Relapse

I knew it was coming, just didn't know when. J**** and I had made plans for this Monday to go to AA and Al-Anon sessions together that provided babysitting. My miracles in progress friends told me, when you plan it -- they binge. They are wise and know the ropes, they were right. Last night the neighborhood drunk came over and asked J**** to take him to the store. I said no way, J**** has no license.

I put the kids to bed and out the two drunks went in my van. I fell asleep with the kids and woke up around 10:00pm, looked outside no men, no van.

Sadly, I was more worried about the van than anything else. The only means I have of transportation, car seats, and I had to go to work the next morning. I fretted, fretted some more, got online with my MIP friends and they talked me through it, made me laugh, made me cry.

Then I decided -- kids are asleep, I'll venture to neighborhood drunks house -- around the block I drove in J****'s vehicle (no tags) and low and behold there is my van with J**** passed out in the driver's seat. I push him into the passenger seat and drive my van back to the house. Babies still asleep (thank God, I feel awful for just going around the block and leaving them.) J**** admitted he'd drank whiskey. He came in the house and was very obliging and passed out on the couch. 12:45 am by this time -- I go to bed.

Next morning, he gets up and goes to work. Calls me around 2:00pm, sounds "out of his gourd." Keeps calling me every 15 to 20 minutes until I get home. He also called his dad who came and "wallered" in self-pity with him. He called his uncle, tried to call his mom (she's on vacation), his cousin, me, me, me, and me again.

When we get home, the girls come upstairs after going outside and say "Mommy, I have to show you something." J**** is on the couch. I follow them and they show me Daddy's beer cans and tell me they have shaken the full one's up so when he opens them they will explode on him. Cute, but sad.

I tolerate him for a while and the girls remind him that we have a library program that he was supposed to attend with us. I tell him that he is not going in the shape he is in and to just lay there on the couch and sleep it off. After feeding children, etc, I find 7 beers hidden on top of my china cabinet, 1 in refrigerator hidden, and then another one. The children and I along with a darling neighbor child go to the library program and the twilight festival in town and have a grand time.

We get home and the kids go out back to play. F**** tells the little girl we need to go through the gate, Daddy is drunk and asleep on the couch. I love the honesty of children. G**** says, okay. Earlier F**** asked me, "Mommy, you said that next time Daddy does the bad thing, you and he would part." "Are you going to make Daddy leave?" I told her, I am going to talk to Daddy tomorrow when he is not drunk.

The kids and I play outside until bedtime, then we come in and go upstairs to play because the mosquitos are biting so bad. J**** hollers up the stairs, "WOMAN, there is nothing in this house to drink." So, I make tea. When I open the cabinet to get the pitcher for the tea, there sits another hidden beer inside of the tea pitcher.

While he was sober over this last month, I enjoyed his presence so much. When he relapses, it is like a death of the man that I love and I push myself farther away each time.

I kept doubting the intentions of his sobriety over this past month. Is it because of his desire to be in recovery? Is it because of his desire to want to do right by his family? or Is it just to make certain he stays out of jail full-time until his jail time is done? Well as you can imagine -- I have come to the conclusion it is the latter.

Tomorrow the kids have a pool party for the end of the summer reading program. We will be there -- J****, the choice is his.