November 9, 1953 Mama married Daddy. April 22, 1954 Sis was born. Do the math.
Back in 1953 a pregnancy out of wedlock in a small town was a terrible thing. To this day, Mama will not allude to this, she will not discuss this, they do not mention that it is their anniversary (Daddy will, but not Mama).
Daddy has been an alcoholic as long as I can remember. Sis and I both wonder, is she happy, has she ever been happy? Mama told me once, "If I had it to do over, I'd have had my kids without keeping the man." We are the joys in her life. Looking from the outside in -- poor Mama.
Daddy has always provided. He has worked. He is a miserable ol' codger at times, but he has a funny dry wit. He is big-hearted to a fault, I think most alcoholics are that way.
I think I lived through the brunt of the alcoholism, when it was really, really bad. I remember a time he was sitting in the recliner, definitely a blackout. "I was young, 10 or 12 and remember verbatim. I could have been somebody, UK was looking at me for a scholarship, I was just a boy, not out of school, but had to take care of family. I could have been someone." Then he began lamenting about the babies that died at birth. So as you see, there's no satisfying an alcoholic when they want to feel sorry for themselves.
But, I also remember Mama being sick and Daddy taking care of her, the home, and all of us, and worrying, because he does love her very much. This last time Mama was in the hospital and I drove Daddy to/from the hospital, he spoke so lovingly about her, he knows he's done stuff and I believe he's sorry, he felt so useless because he couldn't take care of her during her stay at the hospital. He had just had cataract surgery and couldn't drive, couldn't see to dial the phone, and he was lonely without her.
When I was going to counseling, BHO talked about being bitter, and I have mentioned that in this blog before, my Mama is bitter. She has a hard shell that protects her from being hurt. She holds grudges in a "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me" sort of attitude. She asks lots of questions of her children, it annoys us, but I think it is her way of finding out if we are getting bitter too, keeping us open, keeping our shells soft so we are not as hardhearted as her. Even though we are adults, she's our Mama and to her, to me, to you Sis, we will NEVER stop being her babies, and we will NEVER stop trying to protect our young.
Oh, poor Mama, both of her precious baby girls married an alcoholic. Sis, your daughter married a man with an addiction, your son is an alcoholic. Oh, dear God, what will I do when my son takes his first drink, and my daughter's marry their Father. Will I be my mother?
Poor Mama. I am so sorry.
NOTE: Daddy still drinks, but not to the extent that he did in the past. He is a wonderful man and he loves us so. He put us through a lot, but now well he's an old fart that spends his day out in the garage away from the old bat in the house watching those rotten grandkids of his. I thank God everynight for both of them. Without them, I would be lost.
Exciting Stuff: My brother was on NPR Radio today playing his viola. He's bald.
J**** read my blog and was a total horse's rearend. Everytime I touch the computer he gives me that snide -- "what? you blogging again?" attitude. I just want to smack him upside his head.
He read it Thursday night. Pouted, said, "You hate me." I don't hate anyone. How can someone not understand? You are still here -- so duh -- I don't hate you. If I hated you it would be so much easier for me to follow through.
So Friday -- he cops this attitude -- I think he has some whiskey hidden somewhere because the liquid courage was there. Trying to assert his manhood he says he is not happy with me, woman get this, woman get that. By not happy, I mean not happy with the things that I wrote. He instant messaged my sister and said he felt like "second fiddle", that we "think he is too dumb to watch his own kids", that he is "very down." Being pitiful.
Then the way he acts when my mother calls the house, just makes me soooo angry. My mother has always, as long as we have been together, called me multiple times of the day. It is her outlet. Sometimes I am the only one that will talk to her without putting her off. He needs to realize that this is her coping mechanism and he just needs to deal with it. She's my mom for God's sake, be glad she cares. She has lived my life.
Back to Friday -- I call the house to see how the children are doing and to see if they need me to stop and pick up anything before I get home. He's screaming at the girls, the boy is crying, it sounds like a madhouse. So I dash out of work, stop and buy milk, and go home. All has calmed down. I begin preparing supper and he wants to be all touchy feely -- In the immortal words of Loretta Lynn, "Don't come home a drinkin' with lovin' on your mind." There is nothing more disgusting than being groped, etc by a drunken oaf. He backs me into the corner in the kitchen -- I have fish frying on the stove and well fish cooks quick and I don't have time to mess with him. Also, don't back me into a corner. I'm like a wild animal when I feel pinned in and I get extremely defensive. I push him away and he pushes me closer to the cabinets. I reach down and grab his manhood -- not the real owee part but just the boneless portion to get his attention. He grabs my neck. I squeeze harder, he squeezes harder, I can't breathe, I let go, he let's go. I look him in the eyes and say " I am NOT scared of you, remember that."
The fish was really good -that is the first time I have cooked Tilapia.
He didn't work any last week - between his knee and rain and a boss that works on a whim. So I am stressing this week about money. No money. Am trying to work the Dave Ramsey, Total Money Makeover and getting started is very hard. I need him to bring in a paycheck to make ends meet. Here is a post that I put on the forum.
Here goes!!! Family of 5, Mama, Daddy, 6, 5, 22month old.
Monthly Income $3,600 - if he is able to work, else I don't even want to go there...
First of Month:
Mortgage - 1003.00 (includes escroll)
Unsecured Loan - 145.00
Dance Class - 88.00
TMMO - 9.00
Mid Month:
Water/Trash/Sewer - 30.00
Electricity - 70.00
Gas - 100.00
Cable/Internet - 105.00
Vonage - 28.00
Cell - 110.00
Cred Card 1 - 15.00
Cred Card 2 - 15.00
Cred Card 3 - 15.00
Cred Card 4 - 30.00
Auto Loan - 347.00
Student Loan - 60.00
Bank Loan 168.00
Bad Auto Loan - 100.00
Quarterly Bills
Auto Insurance - 151.00
Other Bills -
Court bill for DH - 518.00 by Dec 18 else jailtime - 200.00 saved for this
Med Bills for DH - 850.00
Owe my mom/dad - 2500.00 - they are very considerate of situation
Owe his dad - 430.00 - he too is broke and wants his money NOW.
Household bills:
Grocery - 400.00
Gas station - 120.00
School Lunches - 60.00
Church - 40.00
Medical 30.00
Oh and I'm overdrawn...
Behind on Auto Loan and Cable, DH works construction so money is seasonal, no EF yet. Cell is a 2 year contract - what will they do if I break contract?
Cable is a bundled deal with internet. We've done away with fast food, etc.
I'm selling on Ebay.
Go ahead critique, fuss at me, be constructive, be harsh, just share your knowledge.
Thank you.
I am so thankful that God takes care of fools and little children.
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Still learning to crawl...
By the way --
Thanks again for all of your comments. To you it seems that I am spinning my wheels, but this blog allows me to think through it and become stronger and your comments do help. Keep'm coming -- many hit home and none have offended. Please don't get tired of me -- be patient with me. I am a survivor and have always in the end thrived. This too shall pass.
Thanks to everyone for your comments on my post about "Laying Down the Law".
I SHOULDA made him leave. I COULDA made him leave. Don't know about the woulda part.
Why didn't I?
It seems so cut and dry. He's been actively drinking now since July 2004. He was sober for 834 days prior to that. You WOULDA thought that I WOULDA done it then. He's done lots of stupid things since then, wrecks, DUI's, blackouts, becoming more and more aggressive in his drinking, rumors of another woman... You WOULDA thought that I WOULDA done it by now.
He doesn't see that his actions are "that bad." He says, "I'm doing a lot less (drinking/drugs) than I used too." I'm astounded by his comments.
Why don't I?
As far as I can figure, it is what I am comfortable with -- and yes, being in a situation with three small children, that is very selfish on my part. Why in the world would I allow them to get comfortable with such a horrible disease as alcoholism? You WOULDA thought that I WOULDA avoided that as quickly as possible.
Why won't I?
Keep asking -- because I keep asking myself. The money is there, the lawyer is there, the means to do it are there -- but the WILL is not there. This too confounds me because I have been told by so many people how determined a person I am. How stubborn I can be? But I keep spinning my wheels. I need to go back to BHP and have her counsel me on what the heck is stopping me.
So what do I do? -- conflicting notions
I need to read more al-anon literature. I'm still a babe in that program and right now my notions are that:
- You are powerless over the alcohol.
- Alcoholism is a disease.
- You love the person not the disease.
- Don't let the disease control you.
- Take care of yourself.
- Let the alcoholic find his own way.
- Would you abandon someone if their disease was something else like cancer?
Where do you draw the line between a disease and a bad habit that needs to be broken?
Don't get me wrong, Al-anon is helping me take care of myself, but it is confusing me about my relationship with him, and about my support of him spiritually and emotionally since I am his wife and made a vow.
My Higher Power inspired the BIBLE. The Bible says this about alcohol. I found this at this link: http://www.wcg.org/lit/booklets/alcohol/biblwine.htm. They say it better than I could.
Abuse, drunkenness condemned
"Both the Old and New Testaments contain many examples and commands against excessive use of alcohol and drunkenness. Drunkenness is listed as one of the works of the flesh (Gal. 5:21). That means it is the result of the undisciplined, indiscriminate use of alcohol. Jesus warned his followers not to be drunk (Luke 21:34).
The apostle Paul told the Corinthian church to “put away from among yourselves”—to have no fellowship—with a person who cannot control his or her drinking (1 Cor. 5:11-13). This refers to people who will not face up to or try to overcome drinking problems, not people who are working on and overcoming their problems. The Bible says that drunkards will not enter the kingdom of God (1 Cor. 6:9-10, Gal. 5:21). No one who abuses alcohol should be ordained an elder in the ministry of Jesus Christ (1 Tim. 3:3, 8, Tit. 1:7). If a minister drinks, it should be in moderation.
Throughout the Bible, God criticizes those who are “mighty to drink” (Isa. 5:22). Excessive drinkers are committing an evil (Prov. 23:20-21, Isa. 28:1-8). The improper use of wine makes wine a mocker and deceiver (Prov. 20:1). Those who “tarry long over wine” and spend a great deal of time in drinking will find all kinds of woe, sorrow and trouble (Prov. 23:29-30)."
Then there's my family...
Sis has been there done that. She shoulda, coulda, woulda and finally did leave. Now she and her children are paying dearly for that time living with the horrible disease.
Mom has been there done that. She shoulda, coulda, woulda and is still doing it. As Sis says, Mama is unhappy and has been for almost 53 years and that is what makes her so scared for me.
Here's what I want to do - -but can't bring myself to do it... The Shoulda
I want to divorce him, I want him to be my friend, I don't want to live with him because of the alcoholism and occasional drug use. I want SIS to come and live with us so we can take care of each other spiritually and emotionally and we can both take care of our babies.
But I can't and I really don't know why I can't. I'm not scared. I'm not lonely. As far as I can figure, it is what I know and I am complacent.
Sorry to let you down -- I'm trying -- and I am growing.
Updates --
He's been behaving himself since the Laying Down the Law post. He's been active in budgeting, housekeeping, etc. Let me qualify that -- there was one questionable day -- but I was too tired to pay attention to him, I had Halloween costumes to make.
He has hurt his knee and can't work plus it is raining. Wish I was farther along in the David Ramsey program and had an emergency fund.
He is still a dork -- I was asleep last night and he is on GTalk with my boss pretending to be me. Fishing for innappropriate behavior. Yeah -- me and W -- don't make us laugh.
He has been partaking in Kentucky's money crop, not buying it, just if offered he obliges. Pisses me off because I would like him to get a real job that isn't seasonal or dependent on the weather. Guess what -- to do that and be a responsible adult you have to be drug free.
Halloween was great!!!! Pics of the kids are on the Flickr account. Click on the banner in the sidebar to see a princess, the Devil, and Superman.
Sis has to have surgery on her elbow tomorrow. I am going to take care of her and be at the hospital with her. I love her and she thinks she's a burden, but I am happy that she wants me there. It makes me feel good. Go see her blog - as I've said before - we are a lot alike. She dressed as Aunt Bea for Halloween, maybe we can get her to post a pic on her blog.
November 9, 1953 Mama married Daddy. April 22, 1954 Sis was born. Do the math. 
