A - He went before the judge's assistant and she gave him an extension to mid February. There were two guys before him that were on their fourth extension for the fine. This was only J****'s second.
I told him he was darn lucky and I was disappointed because I wanted him to go to jail. I don't understand, they don't ask for a reason, they just say -- oh that's okay. No accountability. In a neighboring county, they give you one year to pay your fine, and NO extensions. If you can't do it in a year -- you ain't planning on doing it at all.
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Comment - "WAKE UP!!!!! posted at 6:57 a.m."
Response - you were a little late, I'd already been up for one hour 27 minutes. hehehehehehehehehe
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Comment - "Ah, the old charm offensive. :("
Response - Yep, but I've called it being Mr. Wonderful - World's Greatest Dad mentality. The house is clean, the clothese are put away, he gets up with us and helps dress the kids, etc, etc. Hey, it just may be an effort to change or A New Year's Resolution for him. But -- remember this post.
"It is a little too late."
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Comment - "They still want you and their dad to be together because you haven't told them the truth about their dad."
Response - I don't understand this comment. They KNOW the truth about their dad. In fact I have said several times how astute they are when it comes to his alcoholism.
I have read books with them about alcoholism, written for children. I have sat down with them and had heart to heart talks with them. I have stayed home from work and kept them home from school after they SAW their Daddy epitomizing a stupid drunk the night before and had a day of discussion and dealing with coping. My Sis had even helped them understand. The only one who doesn't know the truth about their dad is the boy, because he is a bit young to understand. Ms. F**** is ready for Daddy to go. Ms. G**** wants Daddy to stay somewhere else and come visit everyday.
Yes, he is still there, I cannot do anything about that less than physically remove "Mr. Wonderful" from the home. He is in no way endangering us physically, so, no court in these United States is going to make him leave. Charm Offensive -- where better strategically to use that Charm Offensive than the homefront.
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Comment - "Finances are not a proper excuse, plus what the hell is he bringing to the party? Its seems to me that your finances would be in better shape if you dumped his sorry ass."
Response - You reckon -- see paragraph 2 of above response.
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Comment - "And I don't agree at all with the "been married for 50 years, she should have left me a long time ago" pony you trotted out a few days ago."
Response - Huh? am clueless to what you are referencing.
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Comment - "She knows she's addicted, and has chosen not to change. And that's her choice -- no amount of lecturing from her readers or her family members is going to change that. She's weighed the alternatives and has chosen addiction."
Response - Yes and no --
Yes I am addicted. Have been ever since I started the dating scene. Actually left a preacher man, that would have treated me like a queen to return to the physically abusive ex. I know that I am screwed up in the head.
No I AM done. Just haven't been putting a lot of the ins and outs - details, etc here on the blog. It is therapeutic to write about it and I "get over it" when I do -- so for right now -- this is just an insanely silly blog until I am able to let it all out. For right now -- I DON'T want to get over it. Understand? I mean -- I know this is not recommended -- but I have gone off my Prozac just so I WON'T get over it. Which is one reason why I suck at paying bills right now? Guess I should give my check book and bills to Sis and let her be my accountant until I do get over it. Hmmmmm now that's an idea. (Oh yeah -- I did open up a new checking account.)
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Thank you to Guy for his comment and note to J****. J**** still reads this blog and reads each of your comments -- and they hurt him. Guy gave him some hope. He has thought about blogging but is uncomfortable with his spelling ability. I told him there are ways to get around that and if he wants to blog, I'll help him get one set up. It is amazing the blogrolls of recovering alcoholics there are in the blogosphere.
Oh and the van is fixed.
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Comment - "I don't like you calling yourself a bitch. It is such a negative word. AND you are not one. I wish you'd stop. "
RESPONSE - I just reread the definitions -- and this IS me at home. Kind of disappointing I know. But spiteful is a great word.
2. Offensive:
a. A woman considered to be spiteful or overbearing.
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SO -- just watch and see. Divorce court -- last time I spoke with attorney is set for January 25. The Marital Settlement Agreement has been revised and the Deposition upon Written Questions (whatever that is) is done.
Hey in my wildest dreams -- he becomes sober and comes crawling back and we live happily ever after. However, his mom says -- he won't take you back. Whatever.
Ya know -- he and I did have 2 alcohol / drama free years together where we pulled ourselves up from our bootstraps, working together, loving each other, being picture perfect 50's sitcom couple. He tells me we can have that again, he asks, "Give me one more chance and if I screw up I'll leave without you asking, no questions, no fights, I'll just go." My response to him was -- sorry but I can't take that gamble with our kids.
Who woulda thunk that posting a song would get this much conversation going --- WOW.
8 comments:
I don't understand...you say you ARE done...so why is he still there? Is it because of your children? Because THEY want him there? Yes, of course they want him there, and sadly, they DO know what their "dad" has done, and will continue to do (I know...just give it a little while). You know why they still want him there? Because he is their father, they love him. That is a given.
Children should not have this responsibility (and yes, that is what it is!) of keeping an abusive home together. Another poster said he isn't bringing anything to the table, but I disagree. He is bringing abuse, disrespect for himself and their mother.
The longer you make excuses (which is only to make yourself feel better, because honey! None of your readers buy this shit, except for other people that are making the same damn excuses), then the more you make yourself look like a woman that cares more about herself than her children. What he has done is abusive, but your heading down that road also.
If you were 'done' (which I do not believe for one. split. second. then you would not allow him there. If he won't leave (I am sorry, but if he won't leave--not much a 'changed man' then, is he?), and you are 'done' then you should leave. Will you do that? No. Why? Because you will continue to make excuses, lie, and put your children through hell. That is the life you have chosen. We know that, HE knows that, and so do you.
Why don't you just tell the truth and say 'I will continue to allow him to abuse me and my children, ruin their lives as well as his own...because I am selfish, and don't want to be alone.'
Because, I would have more respect for you (if any at all) for being truthful, instead of trying to blow smoke up everyone's ass, and then act like WE are the dumbasses!
I do hope that J can keep it together..it can be done..I know because I have done it..and there is always hope and without hope it would be impossible. A good friend of mine went through rehab a year ago..stayed dry for a few months then started drinking again and was dead within a few weeks. But it was his decision and he had his excuses..but I can think of easier ways to kill myself if that is what I want to do.
Tell J to e mail me if he wants to..if there is anything I can do I will gladly do it even if it means a phone call in the middle of the night. Sometimes just talking for a while helps make it just one more day and one more day can turn in to one more week and then one more month and then one more year.
Thanks for the kind words.
Guy
And while your at "giving your check book to Sis" why don't you send your kids over there, too? If you choose to continue in this bullshit, they shouldn't have to. They deserve a good life, and as long as you defend and continue with your "addiction" you will NEVER be able to give them that life. I feel sorry for your kids also. If you have sons, they may grow up to be their father (alcoholic, abusive pieces of crap) and your daughters stand the chance of becoming YOU (immature, stupid, lazy women, who would rather have a man then do something right for her children.)
Don't stand much of a chance, do they? What a sad life these babies have and will continue to lead.
Thanks for the responses, Nay (I was posts #1 and 4) from the previous entry. I like reading your blog and I think it's cool that you're willing to interact with folks here.
I find your story so compelling. It's also often upsetting -- I'm sure much more so when you're actually living it instead of reading about it :(. I've asked myself why I and others read if we get upset. In my case, the answer is that I really, really want you and your gorgeous kids to be a triumph-over-adversity story. If you decide you want to be, you will. I do agree with Jill that you staying in the house with J is like J moving into a bar and then expecting that he can stay sober. We could easily be wrong -- you're the one actually living this.
However, to Jill (in the spirit of continuing this conversation): I think it's misguided to lecture Nay about the consequences of her addiction. She's no fool, and she knows more than most what the consequences are. One of my closest friends is in a toxic, addictive relationship (and I've been in them myself), and the truth is, we all have free will and we can stop indulging our addictions anytime we want to. If we don't, it's because we're getting something out of our addictions (some exciting brain-chemical reaction, probably) that makes the consequences worthwhile.
I wish I had an explanation for those of you who don't understand why we stay with those gosh-darn abusive, stupid men.
You see, I did the same thing. My abuser was somewhat like her's. Biggest difference is, mine hit - mine was mean, very mean. My counselor said I was his captive and he was my torturer. That was our life together.
But you know what - I finally ESCAPED.
I ask myself a hundred thousand times over, why did I stay. Why did I let my children watch this man abuse me? And after a while, why did I let this man be mean to my children? Why did I let it continue? Why did I let this man control our lives the way he did? I don't know. I honestly don't know. I'm still trying to figure that one out.
Best as I can tell is we were raised to honor, obey, to stay in a marriage through sickness, and in health, richer, poorer, yada, yada, yada, blah, blah, blah, and I guess that even included staying through:
- physical abuse,
- mental abuse,
- verbal abuse,
- sexual abuse, and
- addicted personalities.
It's sad, isn't it. Hopefully she hasn't gone through all of these yet - as I did.
Thing is - nobody knew what I was going through. At least we do know what she is going through and I can be there for her if she needs me.
You see, us gals who live with abusers know deep down inside that we shouldn't live like that. We know we deserve better. We know we need to get out, we know we have to get away from him - but!!!!!!!!!!!
It's back to those old lessons we learned as little girls from our sister's (yes, sissy, you even learned from ME), our mama's and our granny's, our aunt's and all those old gals that ------ You stay with them no matter what.
Maybe my sister doesn't think along the same lines as I do. But that had a lot to do with why I stayed.
I was married to this abusive man for 28 years. A man who loved my sister and would not harm a hair on her head even to this day - but he would have gladly put a bruise on me whenever he felt like it.
Today things are changing - THANK GOD! Or are they? Lord I hope so. I hope my granddaughter never has to live the life I led.
I do have not any good advice for you sissy - All I can say is I know what you are going through and if you need me, I'm here.
Your Big Sister
xoxoxoxoxoxoxooxox
Oh, and Guy, You don't know J. He's not ready to quit. You may have all kinds of good intentions by wanting to help him, but all the good words and encouragement you may want to try and pass along to him - it won't work - he's not ready to listen. And that's a shame.
psmith: Why is it "misguided'? I don't think so. I have been in an abusive/alcoholic/drug addicted relationship. My mother was married to a man who abused me and my sister, and she always made excuses, always stayed. I know all to well what the children are going through, and it IS hell. Anyone who comes here, and feels sorry for her is crazy! The first few times, I did. But, after all the excuses, after all the 'it's overs' and she still hasn't left?? No, she is choosing that life, choosing to allow this man to abuse her and her children. It isn't an addiction, it is a choice.
Like I said before, if she is going to continue to stay and put up with it, she should at least tell the truth about it. And, if she chooses that, someone needs to help those kids, because obviously their mother cannot or will not.
Nay, I feel sorry for you, for several reasons. You are willing to continue an abusive relationship, allowing to let this man continue to lie and abuse his own children, and you are coherent and smart enough to hold a job, to say what this man has done is wrong....then you are smart enough to leave.
The quote "Best as I can tell is we were raised to honor, obey, to stay in a marriage through sickness, and in health, richer, poorer, yada, yada, yada, blah, blah, blah, and I guess that even included staying through:
- physical abuse,
- mental abuse,
- verbal abuse,
- sexual abuse, and
- addicted personalities."
is so overdone. This is 2007, and there are so many options. If she lived by that notion, she wouldn't be coming here and telling us all about it, she wouldn't be saying these things about her husband, bevcause she would be too busy loving/HONORING/ and obeying him.
Where did you get the belief that you should do all these things for this man, when he does NONE of them for you, unless he is in trouble? What kind of life is that, not just for you, but your CHILDREN?
The bottom line to me is, it seems that the children are the losers in this war. Nay, if you don't care enough about yourself to leave...why can't you care enough about your children???
To Ms. Jill:
Regarding the quote I made. "Best as I can tell..."
It is true! We were taught you stay with him - through thick and thin - no matter what. So don't tell us what I said is "so overdone!"
IT HAPPENS. And I'm sorry to say, it is still happening to women today in 2007. Options are just that - options. Sometimes you dont have a choice.
You have not walked a mile in my shoes as I have not in yours. So, don't be judging me. Don't be judging her. You don't know us.
You need to realize that what I said is my reasoning and mine only - I don't know what kind of - as you so called it "notion" she is living by. Only she can tell you. This is what I was living mine by.
Is she telling the truth? Yes, as best as she can, she is honestly telling the truth.
Her Big Sister
Jill -
I'm behind on this thread so maybe you'll see this and maybe you won't. I've been through this entire thing with Nay from before her first was born. There are things that have gone on that I'm sure I don't know about but I can guarantee you I have a better idea of what's happening here than you do.
This is all my opinion and if I step out of line I want to be corrected Ms. Nay. I FIRMLY believe there are two basic reasons she has told this bum to leave sooner.
1) She wants her kids to have a father. A REAL father...not just a provider. She has gone above and beyond the call in waiting for that to happen.
This guy isn't a father. Let alone a husband or even a man. He may be behaving like the "Worlds Greatest Dad" right now and that's fine and good. Let's see what's happening in a couple years and go from there. I remain convinced that his next bottle, rock, or pill is far more important than the welfare of his children. I pray that one day he can prove me incorrect in that conviction.
2) She feels compelled by her FAITH to give this marriage an honest shot.
FAITH means different things to different people. I think when you say words like "church" and/or "religion" you lose some meaning. Both terms have been twisted into things that they simply aren't. To say she is going against her "church" leads one to think she's following the dictates of a group of people in a building with a steeple. That is simply not the case. It's not her church she feels she is going against so much as her FAITH in Christ and all that THAT represents. I think she is UPHOLDING that Faith by protecting her kids and have told her this on many many occasions. There is nothing in 2007 that changes her Faith or what it teaches.
I completely understand your frustration and have felt it myself on occasion. I think you are going a little over the top with your pounding though. Perhaps that is just me being irrationally protective over someone I have no claim to protect.
Just my thoughts on your posts.
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