This first return to posting will seem to be quite whiny, but I've let lots of things just go and I'm disappointed in myself for the way I have allowed things to progress in my life.
So day one, getting it all out there.
- J has been dead for over a year, and I miss him dearly. I have used that as an excuse for "not" doing things for too long. It is time for me to "suck it up, buttercup."
- I have lost 45 pounds since July 4. Yay me, but I am not done. How? I haven't had a soda -- only water and coffee, an occasional milk. I am also completely stressed out.
- I have let the finances get out of control again. I do this when I am depressed, and I also have a very hard time saying NO to anyone that asks for something, especially my kiddos. My biggest downfall financially is fast food, I get in a funk and don't want to cook, or the dishes need done and I "can't" cook, or time is limited and I don't cook -- so what do we do -- spend $40 a night on junk,cigarettes are another biggie. Shame on me.
- I have allowed my children to walk all over me. I think I'm compensating for the loss of their father by trying to "give" them whatever they want and by not disciplining enough, and tip-toeing around their feelings to keep them from having stress. I have tolerated behavior that I would not have tolerated under other circumstances and I am quite angry at myself for my own behavior. Boundaries have been crossed, respect has been lost, and I have got to regain control and get them back on track in their own lives.
- Daddy is miserable, he lost Mom 5 days before I lost J. We have both been grieving. He talks about wanting to give up, and this makes me worry. My siblings aren't in a position to be able to care for him as much as I can, so I am not only taking care of my household but his too. He wears me out, but I love him to pieces. Bless his heart.
- I have stopped going to church, my faith has faltered, I have not been a good example to my children in this aspect. Church used to be my fuel to keep me going, now I dread and fear walking in those doors because of the wave of emotions that hit me and the tears.
- My house is disgusting, gross, stinky, dirty, cluttered, messy, dusty, grimy, dishes piled high, laundry looming everywhere, it is really just ewwwww.
- Things aren't that great at work. I missed a lot of work healing emotionally. I needed work as a diversion, but was made to take medical leave, now that I am back I feel as though I am treated like a teenager, my spirit is broken, I feel micromanaged, nitpicked and truly resent the fact that I am treated this way.
- I am too nice, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, thus I allow everyone to walk all over me. This is not good. I need to learn to be meaner and learn that my feelings are just as important as those of others.
Mama died on December 17, 2015 - just a little over a year ago too. She called me on the phone constantly. She reminded, she pushed, she nagged, she pushed me, she pushed me hard throughout my life. I haven't had anyone pushing me for a while now.
Time to pull myself up by my own bootstraps, and get on with life. I know I CAN do better.