The Husband

Part III of Kicking Myself Hard

I said : My husband -- he's a man, there has only been one perfect man in the world, he's young, I think he's right handsome, he's (ahem) good in bed, he works and brings his paycheck home to me and the children, he's home every night, and he's trying to recover from a drug/alcohol addiction. There are women in this world married to physically and mentally abusive men, women married to men who do not allow them a life outside of the home, women with husbands who are not able bodied. What do I have to complain about?

Many have commented on this blog that I must be a patient person, go ahead and divorce him, he's not going to change, etc.

So, why do you keep him around?

J**** is an alcoholic and an occasional recreational drug user -- mainly marijuana and if he is given a pain or nerve pill, yes, he will take it. When he is in an altered state of mind he is annoying and disruptive to our home life. It got real bad a couple of months back. But, I see him fighting it and fearing the result of a major relapse. He is afraid to lose his family, he is afraid of the emotions surrounding going to AA or asking for help. I understand this fear, those emotions hurt a lot when they have been repressed all of these years and they get brought back to the front of your mind. I understand him because he and I are both adult children of alcoholics. Textbook answers to this adult situation are that the child without proper education on dealing with alcoholism will either become an alcoholic or detest alcohol as I do. This is not an excuse for his behavior but an understanding of his behavior.

But he is of no help to you, so why keep him around?

Last summer J**** was offered a good job in a factory, I asked him to not take the job. My mother and daytime caregiver for my children was not doing well physically. I asked J**** to stay home and take care of our babies. He complied and stayed home with three young children. I would fuss and fume because I would come home and find nothing had been done to keep the house tidy. When J**** was in jail over these past few weekends, you know what, I couldn't keep the house tidy either, three kids are a full-time job. I imagine that the guilt of an unkempt house and me coming home saying, well, what did you do today? Looks like nothing to me, did not motivate him to want to help very much. But, I would hear the kids say, Daddy played pirates with us today, Daddy did this game or that activity. He WAS doing stuff. Yes, he started to drink with them at home and it became a problem. Thankfully, mother was able to begin watching them again, and it was a needed time for him to begin working. He has held this job and works very hard, and gives his paycheck to me. No, he doesn't do a lot around the house, but he works in concrete all day long, he is literally worn out at the end of each day, as long as he keeps the kids out of my hair, I can do most of the stuff around the house and he will (when coaxed) help if I ask. How many women can truly say that their husband does his share of the household chores?

He is not being a father to his children.

I cannot let this be said about him. He loves his children with all of his heart and soul. He is a good father, yet he has an alcohol problem. I secretly watch him while he is watching his children and notice that he beams a proud smile. The look that comes across his face as he looks in wonder at his creation has to be the look that God gave to the world before he rested on the seventh day. It's the little things like -- not eating something he likes because one of the kids enjoys it and making certain they have had their fill before he takes any for himself, or standing in the front yard after hard physical labor all day to watch three children ride their bicycles up and down the sidewalk because Mommy will not let them go out front without an adult, or hearing him get up in the middle of the night and seeing him through the mirror standing in the doorway of his children just to watch them as they sleep, and hearing the children laughing so hard they have to go and pee because Daddy is letting them wrestle him in the middle of the living room floor. No he is not the most patient man in the world and he does have a tendency to yell too much, but a gentle reminder from me and he handles situations differently.

Imagine yourself having three small children and going through alcohol cravings. For most chronic alcoholics this is an opportune time to say, I can't take this and to get drunk. No mother or father is perfect. How is he not being a father to our children? He is there, he attends all school functions, he disciplines (actually not as harshly and fairer than I) his children, he praises them, he corrects them, he teaches them but sometimes he does disrupt them. Think back to your dad, was he perfect, was there something about him that you disliked?

These disruptions are aggravations. There is NO violence in our home. There used to be a lot of yelling, but we are working on that. There is NO physical abuse in our home. Sometimes he plays too rough when he's been drinking, but he has stopped drinking in front of them.

What does that mean, "he has stopped drinking in front of them?"

He does not drink at home, nor does he come home drunk when children are awake. He will drink and then wait until they are asleep to come home

Well, what about Mental abuse?

I think after reading this and going to counseling and participating in al-anon, that I am more guilty of mental abuse than anyone in our household. My post titled "Broken Hearted" is as verbatim as I can get about a conversation between my dad and I. Tone it down a little, keep the accusatory tone but remove the colorful words, keep the bitter sarcasm and the snide inuendos and yes, that is me when talking to J****. I have noticed recently that I am beginning to do it with my children too.

The situation with F**** the oldest and her understanding the alcoholism so well, stems a lot from me being brutally honest with a six year old. I had to remind her last night that she is still a child, then today writing this, I tear up having to remind myself that I have not been treating her like she is still an innocent little child.

Well what about you? This isn't fair to you.

The more I read and understand, the more I know alcoholism is a disease. Would I be scorned for staying with a man that has a different diagnosed disease (cancer, diabetes, leukemia)? Would other diseases disrupt our home? Yes there is a difference I know. But I will NO longer enable his disease. Face it folks, life isn't fair, but my situation could be a lot worse. When I look at his wonderful qualities today versus what we saw when I began this blog, he is growing and I too am growing. I was using his disease as an excuse to make myself a martyr. Now I look past the disease and I see HIM, I no longer use the disease as an excuse not to get out and do things with and for my children. No longer do I say, "poor, pitiful, little ol' me."

Aside from the disease, as a husband, he is a good man. He satisfies me sexually, I still desire him and more so when he is attempting to stay sober. He satisfies me emotionally, he IS my best friend. When I went to the divorce attorney for the first time, he was the one I came home to and cried to and talked it out with. He can look at me and tell my mood and I can look at him and tell his mood. He can finish my sentences and I his. We don't have a lot in common, but if we did -- that would be boring, he has broadened my interests and I his. I know a whole lot more about sports now and he knows a whole lot more about computers. He inquires about my God and I have learned to not take the world so seriously because of him.

We still hold hands, kiss each other goodnight and goodbye, huddle together in the bed, are truly interested in each other's day and are both in awe of our babies.

The purpose of this blog.

I know I blast him a lot on this blog, but that is the purpose of this blog it is my sounding board. What spouse doesn't complain about their partner? I could fill up a book on why I love him. The only reason I contemplate a divorce is the fear of him getting worse as an alcoholic and what it will do to my babies' future. If it weren't for them, I would not even think to divorce my man.

I love J**** and this blog is my tool for working through my issues, it is blatantly honest about my feelings, about things that happen, and it is an opportunity for me to grow. I am ever so thankful for each of you and your concerns and want you to keep reading, and keep me honest. Thanks.