I am sorry that my life is so upsetting to so many folk. I refuse to argue with folks posting comments on my blog and I honestly appreciate any and all interest whether it is harsh, sensitive, joking, etc. I don't even delete the SPAM.
But as I said in my last post -- just watch and see. Right now I'm being pretty closed mouth about stuff that is going on in that arena and will continue to be for a bit.
Couple of things to remember:
1) There are two sides to every story -- not an excuse.
2) Yes, I am a drama queen and as Sis who is a recovering drama queen can tell you, things tend to be more intense than they really are when told by the drama queen.
3) As Papaw J*** said, "Every tub has to sit on it's own bottom." Even yours.
4) As the good book says, Matthew 7:3 "And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?"
Just out of curiosity are comments based upon reading a few posts, one post or the entire blog? Start from the beginning and you will understand Sis and I much better if you have not: Mega Conservative Church of Christ, Alcoholic Father, Submissive Mother, and a desire to do God's will.
For me to divorce J**** is for me to no longer be submissive, to go against my church, and to denounce my father. Yes, I may be forty but I'm Daddy's little girl, too. Working my way through with this blog is "revolutionary." No matter how harsh, etc comments are ... I understand it is a way of caring and showing support.
Then there's al-anon. I still haven't decided on it. So many members stay with their alcoholic/addicted partner - because it is a disease.
I know this is rambling, but I guess -- what I'm saying is -- my SIS did make it!! Of her, I am proud.
Other things that I am proud of us about:
1) We have kept our Faith in the Lord, we pray.
2) We have kept our honor, we have not turned ourselves to drugs or alcohol or to sex addictions.
3) People will ask me the question "Do all of your children have the same father?" I am appalled by this question -- Hell YES!!! They are all from the same father. Sis' are too. Is it that mainstream, is a lack of loyalty to a partner or a lack of respect in one's self so common that it is automatically assumed that if you have more than one child you are a brazen woman?
3) We have learned to communicate where we were raised to be closed mouthed.
4) We will not judge you, insult you, or look down on you. We love you.
5) We are not lazy, we are tired.
The list could go on -- but see -- my babies are up and hungry - that's what is important.
God bless you all, keep it coming -- Love you all.
Nay
3 comments:
Hi Nay - I truly hope my post didn't come across as harsh or judgemental. As I said, one of my dearest friends is in the process of recovering from a toxic, addictive relationship, and I have been in them too. Yes, I have a hard time understanding why you stay...but I also remember staying with a cheating boyfriend for a year and a half, which is different only in degree.
My friend has done a lot of work with a psychologist on this, and has concluded that for her, her brain thrives on that jolt of drama and excitement she gets from addictive rollercoaster relationships (she also had a childhood filled with drama, so it seems normal to her). But on the other hand, rationally she knows she just wants peaceful and comfortable love. So she's been doing what any successfully recovering addict does -- she takes it day by day, and she reminds herself that she doesn't really want to be in a rollercoaster relationship -- her brain just craves the chemical jolt.
The reason I think Jill's comments were misguided is that it's clear from reading your entire blog that she's not telling you anything you don't already tell yourself; she can't berate you more than you berate yourself. For my friend, telling her she MUST leave the addictive relationship is actually counterproductive, because it makes her feel trapped and it's too overwhelming for her to think of being without her addiction for life. Her psychologist always tells her that she has free will and can stay in that relationship forever if she chooses -- no one's going to stop her. The only thing she can't do is unilaterally change the relationship, and have it without the consequences that go along with it. The fact that my friend is a smart, strong woman oddly makes it harder for her to escape her addiction. Because she can pretty much accomplish anything she sets out to do, it's hard for her to accept the fact that she cannot change her toxic narcissist.
On the disease front -- I can speak for this personally, because I have long-term chronic depression. If I didn't treat my disease (through medication and therapy) I would be nearly impossible to live with. I cannot ruin the lives of my family merely because I refuse to get treatment for my disease -- I have to stand on my own bottom :). So I'm on meds, and I go to therapy, and I'm in long-term recovery. J is undoubtedly harder to live with than I am in my depressed state -- I don't rape, or threaten to kill, or "put my hands on" anyone, or curse at the children, or cause social services to intervene, or... Treatable disease is no excuse for ruining the lives of at least four other people, IMHO.
Sorry this is so long. I just wanted to share my experiences and continue the conversation, because I definitely care about you (as much as you can about someone you don't know :)). I understand my experiences/comments may not be relevant to your situation -- you get to decide that -- but I wanted to put them out there.
Happy new year, friend.
3) People will ask me the question "Do all of your children have the same father?" I am appalled by this question -- Hell YES!!! They are all from the same father. Sis' are too. Is it that mainstream, is a lack of loyalty to a partner or a lack of respect in one's self so common that it is automatically assumed that if you have more than one child you are a brazen woman?
heheheheh...yeah, it is that Mainstream. Loyalty, fidelity, and virtue are no longer respected in modern society. When I told the story of my wife and I and our inability to have children to someone once, they asked if I was going to divorce her. What kind of crap is that? It was a genuine question from someone who, I believe, was asking in what they thought was my best interest. I just shook my head and told them that my relationship with God was more important than that.
Nay,
I have spent the last few days really wondering why I am so upset with you, and why I came here and attacked you. I first of all, want to apologize for doing so. It wasn't right of me, and I am more than willing to face that.
I think my upbringing, and my subsequent bad relationships had a lot to do with it. I feel for your children, because I have walked in their shoes. I am angry with you because I am still angry with my mother for allowing my step father to abuse us, and her...and I am angry with myself because I then got into, and stayed for quite awhile, a relationship just as bad.
I hope you will forgive me, Nay. I am not above admitting when I have been wrong. I feel how I feel about this situation, but the way I handled it was wrong. I think I am scared you won't leave. You won't realize what a special person you are, and that you and your children, and J, deserve a good life.
I really do hope and wish the best for you. And again, from the bottom of my heart, I truly apologize.
Jill
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