She said it had been almost six months since I had been to see her and wondered why I decided to return? I told her how I was feeling - see my post "I Should Have My Ass Kicked."
I opened up to her and let her know about my angry outbursts at J****. My angry outbursts are outrageous, F**** tells me that I am mean. This weekend (I tried really hard to control them) but I would just seethe with anger when he was doing absolutely NOTHING and I was torn three ways between the kids and trying to accomplish something.
Here's how it happens. Scenario is a floor covered with toys, etc. J**** just sitting there. Has been home all day (yes, I understand third shift, but he can do something during the day since he says he doesn't go to sleep until 11:30 am.). Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, he's watching sports, I'm doing homework with two little girls -- he will help if we ask him too, but doesn't take the initiative to do so himself. The tension builds, and builds, until KABOOM I blow up, scream, cuss, call him names, etc...One major problem is communication. The only way that we communicate is reading what the other writes in a journal. In me, this stems from my always being a peacekeeper in the alcoholic family, and J**** I believe was the clown in his.
But, I found out it is harder after the partner sobers themselves. I have been through my studies of trust, grudges, and drama on this blog and have scolded myself for those feelings. But, BHP says it is okay to be angry, it is understandable to be angry. So -- let's see what we can find out from others...
An article below -- my notes in orange...
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Quotes from (click link to read the entire article)...
Al-Anon helps families cope with alcohol scars
"Alcoholism is one of the few diseases I know of that consumes the entire family," said Kathy, whose has seen three generations of her family scarred by alcohol. I too am a child of an alcoholic married to a recovering alcoholic and we have children, 1,2,3 generations.
One of the main messages is to quit being an enabler, or one who unintentionally helps the alcoholic continue drinking. Take care of yourself, members are told, but demand that the alcoholic take care of herself or himself. I'm afraid my anger is going to give him reason to start drinking again, so I believe I suppress it until the rage builds and I cannot contain it anymore. But, then in some sick way, I wonder if I burst out in rage to push him over the brink, because it is somehow easier to live with the alcohol as an excuse for my problems, to blame my inadequacies on someone else. I tend to not take responsibility for my mistakes. Which makes me laugh to think that the Boss said the other day something to the effect that "All of us make stupid mistakes, except for hehehehehehe." Wonder if he was being sarcastic?
Members are encouraged to identify suppressed emotions, accept responsibility for the way they feel and communicate freely. Do you know how hard this is? I've trained myself to stuff it all into the back of my head, file it away and forget about it. Every day, growing up was a new day, clean slate, we forgave Daddy and acted like it never happened. Shhhhh.
"It wasn't until I went to Al-Anon that I realized how crazy I had been acting," said Lonnie, also a local member. "And I wasn't the one who had been drinking." heheheheheh -- true, true.
Children who grow up in alcoholic homes are taught not to feel, not to trust and not to talk, said Kathy. I am trying to break this cycle - but right now they just think Mommy is mean.
"Every time I got angry, someone else got angrier," Dorothy said, "and it wasn't worth it. So I stuffed my anger, but it comes out anyway by damaging my health in different ways."
"When one person is alcoholic, I believe the spouse becomes more ill than the alcoholic just to hold things together, to make a family a unit rather than being devastated by the disease." I really don't feel good, and I am thrilled deep down that he is clean and sober, but I am adjusting and it is hard. I have lived with alcohol my entire life and that is the way of life that I know. This is a new way of life for me. It is scary.
Anger was a tension running through their household.
"My dad was angry, my mom was angry at him, and I was angry at them," she said. BHP has asked me to write down all the reasons that I am angry at my Daddy. She was shocked at the range of emotions that I carry for him: sympathy, anger, the need to protect him, love, fear, the fact that he intimidates me so, yet my extreme need to want to scream at him. All the things I want to tell him but can't. Ya know what I mean?
That behavior carried over into adulthood, where she married an alcoholic who had stopped drinking several years before, but who hadn't changed the behaviors that lay behind his alcoholism. Changing their behaviors that lay behind their alcoholism. J**** is going to have to identify these himself. BHP has said that she will work with him. I hope he can look deep inside himself and see that just being clean and sober doesn't make him a man, there's a whole lot more to being a father, husband, and a man than just being conscious and coherent.
"My obsession was making sure my alcoholic was OK," she said, "because that meant that me and the children were OK too."
Since her husband had quit drinking, her children grew up in a household in which there was no alcohol. But one of her sons became an alcoholic anyway, Kathy said. My greatest fear.
"That was my catalyst to begin a program of recovery," she said. "And now my son is in recovery too."
"Many of us in Al-Anon live with an alcoholic or the dry product and have very rewarding, peaceful lives, in spite of what is going on around us," she said. I have been to some al-anon sessions, but can't seem to make the time or justify it. Again, shhhhh, don't talk about it, stuff it in the back of your head. I don't want all that stuff making me feel bad, just forget it. blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I can see it working, but I'm still making excuses...
"I don't love my husband any less, but his disease has destroyed much of what a marriage is about." I can't top that statement.
