teachers and counselors, and one aunt reads this blog. I despise those who lie and have taught them that lying is wrong. They should NEVER be afraid to tell the truth and no one should ever take that right to tell the truth from them, not their parents, not their teachers, no adult, child, or other peer. They are free to say what they feel, what has happened to them, etc.
You said: "I'm done with him. It's his problem to solve." He knows, and I know, anyone who knows anything about addictions knows that it is up to the addict to solve his own problem and no one can do it for him.
Honestly, it doesn't matter if you are done with him. Actually, if you really want to be done with someone -- that someone should be me. He is an addict -- this is not an excuse, it is a fact -- addicts do what addicts do until something in them clicks and they change. However, I'm supposedly the rational one, I'm the one reaching out to the world, I'm the one that has sought out counseling, I'm the one on medication, I'm the one reading, researching and being introspective, but in everyone's opinion -- I still don't get it. So, who should you get fed up with? The one who is sick and is just doing what an addict innately does or the one that keeps floundering using her good nature, patience, and God as an excuse.
Okay, I feel better now. 'Nough said on that -- water under the bridge -- new day.
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Dr. Jeckyl and Mrs. Hyde
This weekend was great but I swear I think I'm starting to be bipolar. I just may need to go to the doctor or something. One minute life is good everything and everyone happy, then something just triggers me and I'm screaming at the whole lot of them, no patience, calling J**** names, belittling him, the oldest child telling me I am mean. All of this over nothing that amounts to a hill of beans. Three days off of work, the house for the most part is clean, we have movies to watch, nothing in particular to do -- I just felt claustrophobic, tense, and irritable. But, like living with Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde - it would go away as quick as it came and I'd be sweet and loving, nurturing and playful. With all of them... I was pretty scary this weekend. I owe them all an apology. Guess I need to read up on this and go see the doc.
For those of you wondering -- he made it through the poker temptations and is still clean AND sober. This is what we did that night... the Chicken Dance, the Macarena, the ChaCha Slide, and the Hokey Pokey which was very fun and I imagine the neighbors thought we had all gone nuts.
Thanks all.
7 comments:
To Anonymous:
My brother-in-law has not harmed one hair on my neices' or nephew's beautiful heads. The first time he ever thought of that happening would be the last thing he ever thought of doing. Is that a threat? No. That is the truth.
I'd honestly like to know how on earth that song made her kids come to your mind? Physical abuse in this situation is not the problem here.
I'm pissed too!
Her big sister.
abuse is abuse. Neglect is abuse. Choosing the lifestyle of a junkie over that of FATHER(which SHOULD be more important)...THAT is abuse.
I don't live in the house nor have anything to do with the day to day. What made me think of those kids is the fact that they are in a situation that desperately needs to be resolved. Of all the people on this planet, Nay is the only one that CAN resolve it. God can certainly resolve it and He will in His time according to His Will.
I hear and understand that J hasn't physically abused these kids. When he came home drunk, stoned, or otherwise medicated...who's doing the talking there? Is he in control of himself? Doesn't he do things that he otherwise wouldn't do if he were sober? I'm not concerned with the J that nay came to know, love, and have children with. I AM concerned with "medicated" J who has no judgement whatever. I am VERY concerned about that.
I'm glad I pissed everybody off...it was my intent because I was pissed when I heard the song and thought about the situation. I can't do anything to fix it beyond prayer for all involved. Yes, I pray for J because that's all I can do and God is the only solution to his problems. So, from where I'm sitting it's between God and J and I'll keep praying for J, but my chief concern are the kids.
Protect the kids...if not from physical abuse...then from what they may have to deal with down the road after their formative years being spent in that environment.
But Nay, you're just as much an addict, aren't you?
This all raises an interesting question: of the three main types of abuse -- physical, sexual, emotional -- which is the worst? Which causes the longest-term damage? Would you classify what J has put your family through as emotional abuse? When he is dry, is the uncertainty still abusive? Not lecturing -- just curious.
To: Anonymous
After reading your comment, it sounds like you may be a little too close to home and this is affecting you personally. Perhaps you may be a little too close to this situation.
The song you referenced has no similarity at all to what is happening in their household.
No child is being physically abused. No child has been bruised. No child has been hit. No child has been taken to the hospital for broken bones. No child has been killed.
If you want to get your point across, you need to do it another way.
You saying that a song about a dead child reminded you of their children is totally uncalled for.
Thank you.
To pmsmith:
Thanks for your comment. I can answer your question and I can understand your curiosity -
...of the three main types of abuse -- physical, sexual, emotional -- which is the worst? Which causes the longest-term damage?
Emotional (or Mental) Abuse. I know this from personal experience. The bruises go away and there is sexual healing. The after-effects that emotional/mental abuse can cause will stay with you and can haunt you for the rest of your life.
There is no physical or sexual abuse going on in that home but there is emotional abuse. It is affecting the whole family. It is something they will all have to work on. My sister knows this all too well.
Believe me, she's trying her hardest to protect her children from the emotional abuse.
We lived it growing up. She saw me go through all kinds of abuse in my marriage. We know firsthand what it can do to a person. She is doing everything she possibly can to prevent that from happening to hers. It's a struggle. But she is working on it.
It's sad, but some people don't even try.
I'm proud of her.
Yeah, I know it's easy as pie to sit here at a computer screen telling other people to change their lives -- but it's hard when you're actually the one making a change! :) I think it says a lot about Nay that she's willing to honestly and openly think these things over.
I guess I just get confused about why society generally considers physical abuse so much more taboo than emotional abuse. Is it that emotional abuse is harder to define? Or that it doesn't leave visible scars? Weird.
I guess from an outsider's perspective, I continue to be skeptical about J's long-term recovery prospects. He's still putting himself in situations where he'll be tempted, he's still making excuses, and it seems as if he may be preparing to pull out the "well, everyone still criticized me and distrusted me when I was sober, so what's the point?" card if he slips up.
Believe me, I hope I'm wrong.
Hello,
I've been following your blog for a while and commend you on your courage to work through the tough issues of your life. I hope that you find resolution in your life however it comes.
I wanted to comment on your comment about saying "pshaw" to the liberal notion that people blame acts in adulthood on their parents. I don't know about blaming but I will say from personal experience that for good or bad, the actions of your parents do affect your children and the choices they make when they're older. It's probably not by chance that you married an alcoholic. I'm assuming that you wouldn't want your kids to be in the situation you're in but no matter how much you talk about how bad alcoholism is, children learn by example and odds are in favor that one or more of your children will find themselves in adulthood with the disease or married to someone with it. Stop the cycle.
Sorry this is so long. I hope it makes sense. I wish you the best.
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