Taking Inventory

1. I AM BROKE

I got paid today and only have 81 bucks left out of my check. So, it's a good day to quit smoking. The sign (astrological thingy) is in the loins, so per the country folk - since the sign is going out of the body it is a good time to quit something, wean a calf, potty train a child, start a diet, etc. Worked with potty training and taking the bottle away from kids -- so why not work on me. We'll see. That will save around $90.00 a month on cigarettes. That will almost cover the girls' dance classes. If you are a philanthropist and would like to adopt a lovely family, we are available and I do have a paypal account for easy money transfer.

2. I AM GRUMPY

What else do you expect -- I quit smoking. Actually it is a great excuse to be grumpy. I've ran around here all day (smoke free since 11 am this morning) just using the no cigarette thingy as an excuse to be seriously obnoxious. And I got away with it -- Nah nah nah nah nah nah.

3. I AM ASHAMED OF MYSELF

The airplane crash here in Kentucky has touched people all around me. As my fellow blogger meherenow (OUCH) said in one of her latest posts. Don't forget to let those around you know how much you appreciate them. Go to the Lexington Herald and you will find complete coverage and the tragic stories of the individuals. The copilot is still alive. They say he was at the controls of the plane during the crash, and he is the sole survivor. Please, dear God, don't let this tragedy be ruled his fault. Could you imagine the guilt one would feel to have to live with the death of 49 people because of a mistake? Don't forget next time you get on a plane to appreciate your pilot and think of what an unforgiving job he/she has. One mistake in that field could be your last mistake.

4. I SUCK AS A HOUSEKEEPER

Cleaning and scrubbing can wait for tomorrow,
For babies grow up, I've learned, to my sorrow.
So quiet down, cobwebs. Dust, go to sleep.
I'm rocking my baby, and babies don't keep.
~Ruth Hulburt Hamilton~

5. MY SIX YEAR OLD IS JUST LIKE ME

Have you ever heard, you can't live WITH someone just like you -- that is why opposites attract. My six year old is just like me. She looks like me, has brown eyes like me, has my body type, my hair color, and yes she has my attitude. She is defiant, sassy, an arbitrator, manipulative clone of her mother and she is making me NUTS!!!

6. I'M HYPOCRITICAL AND MEAN

Dismaying Story #36: Hurting the Ones We Love

This is a great article on Andrew's blog. Read it and think, have I ever done that? Dr. Jekyll to friends, co-workers, total strangers, and Mrs. Hyde to your family. Yep, I am helpful and kind and witty and perky from 8:00 to 4:30 -- then when I get home you'd think OH MY GOD!!!!!! Where did she come from? My dad would be proud, my mom would be ashamed -- but yes, I can cuss like a sailor and cut your self-esteem into little pieces with the words that spew from my mouth. The good Lord was right in James 3 - (here is a snippet -- go to Zondervan and read the whole chapter)

8 But the tongue can no man tame; it is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison. 9 Therewith bless we God, even the Father; and therewith curse we men, which are made after the similitude of God. 10 Out of the same mouth proceedeth blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not so to be.

7. I HAVE LOW SELF-ESTEEM

I have passed three watermelon sized children through my hips. Those hips aren't as small or as cute as they used to be. I have nourished three children whose weight is over the 100th percentile at well checks, from my breasts, so yes they sag. I'm married to an alcoholic, so yes my hair is graying (Thank God for Loreal Auburn Brown). I went to a private almost ivy leaque school and have no common sense at times. I make good money and can't keep my head above water. Sometimes I feel like such a failure - 2 crappy marriages, broke, and I'm starting to look like a mother instead of a hotty like I did before. Worst of all -- I'm starting to say those things my mother used to say. But, tee hee hee -- I don't look as much like her as you do SIS. Hahahahahahahah (See --I'm mean.)

8. O'DOUL'S

Honestly, comment and let me know your opinion of O'Doul's. The label says non-alcoholic brew. .5 percent alcohol per bottle. I know that is less than 1 percent, but really -- is this sobriety, or am I too hard nosed? Also, would you just kick his ass for giving the kids a drink of it and thinking it is cute when the 20 month old grabs the can and says " shhhuuu" while sticking out his tongue? Honestly I hate anything that looks, sounds, smells, or remotely reminds me of alcohol.


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SUMMING IT ALL UP:

Most of this is poking fun at myself while just taking a step back and saying -- hey BITCH -- Being In Total Control of Herself -- straighten up. Been feeling sorry for myself again, been procrastinating, been paranoid -- whole world is out to get me sort of thing. How you say -- My bank's URL is blocked at work, the bridge to the town where my bank is located is closed until November 10, etc, etc.

But you know what -- when I walk in that door at 5pm everyday and three beautiful babies yell, Mommy and the noise is constant chatter about their day -- I know, I am blessed. So what if I'm broke, didn't The Beatles say:

For I don't care too much for money
For money can't buy me love
Can't buy me love
Everybody tells me so
Can't buy me love
No, no, no, no!

I know you've all heard it -- sing it outloud now!!!! There you go, one more time. Yep, it's stuck in there now isn't it. You'll be singing that all day. Ha hahahahahahahaha haha. (YEP -- I'M MEAN!!!)

What are you afraid of?

My greatest fear is that when this is all done and over with and he is gone, what happens to my children? I know that divorcing him for his misdeeds is a good thing for my babies, but...

My demand in the divorce agreement is for Sole Custody of the children. This means that I am the only guardian and that his opportunities to be with our children depend upon me. I would be the one determining his state of mind and saying "Yes, you can visit them." or "No, you are drunk or high and cannot visit them." I have told him that my stipulation would be that he has to visit at our house. He says that he couldn't stand to come to the house because of memories. I say they would not spend the night with him. He says, I need more than that. I say, you stay here and I'll leave. (My reasoning for this is -- it is their home, they should not be disrupted from their personal space due to our problems or differences.)

However, in this society a judge will look at this request and as my attorney has stated unless the children show signs of serious abuse by one parent it is hard to achieve sole custody. The attorney says, because he doesn't have an attorney of his own, the judge would more than likely be MORE receptive to his pleas of my not having sole custody, because his representation is not equal to mine. Not a legal thing, just a reality thing. Judges don't like to deny custody.

So, what if I don't get sole custody of the children? He would have days designated for visitation and they would be with him and not with me. How can I trust him with our children? How can I trust him to transport, be responsible for, feed, shelter, or attend to a six year, four year, and 20 month old child? He can't take care of himself. I fear for them if this would happen.

I fear for me in either scenario. In the scenario of Sole Custody and he is agreeable to my stipulations, he would come to visit, be straight and sober and I would see the man with whom I fell in love. How hard that would be to let him go again and again? In the scenario of joint custody, I can't stand to be away from my babies. I have NEVER been away from all three overnight. I would miss them dreadfully and worry myself to death.

Everyone says, "You must have the patience of a saint?" But no, it is just fear. Fear to leave them in a two parent household with an addict/alcoholic versus the fear of losing them for periods of time and placing them in the care of the addict/alcoholic parent. It is truly a double-edged sword.

UPDATE:

Because of Commonwealth laws -- he ain't going to leave without a court order -- so extreme rollercoaster ride here lately. He's Mr. Wonderful for a day or two, then binging, beligerent fool for a day or two. Back and Forth, back and forth, up and down, upside down, here and there. Boy, I'm dizzy and tired.

His latest episode (he says pills). On Saturday he declared I am leaving!!!!! He henceforth declares to children that he is leaving because Mommy is mean, and Mommy doesn't love him anymore, and Mommy would be happier if he would just go!!!! Children spend rest of day declaring that Mommy is mean!!! Children want to go with Daddy to live because he is more fun than Mommy. (Mommy makes them behave, disciplines them, and requires that they be responsible for their small chores, etc.) G***** the middle child is distraught and everytime Daddy goes outside to smoke, she follows keeping an eye on him thinking that this will keep him from leaving. F***** the oldest child just looks at him and says, "Go ahead and go Daddy." D***** the baby knows something is wrong and clings tightly to Mommy.

Of course, he didn't leave and has again been Mr. Wonderful.

He asked for a list of AA meetings and nights and asked that I take him until he can find a ride. Sure, I'll do that much.

He is now drinking O'Douls a "non-alcoholic" beer (.5% alcohol is what the bottle says in small print).

I had my tubes tied when D***** was born. I haven't had a period, I feel that funny little feeling you get when pregnant, and the Doctor says, take a pregnancy test. "I can't be," I said "My tubes are tied." Doctor explains to me that just because my tubes are tied doesn't mean I can't get pregnant? Then why the hell did I have them tied in the first place? No, I haven't taken a pregnancy test, I'm just chalking it up to mega-stress and putting it off until... I have no excuse. I'm just not gonna do it right now.

As always, Thank God for My Prozac and I pray nightly for Diazepam.

Plagiarism...

Your Lucky Underwear is Blue

You are caring and extroverted. You've made relationships your number one focus, and your lucky blue underwear can bring some balance to them. You thrive in one-on-one situations. You are a good listener and a natural born therapist. Sometimes you let the concerns of others become too important in your life, leading to stress and worry. If you want more balance, put on your blue underpants. They'll help you take care of yourself first.

What Color Is Your Lucky Underwear?

Now if only I looked that good in that kind of blue underwear. Oh well.

Now What?

Okay. So, now what do I do? Hmmmm. This is different.

Let me qualify -- he says he's gone and looked at an apartment. Do I believe him? I dunno? This just might be it.

Do I love him? Yes

I'm reminded of a time when my ex-brother-in-law, of a kindred spirit with my husband asked me a question one time and it was a very good question. "Why do you women chase the bad boys? Want the bad boys? Then once you get them - you try to change the thing that attracted you to them?" For an ol' redneck boy, that is really deep and I can't answer it.

So what prompted this last effort at taming a wild one?

Tuesday: Drunk. The final straw, nothing real big, just pushed me over the edge. I came home to my mom here at the house watching the kids. I have to be at school at 6pm for Parent Teacher Meeting without the kids. J**** knows about parent teacher and is supposed to watch kids while I am there. I get a call about 15 minutes after getting home and it is J****'s coworker. J**** is drunk and wants me to come and pick him up. I emphatically say NO and blast him for being irresponsible. It all boiled down to: My 70 year old mother had to watch our children when he had committed to doing it. She had had the 20 month old since 7:30 that morning and was tired.

I know in al-anon we are taught to not depend upon the alcoholic to be responsible for anything, but damnit -- isn't that enabling?

He messed with my mama by inconveniencing her and she was already tired. Don't mess with my mama -- this old cat arches her back and pulls out her claws.

So for the strange part -- in Kentucky I can't make him leave without a court order, so it's kind of like giving away kittens (try it, it is almost impossible). So he's here, under my feet, watching my every move, whining about me when I'm on the computer (so my blogging is slowing down) and I'm just being a real bitch -- not in front of the kids, but boy oh boy. He needs to just get a clue -- and I don't mean the butler in the library with a candlestick either. But hey--if I had a butler--that might be an idea. Just joking.

So now what -- as they say in al-anon "One Day at a Time." Other cliche's "Good things come to those that wait." "Patience is a virtue." "A watched pot never boils."

By the way -- please pray for my niece and my sister. My niece has been diagnosed with Sarcoidosis and it is very scary. I love them both. Pray for my coworker whose house burned down 2 days ago. Their plights make mine seem trivial and puts it all in perspective.

Thank you all for your comments, prayers, words of encouragement. I'm tough and my babies are wonderful.

God bless you all.

Ultimatum

To make these easier to read -- click on the image. This will open it in a new window. Then click again and it will magnify the page.

Can't Fix Him

I woke up a bit ago after falling asleep with my babies. Came downstairs and thought I'd check in with my MIP friends. And a new person stumbled upon our group. She sounded just like I did a few months ago. Her situation, with the children and all paralleled mine to a "tee." I tried to give her insight and to help her. But, like with anything else after it is done you think of things you wish you would have thought to say.

Here are some of those things:

Most people come to Al-anon wanting to know how to help their alcoholic or how to cure their alcoholic. That is a typical syndrome of the "codependent enabler." We want to take care of him, we want to fix him, we want to make life great for him -- because if he is well, he will be that person we fell in love with and then we would be happy. But, Al-anon wants us to learn to make ourselves happy.

Fixing him would be like the old cliche, "the blind leading the blind." or as I've said time and again, "you can't make someone else happy if you are not happy."

If he is not willing to be in recovery that does not mean that we can't find ways to cope or to recover. Some do say that the program sounds selfish, but as one of my friends says it is not selfish it is learning to love yourself.

My advice to her was to learn to take care of herself and then she could be her best for her babies.

I should have told her about setting boundaries and take time for her and the children to have a break from the insanity, to take them to the park if he is drinking and not to "babysit" him and cater to him. Drinking is his thing, not hers.

She sounds like a good mom, I hope all works out well for her.

I hope I helped her and I will pray for her and I hope that she will come back, because it really helps.

Now on the lighter side: (I'm stealing this from Freak Magnet, who stole it from another blog)

You're a Wild Drunk

You can get enough drink. Seriously, you'll just go puke and start pounding them back again!

What Kind of Drunk Are You?

I answered the questions as if J**** was taking the quiz. Yep, kinda sums him up.

You can tell we are about to have a full moon, because several of my favorite blogs are talking about a deep desire right now to just "throw back" and get sloppy drunk.

Oh well-good thing I've never met them, because as an enabler I'd be their DD (Designated Driver) and hold their heads when they were bringing it all back up. As my youngest would say, "Ewwwwwwwwwwww."

Just Rambling

Blood is thicker than water, but alcohol is a blood thinner. ~me

Just thought I'd say that... thinking off the "top of my head."
Saturday - Sober
Sunday - Sober
Monday - Drunk
Tuesday - Hangover
Wednesday - Been Drinking...

IDEA -- I need to make a meter for this blog that shows the status for the day -- Sober, Drunk, High, Drinking, or Hangover. I think I'll work on it and put it in the title bar -- that might be cute.

J**** and I sat down and talked a tiny bit -- hey that's big -- last night.

• He said he had called and asked M***** S******** to sponsor him in AA. Sorry, but I'm a skeptic and considering the choice of sponsor and the fact that he lives in a different county, I just don't see this "panning out." Hope he proves me wrong.
• He said that he agreed that there is more that both of us can do around the home, etc. I was smarter this time -- I said that we've both been slacking on our duties around the house and need to do better.
• He agreed so we set our goals for today. Me -- I will work up a draft budget and clean the middle stairs. His goal for today is to unclog the upstairs bathroom sink (yuck) and clean up all the trash around for tomorrow's pickup. (He failed his goals -- go figure)

Baby steps.

I love my Prozac.

We all had dental and eye doctor appointments yesterday. I need glasses for working on the computer, J**** needs glasses because he can't see far off, and G***** will need glasses too. J**** needs $1,500 worth of dental work and G***** has two tiny cavities where "sugarbugs" are trying to make a home, and I need to see a joint specialist for my TMJ.

School has started today. Two kids off to school - they were so grown-up. Hope Daddy doesn't use this as an excuse to drink. His excuse on Monday was that his baby girl was going to school, he was hot, tired, and nobody was home because we were at the school function. Well dumb*ss you could have went with us... Excuses suck.

Got home from work early today to see girls get off of school bus and he was home and drunken neighbor was here.

I really need to start working on my own recovery because this is going nowhere and this family is just spinning its wheels. Anyway -- He was not just right, told me drunken neighbor had come over of own accord, but we have Vonage and you can look on the computer and see who called etc... J**** called drunken neighbor. I leave to go get son and get home -- it's worse, vodka I'd say. I pour out what is left because I just don't want to deal with it and then he says his Uncle had called and had to see him. J**** has no license, I know Uncle C and he wouldn't want J**** to attempt to drive. So LIAR. Anyway, I hide my van keys and get his keys away from him, because the big dufus was going to drive his vehicle with NO TAGS!!!!! Duh -- sometimes I think he huffed way too much paint as a kid and killed way too many brain cells..

So he's not here -- he called my cousin S**** to come and get him to go buy POT and we only have 7 bucks to our name until Friday. Getting it on front. No Uncle C direly needing him. Just wanting to get high.

He sucks.

My house is messy again, I'm broke,and did I say? -- He sucks.

Access Blocked

One of my favorite "coping mechanisms" has been taken away from me at work. If I try to contact my online Al-anon friends, this is what I get. If I want to look at this blog or anything else on Blogger, this is what I get. Flickr, Youtube, Bible searches, my bank, you name it, this is what I get. It is making me NUTS. Thanks Governor Fletcher for Reining In" insteading of "Unbridling" this Kentucky Spirit. You do realize that was a sarcastic statement. It's not just me -- the Commonwealth of Kentucky employs close to 60,000 individuals they all are being blocked from all of the same sites all over a little politics.

NOTE: I understand that from 8-4:30 I am their employee and they are not there for my surfing pleasure. But for a government entity to censor on such a large scale the web, and the magnitude of micromanagement involved in such an endeavor that should be handled by immediate supervisor is unreasonable.

Access Blocked

The Web page you are trying to reach has been blocked
by the Commonwealth's Content Security Management system.

If you feel this page is being blocked in error, please contact
your Local Administrator.

If you do not have a Local Administrator, please contact
the Commonwealth Office of Technology's Help Desk via e-mail.
Using the link below will help send us the appropriate information:

Cot-XXXXXXXX@ky.gov

If you can't e-mail, please call 502-564-XXXX

Commonwealth of Kentucky Homepage (http://kentucky.gov).

Alcohol

You! I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.
You are despicable.
You are self-centered.
You are manipulative.
You are thoughtless.
You betray anyone around you.
You have ruined my life.
You are NOT a disease.
You are Satan incarnate.

You are a murderer.
You destroy all hope.
You destroy all love.
You destroy relationships, people, and children.
You destroy mothers and fathers.
You make me sad.
You make me mad.
You spit on God's laws.
You are Temptation in a bottle.

You have made me miserable.
You cause me pain.
You cause me anxiety.
You make me cry.
You make me afraid.
You make me want to avoid all who use you.
You are my enemy.
You are the ultimate terrorist in my life.
You win!!!!

Alcohol -- you can have him. He desires you more than me, his children, or his home.
Alcohol -- stay away from me and MY babies. He can be your sacrificial lamb.

by me.

No Meeting, No Peace

The plan for last night was for the family to go to Al-Anon and AA face to face meetings that provided babysitting. Yesterday was a very hot day and I knew he would be tired when he got home. I fixed a big supper, let the kids have long tub time. He did not want to go.

The neighborhood drunk came over again, but before he came over he asked J**** to take him to the store. Again, I said NO. This time he didn't, but he did help L**** find someone to take him to the store. J**** is an enabler, too!!

L**** did not leave until 11pm and yes J**** was drunk. No matter how hard he denies that he drank anything, I know drunk. He was beligerent (vodka). He griped, was mean to the kittens and our big goofy dog, and kept manipulating me by being loud, so to keep him quiet and not wake the kids, I stayed up with him and listened to him rant.

He has found this blog and it makes him angry. I told him I will NOT stop blogging, this is my release. He saw IM chat with my boss and friend. Yes, a male, and I had to hear about that. Yes, we banter with each other harmless flirty stuff. But, that is my personality, he knows me. So he is jealous of the fact that I can talk to someone else and that this person is a male. I explained to him that W**** has been through some of the same things in the past and has one he** of a woman standing behind him that I thoroughly respect.

W**** is my friend, like a brother, and strangely my boss. He is nothing more and I respect him for the patience that he has had with me while going through these personal issues.

J**** is the love of my life and I am a very loyal individual. I believe the worst betrayal in the world would be to be unfaithful to a spouse. It was done to me once and it hurts, I would never do such a thing to someone that I love.

I hope that the rollercoaster hasn't been opened for business again. I will tell the neighborhood drunk to stay away. Not to remove temptation from J**** but to remove the stress from my life. There.

By the way -- new pics on my flicker link. Check them out. "Proud Mommy."