Dammit

I suspect that he has fallen off of the wagon. I called him today and he sounds tore up. He says that it hurts him so bad that I am accusing him of being drunk. But, when you have lived with someone for so many years, you know how it sounds when they have been drinking. The slur, the annoying smartass way they talk. He says he is just really tired and that he has taken a Tylenol PM.

But here's some things that have been bothering me. I so hope that I am wrong, but I am a realist and I am not going to sugarcoat or fool myself.

Incident 1:

He leaves to get a haircut on a Saturday, May 26 and doesn't return for four hours. The barbershop he said was incredibly full and the wait was terrible. He says he saw a guy he worked with at a previous job painting lines in the parking lot at a jobsite next to the barbershop and helped him move the handicap template to the next lot, then went in to get his haircut. I also know that the pool room is across the road from the barbershop. He came home chewing gum and smelled faintly of alcohol.

Incident 2:

Saturday, June 2 he had to work overtime from Friday night to Saturday morning but was 1 1/2 hours late getting home. I paced the floors, he didn't take his cell phone and didn't give me a courtesy call. I asked him what was going on when he came home and he said that the supervisor was so pleased with their work he took them to breakfast at the Waffle House and that his mama had always told him not to be a fool and turn down free food. He told me he had his usual the pork chop breakfast.

Incident 3:

Today.

• He gets off of work at 7:00 a.m. he works less than 10 minutes from the house and doesn't get home until 8:00 a.m. He says that they had to work over for a few minutes.
• I get in the van and see his receipt from the night before and he had withdrawn an extra $30. We are working on getting our budget straight, so I call and say -- Hey, what's with the $30. He says he gave $15 on a baby shower gift card that they were taking up for at work and spent the rest in the machines at work. He had $2.00 left. First -- $15 is a lot to give for an office gift and $12 is a lot to spend in the machines, especially when the wife has packed you a huge supper of meatloaf and green beans (two of his favorites).
• While talking to him about the money -- I ask what he is doing -- he says mowing the yard and he is taking a break. I need to hang up - so I call him back about 5 minutes later and I hear the mower, he answers the phone. I think that drunken neighbor (remember him) is probably mowing the yard and J**** has paid him with the money he got. I ask him how can you hear the phone, answer and sound so clear and mow the yard all at the same time. I hear him go silent then I hear the mower shut off. He says, I'm just good that way. His speech is beginning to sound thicker and he is getting really smart alec.
• J**** calls me and tells me to call this number that keeps calling the house and tell them to stop. I say what number, he says some government number. Then he starts bitching about being out of cigarettes. I asked him why he didn't buy them with the money he had last night? Now he sounds really fucked up. I ask him "have you been drinking?" "NO, I have not been drinking, how could you ask me that knowing how hard I have been working on not drinking?" I explained that he sounded like he did when he was drunk and hearing him sound that way makes my stomach tie up in knots and I begin the fight or flight adrenaline rush and all I want to do is protect myself. "No, no, no (whiney making fun of me voice) I'm not drinkin."
• I call the number that has been calling the house. It was the Federal Marshall's office in Lexington. I'm like, "What the hell?" After talking to them I figure out it is a woman from my daughter's dance class that has called. I spoke to her and she said that she was returning a call that had come to her cell phone. Oh, I see -- the dork has been calling numbers on the home caller id because he doesn't know them. She had called our house a couple of weeks ago to R.S.V.P. to the birthday party.
• I call J**** back -- man he sounds rough. I explain and he says, "Oh, that makes sense. I need a fuckin' cigarette, I don't have any cigarettes, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah."
• His mom calls him while we are on the phone and he hangs up to talk to her.
• She calls me and says -- "He sounds like he's been drinking, he's fucked up, if he hasn't been drinking then he has taken something."

Now let me ask -- I'm the man's wife, she's the man's mama. Do you think that both of us could be wrong? Doubtful.

J**** you are a dumbass if you are drinking. You will lose it all this time. I won't have to worry about you not being able to take care of yourself. Now here it is in black and white (or purple and green as this blog would have it.) If you are drinking -- tomorrow is day 1. There will be no more day 1's after tomorrow. You and I will talk - because buddy I am better than that.

FYI -- today would have been day 173, Saturday would have been day 171, haircut Saturday would have been day 164. My question to him is how long were you sober? How long will you be sober starting tomorrow? Cause if you want me, it is a life sentence of sobriety.

By the way -- I lost my debit card today a new one will be mailed within 7 to 10 days.