I Hate this Post...

I was hoping I would never have to blog about this again.

He has started drinking again. I was understanding when he fell off the wagon 21 days ago -- but he is still drinking. Not everyday -- but at least once a week.

When he originally fell off the wagon after over two years of sobriety, it started like this. Once a week. He can't just drink one beer, he has to drink multiple beers. I do believe he is drunk today.

What am I going to do? I don't know. Here's my minds ramblings about the situation.

• His mama says -- search everywhere and find his stash and pour it out. Well I don't have time for all of that and it in itself is an effort in futility - if he wants it that bad, he'll get it another way.
• Threaten him -- remind him the divorce is still active and has never been dropped?
• Sit him down and talk and tell him how I really feel -- while he avoids the subject, changes the topic, does something else...
• Give up
• Run away
• Play little Ms. Mary Sunshine and say -- "Oh, it isn't that bad." and ignore it (Oh yeah, that's what my Mama would do.)
• I'm inclined to tell him to leave and go live with his dad, drive his dad's car and take care of his dad until he can grow up and put us and God first in his life.

Okay -- Let's do this logically -- Here's an article on relapse:

Alcohol Relapse

Rates of Alcohol Relapse - My Angst In Red

Approximately 90% of individuals who had a problem with alcohol experience at least one relapse in the four years (4 years, hell it ain't even been one year) following treatment (What treatment?) (Polich, 1981). Similar relapse rates occur for recovering smokers and heroin addicts. This suggests that many addictive behaviors may share the same behavioral, biochemical, and cognitive components (Hunt, 1971).

Reasons for Alcohol Relapse

In a study done by Marlatt, GA; it was found that the shift from the first drink (following a period of abstinence) to excessive relapse drinking is dependent on an individual's reaction to that drink. The study found that a majority of relapses were triggered by three situations that the researchers deemed high risk: anger/frustration, temptation, and social pressure. (When he first started back -- I don't really know how any of these were factors -- our money situation was good, we were doing things together as a family -- I think the social pressure and the craving was getting to him.)

Preventing Alcohol Relapse

* Maintain stability - resist the urge to move, travel, assume a new job, or make any drastic life changes that could induce stress and drinking (NEW JOB? yeah he got a job but he never had a real job before this, now I fear he'll end up losing this one.)
* Join a support group (choose one that is a good fit for you) (He refuses)
* Have a daily reflection period (Nope)
* Take responsibility for you actions (Blames everyone else right now, his parents, me, the kids stressing him out, no sleep, his coworkers, you name it.)
* Take control of your life, don't procrastinate and let things slide -- PLEASE!!!

A Great site with some great insight -- WOW - RELAPSE SIGNS.

Relapse Signs and Symptoms - Things I've Noticed are Highlighted

Experiencing Post Acute Withdrawal: I start having problems with one or more of the following; thinking difficulties, emotional overreaction problems, sleep disturbances, memory difficulties, becoming accident prone, and/or starting to experience a serious sensitivity to stress.

Return To Denial: I stop telling others what I’m thinking/feeling and start trying to convince myself or others that everything is all right, when in fact it is not.

Avoidance And Defensive Behavior: I start avoiding people who will give me honest feedback and/or I start becoming irritable and angry with them.

Starting To Crisis Build: I start to notice that ordinary everyday problems become overwhelming and no matter how hard I try, I can’t solve my problems.

Feeling Immobilized (Stuck): I start believing that there is nowhere to turn and no way to solve my problems. I feel trapped and start to use magical thinking.

Becoming Depressed: I start feeling down-in-the dumps and have very low energy. I may even become so depressed that I start thinking of suicide.

Compulsive And/Or Impulsive Behaviors (Loss Of Control): I start using one or more of the following- food, sex, caffeine, nicotine, work, gambling, etc. often in an out of control fashion. And/or I may react without thinking of the consequences of my behavior on myself and others.

Urges And Cravings (Thinking About Drinking/Using): I begin to think that alcohol/drug use is the only way to feel better. I start thinking about justifications to drink/use and convince myself that using is the logical thing to do.

Chemical Loss Of Control (Drinking/Using): I find myself drinking/using again to solve my problems. I start to believe that “it’s all over ‘till I hit bottom, so I may as well enjoy this relapse while it’s good.” My problems continue to get worse.

Adapted from Terence T. Gorski's Warning Sign Identification Process
THE TEN MOST COMMON RELAPSE DANGERS

1. Being in the presence of drugs or alcohol, drug or alcohol users, or places where you used or bought chemicals.
2. Feelings we perceive as negative, particularly anger; also sadness, loneliness, guilt, fear, and anxiety.
3. Positive feelings that make you want to celebrate.
4. Boredom.
5. Getting high on any drug.
6. Physical pain.
7. Listening to war stories and just dwelling on getting high.
8. Suddenly having a lot of cash.
9. Using prescription drugs that can get you high even if you use them properly.
10. Believing that you no longer have to worry (complacent). That is, that you are no longer stimulated to crave drugs/alcohol by any of the above situations, or by anything else – and therefore maybe it’s safe for you to use occasionally.

RELAPSE ATTITUDES


SOBRIETY IS BORING
I’LL NEVER DRINK/USE AGAIN
I CAN DO IT MYSELF
I’M NOT AS BAD AS …..
I OWE THIS ONE TO ME
MY PROBLEMS CAN’T BE SOLVED
I WISH I WAS HAPPY
I DON’T CARE
IF NOBODY ELSE CARES, WHY SHOULD I?
THINGS HAVE CHANGED
I CAN SUBSTITUTE
THEY DON’T KNOW WHAT THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT
THERE’S GOT TO BE A BETTER WAY
I CAN’T CHANGE THE WAY I THINK
IF I MOVE, EVERYTHING WILL CHANGE
I LIKE MY OLD FRIENDS
I CAN DO THINGS DIFFERENTLY
NOBODY NEEDS TO KNOW HOW I FEEL
I’M DEPRESSED
I SEE THINGS MY WAY ONLY
I FEEL HOPELESS
I CAN HANDLE IT
IF I HIDE BEHIND EVERYONE ELSE’S PROBLEMS, I WON’T
HAVE TO FACE MY OWN
I CAN’T DO IT
WHY TRY

I really need to think this one over and sit him down and have a long long talk. I do love him. I'm disappointed in him, but... I'm going to ask him -- what's it going to be bud? Me or your bud?

What is this rash?

Help me diagnose -- more rashy pics below...
She's almost 6, has had a low grade fever, this yucky rash, her eyes are itchy and says the light hurts her eyes, the rash does NOT itch, she does have sensitive skin, and in the past she has had roseola (but she was real young then).

Any ideas? We're going to doctor tomorrow if it doesn't go away. I have her quarantined from non-family children today.

How do you pray?

As a child my parents taught me to pray --

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep,
If I should die before I wake,
I pray the Lord my soul to take.

God is great,
God is good,
Let us thank Him for our food.

The "grace" before our meal -- now that was fine, it made sense to me as a child, but the bedtime prayer -- I didn't understand the concept of soul, and I surely didn't want to die in my sleep.

So, I haven't taught my children to pray using nifty little poems. I have taught them to pray like they are talking to their daddy. To hear them telling God about their day, asking Him to help them, thanking Him for things they have, it makes my heart happy. I hope they will keep up this habit of a healthy prayer life.

I Thessalonians 5:17 says simply; "Pray without ceasing."

I have witnessed prayer work in my life. I have seen God's hand working in my life when I pray. But sometimes, I forget to pray and when I do -- since God gives us free will (a whole other topic) I believe he says -- okay, I guess she thinks she can handle this one on her own, let's see how she does. But like a prodigal daughter, I return to Him and pray for His help and amazingly enough things get better. I make better decisions, situations get better. I am constantly in awe of the effects of prayer.

What do you pray for?

I keep my prayers simple, ask for His guidance, His wisdom, and I reveal to Him my gratitude for all the wondrous things I have as blessings in my life.

I pray for:

• Myself to be a good mom. For God to give me patience and understanding.
• For my children to be healthy, strong, happy, and to live a life in service to Him. I also thank Him everyday for these three beautiful miracles he has given to me.
• For my husband, for Him to give him temperance, patience, to continue in his sobriety. I thank Him for holding J****'s hand through this time of his life, for the progress that J**** has made. I also pray that J**** doesn't return to his old ways and I let the Lord know that I fear that he will return to his ways. He has been drinking on and off for a few weeks now. I ask God to give me wisdom in handling this and to give J**** strength.
• I pray for my niece, for her happiness and her health. For her children and her family. I ask God to help her defeat this disease sarcoidosis.
• I thank God for my job and understanding employers. I ask Him to help me to do my best everyday.
• I pray for my brother and sister, to protect them, to be in their lives and to let me be a light in their life to return to God's fold.
• I pray for my aging parents and thank God for giving me parents that love me to the extent that they do. I pray for their health and pray that my father will find happiness and closure to the things that have happened in his life.
• I pray for my internet friends who through the anonymity of blogs and forums pour out their hearts to total strangers as I do looking for input and comfort.
• I pray for the Church in the hopes that it will grow and thank Him for the opportunity to worship Him.
• I thank him for all that He has given me. I am not rich, I am fed, clothed, sheltered, and have no needs.
• I ask Him to give me wisdom, to be a good steward of the money that He has blessed me.
• I ask Him for willpower to stay with my efforts to lose weight and be healthy.
• I pray for the leaders of the land to be wise and for our soldiers to be safe and to come home soon.
• When someone tells me of illness, hardship, etc... I try to remember them in my prayers and ask Him to help them.

I do not pray for:

• things
• money
• quick fixes
• revenge

Why pray?

Frankly, it works. In al-anon and AA you are taught to have a higher power. You need someone stronger than yourself to ask for help. You need faith to keep the worries away.

The other day J**** did not sleep all day. (I believe he had been drinking too.) He said he was worried about me driving a van that had a bad motor, he was worried about his kids riding in that van, he was worried about how we were going to pay for a new motor. He's worried about his dad with no job, no transportation, a fixed income living alone in another town. He's worried about his sister, recently divorced and being harassed by her ex. He was worried about his mother on vacation who promised to call when she got to her destination but hadn't called yet. He was worried about a meeting they had at work. I told him go to bed, say a long prayer and ask God to take your burdens from you and let you sleep. I mentioned it to my mother she said the same thing. "Tell him to go to bed and pray."

Prayer will calm you.

A Mother's Prayer

I need your help today.
I want to care
for those you've sent into my life,
to help them develop the special gifts
you've given them.

But I also want to free them
to follow their own paths
and to bring their loving wisdom
to the world.

Help me
to embrace them without clutching,
to support them without suffocating,
to correct them without crushing.

And help me
to live joyfully and playfully, myself,
so they can see your life in me
and find their way to you.
Amen.

Murphy Knocked - but No Answer Here

Bwah hah hah!!! Gotcha Murphy.

A minor setback has occurred with my debt snowball, but never fear -- it will get rolling again.

The repairs to the van will use up the emergency fund -- buy hey!! that is what the emergency fund is for. I am so proud of this because I don't have to ask Mama and Daddy to pay for this for me.

So here's the new plan.

BS1 -- Replenish the Emergency Fund of $1,000 -- goal 8/15.

I could do this quicker -- but school clothes/supplies will need to be purchased prior to August 1.

BS2 -- Debt Snowball -- on hold.
Hold off on snowball for another expenditure that I do not want to charge -- because credit is a major no no. The van needs new tires -- I think I can do this by September 1 -- along with giving Daughter #2 a great birthday like her sister and going to Michigan for the family reunion.

Snowball will resume 9/15

Here's our new monthly budget:

	Out	In
Her Pay		$2,916.00
His Pay		$1,600.00
Car Payment	$ 347.13
Utility: Gas	$ 60.00
Utility: Electricity	$ 50.00
Utility: Water	$ 30.00
Cell Phone	$ 70.00
Utility: Cable/Internet	$ 80.00
Bank Loan	$ 167.75
Student Loan	$ 50.00
Student Loan	$ 67.00
Auto Insurance/Tax	$ 60.00
Utility: Phone	$ 30.20
Weight Watchers	$ 39.95
Mortgage	$ 1,005.86
Unsecured Loan	$ 145.01
TMMO Subscription	$ 8.95
School Lunches	$ 60.00
Dance Class	$ 135.00
CC1	$ 15.00
CC2	$ 15.00
CC3	$ 43.00
Grocery	$ 440.00
Gas	$ 200.00
Church	$ 80.00
Tobacco habits	$ 150.00
His Spending	$ 200.00
Her Spending	$ 200.00
Sinking Funds	$ 200.00
Snowball	$ 566.15
	$ 3,959.85	$4,516.00
	$ 4,516.00	$4,516.00
Based on a four week month.

I know it is not as "Gazelle Intense" as some would have it -- but we are comfortable with this and it allows my extroverted, social personality type husband to be satisfied. Also, as Dave would say -- this is PERSONAL finance.

It is Hard to Stay Out of IT...

In or family it is hard to stay out of each others' business. Yes, you can say we are meddlesome folks. Why? Not because we are nosy, but because we care.

We were taught that friends come and go, I've found out husbands come and go, but your Mother, Father, Sister, Brother, Children (Relatives all) are there for the long haul.

From the outside looking in I see an individual who is striving to be independent and strong, but it is hard. I see an amazing woman taking on the burdens of father, mother, grandmother, friend, and supporter. Yet, I know she must feel alone. Who can she turn to? Her family, but they are so meddlesome. Mama asks so many questions - I've told her to stop asking so many questions, we will tell her if she just listens. Daddy is condescending and he tends to make you feel small with his snide remarks. Who can she confide in? I tend to give advice that I know she nor I am capable of manifesting. How can you be so harsh to those you love? Tough love as they call it may be tough on those on the receiving end, but the one dishing it out, because of love, feels the deepest of pain in doing so.

We are a nonconfrontational bunch. We hold it in until we just want to burst. We rehearse it over and over in our heads, our stomach ties up into knots. We want to be everything to everybody and put ourselves last. To put ourselves first is hard. When we are finally at our wits end, we have our conversation, unsteady at first until we make our point. This is why we write letters to those we love and we blog, because we can eloquently say what is in our hearts when we write. When our feelings are told we are often met with grief, with yelling, screaming, stomping, and other childlike behaviors. All we wanted is for someone to say, we will do better, we will try harder, we will think about you too, like you have thought about us. We will love you, respect you, and consider your point of view and feelings.

Every parent's hope in life is that they teach their children to stand on their own two feet, to prosper in this life, to make a good life for themselves, choose a partner that will reciprocate the love that we have taught them to give. But in the end when it doesn't happen that way, we feel that we have gone wrong at some point, even though our spouses also had a part in teaching our children by their unsuitable examples.

We hope that we have instilled in our children to look at life's pitfalls as opportunities and not to wallow in self-pity or to give up. Our mother used to say when people called us hard-headed or stubborn, that no, they are not! They are determined. Determination to overcome what life throws in our path has been our strength and will keep being our forte.

We have been instilled with a pride about us from our father. I CAN do it myself. I WILL do it my way. I KNOW what is best. I WILL not take your charity. We rarely ask for help, we take the burdens upon ourselves until we are sick and tired. We see this in our children. We take on the world.

So how can we continue on this path of self-destruction? This path of bearing the burdens of everyone we know. How? Why do we not break? My acquaintances say that you are the most patient woman I know, they comment that "Wow, you handle pressure well, I would have cried, I would not have been able to handle it." How did we get through it? Here's how.

If you would like to hear this song go click here.
Press Ctrl+F and type in Be with Me Lord.
Click the play icon then
Listen and feel comforted.

Bragging

http://www.flickr.com/photos/3xblessed/

Go check out the recital pictures.

Yippee -- My Mechanic Loves Me

It's not going to be as bad as I thought that it would be. All I need after he actually got to tear into the motor is the following:

• New main bearings - The main bearings go between the crank and the engine block. These are made of a softer metal so that you don't wear out your crank or engine block.
• New rod bearings -The connecting rod bearings are metal inserts that go between the crank and the connecting rod.
• New oil pump - An oil pump is a pump designed to supply pressurised oil to a closed system.

$700 ( parts, labor, and towbill) and I get my van back tomorrow.

I prayed hard, real hard -- I know this sounds so Pentecostal -- but God answered my prayers. That's a better number than the $2600 quoted before.

Thank you.

Thar She Blows...

Headed out yesterday morning for a family outing. J****'s workplace was having a picnic at the Kentucky Kingdom. The kids were extremely excited, it was all they talked about all week long. We stopped and got McDonalds breakfast for the kids, went to K-Mart for J**** some swim trunks, got a pack of cigs and head up I-64 for Louisville. Free tickets, free food, full tank of gas, haven't forgotten anything, fresh oil change yesterday. We are living life happy and good.

Yeah, sure.

29 miles to go -- wooo hoooo. Ticka, ticka, tacka, tack. What the hell is that? Give it a little gas -- louder ticka, ticka, tacka, tack, ticka, ticka, tacka, tack, ticka, ticka, tacka, tack, ticka, ticka, tacka, tack. Turn off the radio, turn off the AC...ticka, ticka, tacka, tack, ticka, ticka, tacka, tack, ticka, ticka, tacka, tack, ticka, ticka, tacka, tack, ticka, ticka, tacka, tack, ticka, ticka, tacka, tack, ticka, ticka, tacka, tack, ticka, ticka, tacka, tack. That doesn't sound good. Now what?

Hurstbourne Lane -- let's pull off at a gas station and check the oil. At end of exit --- ticka, ticka the van dies. I start her back up and pull into the BP. J**** gets out and opens the hood. No smoke, no engine light, no oil light, oil is fine, everything looks good. I turn her back on ticka, ticka, tacka, tack. Kids are freaking out and get out of van and stand on sidewalk -- Daddy says "Turn it off I think the engine is about to blow up." Ummmm, don't say blow up in front of a seven and five year old. They run!!! They run to the other end of the sidewalk screaming and jumping, Mommy- Daddy it's going to blow up. The boy is running after them -- it looks fun, hey why not.

Long story short -- we take a cab to Kentucky Kingdom, the van is towed to our mechanic (that's going to be one heck of a tow bill), and my best friend S**** comes to Louisville to pick us up and take us back home.

We had a good time, but boy oh boy -- I am not looking forward to hearing how much this is going to cost. Thank goodness that we have been following the advice of Dave Ramsey and have an emergency fund.

Stay tuned for tomorrow's episode -- what happened to the van? How much will it cost? Will Nay lose her mind?

J**** says it is a valve.
Paw says it is an oil pump.
Daddy says it is a rod.

I say that Valvoline Instant Oil Change did something to screw it up -- it was running fine before I had the oil changed on Friday.

We'll see.

Dedication

I was listening to the radio this morning. It made me think of those I love so dearly that are having a real hard time right now. This is for you husband, Sis, Niece, Mama-in-law and her baby girl.

I am here.

(FYI: This is a video created by a fan, but it is the only place I could find the song. The words are what is important.)



Fall by Clay Walker

Hold up there you go again
Putting on that smile again
Even though I know you’ve had a bad day
Doing this and doing that
Always putting yourself last
A whole lot of give and not enough take

But you can only be strong so long before you break…

So fall go on and fall apart
Fall into these arms of mine
I'll catch you every time you fall
Go on and lose it all
Every doubt every fear every worry every tear
I'm right here
Baby fall

Forget about the world tonight
All that’s wrong and all that’s right
Lay your head on my shoulder let it fade away
And if you wanna let go baby it's okay

Fall go on and fall apart
Fall into these arms of mine
I'll catch you every time you fall
Go on and lose it all
Every doubt, every fear, every worry, every tear
I'm right here
Baby fall

Hold on hold on hold on to me...

Fall go on and fall apart
Fall into these arms of mine
I'll catch you every time you fall
Go on and lose it all
Every doubt, every fear, every worry, every tear
I'm right here
Baby fall

Remember -- I've got some wide shoulders.

Love,
Nay

Update, Dammit

So here's what happened...

He got mad at work, his feelings were hurt, he was frustrated. He came home mowed the yard, got hot and had nothing but water and milk in the house to drink.

Along comes ol' buddy B.S. (love the initials?) B.S. just happened to be in town and had a 12 pack of ice cold Bud Light. Picture Homer Simpson now, mmmmmmmmmmmm beer. J**** drank four beers.

He ran out of cigarettes, walked to Drunken Neighbor's house and bummed a pack off of him. No drinking with Drunken Neighbor.

My reaction to him -- I didn't bitch, I didn't yell. I said -- okay, you made a mistake, now learn from it. Tomorrow is a new day and the ONLY day one you will have. Move on.

Him today:

• very disappointed in himself and he swears that this is the first time;
• very sorry for the hurt he caused me, his Mama, and our kids for our disappointment;
• realizes he screwed up because he was unable to get sober enough to go to work -- his first day missed since he started the job;
• his head hurts really bad;
• his tummy hurts;
• his body hurts;
• and he had beer dick last night -- sometimes you have to make them perform so you can remind them that with beer dick, you can't perform.

The Trigger

Frustration, not having the tools to deal with it, being hot and thinking "damn" that cold beer looks and would taste good. B.S. friend even told him -- man you've done good so far you're a dumbass if you drink this. Well, B.S. if you are that much of a friend, maybe you should have left your beer in the car. Momentary lapse in judgment.

Daughter #1 response

• We come home and F**** is the first one in the house. Big brown eyes come running back to the front door. Quietly and grabs my hand and leads me to kitchen. On the counter is the empty 12 pack box. "Beer" She hugs me around the waist. "I know honey."
• She goes into survival mode -- shhhhh Sissy, shhhh Bubby be quiet, don't wake Daddy he's been drinking.
• Getting ready for bed she said, "Mommy, you said next time you would divorce Daddy." I explained to her that Daddy has done good for 6 months. He made a mistake, if he keeps making the mistake and doesn't get back on track -- then he can't stay. But we all make mistakes, we all forget. Even Mommy makes mistakes and started smoking again. But yes, if Daddy keeps drinking and doesn't learn from today's mistake, he will have to leave.
• At bedtime, we are laying there "I can't sleep Mommy, I am scared." "Don't be scared, I am here." "But Mommy, I AM scared." "I know baby, I am scared too. All we can do is pray and ask God to help Daddy be strong and help us be okay." We talked, she wasn't "scared" of Daddy, she was scared that the drinking had come back to stay.

Daughter #2 "Super Sleuth"

Flippant child, no cares in the world. Holds it in like the typical middle child. But, runs outside and immediately starts searching. Runs into house with bottle in hand, "Mommy, found the beer bottles. All of them are empty." She then proceeds to search all of his known hiding spots and declares that all is well -- reporting that there appears to be no more beer on the premises. She tickles me.

The SON

He sees the beer bottle and says in his precious lilting voice, "Daddy?"

For those of you who have or have had an alcohol problem. These children are ages 7, 5, and 2. Don't ever think that they are too young to be effected. The seven year old is too adult and attune to alcoholism and shouldn't be. The five year old is too obsessed with taking it in. The two year old knows what it is -- even after 6 months. Stop and think, it's not all you.

His Mama

She's disappointed, she understands, she's amazed he made it this long, her feelings are hurt, she admits that she feels to blame. This is a huge confession on her part. She says she feels guilty for the way he grew up and feels that she should have kept him safer from the influence. She said she prays that I never have to see one of my children have a problem with addictions. Folks this is major.

My Sister

She hadn't read my blog yet, I told her and she said "Dammit." We are too much alike. She was disappointed and had been so proud of him. She is still proud of him, if he realizes and moves on.

We all love you J****, we are all there for you, never think you have to go through daily frustrations alone -- we are here. Don't lean on the bottle, lean on us. You've proved that you can do it -- just get up, brush it off, and keep on tugging.

Dammit

I suspect that he has fallen off of the wagon. I called him today and he sounds tore up. He says that it hurts him so bad that I am accusing him of being drunk. But, when you have lived with someone for so many years, you know how it sounds when they have been drinking. The slur, the annoying smartass way they talk. He says he is just really tired and that he has taken a Tylenol PM.

But here's some things that have been bothering me. I so hope that I am wrong, but I am a realist and I am not going to sugarcoat or fool myself.

Incident 1:

He leaves to get a haircut on a Saturday, May 26 and doesn't return for four hours. The barbershop he said was incredibly full and the wait was terrible. He says he saw a guy he worked with at a previous job painting lines in the parking lot at a jobsite next to the barbershop and helped him move the handicap template to the next lot, then went in to get his haircut. I also know that the pool room is across the road from the barbershop. He came home chewing gum and smelled faintly of alcohol.

Incident 2:

Saturday, June 2 he had to work overtime from Friday night to Saturday morning but was 1 1/2 hours late getting home. I paced the floors, he didn't take his cell phone and didn't give me a courtesy call. I asked him what was going on when he came home and he said that the supervisor was so pleased with their work he took them to breakfast at the Waffle House and that his mama had always told him not to be a fool and turn down free food. He told me he had his usual the pork chop breakfast.

Incident 3:

Today.

• He gets off of work at 7:00 a.m. he works less than 10 minutes from the house and doesn't get home until 8:00 a.m. He says that they had to work over for a few minutes.
• I get in the van and see his receipt from the night before and he had withdrawn an extra $30. We are working on getting our budget straight, so I call and say -- Hey, what's with the $30. He says he gave $15 on a baby shower gift card that they were taking up for at work and spent the rest in the machines at work. He had $2.00 left. First -- $15 is a lot to give for an office gift and $12 is a lot to spend in the machines, especially when the wife has packed you a huge supper of meatloaf and green beans (two of his favorites).
• While talking to him about the money -- I ask what he is doing -- he says mowing the yard and he is taking a break. I need to hang up - so I call him back about 5 minutes later and I hear the mower, he answers the phone. I think that drunken neighbor (remember him) is probably mowing the yard and J**** has paid him with the money he got. I ask him how can you hear the phone, answer and sound so clear and mow the yard all at the same time. I hear him go silent then I hear the mower shut off. He says, I'm just good that way. His speech is beginning to sound thicker and he is getting really smart alec.
• J**** calls me and tells me to call this number that keeps calling the house and tell them to stop. I say what number, he says some government number. Then he starts bitching about being out of cigarettes. I asked him why he didn't buy them with the money he had last night? Now he sounds really fucked up. I ask him "have you been drinking?" "NO, I have not been drinking, how could you ask me that knowing how hard I have been working on not drinking?" I explained that he sounded like he did when he was drunk and hearing him sound that way makes my stomach tie up in knots and I begin the fight or flight adrenaline rush and all I want to do is protect myself. "No, no, no (whiney making fun of me voice) I'm not drinkin."
• I call the number that has been calling the house. It was the Federal Marshall's office in Lexington. I'm like, "What the hell?" After talking to them I figure out it is a woman from my daughter's dance class that has called. I spoke to her and she said that she was returning a call that had come to her cell phone. Oh, I see -- the dork has been calling numbers on the home caller id because he doesn't know them. She had called our house a couple of weeks ago to R.S.V.P. to the birthday party.
• I call J**** back -- man he sounds rough. I explain and he says, "Oh, that makes sense. I need a fuckin' cigarette, I don't have any cigarettes, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah."
• His mom calls him while we are on the phone and he hangs up to talk to her.
• She calls me and says -- "He sounds like he's been drinking, he's fucked up, if he hasn't been drinking then he has taken something."

Now let me ask -- I'm the man's wife, she's the man's mama. Do you think that both of us could be wrong? Doubtful.

J**** you are a dumbass if you are drinking. You will lose it all this time. I won't have to worry about you not being able to take care of yourself. Now here it is in black and white (or purple and green as this blog would have it.) If you are drinking -- tomorrow is day 1. There will be no more day 1's after tomorrow. You and I will talk - because buddy I am better than that.

FYI -- today would have been day 173, Saturday would have been day 171, haircut Saturday would have been day 164. My question to him is how long were you sober? How long will you be sober starting tomorrow? Cause if you want me, it is a life sentence of sobriety.

By the way -- I lost my debit card today a new one will be mailed within 7 to 10 days.