You've Come A Long Way Baby

I'm 40 today.

Here's how far we have come in one year. Below is my journal entry from last year. Comments in Orange.

May 12, 2006

Happy Birthday to me…

J**** brought diapers to the house for D***** last night. (We were broke, I had no money in the bank account -- we now have an emergency fund and a budget.) He showed up around 8:45 pm while I was putting the children to bed. They were so excited to see him. He told them a story and sang to them and tickled them and yes, he was on the road to being drunk. (J**** has been clean and sober for 150 days today, 5 months tomorrow) I fell asleep putting them to sleep and he came upstairs and woke me up. We talked and he was belligerent and aggravating. He didn’t want to stay at the house and wanted to leave, but he still wanted to kiss me goodbye. He told me during the conversation that he’d drink alcohol if he wanted and wouldn’t stop. Not for me, not for the kids, not for anyone. (He did it for himself, he was about to lose everything.)

He left and went back to A*****’s house. I went to bed.

F**** woke up in the middle of the night and was angry because I wasn’t sleeping with her. She is starting to get an attitude; (attitude is still there - she's in that stage I think) she is dealing with a lot of anger lately. I think she is very smart and she knows that things are bad. When J**** came in last night – shame on us, we yelled in front of the kids and they scolded us, mainly me. (J**** still yells, we still argue -- but all parents argue, our arguments however are no longer verbally violent ones, but petty everyday arguments.)

When she woke up, we talked about Daddy having to leave because of the alcohol. She told me that Daddy lies to her about stopping and about his drinking. She sobbed and sobbed and sobbed when I told her that Daddy would be leaving us soon.

She is having anger issues right now and expressing them toward me. We’re going to have to go and have a mother/daughter day out.

Am I doing what is right? They love their Daddy so much. When he walked through their bedroom door (even though he was drunk) their little eyes lit up. They were so happy that he was home.

What am I putting them through? Is it worse to live with alcohol or to live without a father? (I'm thankful to God and J**** for making the choice for me, and that was to take the choice away. Prayer really does work, folks.) What a mess.

I’m 39 today (now I'm 40 and things are a lot better) and this is not what I thought I’d be dealing with on this birthday. The lawyer just called and he is going to file the orders for temporary custody, child support, and exclusive occupancy of the home.

Things are much better now, of course not perfect - no home is perfect. We are both still growing and the kids are still having growing pains of their own. I'm so proud of what he has accomplished this year - clean, sober, occasional church attendance, a full time job, taking on more responsibilities. Yeah -- I could still fuss and nag about stuff, but what wife can't?

All in all -- today was an uneventful birthday, but birthdays have never been a big deal to me. I always thought the mother should be celebrated on the child's birthday, she went through labor and carried them up to nine months. I cleaned (real cleaning) part of the house, J**** went out and brought us back our supper -- ribeyes yum, yum. I got cute stuff from the kids. I made myself a birthday cake last night (german chocolate - yum, yum) well, D***** and I made it. Everybody called me that always remembers. Brother will remember in a day or two -- that's just the way he is, always late. Sis came over to see me and brought me a pretty necklace and earrings. I bought myself a new bra - another uplifting thing.