1) What Happened Monday Night --
Monday, September 18, 2006
It was raining and J**** had to be at court at 9:00 to "show cause" on the payment of his DUI fine. He had $300 to post to the fine and needed to be at the court house early to deliver the payment. I had some errands to run in town also. So I told him I'd drop him off at the court house. I dropped him off at 8:15 and he said he was hungry so I gave him a twenty (all I had on me) and he said he would go across the street to a greasy spoon for biscuits and gravy.
I ran my errands and went to work. Finally heard from him around lunch time. Sounded to me like he had already been drinking but he said that he was still waiting for the judge to see him. He said that the judge was giving people 90 more days to pay the rest of their fine.
After work, I picked up the kids and went to get my Father-in-law to take him to pick up his car that was in for repairs. This would end up being a two and a half hour adventure. Suffice to say -- car wasn't fixed, he was mad, and kids were very restless.
When we got home, I still had not heard from J****, I fed kids, helped F**** with her homework and the phone rings, it is J****. "I'm walking down mainstreet and coming home." I say, "Where have you been? What did the judge say?" J - "Whatever you fucking bitch -- I'll see you." He hangs up. Phone rings again, "Fuck You, Fuck You, Bitch." I don't remember how many more times this happens, until he gets home. But it was annoying. During this time he also hits wrong button and calls Sis and she tells him "Do you know who this is?" Click.
I forewarn the children -- Daddy's been drinking, ignore him, do not argue with him, just finish what you are doing because it is almost bedtime. F**** says, "he always tries to fight with me when he's been drinking mama."
7:45 pm -- In the door he comes. Mental picture -- It has been raining. Pants hanging half way down his ass, fly unzipped, and one shoe gone. Where in the world or how in the world he lost his shoe befuddles me.
I act like nothing is wrong with him, "Hello, uh, ummm, where's your shoe?" J-"What the fuck do you care?" He disappears down the stairs to pee. He returns, J - "Where the hell have you been?" I remind him about having to take care of his father and told him I had left him a voicemail to that affect. J-"Now I'm really mad." Not sure why he is mad, mad because his dad's car is still in need of more repair or mad because I gave his dad a ride but didn't come and pick him up while he was walking in the rain. Oh well. He goes into other room looking for his other shoe.
He returns, J-"Hey baby." wants to hug me and kiss me. I have my hands full of supper dishes and tell him to hang on a sec. I go to table and help F**** spell a word. J**** sits down beside F**** and begins asking her what she is doing and "helping" her think of words. F-"Daddy, leave me alone you've been drinking." He picks up the boy and wrestles him, sits him down, boy retreats. He starts picking on G*****, who thinks this attention is grand. I start getting stuff ready for bed. G***** is having fun, F**** comes over feeling left out and Daddy starts wrestling her, but too rough. Has her on tile floor, next day F**** has a bruise on her arm.
I get her up and stand between her and her Daddy and tell her F**** it is time to go to bed. She runs around me and up the stairs, turns and looks. J**** has grabbed my legs, "Woman, you want to wrestle." I respond, "Not right now, it's time to put the babies to bed." I turn and get all that I need and he says "Bitch." his fist is clinched. He doesn't say why he is angry. Again "Bitch, Fucking Bitch" I say his name softly, "J****" "Bitch" "J**** honey, I need to put the babies to bed." He is blocking my way. "Don't talk to me, you Fucking Bitch." F**** is still watching. I look into her eyes. I point for her to go to her room, she is frozen. He reaches his arm behind my head and grabs my hair and pulls me backward. He raises his fist. F**** screams, Mooooooooooooommmmmmmmmmmyyyyyyyy" That was the longest moment in my life hearing my baby scream. Then "Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaddddddddddyyyyyyyy" "Stttoooooooooooooopppppppppp." "Don't hurt my Mommy."
An aside now -- I was raised in an alcoholic home and am personally not afraid of a drunk. In fact, sad to say I believe I can handle an angry or crazed drunk better than an angry or crazed sober individual. Back to the scene:
I reach up and put his face between my hands and force him to look into my eyes. ( I believe we are in a blackout.) "J****, this is your wife, I love you. J****, stop what you are doing. J****, your babies are watching you." A look of realization comes to his eyes. He lets go and goes outside to smoke.
I put all three babies in my bed. Note: G***** did not see this event. The Boy was running around being a boy. F**** was terrified. By the way -- since this episode I have had myself and three babies in my bed everynight. They are still afraid.
A minute later I hear him coming up the stairs. I tell them let's play a game, pretend to be asleep and see how quiet we can be. In the room comes Daddy. I am sitting up holding the Boy on my shoulder rocking him to sleep. J-"Where's my cigarettes?" Me-"I don't know." J-"I need some cigarettes." Me-"When I get the babies to sleep I'll go and get you some cigarettes." His face changed. "That's not good enough you Fucking Bitch." He reached out and put his right hand around my neck, I put the boy on the bed beside of F****, they are all three watching. "I need cigarettes." Me-"Okay, I'll get you some in a minute, go back downstairs so I can get them to sleep." He now places his left hand around my neck." "Fucking Bitch, I'm gonna kill you, kill you, you hear me. That's what I'm gonna do, yeah, you'd better not go to sleep, I'm gonna kill your ass." "You just wait Bitch." His hands are still around my neck. I move my hand up to my neck and work my fingers beneath his thumbs and again look him straight in the eye. Me-"J**** you need to stop. J**** go downstairs! J**** do you see what you are doing?" "J**** NOW!!!" His hands drop to his side, he has a look of fear in his eyes. "Just, I need cigarettes." He goes outside.
Babies are scared. G***** keeps repeating, "Mommy, Daddy says he's going to kill you." I call my sister as I posted earlier. I call my father-in-law to tell him to not call (he was going to call). Things are quiet downstairs. I look at them. they are scared. and remember back to times like this from my childhood. What did I want my mama to do? I wanted her to get us the hell out of there. So that is what we planned together.
I sneak downstairs and he is outside passed out. Thankfully -- I'm not good at putting away laundry. So I grab clothes baskets, backpacks, shoes, etc that they would need for the next day and place it all next to the door. I'm about to make a trip downstairs again and he comes in the house. "What are you doing?" "Nothing had to pee -- I'll be down in a minute." He follows me upstairs and kind of looks around the room. Says "Hmmmmph." Goes back downstairs. Girls want to know if we are leaving. I tell them -- in a minute when I know he's not going to come upstairs. I wait a while, tell them to be real quiet, and go check. He is passed out on the loveseat in the den.
I go upstairs and get babies down to the front door - F**** bumps into door and makes noise--we giggle that little afraid giggle. Everyone has something to carry and I send them to the van. They are in the van. I go back and get the clothes baskets, lock the front door and away we go.
He calls my cell phone -- several times -- NO, I did not answer. (around midnight.)
He calls next morning and says he doesn't remember anything. He had been at the local pool hall, walked across the street to buy whiskey, and drank all day.
The rest is history.
Today he is pouting and telling me that I hate him. I don't hate him, but I feel betrayed, afraid, angry, and very, very, tired and done.
There are no excuses left for me or for him.
and
2) My Sister
Go read her blog it is crazy everywhere. http://a-real-live-soap-opera/blogspot.com.
4 comments:
Once again, I am grateful that my alcoholic didn't get this bad, at least not when he was at home. Of course, the same drama went on in front of the children because I knew something was going on when he wasn't at home. And I wanted to nag it out of him. I chose to be crazy, over the unseen. Much later, when he finally got sober, he told an audience on his first birthday that he had hid his disease really well. Finally, I realized I hadn't been crazy, just someone without tools to handle my suspicions and fears. I am truly grateful I got the tools I needed in Al-Anon, for all our sakes.
I remember times where I'd sleep on the couch with a screwdriver under the pillow because I never knew how an ex would act when he came home wasted. And for years I couldn't sleep unless my bedroom door was locked and I was under the covers.
I thank God I don't have to live like that anymore. You shouldn't, either. It doesn't matter if he knows what he's doing or not. The fact of the matter is he's doing it, period, and you're catching the consequences. It's not fair to you or your kids.
R****, I know you personally, and I'm going to tell you this because I love you. If you continue to live in that house w/ that man, you are just as guilty as he is for every bit of emotional damage that happens to your kids. Having grown up in a house like yours myself, I'm begging you to DUMP THIS LOSER and don't look back. If you care nothing at all for yourself, DO IT FOR YOUR CHILDREN.
You're not going to fix your husband. And forcing him to hit rock bottom may just save his life. Get out now.
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