Up, Up and Away --

I have given up.  I've let things get to the point that I would never have done in the past.  I decided earlier this week to start working on these things.

• I'm struggling financially because I am not being a good steward of the monetary gifts the Lord has given to me.
• I have given up on my faith and stopped worshiping with my brothers and sisters.
• I have let my children do what they want and run the household.
• I have not "stuck to my guns" and demanded that others respect my household and my morals.
• I have withdrawn from the world (because of depression.)
• I suffer panic attacks.
• I ignore responsibilities.
• I don't cook anymore.
• My house is a mess.
• I've escaped into my own little corner of the world and allowed life to pass by without me.

But I do care.  I really do.

Now the authorities are involved in our lives.  We are being monitored by social services.  My children are all in trouble with truancy -- thus we are also being monitored by the courts.

Things can only get better-- right?

I need to set down and set goals.  I need to stick to my goals and I need to face the world again and stop running from it.

I have been trying this week to reassert my authority in the household.  It has not gone well.  Arguments, tears, emotions running deep has been the status quo around here.  Like me, some folks don't like to be told that they are wrong or to be told No.  It has caused a lot of stress.

So - what will we do first?  Clean.  Clean the house, clean our hearts, clean our spirits.  Get back to living.  More or less -- clean up my act.

I love my children and I am so sorry that it has gotten to this point.  I want to just lie down and sleep for a week.  But, I must live again.

The social worker asked me, who will you call when I leave today to talk about your problems.  Me, there is no one to call.

I am alone in all ways worldly.  I must get back on the spiritual tract and remember "The Lord will find a Way for me."

The Son

The Son is now 12.  He has been diagnosed with a condition called selective mutism.  I have fought and fought with this child about going to school.  He shuts down in situations that are unfamiliar or stressful.  His way of dealing with stress is to physically and verbally shut down.  Because of this he became truant at school.  Some days I couldn't get him in the building, other days with the responsibilities that I have, I just didn't try.  Something had to give.

Last year he was on a program called homebound.  An instructor came to the house or the library to meet with him a couple of times a week and he did his assignments.  This year, when I asked for him to go back on that program, the response was "Well, why don't YOU just homeschool him."  Yep they washed their hands of the problem and now it is ONLY my problem.  So, I am homeschooling my son with an online program called Acellus.

The Son does go to counseling every couple of weeks, they talk about nothing.  Counselor says he is doing better. 

I try to get him to talk to me, I try to give him responsibilities, I try to engage him.  The only things he cares about are video gaming and basketball.  His coach calls him a beast, and he is talented at anything digital.

To work on me, I have to get him at a point where he is functioning in situations that are social.  I have to get him to stop relying on The Mama so much.  He is very attached to me.  I think that is partially due to the fact that his Dad is no longer alive.  I know that is a lot my fault, I am very doting after the tragedy that befell our family.  The child witnessed everything and I do overcompensate for that.

December 21,2015:  The evening before J's death.  Son and I were sitting on the couch playing with the Roku, adding channels.  The den is outside of my bedroom and adjacent to back porch.  J is on back porch and acting strange.  I tell J -- you just need to go to bed and tomorrow will be a new day.  He complies-- and lies down.  I go back to couch with the Son.  We stay up for a while, and I can hear J snoring (I now wonder if they were sounds of a death rattle.)  Son and I fall asleep on the couch.

December 22, 2015:  I wake up, go outside with the dogs, come back in -- unload the dryer, fold, and start a new load of laundry.  I go upstairs, start coffee, feed the guinea pigs, just little morning chores.  The coffee is ready and I go into the bedroom to ask J if he would like a cup.  J is cold and unresponsive, I yell trying to wake him, then the Son wakes.  I call 911, then my Daddy, the EMT's, Fire, Police all come.  The Son sees it all, the attempts to revive. His sister arrives, the ambulance takes Daddy away, we follow to hospital -- I go berserk on staff and try to break down door to ER.  He is confirmed dead.  The Son sees and feels it all - to himself, observing, not making a sound.  Yes, I tried to shield him, I kept taking him out of the rooms, he wouldn't leave me.

I will be researching this condition and keeping this blog going with the progress being made with his situation.  He is funny, bright, and I've been told quite handsome.  Standing at 5'4" at 12, he's a big boy, and we need to learn to control our emotions before he becomes too big to handle.   He's a gentle soul, but he's also a troubled soul.  I love him.

Day One of 2017

Here I go again, going to try to start to journal again.  It's been a while, I have been neglecting me, and I need to get back on track.  Seems the best way for me to do this is to "talk about it."  Since, I don't like to burden folks with my problems, I just write about it.  If someone reads it, then yay.  If someone comments, then eh? Please be constructive.

This first return to posting will seem to be quite whiny, but I've let lots of things just go and I'm disappointed in myself for the way I have allowed things to progress in my life.

So day one, getting it all out there.

1. J has been dead for over a year, and I miss him dearly.  I have used that as an excuse for "not" doing things for too long.  It is time for me to "suck it up, buttercup."
2. I have lost 45 pounds since July 4.  Yay me, but I am not done.  How? I haven't had a soda -- only water and coffee, an occasional milk.  I am also completely stressed out.
3. I have let the finances get out of control again.  I do this when I am depressed, and I also have a very hard time saying NO to anyone that asks for something, especially my kiddos.  My biggest downfall financially is fast food, I get in a funk and don't want to cook, or the dishes need done and I "can't" cook, or time is limited and I don't cook -- so what do we do -- spend $40 a night on junk,cigarettes are another biggie.  Shame on me.
4. I have allowed my children to walk all over me.  I think I'm compensating for the loss of their father by trying to "give" them whatever they want and by not disciplining enough, and tip-toeing around their feelings to keep them from having stress.  I have tolerated behavior that I would not have tolerated under other circumstances and I am quite angry at myself for my own behavior.  Boundaries have been crossed, respect has been lost, and I have got to regain control and get them back on track in their own lives.
5. Daddy is miserable, he lost Mom 5 days before I lost J.  We have both been grieving.  He talks about wanting to give up, and this makes me worry.  My siblings aren't in a position to be able to care for him as much as I can, so I am not only taking care of my household but his too.  He wears me out, but I love him to pieces.  Bless his heart.
6. I have stopped going to church, my faith has faltered, I have not been a good example to my children in this aspect.  Church used to be my fuel to keep me going, now I dread and fear walking in those doors because of the wave of emotions that hit me and the tears.
7. My house is disgusting, gross, stinky, dirty, cluttered, messy, dusty, grimy, dishes piled high, laundry looming everywhere, it is really just ewwwww.
8. Things aren't that great at work.  I missed a lot of work healing emotionally.  I needed work as a diversion, but was made to take medical leave, now that I am back I feel as though I am treated like a teenager, my spirit is broken, I feel micromanaged, nitpicked and truly resent the fact that I am treated this way.
9. I am too nice, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, thus I allow everyone to walk all over me.  This is not good.  I need to learn to be meaner and learn that my feelings are just as important as those of others.

Hopefully talking about my shortcomings, and discovering that my blessings far outweigh the petty things I see as problems will help me to heal and to grow this year.  I know that I can do better.

Mama died on December 17, 2015 - just a little over a year ago too.  She called me on the phone constantly.  She reminded, she pushed, she nagged, she pushed me, she pushed me hard throughout my life.  I haven't had anyone pushing me for a while now.

Time to pull myself up by my own bootstraps, and get on with life.  I know I CAN do better.