I really appreciate all of your comments to my posts. They give me insight from an "outside looking in" view.
We've been over my hangups in this blog many times - so to repeat them would be an effort in futility.
Dana -- as you say about your ex. "I love him more than oxygen."
When he is on his best behaviour I am in heaven. Right now -- he IS on his best behaviour. Times like this I grab with gusto and like an alcoholic with an addiction, I want more. More of his conversation, more of his intimacy, more of those bad boy green eyes, more of watching him with our kids, more, more, more. I fear, yes, I know it will not last forever, but for now, I need it. We are a happy family in a very messy house - FOR NOW.
I am crying as I write this post. I feel I am letting you my readers and especially my family down, by not saying hey rectum. Leave!!!!
Sister tells mama how strong I am -- I'm not that strong, I am scared and grasping.
Funny aside: The other day, I referred to J**** as rectum, and then referred to my niece's husband as rectum. My sister and niece were present. My sister commented, sigh "I have no rectum." My dry sense of humor (inherited from daddy): "Well, no wonder you are so full of shit." Ka Boom Ching. Yeah, Yeah you had to be there. Hey I made her laugh -- a good thing.
I love you all and thank you so much for your support and your PATIENCE with me.
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A lesson to be learned from a horrible thing...
There is a young man that our family knows. He did an unthinkable, horrible thing. He is messed up on drugs very, very, bad. This is definitively NO EXCUSE for his horrible act. He is at least 6 foot 2 and weighs a good 300 pounds in his early to mid 20's. Whacked out on drugs he brutally beat and repeatedly raped an eight year old girl. I don't know if she lived or what her physical condition may be at this time. I've heard of the types of wounds and I cry each time I think of her frail body and this large man.
This man (I use the term as a gender indicator and nothing else) has been in my home. This man was at a family member's home this past weekend. As a teenager he would come to my home each night "just in time" for supper and would talk to me and hug me each time when he left,like a starved child grasping for peace in our "safe" home.
He, from what I understand was sexually abused as a child.
Please everyone -- you can NEVER be too careful about who you allow around your children. Your peers are their peers. Thank God we have gotten away from many of those peers.
Hug them tightly and thank GOD for them every chance you get. Keep a watchful eye as our Lord keeps a watchful eye over you and me. Please keep her in your prayers.
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Hypochondriac
My mother in law told me the other day that my speech pattern was a sign of someone who had at some point had a stroke. Well, now every pain, every twinge, every mispronounced word or phrase makes me wonder. -- Sister will laugh -- because her son and I are similar and yes Sis -- I too have all of the symptoms of sarcoidosis.
2 comments:
Oh my god you made me cry! Your sister is right you ARE strong. Thoughts are with you and that poor little girl and her family.
My dear sweet friend, please do not feel like you are letting anybody down by the way you chose to pilot your life. Your life belongs to you, and you own each day, each decision, each choice. We have no expectations of you, and our shared words are all given to you in a spirit of love. You have chosen to share with us; your friends, family, and (in my case) complete strangers, pieces of your life via this blog. We are interested, empathic, concerned when you are worried, and joyous when you are courageous. As we are inspired by your strength...we are occasionally also inspired to share back some of our lives as well. We (I) don't do that to ridicule you or to make you feel bad in any way shape or form.
Girl, we are rooting for you to have a life that is happy healthy and free. Free to enjoy the beauty and opportunity each day brings to you and your children and everyone else that you love and hold dear to you. Only you can decide what choices will make that life the fullest and most complete that it can be. Over these many years, I have had to be reminded by circumstances over and over that I create my own reality. During those times that I hated my world, I had done a pretty crappy job of creating my reality. But owning that, acknowledging it, making myself responsible for my creation... that forced me to seize each day and live in it like it is mine to do with as I wish. Because ya know what? IT IS MINE! (I didn't used to know that...)
Every morning I thank The Universe (read: God, Allah, Budda, Higher Power, Goddess, etc...) for the air, the earth, my immeasurable wealth in having a mostly healthy body, productive children who survived my rearing, glorious grandchildren who think I wake up the sun every morning and put it to bed at night, tomatoes hanging on the vines in my backyard, hummingbirds sipping from the feeder outside my window... Most days, I'm content to just be living in my skin. Having gratitude for the little things has made me able to weather the big stuff much better. I know what challenges you face every day. I know the conflict, the fear, the hope, the days of contentment. I will always celebrate your days with you, validate your choices, and keep on rooting for you to be everything that you have the potential to be. The value of your life, of a single day in that life, of a day in the life of your child... it is immeasurable. You have such strength, and you have empowered yourself with knowledge and understanding of alcoholism, of codependence, and of the important phases of your childrens developmemnt. Knowledge is power, as you know. You are, each day, achieving exactly what you are supposed to be. Reaching for your potential. A day at a time. I applaud your ability to access the resources and information that is available to lift you up.
The bumper sticker on my car reads "Namaste", and if you are unfamiliar with this word, I would like to tell you what it means. It is Hindi, derived from Sanskrit, and it is a greeting used where Hello or Goodbye might be used in English. But the meaning is very different. It is not an easy translation, but in essence, it means... I recognize that within each of us is a place where Divinity dwells, and that the Spirit in me, that light of god, acknowledges and greets that Spirit light of god in you. It honors the sacredness of the interconnectedness of us all, and honors the source of that connection.
We are all comrades on this journey. Some of us even get to travel the same roads, and it's our job to hold our lantern high to light the way for those who follow the paths we've already walked. All is in good faith and with a loving spirit.
Thank you for letting me and others share in your journey. I learn and grow from reading your story, and I hope you learn and grow from the comments we leave for you.
Namaste, my friend. Dana
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