Day One of 2017

Here I go again, going to try to start to journal again.  It's been a while, I have been neglecting me, and I need to get back on track.  Seems the best way for me to do this is to "talk about it."  Since, I don't like to burden folks with my problems, I just write about it.  If someone reads it, then yay.  If someone comments, then eh? Please be constructive.

This first return to posting will seem to be quite whiny, but I've let lots of things just go and I'm disappointed in myself for the way I have allowed things to progress in my life.

So day one, getting it all out there.

1. J has been dead for over a year, and I miss him dearly.  I have used that as an excuse for "not" doing things for too long.  It is time for me to "suck it up, buttercup."
2. I have lost 45 pounds since July 4.  Yay me, but I am not done.  How? I haven't had a soda -- only water and coffee, an occasional milk.  I am also completely stressed out.
3. I have let the finances get out of control again.  I do this when I am depressed, and I also have a very hard time saying NO to anyone that asks for something, especially my kiddos.  My biggest downfall financially is fast food, I get in a funk and don't want to cook, or the dishes need done and I "can't" cook, or time is limited and I don't cook -- so what do we do -- spend $40 a night on junk,cigarettes are another biggie.  Shame on me.
4. I have allowed my children to walk all over me.  I think I'm compensating for the loss of their father by trying to "give" them whatever they want and by not disciplining enough, and tip-toeing around their feelings to keep them from having stress.  I have tolerated behavior that I would not have tolerated under other circumstances and I am quite angry at myself for my own behavior.  Boundaries have been crossed, respect has been lost, and I have got to regain control and get them back on track in their own lives.
5. Daddy is miserable, he lost Mom 5 days before I lost J.  We have both been grieving.  He talks about wanting to give up, and this makes me worry.  My siblings aren't in a position to be able to care for him as much as I can, so I am not only taking care of my household but his too.  He wears me out, but I love him to pieces.  Bless his heart.
6. I have stopped going to church, my faith has faltered, I have not been a good example to my children in this aspect.  Church used to be my fuel to keep me going, now I dread and fear walking in those doors because of the wave of emotions that hit me and the tears.
7. My house is disgusting, gross, stinky, dirty, cluttered, messy, dusty, grimy, dishes piled high, laundry looming everywhere, it is really just ewwwww.
8. Things aren't that great at work.  I missed a lot of work healing emotionally.  I needed work as a diversion, but was made to take medical leave, now that I am back I feel as though I am treated like a teenager, my spirit is broken, I feel micromanaged, nitpicked and truly resent the fact that I am treated this way.
9. I am too nice, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, thus I allow everyone to walk all over me.  This is not good.  I need to learn to be meaner and learn that my feelings are just as important as those of others.

Hopefully talking about my shortcomings, and discovering that my blessings far outweigh the petty things I see as problems will help me to heal and to grow this year.  I know that I can do better.

Mama died on December 17, 2015 - just a little over a year ago too.  She called me on the phone constantly.  She reminded, she pushed, she nagged, she pushed me, she pushed me hard throughout my life.  I haven't had anyone pushing me for a while now.

Time to pull myself up by my own bootstraps, and get on with life.  I know I CAN do better.