Who Am I?

Ok -- I had a comment that said that I need to do a personal inventory of myself. Wow -- a summation of who I am? I have said lots about who I am in this blog, but never summed it up. I guess that one song might sum it up that is sung by Meredith Brooks:


BITCH
I hate the world today
You're so good to me
I know but I can't change
Tried to tell you
But you look at me like maybe
I'm an angel underneath
Innocent and sweet
Yesterday I cried
Must have been relieved to see
The softer side
I can understand how you'd be so confused
I don't envy you
I'm a little bit of everything
All rolled into one

Chorus:
I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way
So take me as I am
This may mean
You'll have to be a stronger man
Rest assured that
When I start to make you nervous
And I'm going to extremes
Tomorrow I will change
And today won't mean a thing

Chorus
Just when you think, you got me figured out
The season's already changing
I think it's cool, you do what you do
And don't try to save me

Chorus
I'm a bitch, I'm a tease
I'm a goddess on my knees
When you hurt, when you suffer
I'm your angel undercover
I've been numb, I'm revived
Can't say I'm not alive
You know I wouldn't want it any other way

Hmmmmmmmmmmmm -- that's me tongue in cheek responses to questions about who I really am. A personal inventory -- it's scary Steve but thanks for getting me to thinking about it. Let me put it on paper first - but tongue in cheek aside -- a lot of the words to that song ring true.

Thanks for the advice.
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Here's a blog post that touched me deeply. Go read Charmin' Just Charmin' he has two posts today in particular -- 1) Anniversary Pizza and 2) Forty three years ago.

Ain't they cute.

End of Year - Hope 2007 is better for all

Good Things --

• I have three healthy, smart, beautiful babies.
• I quit smoking.
• I've made lots of friends in blogland.
• I'm sticking to my guns.
• I've started following the Dave Ramsey plan.
• My sister is my bestest friend.

Bad Things --

• I've gained at least 13 pounds since I stopped smoking.
• I'm in financial hell.
• I'm still estranged & getting stranger.
• My van is out of commission.
  

Things --

• I've got a good job, with great bosses and coworkers, who tolerate me more than they should.
• I've got a meddlesome mom and dad who love us very much.
• I've got a meddlesome mother-in-law who loves her son very much.
• Life is not all bad.

In retrospect.

Much of this year has been wasted by trying to fix an alcoholic. I've had to learn to live by the "three c's of al-anon you didn't cause it, you couldn't cure it, and you couldn't control it and the three a's awareness, acceptance, then action." For an adult child of an alcoholic who has felt that it was her job to take care of everyone and everything, these tenets are near impossible to put into effect in your life. I've wasted a lot of energy on him and I WILL NOT waste the New Year on these efforts. 2007 is for me and my three babies. I can look back and see things that I should have done with and for our children that have gone by the wayside because of the drama surrounding him.

The drama surrounding him -- wow, what a statement.

My niece brought him back home on December 13 (he had drank that morning) so I guess his sobriety date would be the 14th making today exactly 2 weeks clean AND sober. Still, the drama in our life surrounds him. I don't want him around, I don't want to huggy, kissy, lovey, dovey, I am divorcing him. He just can't get it through his mind. He says, I am going to FIGHT for this family. Well, show me then. But, I'm not fighting, I'm just doing what is best for me and the boy, and the girls. Two weeks, good for you -- but we've been there done that too many times over this past year. 2007 WILL be different. But, as I started this thought -- the drama surrounding him. It is still all about him. Me, me, me. "You don't hug me. You don't kiss me. Pay attention to me. Me. ME!!!" I've got three young children -- back off!!! But, "I don't have anywhere to go. What will I do? Who will take care of me? What will happen to me?" Phew. He wears me out.

His mother says I'm mean to him. I explained to her that sometimes you have to be mean, to be a bitch, to practice tough love, you have to act hard to protect your own heart and his. She understood, at least she said she did.

Yes, the last two weeks have been wonderful. I do see a difference in his attitude from the other times. This may do it for him. But, again, I can't gamble my children with a maybe. My coworker S**** doesn't understand how I can live with him. Believe me it is hard. Because he is Mr. Perfect, and Mr. Wonderful, the World's Greatest Dad -- it is hard. When he is on the sobriety wagon he is my dream man. But, my heart can't be broken again.

Damnit now I'm going to cry. I made it there -- I am bitter and hard hearted like my mother. Poop. I didn't want that to happen. Oh well, what is done is done.

2007 is going to be an uphill battle, financially, mentally, domestically. But we'll be alright. Mama is a tough ol' bird. But sometimes, Mama just wants to give up, run away, find someone to take care of her and take a nap.

That is going to be my resolution for 2007 -- More naps. Yep, more naps. Naps with my babies. Sounds like a start.

Let Go of the Past to Move into the Future

Pretty good article...

New Jammies on Christmas Eve

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St Nicholas soon would be there.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads.
And mamma in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled our brains for a long winter’s nap.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tinny reindeer.

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St Nick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!

"Now Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! On, Cupid! on, on Donner and Blitzen!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!"

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky.
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of Toys, and St Nicholas too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St Nicholas came with a bound.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.
A bundle of Toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler, just opening his pack.

His eyes-how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow.

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook when he laughed, like a bowlful of jelly!

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself!
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings, then turned with a jerk.
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose!

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!"



Thank you Santa!!