Broken Hearted

I'm taking a break from my series to tell about my day today.

I didn't work today. I went to a local research facility to take some physical tests to see if I qualify for their stop smoking study. I then came home, mowed the yard, cleaned up some trash in the yard, and threw some stuff away that was cluttering up the yard. I still need to attack the weeds in my flowers and trim. By the way -- the house is clean (for now). I took a short nap then went to pick up the kids.

Before I took my nap I called mama and asked her if she wanted to bring them to me and spend the afternoon with us. She told me D***** was napping and she sounded like something was bothering her. She said just come down when you are finished and then set me up with a new ISP. I said, ok.

I went to pick up the kids around 2:30 and all seemed well. Sadly, my favorite trumpet vine plant was blown over in a bad storm a couple of nights ago. I told my Daddy about it and asked his advice on how to salvage this beautiful plant. Well, all hell broke loose. (I took this picture of my trumpet vine last week before the storm.)

Daddy blew up -- "Why in the hell are you worried about a damn vine when you've got two junk cars in your driveway and you can't keep your yard mowed? Just cut the son of a bitch down and be done with it. " I told him it is pretty and I like it. "Why worry about something that is pretty? You can't take care of anything, you haven't got a penny to your name, your house is going to need a roof and a furnace soon and you can't take care of yourself. The way you are going you probably won't have a roof over your head." "It is too much for you to take care of and you have no help, J**** isn't going to help you, he has to pay for his fines and then when that is done he will spend all his money on drugs? You aren't ever going to get rid of him and he's no good, he isn't going to stop what he is doing? He's a fucking drunk. You fucked up. I should know, I should know, I've been there. He'll keep going back. You're going to keep screwing around and get fucked."

I calmly asked him to stop talking that way in front of my children. He got up and went to bed to lay down. I got up and went to mama's computer room and began working on installing her internet. I so much wanted to cry, but I didn't -- I was strong. Mama came in and said, "Don't pay any attention to him, he's been on me all day too." I told her "Well, when I called you should have gathered the kids up and came and spent the afternoon with me."

About five minutes later Daddy hollered from the other room for me, asked mama what I was doing, and told me that there were tomatoes on the back porch and to get some before I left. I said, "Thank you, Daddy." He said, "I love you."

I know he is worried about me. Sister and I discussed it and she said that he does that stuff to her too. I told her the part that bothered me most was that I realized when listening to him, that I sound a lot like him when I'm fussing at the kids or at J****. I don't want to be like him.

On the way home we drove by J****'s supervisor's house and saw J**** was still there. Out of courtesy I stopped to see if he wanted to ride home with me and save B**** a trip. He said they were working on the truck and he'd be home in a bit. 6:30pm I call and tell him supper is ready. He still needed more time. 7:30pm no answer. 8:21pm he calls and says come and get me. He sounds fucked up. I've been taking up for him and he's tore up. I gathered up the kids and went to get him, thus the kids got in bed late. I smelled no alcohol on him. He says he smoked a joint.

I asked him, why when you've been clean and sober for over a month did you do this? He said, "I'm an idiot I guess." I just said, I guess so.

The two most important men in my life after my son broke my heart today, and one would be very happy about the other and say, "I told you so."