J**** and I have become two yellers. We yell about this, we yell about that. We yell at each other, we yell at the kids, we yell at the dog, the cat, and the hamster. We yell just to be yelling. When like the commercial we should be gelling. Sorry bad rhyme.
With J****'s recent clean and soberness, things are different at our home and a new type of stressful. He still has cravings and a new job with new routine to get used to and I still have my issues of coping and adjusting. Poor F,G,& D. Hope this article helps me be introspective...
Orange is me thinking it out and bold are some points that I think stand out.
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How to Stop Yelling
Kids drive us crazy more often than we care to admit -- but screaming at them solves nothing. Try these stay-calm discipline strategies from top experts.
By Leslie Lampert
How to Stop Yelling
It's bedtime at my house -- but you'd never know it. One of my children is on the computer, another is watching television, and the third is whining that she's not tired. I, however, am exhausted -- and about to lose it.
First, I issue a stern warning: "Let's go, guys. It's time for bed," I say in a tough but controlled voice. Then I turn up the volume: "Did you hear me? Get up to your rooms right now!"
Finally, I explode: "Doesn't anyone listen to me? If you're not in bed by the count of three, there's no TV for the rest of the week . . . no playdates . . . no using the computer . . . no . . . no . . . no . . . " Irrational screaming at that, threats you know that you will not keep, just blathering to be blathering.
By now, I'm a contender for the cast of Scream 3 -- and the sound of my voice is scaring even me. I'm not exactly proud of my outburst, nor do I think it's particularly effective. So why am I shouting like a madwoman?
"Yelling is a response to intense frustration," explains child psychiatrist Lyndon D. Waugh, M.D., author of Tired of Yelling (Pocket Books, 2000). "Parents often scream when they don't have more effective tools for disciplining their children."
Of course, we all know that yelling isn't an appropriate way to deal with kids; in fact, it generally raises the tension level in the household and creates more problems than it solves. But the challenge for many of us is learning to control this reflex. Below, meet some yellers and hear what experts say can help quiet them down.
The Morning Yeller I married a morning yeller.
Mornings make Donna LaMarre, of Haverhill, Massachusetts, want to shout. With three boys, it's tough getting everyone out in time to meet the school bus. "We get up around 7:00 a.m., and I'll say, 'Let's have breakfast,' but no one wants to eat," LaMarre explains. "Then I'll say, 'Let's get dressed,' and the boys will dawdle."
LaMarre gets so frustrated by her boys' lack of responsiveness that she frequently starts shrieking at them, putting the entire household in a state of chaos. And before she knows it, the bus is honking outside -- and no one is ready. "Sometimes I feel as if my head's going to explode," she says.
The Solution
First, LaMarre needs to figure out why her kids are so sluggish in the morning. Are they tired? (If so, they need an earlier bedtime.) Are they being distracted by toys or the television? (If they are, she should institute a ban.) Or are the boys slow starters? (If that's the case, she needs to wake them up 15 minutes earlier).
Next, LaMarre should map out a morning strategy, Dr. Waugh suggests. During a calm period in the evening, she should discuss the agenda with her children and tell them what's expected of them. (She could say, for instance, "After you wake up, I want you to come downstairs for breakfast right away.") She should tell the boys that if they do not follow orders, there will be consequences, such as not being able to watch a favorite TV show later. She could even ask the boys to help choose an appropriate punishment for noncompliance.
Finally, LaMarre needs to become conscious of her tendency to yell and then try to refrain from doing so. "When you force yourself not to react immediately, you give yourself a chance to think," Dr. Waugh says.
Instead, LaMarre should use a phrase such as "I'm serious" to signal that she means action. Then, in a swift, no-nonsense fashion, she should help the boys put on their coats, tie their shoes, and gather their backpacks. Her goal should be to remain as unemotional as possible. "If that means occasionally keeping the bus waiting for a few minutes, it's worth it," Dr. Waugh says.
I have noticed that when we yell at them, they don't hear. It is like they have become desensitized to the loudness. Like they have turned off their ability to hear anything at that decibel, but if I speak softly and calmly they hear. An example of this was tonight, J**** had to punish G***** when I left the house for a bit. When I came back he told me with her what happened. She said, "I didn't hear you Daddy." He said, "I yelled it at you three times to stop." G*****, "I didn't hear." I believe she didn't hear him. We watched that Super Nanny lady on TV one night and she made that point that an adult standing over a 6,5, or 2 year old screaming is very intimidating, scary, fight or flight syndrome. The adult should stop and get down on the child's level, make eye contact and talk to them, not at them. We both need to work on this.
The Home-From-Work Yeller Me
Even though Benjamin is only 2 years old, his mother frequently finds herself yelling at him at the end of the day. "When I get home from work, I'm so tired and he's so active," says Rachel Smith, of Cincinnati. "I guess we just clash."
The toddler has a knack for finding trouble at every turn. "Yesterday I was home for less than five minutes, and he pulled over the trash can and spilled garbage all over the floor," Smith recalls. "I started yelling at him, 'Ben, why did you do that?' Of course, he didn't have any idea that he'd done anything wrong. I realize that shouting doesn't do any good, but I can't seem to control myself." Hehehehehe, sounds oh so familiar. Energetic 2 year old, tired Mommy, trash can, why just tonight...
The Solution
Smith's frustration is not with her son's behavior; she understands that his actions are totally age-appropriate. Rather, Smith is so worn out by the demands of her job that she doesn't have any energy left to deal with a toddler by the end of the day, says Robin Goodman, Ph.D., a psychologist at the New York University Child Study Center.
Dr. Goodman advises Smith to implement a plan for destressing before she begins dealing with her son. "This could be as simple as pulling into the garage and sitting for ten minutes and reading a book or getting a book on tape to listen to on the way home from work," she says.
Another suggestion: Smith could take Benjamin up to her bedroom and give him a picture book or some blocks to play with while she gets out of her work clothes. "When you have to switch gears quickly, sometimes the pure act of changing your clothes -- taking off your hose and putting on sweats -- is all it takes to make you feel like a different person," Dr. Goodman says. Unwinding can help both mom and child decompress. "Play a tape of nursery rhymes as soon as you get in," Dr. Goodman continues. You'll be amazed at how calming that kind of activity can be.
The They-Won't-Listen Yeller Poor J**** has said this many a time.
Kris Evans, of Yardley, Pennsylvania, has two strong-willed children, John, 7, and Julie, 4. "They just do what they want; they can be so defiant," she complains. Mine get that from their mother (beaming proudly.)
As a result, Evans finds herself yelling all the time. "I yell at John for getting dressed too slowly, and I yell at Julie for pulling boxes off the shelf in the grocery store," she says. "I yell at both of them when they're fighting in the backseat of the car, and I yell at them for yelling back at me." Yell, Yell, Yell, Yell, Yell -- AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH.
The Solution
Evans is blaming her kids for the fact that she yells, but she's contributing to the problem too. Dr. Waugh says she may simply expect too much from her children. "She needs to look at how often she's issuing commands to them and then deliberately cut back," he says. "With young children, it's important to pick your battles. If you back off a little on the smaller issues, the larger ones will stand out." They are kids for goodness sakes, sometimes we have to remind each other -- ahem, if you were five years old and Mommy/Daddy just brought home bunk beds -- wouldn't you too be climbing, jumping, screaming, giggling, and not paying attention. You would be excited. Kids are kids and their honest reactions shouldn't be stifled for our convenience.
Next, Evans needs to explain to her kids the importance of following her instructions. If she wants, she can give them a chance to explain why they don't want to listen, and if the objection seems reasonable, she may want to relent. "If, however, she decides to stick with her original request, she should repeat her command," Dr. Waugh says. If the children still don't comply, Evans should issue an immediate punishment, such as turning off the television or sending them to their room for a time-out. "When your child sees that he will not get off the hook and that you will have the final say, he'll tire of going through the process and eventually learn to do what he's asked," Dr. Waugh says.
The Bedtime Yeller
I'm still struggling to keep my cool during my own nightly ordeal of getting the kids tucked in. I'm well aware that my exhaustion is prompting me to scream; I rarely raise my voice at other times of the day. What can I do to get my yelling under control?
The Solution
"Bedtime would run more smoothly if parents understood how hard it is for kids to stop what they're doing when they're enjoying themselves," says Martha Heineman Pieper, Ph.D., a Chicago psychotherapist and coauthor of Smart Love: The Compassionate Alternative to Discipline That Will Make You a Better Parent and Your Child a Better Person (Harvard Common Press, 1999). "Put yourself in their shoes: Why would anyone want to turn off a great television show or stop playing a computer game to brush his teeth?" This reminds me of a little boy (not J****) that would play so hard and so long that inevitably he would come running 90 mph to the house to go to the bathroom and not make it. He didn't want to stop having fun.
To ease the transition to bedtime, it's wise to give your children a good half-hour notice that they'll have to stop their activities and then lure them to their rooms with a fun -- but quiet -- activity. "Get some tapes of stories or lullabies, and have the kids listen to them in bed," Dr. Pieper suggests. "You'd be surprised how readily children will put on their pajamas if they know they'll be doing something enjoyable."
I've also decided to do something restorative for myself immediately before starting the bedtime routine. I figured that I'll handle it better if I'm not so wiped out. So these days, I've been sitting down with a good book and a cup of tea for half an hour before I attempt to usher the troops to bed. And when I do, I find myself feeling a lot more patient -- and less frazzled.
And you know what? When I'm more relaxed, I'm less likely to scream and shout.
I know things will get better. J**** and I need to work on communication and handling the children as a united front. When he was drinking/using I felt as though I was the main caregiver, now I have to share that responsibility and respect his ideas/opinions. He too mine and he needs to understand that they are children not adults with little bodies. They really are great kids. By the way -- new pics on flickr account.
