What are you afraid of?

My greatest fear is that when this is all done and over with and he is gone, what happens to my children? I know that divorcing him for his misdeeds is a good thing for my babies, but...

My demand in the divorce agreement is for Sole Custody of the children. This means that I am the only guardian and that his opportunities to be with our children depend upon me. I would be the one determining his state of mind and saying "Yes, you can visit them." or "No, you are drunk or high and cannot visit them." I have told him that my stipulation would be that he has to visit at our house. He says that he couldn't stand to come to the house because of memories. I say they would not spend the night with him. He says, I need more than that. I say, you stay here and I'll leave. (My reasoning for this is -- it is their home, they should not be disrupted from their personal space due to our problems or differences.)

However, in this society a judge will look at this request and as my attorney has stated unless the children show signs of serious abuse by one parent it is hard to achieve sole custody. The attorney says, because he doesn't have an attorney of his own, the judge would more than likely be MORE receptive to his pleas of my not having sole custody, because his representation is not equal to mine. Not a legal thing, just a reality thing. Judges don't like to deny custody.

So, what if I don't get sole custody of the children? He would have days designated for visitation and they would be with him and not with me. How can I trust him with our children? How can I trust him to transport, be responsible for, feed, shelter, or attend to a six year, four year, and 20 month old child? He can't take care of himself. I fear for them if this would happen.

I fear for me in either scenario. In the scenario of Sole Custody and he is agreeable to my stipulations, he would come to visit, be straight and sober and I would see the man with whom I fell in love. How hard that would be to let him go again and again? In the scenario of joint custody, I can't stand to be away from my babies. I have NEVER been away from all three overnight. I would miss them dreadfully and worry myself to death.

Everyone says, "You must have the patience of a saint?" But no, it is just fear. Fear to leave them in a two parent household with an addict/alcoholic versus the fear of losing them for periods of time and placing them in the care of the addict/alcoholic parent. It is truly a double-edged sword.

UPDATE:

Because of Commonwealth laws -- he ain't going to leave without a court order -- so extreme rollercoaster ride here lately. He's Mr. Wonderful for a day or two, then binging, beligerent fool for a day or two. Back and Forth, back and forth, up and down, upside down, here and there. Boy, I'm dizzy and tired.

His latest episode (he says pills). On Saturday he declared I am leaving!!!!! He henceforth declares to children that he is leaving because Mommy is mean, and Mommy doesn't love him anymore, and Mommy would be happier if he would just go!!!! Children spend rest of day declaring that Mommy is mean!!! Children want to go with Daddy to live because he is more fun than Mommy. (Mommy makes them behave, disciplines them, and requires that they be responsible for their small chores, etc.) G***** the middle child is distraught and everytime Daddy goes outside to smoke, she follows keeping an eye on him thinking that this will keep him from leaving. F***** the oldest child just looks at him and says, "Go ahead and go Daddy." D***** the baby knows something is wrong and clings tightly to Mommy.

Of course, he didn't leave and has again been Mr. Wonderful.

He asked for a list of AA meetings and nights and asked that I take him until he can find a ride. Sure, I'll do that much.

He is now drinking O'Douls a "non-alcoholic" beer (.5% alcohol is what the bottle says in small print).

I had my tubes tied when D***** was born. I haven't had a period, I feel that funny little feeling you get when pregnant, and the Doctor says, take a pregnancy test. "I can't be," I said "My tubes are tied." Doctor explains to me that just because my tubes are tied doesn't mean I can't get pregnant? Then why the hell did I have them tied in the first place? No, I haven't taken a pregnancy test, I'm just chalking it up to mega-stress and putting it off until... I have no excuse. I'm just not gonna do it right now.

As always, Thank God for My Prozac and I pray nightly for Diazepam.