Pay bills
- utilities, deliver J****'s final fine payment to courthouse - it's a good feeling to be able to pay these bills and have a little bit left over. We are still working the "plan", but we are weaning ourselves into it, so this month we are adjusting our budget to our needs and personalities, in March the real snowball starts, so watch out at the bottom of the hill.
Doctor's Appointment 1 -
- I have an appointment in the morning with my family doctor. I'm tired of not feeling well. Here's my symptoms: depression, fatigue, tingling/numbness in feet and hands, painful knee and ankle joints, on the rare occasion dizzy spells, difficulty swallowing, chest pains, constipation (I know ewwwww), some bad gas, gained a bunch of weight. I feel like shit and am just plain ol' tired of it.
Here's two diagnosis I've got from friends - 1) fibromyalgia (mother in law and best friend), 2) thyroid. Then there's my diagnosis and daddy's - you're just too damned fat.
I do need to get serious about weight loss -- so I'm going to give myself some behavioral rules to work on... like my Money Makeover -- I'm doing these in baby steps. Baby Step 1 for me will be to not eat when I am doing something else. To stop what I am doing and go to a designated snacking place if I want to eat. Therefore, if I am working on the computer and want a snack -- I have to go upstairs and sit at the table and enjoy my snack, or at work go to the break room and enjoy my snack. But no more sitting and watching TV, driving, etc and eating. A designated eating area will be my new rule for me.
So, why do I think this will help? Because, I can sit here and read blog posts and eat an entire bag of chips, because I'm not thinking about the food I'm consuming.
Next week - I'll modify another eating behavior.
Doctor's Appointment 2 -
-BHP in the afternoon. She has said that J**** is welcome to come along. I think that maybe for half the session he can come in, but half of it is mine, mine, mine. She wanted me to write down why I am angry at my Daddy.
I've thought about it and here's my answer:
- I'm not angry at what he did when I was young - it made me the person that I am today, it made me a little crazy, but it had to be horrible being him too.
- I love my daddy very much. As, I've said before, I miss not knowing him better and not being able to communicate with him.
- I guess what I am angry at him about, is that we are never good enough. I don't know when he has ever been complimentary to us. He'll compliment us to each other, he'll tell me how strong Sis is, and how organized she can be, etc. he'll brag about the SON and his music career, but he won't say it to us.
- I am angry at him because I see him in me, I see his actions coming out in me and then he has the nerve to constantly put my parenting skills down, to say hurtful things to me, yet he wasn't a perfect father by no means. I sometimes stop myself and am shocked when I have more or less told my child that "yeah that's nice, but it could be better." I never felt that anything I did was good enough for him.
- I am angry at him because to this day, all I want is to please him. But, since I know that I will never totally make him happy, I will defy him and buy the damned house that he didn't like. I know a Daddy will never think any man is good enough for his daughter, but stop putting my husband down.
- Oh, he tells me I'm pretty all of the time. I KNOW that he is proud of me. He loves my children, he wants to be there to help, I can see it in his face and his actions how much he loves the three of us, but...he makes me so angry.
It's hard wanting to be Daddy's little girl.
1 comment:
today is chinese Spring Festival,happy spring festival.
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