Formerly Estranged and Getting Stranger...

Sunday's Sermon Notes - Church at Antioch

2008-08-25T22:35:00.003-04:00

Notes I took from a sermon preached by Wayde Miller.

The disciples were first called Christians at Antioch. Not as a way to differentiate from the Jews, not as a negative term by their enemies, but as a name of love from God. God gave the disciples this name.

The church at Antioch was a church filled with grace, there was no prejudice -- Jewish descent, Greeks, all types worshiped together in Antioch. Today we are to beware of prejudices among Christians - we are all one -- no difference in color, economics, family ties, friendship, etc. All should be ONE in Christ.

Acts 11:19-30
19&20 - the church was established at Antioch both Jewish Christians and Gentiles. The message preached to them was the Lord Jesus - a message on ONE saving.
v 21 - told to believe and turn to the Lord.

Antioch was the third largest city in the Roman Empire, a paganistic, materialistic, sinful city. The church thrived in this city, it was a church of grace, always helping other churches, the brethren, and teaching the Lord Jesus. We too should teach their same message --

Whose Message? What Question? Do you believe in Jesus Christ?

"The worst the sinner, the more in tune he is to hear the Word." Christ taught to the sinners. We should all remember that we are sinners and be willing to hear the Word and to study God's Word.

More than belief is needed. "Faith Only" is not what Jesus wants. Salvation is simple: the Christians at Antioch believe AND turned to the Lord. New Testament belief IS doing something.

John 12:42&43 -- believe AND confess (confession is doing something)
Romans 10:13-14 -- believe AND call on the name of the Lord (calling is doing something)
Hebrews 11:6 -- believe AND Come to God (to come to God is doing something)
Mark 16:16 -- believe AND be baptized (to be baptized is doing something)

The message was always the same -- believe and do something. Even the devil believes -- we are to do something.

Always remember -- Christian is a name that God has given YOU. Do NOT take it for granted, it is an honor, not a classification of religion as it is seen in today's society. But our family name, our name in Christ Jesus.

~DEATH~

2008-08-22T00:55:00.001-04:00

This is an email that I received last week -- there's no elaboration needed, it says it all...

WHAT A WONDERFUL WAY TO EXPLAIN IT..

A sick man turned to his doctor as he was preparing to

Leave the examination room and said,

'Doctor, I am afraid to die.

Tell me what lies on the other side.'

Very quietly, the doctor said, 'I don't know.'

'You don't know? You, a Christian man,

Do not know what is on the other side?'

The doctor was holding the handle of the door;

On the other side came a sound of scratching and whining,

And as he opened the door, a dog sprang into the room

And leaped on him with an eager show of gladness.

Turning to the patient, the doctor said,

'Did you notice my dog?

He's never been in this room before.

He didn't know what was inside.

He knew nothing except that his master was here,

And when the door opened, he sprang in without fear.

I know little of what is on the other side of death,

But I do know one thing...

I know my Master is there and that is enough.'

Wednesday Night Bible Study Notes

2008-08-20T22:42:00.002-04:00

Bible Class

Wayde Miller, Evangelist led the Bible class discussion:
-- we started the book of Romans tonight -- the preacher chastised us -- we were supposed to read the whole book -- I didn't, I read some, not enough, not very much at all, shame on me...

Notes: The Book of Romans is about Christianity -- lots of discussion about justification. Now when I say a book about Christianity, this book pretty much sums is up as far as what a Christian is. It is written by Paul from Corinth to the Romans. Paul considers Rome to be a good church unlike those he chastised (Corinthians). It was pointed out that the city of Rome in that day was very large and very vile, yet this church made of Jewish, Gentile, and Barbarians was a good church.

Notes as reviewed by verse:
1) Paul describes himself as three S's -- servant, sent out (definition of apostle), and set apart (sanctified).
2) The word gospel means good news -- the OT is mentioned in this verse because the apostles relied heavily on its prophecies to preach Jesus. Jesus is the fulfillment of these prophecies.
3) Jesus - is the good news -- he is both flesh and spirit (Son of David, II Sam 7, and Son of God)
4) Proof of his power and that he is the Son of God is His resurrection.
5) Apostles (sent out) had a purpose. We cannot look at Paul's life without seeing his dedication to the gospel (good news). "It is not enough to be good, you have to be good at something." You need a purpose. In our lives we may be good people, but we need to do more with our lives and spreading the good news using our talents.
6) Not only are the apostles called, but all are called.
7) The Romans are called and loved by God.
8-14) Paul mentions the goodness of the church at Rome. Their faith is known (v8) Paul is getting ready to preach to them the good news via this letter because he has been hindered from coming to Rome (v14). Paul flatters the Christians at Rome, he is both encouraged by them and wanting to encourage them. He wants to mutually encourage each other with his faith and their faith (v12). He is speaking of them very positively.
11) Paul mentions that he would like to give them a spiritual gift. But never specifies what that give can be. If the verse is read contextually with verse 10 -- we can speculate that the Spirit has called him else where and in verse 13 possibly the Spirit has prevented him from coming to Rome. Could this gift of the spirit be the gift to him and the Romans of the Spirit calling him to Rome? Yes, he will make it to Rome one day.

Our evangelist stressed that we really need to read the book in its entirety. Romans is very contextual -- stick to the context, forget about references and footnotes, just read it in its context and look at the big picture. A picture of a good church and how Christianity is to be.

INVITATION
KB one of our members gave the invitation talk (mini sermon)

"Committed vs Compliant"

Compliant is to do only what is necessary to some it is just the bare minimum.

Committed is to go beyond and perform to the best of our ability.

In Matthew 19:16 the rich young man was compliant, he didn't steal, he didn't murder, he didn't lie... and the list goes on, but when he was told to sell all he had -- he could not do so -- he was not willing to commit.

In John 21:15 -- Jesus after his resurrection asked Peter Do you love me? He did this three times -- Peter said Yes. Peter was committed.

As a Christian do we just do the bare minimum (attend services, give money, sing, pray, the "checklist") or are we committed giving ALL of ourselves to the Lord?

Great Job KB.

Wow...

2008-08-20T12:37:00.003-04:00

Was talking to my father-in-law the other night and relaying a story of someone speaking to a psychic. The ideas that the woman relayed were amazing and it was impossible for her to know facts that she revealed. It was a touching revelation and made us say WOW.

The psychic avows that she is strong in faith to the God in Heaven and I do not doubt her, I am amazed at this power, and I pray for her, because it must be an awful burden to bear.

A friend of mine warned about psychic interaction and that we need to be certain of the source of her visions. What is her source of revelation? By hearing the account of the reading, and hearing what she said, I feel that she gave God the glory for her gift (note she did not say she was talking to God).

Would I want a psychic reading? I doubt it -- Que sera sera "Whatever will be, will be." I don't want to know -- I don't want anything to sway my life choices or to cause me to rethink or to avoid life happening. I have faith that God will help me through and I am an independent, free willed spirit, that just likes to do it myself.

Some will say (Christians) that the spiritual gift of prophecy no longer exists. I agree that spiritual gifts (miracles) were acquired by the laying on of hands by the apostles, but is her gift something to be considered a miracle. If so then anyone who has had a "vision" would be considered a heretic. I myself have dreamed of someone saying goodbye, only to find out the next day that they have passed.

But -- I ramble just to tell of this one incident --

Does God talk to us and comfort us today? Yes -- I think he does.

Recently I was told by someone close to me that they do not believe God exists. This to me was disheartening, I fretted all day and into the night. I went outside near midnight and looked into the sky and the moon was more bright than I had ever seen it and around it were the colors of the rainbow. Wow I thought how beautiful.

I ran inside to the computer to see who I could IM to go out and look at the moon. I IM'd my first friend (one who claims to be an atheist) and lives in the next county (within 25 miles). He looked and came back and said -- "I don't see it." It is bright, but no rainbow. I then IM'd another friend, a photographer at that, (he is not a Christian, but something like a Wiccan) he came back and said -- "It is very bright, but no colors." (This man lives in another adjacent county within 15 miles).

Father-in-law got up and I said -- come look outside at the moon. He looked up and said "Wow."

I truly believe that God set that moon and that rainbow in the sky for me. The rainbow is a symbol of His promise. He talks to us, not by sitting down and having a conversation, but he knew I needed His fatherly touch that night.

Wow.

Orca

2008-04-24T08:34:00.002-04:00

First Grade project -- to create a three dimensional animal and learn about it. We chose an orca. To make him -- you take a paper bag, stuff it with plastic grocery bags, paint it to look like an orca -- add fins, a habitat, and a plume of water (rolled up construction paper cut into strips).

Voila -- an orca.

She's really proud of him.

Bragging on Easter (umm hypocrite)

2008-03-25T01:00:00.002-04:00

I know -- bragging is boasting -- and you are not supposed to boast. But aren't they pretty?

We had a really nice Easter Sunday. We went to J's mom and stepdad's house. The children hunted eggs (215 plastic eggs) It was a nice time.

J went to church with us on Sunday morning and our preacher had a really great sermon. The main point is that God delights in our return to him from darkness. He used the image of a father bent down with a toddler just learning to walk and saying come to daddy, come to daddy and how delighted the father is when the child stands on his own two feet and learns to walk the right way.

He also reminded us of the father of the prodigal son and one thing that I had never noticed from the passage. That the father was always looking for the son and his return. The father ran to meet the son and was delighted that his son had returned from the darkness.

God wants us all to come to Him. J was very touched by the lesson. I so want J to come to God and learn of the delights of having God as his father.

Footprint

2008-03-04T15:44:00.003-05:00

Picture this scenario

You share a vehicle with your husband -- he drives to work at night and brings home to you to drive in the morning.

You get in vehicle, driving down the road you notice a bare footprint on the inside of the windshield on the passenger side. Too big to be one of the children's. Too small to be your husband's.

What runs through your mind?

Hmmm.

It's been a while

2008-02-24T18:07:00.003-05:00

I know, I know, it has been a long time since I have written here.

Things are just wild.

Kids going to school.
Kids going to dance.
Softball tryouts.
Girlscouts.
Church.
Website development.
Flu * 6 -- and it's after illnesses have us all down.
The house looks worst than it ever has -- it is nasty. The loveseat in the den is now a huge laundry table.
There is just always something.

To top it all off -- as I have said, time and again, I feel like a single parent. Hubby just won't do anything -- other than add to angst.

I knew the type of man I was marrying, so I shouldn't be surprised. Read something the other day that I thought I should post on the bathroom mirror "The only person that can make me happy, is me."

Yes, he is still drinking -- once a week real good, but it is sort of "out of site, out of mind." With him working third shift, he gets drunk, and is in bed sleeping it off when we get home.

But even if he is not drinking - he still spends the entire time we are home, hidden away in our bedroom upstairs. His is a miserable existence and I explained this to him yesterday. He had been drinking or doing something to make him "not just right" and was an hour late getting in from work. He ate 4 BLT sandwiches, 3 eggs, and a huge glass of milk. Needless to say -- there wasn't anything for the kids -- so I had to make another breakfast for them. He took his food to his cave and when he came down the stairs - he fell all the way to the bottom with his plate and glass breaking on the way down. "Take me to the hospital. "

I examined him, and there was nothing wrong with him, I told him to go to bed. He whined for three hours and kept yelling down the stairs for me -- you don't love me, I probably have a broken rib puncturing my lung, you don't care. I told him to get in the car -- and I took him to the hospital and left him there. Needless to say, there was nothing wrong with him.

Now why all the fuss? Well, his orthopaedic doctor has taken him off of his pain pills. Need I say more?

Earlier this week, he drove his dad's car to my niece's house (same day he had his doctor's appointment) and wrecked it. He wasn't hurt, police didn't get him, but yes, he was drunk and the car looks bad now. Grrrrrr.

So everytime, I try to accomplish something, someone else's needs come up.

Right now -- I am waiting for someone to call because they have NO money, they are sick, they say no one is hiring, and they have 2 babies. They asked for money, I called and told them I would take them to the grocery. I have to get my 3 babies out to do this. Wonder if they will call since I am not giving cash? Things for them have got to change.

Sometimes I just wish someone would say -- "What can I do for you?"

---------------

Just happened to glance up and the kids are watching a DVD with music and the boy is dancing. My Little Pony Christmas "There is nothing that says Christmas like a pair of socks." Makes me remember every year my brother would come in from Florida and have a huge bag full of really nice socks -- we would pass around the bag -- and everyone would get a pair of socks. Good times.

I Need a Reality Show Makeover

2008-02-02T22:41:00.001-05:00

I know -- watching those reality show makeovers is like watching a train wreck. You know it is hideous and terrible of you to want to see such horribleness, but you can't help it -- you just have to gawk.

So here goes --

What Not to Wear
Yep -- I need to be turned in to the fashion police. I still wear clothes that I wore ten years ago. My good clothes were hand me downs from a woman old enough to be my mother. I only buy things off of the clearance rack - because I am "frugal, cheap, broke." I spend my days in pajamas unless I go to work or church. I am a fashion nightmare, my clothes are worn and thin. From time to time -- yes, I know -- too much information, I still wear my nursing bra.

The Super Nanny
I try to instill the best that I can in my children. But find myself resorting to threats, and yelling. I have no backup from my husband who rolls his eyes and retreats to another room. He hides away the whole time we are here and I am placed in a position of single mom with a husband. My day starts at 5:00 a.m. and ends at 1:00 a.m. I work, I take care of children, house, yard, car, homework, teach Bible Class, and try to have a home website business. Trying to give full attention to one child for homework, the other two run rampant. Trying to clean house, they run rampant, trying to get them to help -- but Daddy doesn't do anything. We need supernanny.

Overhauling
Hubby and I got an '88 Mustang back in 2000 and he drove it for one summer and out went the transmission. Now -- it sits and sits and rots and sits and well, it would just be way cool if Chip Foose would come and make the darn thing run and look good. Then I'd have something cool to look at in my back yard instead a rusting hunk of metal.

Clean Sweep
My house is completely out of control. There is no organization, it has been overrun by toys, animals, children, and computer equipment. If my friend at work's wife were to come over -- she wouldn't go past the front room -- which stays clean because it is too small to do anything in. The kitchen table doubles as a homework table, mail spot, catch all, eyesore. The den is a playroom and god forbid I have company, they would have nowhere to sit. The loveseat is a laundry table -- with three kids -- laundry is neverending -- I wash then fold, sort, etc... on the loveseat. They stay there and just keep getting recycled.

Outer Spaces
I love to spend a lot of my time out doors, I like to sit on the porch. I hate my yard. I grew up with a father that took care of the yard. Well as I said previously I am married to a hermit. A couple of months after we bought this house there was a storm -- and it blew off a shutter. That was in 2004. The shutter is still missing. Our yard is full of kids toys, yard tools that he uses for a tiny project that I make him do and he doesn't put them away. I mow, I clean the yard, I trim the trees, I can't keep up -- the dog has warn paths in the back yard, the swing is falling apart, there is a big "crop circle" looking thing in my yard where the kids had their pool -- which was moved to the other side of the yard to kill the grass and make a new semi circle. Oh yeah -- there's the '88 mustang and dead garden.

Intervention
Okay, he's not as bad as the folks they show on this TV show, but it would make an enlightening episode to show how a man that is still drinking, and fighting drinking alone -- needs to seek help. This is why he is a hermit. He drinks heavy once a week. His life is miserable, ours is miserable. He needs help, he refuses help, he works, he drinks, he sleeps, he is a hermit.

Biggest Loser
I love myself by eating. When I feel used, abused, taken advantage of...not loved. I eat. Not out of stress, but out of lack of attention. I am fat - I know that. Hey Sis -- let's apply for the casting call.

Maybe they can all just have one big mini-series featuring "us". Wouldn't that be something.?

An Email I Received

2008-01-23T22:56:00.000-05:00

Every once and a while, a seemingly-simple email comes

around that ends up being quite profound. This is one of them.

Awesome!!

We complain about the cross we bear

but don't realize it is preparing us for the dip in the road that God can see and we cannot.

Whatever your cross,

whatever your pain,

there will always be sunshine, after the rain....

Perhaps you may stumble, perhaps even fall;

But God's always ready, to answer your call....

He knows every heartache, sees every tear,

a word from His lips, can calm every fear...

Your sorrows may linger, throughout the night,

But suddenly vanish, by dawn's early light...

The Savior is waiting, somewhere above,

to give you His grace, and send you His love.

May God fill your day with blessings!!

Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle!

Busy, very Busy

2008-01-16T00:26:00.000-05:00

I've been very, very busy lately -- that is why I haven't been blogging as I should. I have found that blogging is very therapeutic for me.

This is what I have been doing in my "spare" time.

3xBlessed.com

On top of that they have put me in "charge" of the implementation, installation, and deployment of the Sharepoint Server -- or intranet server for our agency. Don't ask -- it's complicated. So, I spend a lot of time on Microsoft's website and others researching how in the heck I'm supposed to do this.

Kids are great. Husband is doing good. I'm proud of him today. He don't drink a whole lot in the winter -- as I've said before, it is seasonal with him. His shoulder is still stiff, but he is doing better.

The house is a mess -- will be until the kids are grown. Had lunch with Sis today. Have I told ya'll that I love her. Basically, she is my favorite adult in the whole wide world.

I have sciatica and am on cortisone for a few days -- it is making me act weird, but the pain has pretty much subsided.

And this just makes me angry. The man is dead for heaven's sake. Isn't anything sacred.

Article about PETA tombstone.

Got to go now -- need some sleep. Will check back in soon.

Jumping on the Bandwagon

2007-12-31T00:07:00.000-05:00

Yep -- New Year's Resolutions...

Here we go!!! In no particular order.

To be a better mother. I have been impatient lately, scatterbrained, and less attentive than I should be. I have let things fall through the cracks. Incorporated in this is to be better keeper at home as the Bible says to be in Titus 2:5. The house is a mess, the kids get frustrated, I get grumpy. All is a whirlwind right now. I need to focus more on them and less on the husband, myself, and petty things of the world. In doing this, I want to put myself and the children on a schedule for doing things such as chores, nightly meals, homework time and adding a nightly family devotional.

To be a better wife. To be encouraging rather than discouraging. To not talk to him of only the negative things of my day or the childrens' day, but of the positive things and to thank him for being a good employee. I also want to encourage him by remembering that he is NOT a mind reader and that if I want him to do something, I need to let him know that I want something done, but not assume that he knows what I want. I will also strive to be more encouraging as a good example of a Godly woman and mother. To encourage him to want to learn more of Jesus and fill the emptiness inside of him.

To be healthier. I have let this slide. In so doing I will resume my taking of my antidepressant and begin eating better. Living with two high metabolism people in my household has been my bane in succombing to their peer pressure. I also want to stop smoking again. Daughter #2 is very disturbed by my smoking habit. I must remember that my body is the Lord's temple.

To get the budget back under control. I have let it slide and need to get back on track. To recoup my savings and get the snowball rolling once again. God has blessed me with a lot and it is my job to be a good steward of those things that He has provided me. To not waste my talents.

To share God's gift with those around me. By being a good example to those I come in contact, by controlling my tongue and not using idle and vain language (cursing), as it says in Luke 6:44, "every tree is known by its fruit." We sing a hymn that speaks of the end of time and seeing a worldly acquaintance and them saying "You never mentioned Him to me." This is sad, there are many people that I care deeply about that I wish that I discussed my desire for them to have God in their lives, but I didn't. Will they see me in judgment and say to me those sad words? "You never mentioned Him to me, You helped me not the light to see."

To be a better employee. I am blessed with a wonderful workplace that tolerates the fact that I am a mother first and foremost. At times, I take this for granted. I should work harder and more efficiently. I should learn and grow as an employee and do my best for those that have put their trust in my abilities. I need to remember that they are a blessing and that I should serve them as the Lord, Ephesians 6:5-6.

Well -- that's a tall order. Guess I'd better get busy.

and for you...

The Lord bless you and keep you;
The Lord make His face shine upon you,
And be gracious to you;
The Lord lift up His countenance upon you,
And give you peace.

Numbers 6:24-26

Christmas Reflections

2007-12-26T07:41:00.000-05:00

Many of us will find many familiar things in this song!!!
Just for laughs!!! Actually we've had a great Christmas and the house looks like Santa's Workshop exploded inside of it.

Luv ya'll.

Nay

Merry Christmas

2007-12-24T23:46:00.001-05:00

May you all be blessed as much as we were this Holiday Season. Peace and Joy to you all.

Nay

Tag -- I'm It

2007-12-19T23:36:00.000-05:00

OK -- I was tagged, never been tagged in a blog before, so I have taken a while to think of the answers, and now I will attempt to answer.

Thanks to my lovely cyberfriend MeHereNow.

I attempted to use this as an exercise in introspection. Here's the rules as she posted them.

Eight random facts

(1) Each player starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves.

(2) People who are tagged need to write a post on their own blog (about their eight things) and post these rules.

(3) At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.

(4) Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

In No Particular Order...

I am a procrastinator. I am most creative when I am working under stress.
I was a drum major in high school. Played the clarinet and went to college on a music scholarship.
I am mean. One of those people who will kill you with kindness. Yep, not a pretty sight.
My favorite color is yellow. I read this thing one time that says that people who have the color yellow as their favorite have a tendency to suffer from mental illnesses.
I do not like Christmas. Too many bad memories and it never lives up to my expectations. However, I do believe in Santa Claus.
I am a poser. I can make you think that I am schooled in just about anything. Learn a few buzz words, like "firewall", and you will think I am "all that and a bag of chips."
I graduated in the top 5% of my high school class, I scored high on all aptitude tests, was accepted into and attended a prestigious University, and never cracked a book.
I would rather be hit than yelled at. My self-esteem is low and belittling me hurts a whole lot worse and lasts a whole lot longer than anything physical.

I know -- weird, but you asked for it, you got it.
Watch out folks, here I come to tag you.

The BOY turned Three

2007-12-17T23:05:00.000-05:00

On December 13, the boy turned three.

After getting all of the new fangled goodies this is what he decided to do...
So much more fun than playing with toys...don't ya think?

Back to Work and Then Some

2007-12-17T13:01:00.000-05:00

Update on J****'s health --

The doctor released J**** to go back to work. He went back last night on restricted duty, but at least he is back. He is glad to be back. He is still favoring his left arm and it still hurts quite a bit and is tender.

Griping and Moaning Time --

He had been off of work since the end of November and hadn't lifted one finger to do anything around the house. I don't know who has it better, him or the dog. This causes me to feel resentment and think -- are we not worth your putting forth an effort to do something around here.

Before Thanksgiving, it looked like a bunch of rednecks lived in our house. Before we hosted the dinner, I cooked, cleaned, and even cleaned the yard. I mean pulling up dead vines, moving branches, putting back his tools that he left strung everywhere. My goodness -- did his parents do everything for him but wipe his hind end?

I am tired, worn to a frazzle, stressed, and being forgetful. Last year I was so good about getting the kids to functions, getting supper, homework, baths, etc... done. This year -- I can't make it work. Something is constantly falling through the cracks.

I need to purge. With father-in-law living with us, everything is all upside-down. I need to get rid of a bunch of toys, clothes, etc that were once living in "his" room and are now everywhere. Sad thing is -- the boy no longer has a room and I guess what I need to do is move the girls back in together and give the boy one of their rooms. Honestly, I don't know if father-in-law will ever leave. He is content. I am a mal-content. I can take someone for so long, but now that he has started back to drinking (never at our house) and coming in and zonking out, I can't stand it. He leaves work and goes straight to the bar, drinks what he considers his limit, then comes to the house and goes to bed. Makes life awkward.

When he first moved in -- he took on the two responsibilities of laundry and dishes. Well -- guess who is doing them again? Yep, me. Every once in a while he will clean the kitchen, but that is if he hasn't gone to the bar.

Our Night Out --

Mother-in-law offered to take all three kids for an evening and hubby took her up on it. He went on about how we needed time alone to reconnect and how we could be with one another (blah, blah, blah.) Honestly, I was dreading the night. For one reason, the mother-in-law is not healthy and I was worried about her being able to handle them. But thankfully, they were all very well behaved. I guess that is a credit to the parents...at least I hope it is.

So, I get home from work to pick up J**** and kids to deliver them to his mama and he had been drinking. His mama spotted it right away and gave him 9 kinds of hell. She flew up one side of him and down the other and stated that the only reason that she didn't "knock the shit" out of him was because her grandbabies were there and the only reason she didn't send him away was because of me. She may be crazy, but she loves me.

So, what did we end up doing, heck -- I just took him out and got him drunker. I had a drink, too. First time since April of 2002 - shame on me. Fed him and went and finished up Christmas shopping. Took him home -- briefly reacquainted ourselves (beer dick is well ewww) and went to sleep. Next day -- he laid around on couch, I studied about the server I am building at work and wrapped Christmas presents.

His sobriety or lack thereof --

He hides his alcohol, he hides empty cans. The kids find them. I told him this is the same as lying and to just be a man and put them in the fridge -- because I don't give a rat's butt anymore and as long as he is asleep when we get home and I don't have to deal with him - I don't care. More or less -- we all live in a big ol' house and are happy to live our own lives and are miserable when we see each other.

Misery / Contentment --

We had a guest speaker at church one night, a soldier from Iraq. He pointed out that contentment is something you can only give yourself. You have to make the choice in whatever situation to be happy or to be miserable. My father says, he has made the decision to be miserable. Earlier that day I had told J**** that I was miserable. But, you know what -- "This world is not my home." So I should be content -- it is only temporary -- I will work on myself, J**** will just have to work on himself, cuz I sure enough can't fix him.

Perception is Reality

2007-12-04T22:03:00.000-05:00

aka -- Meddlesome old women

Where to start? Not for sure really.

My sister is having a rough time right now. She feels unappreciated and taken advantage of...sometimes that is the story of being a mom. I am worried about her. But, she is resilient. You can go to her blog and read her story if you are interested. I know that when her daughter and family moved in with her -- she let them know that this was not a permanent situation. I know that she had expectations of them. I know that she doesn't feel that they kept up their end of the bargain. I know that she is scared for her daughter -- because in this world a person's perception of a situation is also that person's reality of the situation.

NOTE: Niece and hubby -- if you read this, read it all the way through. This is not criticism, this is love. This is in no way to put you down, but to build you up. This is from my heart - and yes, sometimes the truth hurts but as the Bible says, "The truth will set you free."

"Perception is reality." -- my dear friend DT (God rest her soul) used to say that a lot.

Perception is that they do not have the money to make a go of it on their own. Reality is -- they did not pay her and owe her a lot of money, and she suffered a great deal financially. Reality is -- she is NOT worried about her money, but worries about how they will make it, if they couldn't help her.
Perception is that he does not want to work. Reality is -- he has not held a job for an extended period of time, specifically a job where he has to be accountable to the government, and accountable for himself with the threat of random drug-testing. Reality is -- my husband used to be the same way. Reality is -- my sister's ex, my niece's father was the same way. Reality is -- if you don't pay into some sort of retirement system, you are screwed when you get old. Reality is -- you don't want to end up like those 50 year old men whose families have left them and don't want to see them because of their past addictions and shortcomings -- who live in their garages, or alone in an apartment, you don't want your children to despise you when they grow up.
Perception is that no one takes my niece's disease seriously and no one other than Sis, or myself will take care of her. Reality is -- all mama's think that no one is going to take care of her baby as good as she does. Reality is -- she doesn't take care of herself unless someone is fighting her to do so. Reality is -- I sat and watched two people that should have loved her dearly ignore a respiratory therapist and say that neither one of them had the time for that. Reality is -- I think her husband is scared to death of this disease and doesn't know how to cope with it and doesn't even want to consider that he could lose someone that close to him again.
Perception is they have gone from bad to worst. Reality is -- hopefully not that. Hopefully they have hit their "rock bottom" and have decided to stop being addicted to being in turmoil, to stop being addicted to drama, to stop being addicted to "woe is me." Believe me -- those are addictive. Hopefully reality is that the government assisted housing, which I am praying is not a drug infested cesspool, is just a stepping stone to giving those beautiful angels that the Lord has blessed them with a better life and a stable life.
Perception is that the fruit doesn't fall far from the tree. Reality is--they moved back to the orchard.
Perception is that we are meddlesome old fools. Reality is--no matter what, we are here for them and always have been. Reality is -- when no one else would, we did. Reality is -- we love them. Reality is -- we have a hard time letting go. Reality is -- they had better be glad we are meddlesome old fools and not once have they fooled these old fools. Reality is -- we may be mouthy, me may be critical, yes salt may burn the wound but it also cures. Reality is -- that is the way we are, and more than likely we will not change.
Perception is that all they did was fight. Reality is -- they laughed, they cried, they fought, they loved, they were a family. Reality is -- that family was torn apart without much notice and no adjustment period for the children or the person left alone. Reality is -- she did the same to me on multiple occasions - because it is too hard for her to say goodbye. Reality is -- we are the most harsh to the ones that we love and that we know will love us unconditionally.
Perception is that they are deadbeats. Reality is -- the government sucks in this arena. Reality is -- if you are getting government assistance, you are stuck. Reality is -- if you get a job making minimum wage, they take your foodstamps away -- and in this economy, you cannot feed two adults and two children on minimum wage. Reality is -- scary for them.
Perception is that he is a worthless, wimpy, sack of poo. Reality is -- I know better. Reality is -- he's very bright and took the GED and passed on his first try without studying. Reality is -- he's had one hell of a life, that no young man should have had to endure. Reality is -- I know he is scared. Reality is -- he had no manly guidance in that critical period when he really needed it. Reality is -- I know he can, I wouldn't have invested money in his business venture if I didn't think he can. Reality is -- he had best stop disappointing me because out of the whole crew of drunken, drugged out misfits (BS, JN, EP, GF, RB, etc...) I thought he would be the one to rise above it all and be the one they would all be looking up to.
Perception is he can't and he won't. Reality is -- he can if he remembers a few things.

The answers to life's problems don't come in a bottle, in a pill, in a rolling paper but from trusting in God. Happiness isn't in these things. These things drag you down. I KNOW you can do without these things.
The testimony to a good man are his children first and his wife. If your children are successful and taken care of, if they are happy, safe, secure, and provided for then you are successful.
Mama told J**** when F**** was born, that a child only hears about 10% of what you say, but sees 90% of the things you do. Be a good example.
The Bible says for a man to leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife (I think this is a two way street.) Sometimes you have to just listen to the meddlesome old fools (me, his mama, her mama, granny) and take it for what it is "advice", then stand on your own two feet and make the BEST decision for your family.
Papaw J said, marriage is 100/100 not 50/50. You both have to give it your all.
Take care of yourself mentally and physically.
Trust in the Lord, and trust yourself, trust each other.
Someone once called J**** a piece of shit -- I responded that God does NOT make shit, but all are created in His image.
You have no where to go but up.
Please take care of our babies.

Perception is she's just like her daddy. Reality is -- in some ways she is, and in other ways she's like her mama. Reality is -- she's her own person trying to find her way but can't figure out the map. Reality is -- she's tired and she's tired of being pushed down each time she tries. Reality is -- she is sick. Reality is -- she's got two young children and just wants a break. Reality is -- she too is a meddlesome old fool. Reality is -- she's a lot like me. Reality is -- I sometimes feel that I failed her and that I should have shown her a better way than catering to, and allowing a man to rule her, that I should have taught her to be stronger, that I should have been harder on her, that I should have taught her more about the comfort of having God in her life. Reality is -- she is deep down, wonderful.

Love,
A meddlesome old fool.

Post-surgery

2007-11-26T13:07:00.000-05:00

Just got back from the doctor's office.

Hubby is healing well, but because the bone was cut. I understand that when you mess with the bone -- healing and pain are a lot worse. So the doctor wants him to be off of work for two more weeks and return on December 14. The doctor did say that if the factory had extremely light duty available he could go back later this week.

I was upset initially, but was determined to not be a bitch about it.

So -- when J**** asked me what I wanted him to do -- I told him that I cannot make that decision for him.

Why not?

1) I don't live in his body and do not know how much pain he is in and I do not know the limits to which he can push himself.

2) If I tell him to go back and he gets reinjured -- there ya go -- I'm the bad guy.

3) If I tell him to stay off -- we are in a financial bind.

4) He is an adult and needs to take responsibility for himself and his family. This is his decision to make. I can advise him of the bills and costs of items and the money in the bank -- but that is it.

I did after a bit of discussion -- tell him -- "I told you to wait until after the first of the year when we knew we would have income tax to fall back on and it wasn't around the Christmas Holidays." I left it at that. This was elective surgery.

I do know that as a responsible adult he is going to have to have his father step up to the plate and help us with the bills. He has lived in our house since the end of June and has not offered us money. He has brought in a few groceries -- mostly his favorite junk foods, and will go and get us food if I am too busy to cook. But, I bring him home food too when I get something for the rest of us.

My point is -- pointless.

Back to the pain -- I know he is in pain, or was in pain, but because of his history with addictions you don't know whether or not he is really in pain. He has not been abusing the pain pills -- he does take them as prescribed. But, he makes it hard to trust him.

This is one of those instances where I take my Papaw's advice and remember that "Every tub has to sit on it's own bottom." In this case -- this is his decision, he knows what he needs to do. I will support him either way.

Arthroscopic Shoulder Surgery

2007-11-21T22:08:00.001-05:00

J**** had arthroscopic shoulder surgery on Tuesday. This is just one set of pictures that the doctor provided of the inside of hubby's shoulder. Top left shows them tightening ligaments with a suture. Top Right shows the real problem of bone spurs and an abnormally formed shoulder blade. Bottom left shows the after picture where the spurs and the bone have been removed and reshapen. Bottom right I think is just another view of Bottom left.

He's in a lot of pain, but I hope that this helps in the long run.

After the surgery I was told he was given Morphine and Dilaudid along with being prescribed a heavy dose of Hydrocodone. So anyway -- when he got home he thought he was "Superman", he was like, "Hey this surgery stuff is a snap." I had to make him go to bed. About 1:00 a.m. he got up and said "Owwwww -- the anesthesia has worn off."

Bless his heart -- he needs some babying the next few days.

My Big Brother

2007-11-19T22:39:00.000-05:00

My mom tells the story of the birth of my brother. It was back in 1958 when the hospitals were still segregated. It must have been a full moon because the hospital was full of women birthin' babies. My aunt was also in labor with her youngest child, but they didn't get to the hospital as early as Mama did. Brother was born in the "white" section and high falutin cousin and aunt had to go to the "negro" section of the hospital to be born.

Brother was actually born after midnight on November 20, but the doctor in this small Kentucky town was determined that since November 19 was his birthday that this child was going to have his birthday -- so the birth record was officially filed as my brother being born on November 19, 1958. Wasn't he a beautiful baby boy? That is my Sister holding him. Doesn't she look proud of her baby brother?

A typical middle child, I would hear stories of his uncanny ability to tune out everything and be in his own world. Like my middle child -- you could holler at the top of your lungs to get his attention, and he wouldn't hear you. You would literally have to go and tap him on the shoulder to get his attention. Wonder if it had anything to do with having two ornery sisters?

I was born when he was 8 1/2 years old and I idolized my big brother. When I was in fifth grade, my teacher told me about having my brother as a student. She said at the start of the year he came into class all excited and said -- Mrs. J, Mrs. J guess what? I am going to learn to play the violin. Then she said at the end of the school year he came in and and was excited telling her Mrs. J, Mrs. J -- I have a baby sister!!!! Yep -- he's been playing that fiddle for forty years now.

At 17 he graduated from High School and went to college at the University of Alabama. We would take him to the Greyhound bus station and I would cry when he would leave. As I said, I looked up to him. He was my refuge in a home where alcoholism was starting to be ugly. I'd sleep in the bed with him at night. He taught me to whistle. He'd play with me. He'd make me laugh. He made me feel safe.

I was now the only child left at home. I wrote him lots of letters. I bragged to my friends about my wonderful big brother, about how handsome he is, and how talented he is... I even started playing an instrument and followed in his classical music footsteps for a while.

Brother moved out of state and became the Principle Violist for an orchestra.

I admit that I do not know my brother as well as I should. But , I have always felt that I can open up to him like no one else. Like Daddy he is soft spoken, and very reflective. He is very intelligent and he is a hypochondriac (in a good way.) Brother was a bachelor for many years until he married his high school sweetheart. She found him on the internet and sent an email to him saying "hey are you the same guy I knew in high school?" They were married soon after.

They now have a beautiful little girl and she is the joy of his life. Every time I hear him talk about her I can hear the amazement and the love and pride in his voice. It is like he has been fulfilled.

The girls and I called Uncle B***** tonight and sang him the Birthday song. Last year at Christmas, my kids played with him and I could see that if they were around him, they would love him and look up to him in the way that I did. He is just too cool.

Oh -- sometimes Sis and I laugh and joke "We have a brother?" He has been gone from Kentucky so long. I guess that is just our way of saying -- we miss you, and we may somewhat resent the fact that he got away from all of the craziness that we have lived.

My brother is bald. There's just something sexy about a bald man. He is the "SON" in my Mama's eyes and the Sun rises and sets in him. That is okay. I have a son now and I understand.

I am proud to be your baby sister.

I think it is really cool what you do for a living.

So -- with this I am sending Big Birthday Wishes.

I love you Big Brother.

So Pretty, Oh so Pretty...

2007-11-15T22:41:00.001-05:00

Disservice

2007-11-10T01:48:00.000-05:00

disservice
A	noun
	1	disservice, ill service, ill turn
			an act intended to help that turns out badly; "he did them a disservice"

J**** uses the excuse for drinking of..."it eases the pain."; "it helps me relax."; "I deserve it, I work hard."

Now look at the definition of disservice. He explains away his alcoholism with the fact that the alcohol helps him cope with pain, stress, and as a reward system, etc...when in fact he is doing himself a disservice. How can someone not see that they are hurting themselves?

How a disservice --

Pain relief & Relaxation (the following are excerpts from a very interesting article on alcohol used for pain relief and relaxation - you can click on the text to take you there) -- "Emotionally, alcohol has a stimulating effect: 'l feel good, blow the pain"', she says. "However, it is also a suppressant and nulls the senses - but only temporarily. Sixteen hours after a bout of drinking, seratonin (the chemical that governs mood) lowers, causing depression. Depression makes you more aware of your pain so it's back to the bottle - and further depression. "On the physical side, low mood leads to lack of motivation which can result in de-conditioning such as stiff muscles, bad posture and guarding. Since alcohol often replaces food, the appetite can become poor and poor nutrition increases pain intensity...You may find yourself saying, "Never mind, I only have a good drink every so often so it can't hurt." Think again! Although the alcohol may have left your system within 24 hours, it can take your body up to 40 days to fully recover from the toxins that it leaves behind..."One of the best known effects of alcohol is that it is a depressant. It depresses our inhibitions, our pain levels and our mood. Unfortunately, while the effect on our inhibitions and pain levels is short lived the effect on our mood is not. Long term use of alcohol is known to be an important factor in the cause and maintenance of clinical depression and many anxiety problems. Both of these conditions will increase the amount of pain you feel. In addition people who drink more than a few units of alcohol are likely to have worse sleep patterns, poorer quality sleep and be more irritable in their day to day activities.
I deserve it I work hard -- Alcohol is advertised in our society as a reward for hard work. But based upon the symptoms above -- this reward disables him from enjoying the true rewards of life, his children. When drinking -- he is not responsible enough to play with or be with his children, after drinking (when he drinks during the day when we are away) he is unable because he is "sleeping it off." The next day - he can't because he is hung-over and very irritable. So his reward to himself punishes his children and it also punishes the spouse - by giving her the extra responsibility of being a two-paycheck household with a single mom.

I long ago faced the fact that he will not quit drinking for me or for the children. But being as self-centered a person as he is -- he should figure out that he is cheating himself from having one heck of a life. Because, his children and I are living our lives as though he does not exist. We do what we need to do and what we want to do -- only he is losing out on the grand time.

Yep, he is doing himself a disservice. What a sad existence he has...

What's Going On...

2007-11-02T22:49:00.001-04:00

Happy Belated Halloween!!My Three Goblins

I know, I know. It's been a while since I've updated everyone on the goin's on in our household. Why? Because like my sister's blog I've been busy as a bee. With what? Work, kids, household chores, running here and there with young'ns, church, Halloween, just plain ol' being a mom. Life is good when that is what you can say about your life.

J****? You ask? Well, his situation is neither here nor there. For the most part he is staying sober. We are not home during the day -- which is his night time. There's been a few mornings when we have our morning phone calls and I can tell he has been drinking. But he's asleep when we get home and well...like I've said before "life goes on."

Life goes on -- I've told him in the past and I still tell him -- this train don't stop for no one. So it is his choice if he wants to hop on and ride with us or not. We don't put anything on hold for him. If he decides he'd rather stay up all day and sleep when we are home, it is his loss. We go out to eat, we go to school functions, we go to church or we just plain ol' go and goof off.

One fun ride -- we went this past Sunday and had family pictures taken at the Olan Mills studio. It was fun. They took one picture of J**** and I and we had the giggles. We were to take a serious all googly eyed picture of us being snuggly -- well we had to laugh. The photographer said we looked like we just ate a pickle. Here's pics of the girls getting their hair ready for the appointment.

I have also been working on the church's presence on the web. I created a blog for them at Searching for the Truth? If no one else gets anything from it, I will because I usually have to retype the articles and then I have to create the links. So, this means I reread and get to look over the verses. Kind of like a daily devotional. I am trying to put a new article up every day. The articles aren't written by me, but they are good articles.

I guess when you are checking us out and it has been a while since I have posted, you can always remember the old adage, "No news is good news."

Some May Say "Why Me?"

2007-10-19T18:34:00.000-04:00

I started this on Friday and am finishing it up today...

Quite a while back, my niece was diagnosed with the disease sarcoidosis. It has been a very tough time for her and her husband, her mother, and children. The disease causes her fatigue and messes with her body in all ways. The steroids have caused her to gain weight, which makes her more miserable. She is having a rough go of it. On top of that they are economically, domestically, and otherwise strained.A few days ago her regular doctor told her that the disease was getting better -- it was in her lungs, but it was slowing down. She did have scar tissue, but the news was better than any she had received in a long while. The doctor also sent her to several specialists to make certain that it had not spread to other parts of her body.

Today she saw the specialist -- bad news -- the disease has spread to muscles, bones, eyes, and she also has fibromyalgia. The news was devastating. The next step is a neurologist, cardiologist, rheumatologist, ophthalmologist, and other specialists. She'll have a bone marrow test and a spinal tap. All very scary stuff.

She is frightened and her outlook is hard to keep positive. But -- here's some thoughts...

1) Have faith in the Lord. As I have said many times before, the Lord will not place more on you than you can bear. I Corinthians 10:13 "And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it."

2) Keep a positive outlook even though I know it is hard. Phillipians 4:11 "I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances."

3) Never give up. I John 4:4 "You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world."

4) Take care of yourself. Your body is not your own. I Corinthians 6:19 " Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own;"

5) Learn to cope and learn to let go by I Thessalonians 5:17 "Pray without ceasing." Matthew 17:20 "I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."

Read the story of Job.
When Bad Things Happen to Good People
Coping with Chronic Illness
Chronic Illness Coping -- lots of Good articles

There's lots more out there where that came from. And remember, I love you.

Godly Issues

2007-10-11T09:38:00.000-04:00

I am a member of the Church of Christ and many folks hear that and say, "ohhh, I see." Then they ask which one, the liberal or conservative bunch? Shocker the conservative bunch. Then, I get the response, "oh the one that believes everyone is going to hell but you." Well, no we don't believe that because we are not even guaranteed that we aren't going to hell. Salvation is proactive and by grace. You have to do what you're told.

So ,folks say don't worry about what your church says. They are referring to the people. I, however, am not referring to the individuals but what I believe is taught by the Lord.

Now, I know that wedding vows were written by man. But I did make a vow for better or worse. Lots of people have it a whole lot worse. Lots a whole lot better. I had worse with husband number one. The scriptures teach there is only one reason for divorce. We have studied this at church and the members along with me don't believe that God is saying to live with abuse but he does set stipulations upon getting remarried. I don't want to be alone.

And yes, I forgive and I love, and I rejoice daily. I am an optimist because this World is not my reward and as my tagline says We are to be a peculiar people. I have taught my children to pray and we pray for them their daddy and for me. I pray also.

My preacher, yes the preacher of a conservative church has said that he understands my reason for pursuing divorce and that there is a divorce action on the lawbooks that is still not finalized. But he also from his dealings with J**** has the feeling that there is hope. He has suggested and he and his wife have offered me and the children sanctuary in their home if needed to escape for a few days and to "give J****" a taste of life without us.

I know in the past my biggest issue has been what would God want me to do.

I know that my children are effected, but I have not taught them to ignore the elephant in the living room as I was. Nor have I taught them to treat the disease of alcoholism as a dirty little secret.

It is a disease and I have learned that in alanon. I can't cure it. He can't cure it. Yes many say a self inflicted disease but as a person that suffers from depression and a food addiction and a nicotine addiction I know that if there is something that you feel you can't handle I tend to lean upon either self-pity, food ,or cigarettes. In his case it is alcohol. I have found more and more everyday that I can lean on God. My higher power. J**** needs to establish that relationship with his heavenly father and learn to lean on Him. I am also a firm believer that he will not put on my shoulders more than I can bear.

Now, I promised to publish good and bad.

J**** and I briefly discussed his drunken episode and I asked him to explain the trigger. He was stressed out about the possibility of a drug test and realizes he needs to develop coping skills of which he has none.

Example: The passenger mirror on the van was broken a couple of weeks ago. It weighed on him. He imagined me careening down the road hitting everything in site. He had it set in his mind it would cost 3-400 dollars to fix. He didn't stop to survey. I looked into it and we can get a new one for fifty bucks and replace it ourselves.

Same thing when he got drunk. He let his mind dwell on a petty issue that has not and will not come to fruition.

Other nice stuff. He had dinner ready last night when we came home. Lasagna garlic bread and salad. Which was very nice because I was exhausted.

Oh and I took my antidepressant.

Stayed up to midnight to make "mismatched" shirts for girls because the sewing machine decided it would not work right. So the picture above is of the girls in their mismatched shirt. This is for some sort of school spirit thing they are doing at school this week. I bought two t-shirts at Goodwill, cut them in half and then sewed the mismatched halves together. Aren't they precious?

Go Ahead and Gloat

2007-10-09T09:49:00.000-04:00

Yeah, yeah, yeah -- you told me so.

Nine days of sobriety was enough for him. Got to feeling sorry for his damn self and kaboom -- Drunken Bubby.

Feeling sorry -- went to doctor and he needs surgery on his arm. Doctor says that he is a mess and that all of his joints are in bad shape. I still think that a lot of the pain is due to depression and the alcoholism and the desire to have the pain pills.

I know, I know -- gloat. Be smug enjoy yourselves. Be aggravated at me.

But -- as the old indian man said "Walk a Mile in My Moccasins."

You can call them excuses.

I view my issues as conflicts.

I am a person of positive outlook so I see the best in everyone. I know he has the potential and CAN do this. I also know that at this point in his life he doesn't want to do this.

I guess you can call me a whore because I need his bring home pay to take care of the home and the children. Oh, I can make it. But...the alternative is scary. Females like that safety net. Yes, I know you can't put a price on the children's needs.

Maybe I am just plain old lazy, tired or worn out, but I'm just tired of it right now and emotionally, physically I can't deal with it. He works third -- he drinks, sleeps, and for the kids it is pretty much out of sight, out of mind. They have no idea unless they hear me tell someone, that Daddy is drinking (the majority of the time.) Guess you can say I'm just flailing right now.

Stay and I'm a failure --- leave and I'm a failure. The church frowns upon divorce and I really don't like the idea of being a two-time divorcee. I don't have the money for an attorney right now and have borrowed and am paying back too much to my parents as it is. I'm tired of being a burden to them.

Guess BHP was right -- I am becoming bitter. I am starting to resign myself to this. Giving up. I know I need to pull myself up by my bootstraps.

Yep -- feeling sorry for myself today. Hell -- if I was him I would just drink. But, no someone has to be the responsible adult.

Just ranting and rambling.

So what am I doing for me? I do online al-anon, I pour myself into my church stuff and my kids, I blog, I reflect.

Yes, I am off of my antidepressants. I got my prescription filled and will start back. But, they make me not give a damn about anything. I hate that feeling. I care right now -- choice be a veg or care. Hmmmm.

So -- anyway he called me this morning and apologized. I told him I don't want to hear it and that he needs to straighten his act up. I need him. I need him to go to counseling or AA I told him. I can't afford counseling. We'll see he said.

Hell -- he can afford to go to the doctor everytime he runs out of Loratabs. $55 bucks for prescription and visit. But he can't afford to talk to someone that can help him get to the heart of the matter. Aaargh. Charming (a wonderful blog buddy) who is sober says that you have to find out what is causing you to drink. WHY?

His Dad is living with us. His dad is sober. His Dad is his primary alcohol example. His Dad is his EXCUSE and more than likely his issue. They need to come to terms with these issues. His Dad is seeing himself through his son and I believe has realized the harm he did.

Oh well -- no answers for now -- just getting off of my chest. Go ahead beat me up -- but offer something useful this time.

So what happened -- after doctor's appointment he had no ride back to the house so walked home. Called me and I was unavailable in a meeting. So he passes by old Crack Addicts house and stops to say hi. Ends up bring ol' dude home with him. J**** drinks. He also knew that I was going to be home early that day -- had arranged a technology delivery around lunch and long afternoon so we could have some "alone time." But guess he would rather be alone with a snaggle toothed addict than with his wife or family. So spent most of day trying to get him to get to sleep and listening to him holler. Kids did see him drunk this time and quickly retreated to neighbor's house to play after homework was done. Yep, he acted the arse and was very aggravating and beligerent.

Thank goodness we are having a "Gospel Meeting" this week a revival as most call it -- cause I need some reviving.

Why I Write..

2007-10-07T22:39:00.001-04:00

This blog is my sounding board. I usually do not post unless I am terribly aggravated, frustrated, etc. SO WHAT? well -- I publish the negative, it is one sided, it is biased. I write about the bad and not the good.

So -- let's take care of some business --

Does your church know you are keeping your children in that environment? Yes, in fact I have been very open with my congregation, asking for prayers for J**** and our family. They are supportive of keeping the family. My "pastor, minister, preacher" has counseled me and the men of the congregation are working on becoming friends with him. You, see -- he has no friends. He has "good time Charlie" buddies that talk about him behind his back but like him when he is as his Mama would say "Drunken Bubby."

Children's services will have something to say about this. Social Services was called once on my husband by the G*****'s preschool. The social worker, said that the claims were unfounded and there was no sign of negligence or child abuse in our home. Don't take too much stock in "children's services" - these are the same people that have returned my best friends' nieces sons (a crack addict) to her on several occasions.

"Nay"? Do you think your children are happy? Yes, they love their father. They speak well of their father. They have multiple outlets for expressing themselves. Their school counselors and teachers know that their father is an alcoholic and I have on occasion told the counselor that they may need to talk. They know that they can tell anyone that they want about what goes on at home, they speak freely with me, their father, their grandparents, their aunts. If they aren't happy -- Yes, it is because of me, but not because of their father -- but because -- I hate to admit it -- I am quite stern and tend to push too hard.

Beating a drug test. Is that illegal? If it is you are committing a crime. Beating a drug test by taking in someone's urine, yes. Is there a penalty -- nah -- I know folks who have done it and have been caught. Cleansing your body of toxins -- is that illegal -- don't think it would hold up, protecting your family from a mistake -- better than giving up. What would you do? Fight for your job or give up and let your children go without? Thin line? Anyway -- I doubt he'll be tested anyway.

Can you say "enabling"? Not in this case. I have done good at not enabling. But, we CANNOT afford for him to be without this job. He works hard -- he takes on 18 hours overtime each week. He smoked with a coworker. He did nothing wrong on the job -- he is having an allergic reaction to a chemical used for prepping parts for shipping. The supervisor noticed the chemical burns on his hands, sent him to the nurses station for ointment, the nurse wants him to get it looked at by company doctor. Why? Because he is such a good employee.

Any woman that would allow their children to be subjected to this abuse is just as bad as the man doing the abusing. Hmmm. To each his own. I know a woman who has a husband that is never there -- is this abuse, is she a co-abuser? I know man who says that his mother was a control freak -- was this abuse? I know people that constantly send their children to relatives to get them out of their hair -- is this abuse? We had a VP that traveled for her job, her husband worked hours away, their daughter had a nanny and rarely saw her parents -- is this abuse? If you cut to the chase -- no child lives in a perfect home -- all children suffer some sort of abuse.

Making him feel not so shit astounds me. Nobody is a piece of shit. All were created in God's image. For him to call himself a piece of shit is to call God a piece of shit. God is love. I love J****. So this is the segue to stuff you folks don't want to read -- the good stuff. The stuff I don't write about -- the thinks I have no reason to rant or rave about. Tell me, what wife doesn't "bitch" about her husband.

His week --

He gets home around 7:20 -- comes in and finishes getting the boy ready (shoes, jacket, gathering toys, and securing him in vehicle). Kisses me goodbye. Waits for me to call after boy is dropped off and talks on phone with me for 20 minute drive to work -- telling me about his night and discussing plans for the day. He winds down alone and sleeps. He gets up around 7:30 and goes to work early. Spends about an hour each night with children, me and his father -- listening to their day, readying himself for work, and looking at their school papers. The night that he didn't have to go in early this past week -- he got up early to do homework with the girls and play with the boy, he took a nap when I put them to bed and got up to go to work at 9:40. He got breakfast for everyone on Saturday morning, watched the girls do their new dance moves, and watched Spongebob with the boy. Saturday evening he watched G***** while F****, D***** and I went to the grocery, where I bought the stuff I needed for the potluck (the dish was his idea.) Sunday - he helped get the children ready for church, told the girls how pretty they looked and then praised the boy for being a big boy. He walked the girls around the block to play with their friend on another street. He goes to my parents at least one day a week to do chores for my aging father and asks nothing in return. And, he made a mistake the one day he went golfing. He has been alcohol free for nine days today. Yep, I vent in this blog -- but it's not all bad.

These things are not excuses, they are just answers, and as Paul Harvey would say, "the rest of the story." I will try in the future to post both the good and the bad. I tend to, when things are good - get complacent and not give credit where credit is due.

He is a good man, that needs help, he has low self-esteem. If any of you "anonymous" folks are personal acquaintances, then don't bash, berate, or demean -- be his friend. He needs GOOD people to be his friend. Because he is a good guy with bad ways. I am sorry I have not let you all get to know him.

If you are driving down the road and have a flat tire -- he would be the one to stop and help. If you were down and out -- he'd give you his last dime and the shirt off of his back. I have never heard him say a harsh or derogatory word about anyone, he is the most nonjudgmental person that I know. We could all learn from him.

Pot Luck

2007-10-07T16:08:00.000-04:00

This is what I took to the church potluck today. Meatloaf and oven baked parmesan potatoes. Yum Yum.

Consequences

2007-10-05T14:01:00.000-04:00

At some point in one's life, there has to be a realization that actions have consequences. Consequences when part of a family mean that no longer do you mess up your own plans, but you mess up or cause inconveniences for others.

As an enabler, codependent, wife, daughter, daughter-in-law of alcoholics and/or drug users, I have suffered the consequences of the actions of these addicts.

Today -- small in the scheme of things, but still disheartening, I fell victim to the consequences of someone not thinking about the consequences of his actions.

J**** smoked a joint with a friend playing golf. He had been doing well this week, and no alcohol. The so-called friend offered him a joint and J**** partook, not giving thought to the consequences.

Last night at work -- attention was given to his hands which are raw and red from wearing latex gloves and working with mineral spirits. They told him, you will need to go next week to the company doctor (we'll make the appointment) to get that looked at. Now, company policy is ANY time you are sent to company doctor - you will be subjected to a drug test. J**** will not be clean.

Also, J**** has become insurance happy since he became a full-time employee with benefits. Since June 26 he has racked up over $1,000 in copays and coinsurance payments for his shoulder pains.

Also, because he had a DUI over a year ago he has to have DUI counseling.

So -- because of his not thinking his life decisions out we will be out approximately $200 on Dr. visit for shoulder, prescription, counseling, some sort of cleansing solution to get rid of the THC in his body and a drug test to make certain it worked.

How did this adversely effect me? I really would like to have my hair done professionally. I haven't done anything nice for myself in at least four years. Hey -- we've got a little extra -- for $50 I will get a shampoo, cut, and highlight.

Well, not now. I am disappointed. I did not belittle him, but I did pull out the budget sheet and say okay -- tell me how much you need to cover all of this. He said, I know, I'm a piece of shit. No you are not a piece of shit and this self-pity belittling yourself has got to stop too.

Aaaarrrrggghhhh. Will they ever learn? Doubt it. Anyway -- my hair will still look like poop and be really gray. But, we will get him clean and hopefully he will pass the test and keep his job. Hair or job -- yep job is more important. Dang him.

Perfectly Aggravated

2007-09-24T14:49:00.000-04:00

He's drinking.

He don't care.

He treats me like I'm a stupid wench.

The time he spends with his children is only a time of severe frustration and aggravation for him. He has no patience with anything that they do... If any of us call his name, he responds, "WHAT!!!" That 14 year old teenage aggravated with your mom "WHAAAT!!"

If you ask him for help -- he huffs and stomps.

If I ask him for a kiss, he leans down and doesn't even pucker -- just touches my face with his.

He has no emotions towards me. We were actually alone after the kids went to bed and he never once advanced towards me.

His dad thinks there may be someone else. I don't care. I just want better.

I'm tired.

I'm lonely.

I need him.

I watched a video today produced by the agency where I work. The final phrase struck me -- but not about education, but about life. The last phrase was -- "The only thing you do perfectly is nothing."

Right now I am so frustrated -- and I do absolutely NOTHING about it. I ask him to change or to be a larger part of our family and he does absolutely NOTHING about it. We are PERFECT!!!

I see it -- I know the signs -- He wants out but is afraid to get out. He doesn't want to be a dad, a husband, or responsible for anything...

So we all just sit around doing nothing, being miserable. That's just Perfect.

Phew -- Some Good News!!!

2007-09-19T22:12:00.001-04:00

I took this online quizzy thing -- stole it from Sunshine and Kitten Farts.

At least I don't have to worry about this anymore. LOL

The Dante's Inferno Test has sent you to Purgatory!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Extreme
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	High
Level 2 (Lustful)	Low
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Moderate
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Low
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)	Moderate
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Moderate
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Very Low

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

Purgatory

You have escaped damnation and made it to Purgatory, a place where the dew of repentance washes off the stain of sin and girds the spirit with humility. Through contrition, confession, and satisfaction by works of righteousness, you must make your way up the mountain. As the sins are cleansed from your soul, you will be illuminated by the Sun of Divine Grace, and you will join other souls, smiling and happy, upon the summit of this mountain. Before long you will know the joys of Paradise as you ascend to the ethereal realm of Heaven.

Just making it --

2007-09-13T23:39:00.000-04:00

I was talking to a coworker the other day -- she is from India. She asked me how things are going? I told her my life is strange.

Hubby works third shift -- He gets home from work a few minutes after I leave. He wakes up a few minutes before I put the kids to bed. Then leaves a few minutes after that. His job has required a lot of overtime -- good for the finances -- bad for the family. So -- we are like two ships that bump in the night.

Father-in-law -- and I sit up at night and talk about our day, he and I keep the house picked up, the dishes done, and the laundry pseudo caught up. He helps with homework and chasing three young'ns around.

Strange -- father-in-law and I are like a team. Husband and I are like "booty call."

My co-worker said her household is very similar, except it is the mother-in-law and it seems that sometimes you look at life and say we are just making it. Making the bills, making things work, just getting by and getting along.

Sad but true.

Third shift is hard. He feels like he is missing out on a lot of things, and as the "needy" female comes out in me, I feel neglected. The kids miss him, but have learned how to be quiet and do without him.

Again, sad but necessary.
If he is awakened by us, well, let's just say he is not a morning person -- he wakes up grumpy. So he's like this ogre coming out of its cave. We had an episode tonight where Ms. F was very tired, whiny, and well being a little girl. He yelled, told her to stop being whiny, started mimicking her. "Shut that damn shit up!!" I being mom -- jumped in and told him to STOP. I'm sorry but I do believe that kind of stuff IS mental abuse.

Later when he got up, I made it a point in the little time that we had to explain little girls to him -- here is how my speech to him went.

J****, I am not putting you down, demeaning you in any way or telling you this to make you feel bad about yourself (he accuses me of putting guilt trips on him, and yes, there is a lot of truth to that, I am good at that.) Have you ever been a little girl? Well, I was. Little boys when they are tired and have had a bad day, they grab their Tonka dump truck and their red fire engine and they bang them together and wreck them, they throw their ball up against the house, they knock down blocks -- they deal with it physically. Little girls, deal with it emotionally. Little girls = "sugar and spice and everything nice." Little boys = "snips and snails and puppy dog tails." When I was a little girl and had one of these days where I needed to just cry and let it out -- I didn't want Mama, because sorry to say, little girls take stuff out on Mama. When we need comforting, we want the big, strong, safe arms, and the low, comforting voice of our Daddy. I asked him to remember this and that the next time this happens - instead of yelling at her and making her cry harder and longer. Just get out of bed -- walk into her room and hug her, tell her you love her, and that Daddy is here. I've seen him comfort her this way before (when not so grumpy) and I know it works.

Believe me, there are no better hugs than Daddy hugs. Mom hugs are nice, but for a little girl, there's just something about Daddy's hugs.

On the sobriety front -- we had a drunken day last Tuesday. It was uneventful, Papaw dealt with him and he went to bed.

Ms. G turned six yesterday. Little Man is potty trained, night and day, so NO MORE DIAPERS.

So as far as an update goes -- we're just making it, just getting along. But hey -- that' okay, because as the song goes. "This world is not my home, I'm just a passing through, my treasures are laid up somewhere beyond the blue..."

Good night and God bless.

90 Day Reprieve

2007-08-24T14:28:00.001-04:00

J**** was reprimanded at work last week for missing too much. He was placed on 90 day probation and told that he cannot miss any time during those 90 days.

His mother told me he made the comment that he had to stay sober for 90 days.

The only reason he has missed any work was for intoxication.

So, a 90 day reprieve in the drinking. Take it for what it is worth.

What can one accomplish in 90 days? Hmmm -- wasn't there a book? Around the world in 80 days - heck he's got 10 extra days to turn his world around.

A Toddler's Prayer

2007-08-22T13:28:00.000-04:00

God,
BIG!
Thank you,
Amen.

This was my 32 month old son's prayer last night. Sort of sums it all up.

Is Giving Up Letting Go?

2007-08-19T13:32:00.000-04:00

I am tired. I just want to give up. I spoke with J**** yesterday and from what he says, he isn't ready to stop.

He just wants to come home from work, drink 2 or 3 beers, relax, and go to bed. I said yes, that would be fine, BUT your personality doesn't allow you to do that. You have a tendency to drink ALL the beer you have in one setting, like tomorrow there will be no more beer.

I reminded him that we tried that once before (he didn't remember) and that things would be fine for a couple of weeks, then a day or two of binge hell, then a couple of weeks of okay, then the cycle kept going.

Even with just two or three beers he is still no fun to be around, he plays too rough, he is full of liquid courage and doesn't care who's feelings he hurts. It's like his filter for his tongue, gets turned off.

Oh well, he works third shift, we never see him anyway, and I just really don't care TODAY. Am I giving up or am I letting go?

I have too much other crap to worry about without worrying about what he wants to do. I have three babies and myself to worry about. As long as he stays asleep and out of our way, for TODAY, I don't give a rat's butt.

He'd just better stay out of my way, cuz I'm in single mom mode and ain't puttin' up with his crap.

Oh yeah -- and I guess the paying attention part - is just sex. Whoop-dee-doo.

One Reason is ATTENTION

2007-08-17T15:06:00.000-04:00

Guy over at Charming just Charming says that until the alcoholic understands the reason behind his drinking or why she drinks, they will not able to be sober just dry.

So -- I've been trying to listen to J**** to see what may trigger his cravings.

I think I figured out one of his reasons. He craves attention. He wants to be the center of attention. So when he stays sober for a while -- he gets lots of praise and he is the center of everyone's happiness. When he is sober he gets pats on the back. But after a while, the praise dies off and his sobriety becomes everyday for those around him and he no longer gets the daily accolades that come with new sobriety, then he is no longer the center of attention.

He then starts drinking again, and gets a different type of attention. Not a positive attention, but a negative attention: People yell, scream, cry, tiptoe, new acquaintances come out of the woodwork to drink or whatever with him. He is now the center of attention.

The other day when he thought he was a stuntman and jumped from the van he made the comment, "You don't pay any attention to me."

We don't pay enough attention to one another - actually. So, I guess I will go home tonight and ask him if we can make a date with each other or set aside a time to be with each other alone, to talk, fight, hold hands, or more.

Since his dad has been living with us, we have had no one on one time. If we go outside, kids and dad follow. If we go upstairs, kids follow. If we go to the bathroom -- someone follows. Heck, even the dog and the cats want to be in our laps. He has also been going into work two hours early and working an extra day on the weekend, thus causing our schedules to be difficult. We are like two ships that pass in the night. Don't get me wrong -- I love the fact that he is working the overtime to support his family. But, on the other hand, I really do miss him.

I listen to the Dave Ramsey show and he strongly iterates that husbands and wives MUST have dates. It could just be a walk in the park, a ride through the country, but something to have some downtime from everything else and to remember why they fell in love in the first place.

Since both of us are the babies in our families I think I will have a discussion tonight about paying attention to each other. Now -- if I could only find a sitter.

Cute

2007-08-14T22:47:00.001-04:00

Daughter # 2 brought this home from school on her second day. The best thing about school is...

"Go hom"

Got to love em...

What a Day...

2007-08-13T23:29:00.000-04:00

"I, (name) take thee, (name) to be my lawfully wedded (husband/wife), to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness or in health, to love and to cherish, 'til death do us part."

Today was for worse.

Got up at 6:00 a.m. - got girls off to school.

J**** came home around 7:30 a.m. told me he was going with T** and S******** from work to move a mattress and box springs -- they said that he owed him, because T** helped him move his Dad. Well, I knew right then and there, that there would be alcohol available. It sort of perturbed me because, here I am sick and he won't raise a finger to help me, but acts like a fiend to go and help these two strong looking people move a mattress and box springs. Heck, I could do that myself.

I have been sick with a sinus infection for about a week. Went to doctor at 9:00 am - took boy with me.

After doctor appointment I decide to take boy to get a haircut, talk to J**** on phone, he is at home now and is sounding loud. Says, "I want a haircut, too." I swing by the house and get him. He is beligerent. We go to barbershop and unbeknownst to me it is closed on Mondays. As we leave he says well let's go to next town and go to barbershop. I tell him I would rather not, too far, and doc says I need to rest. Okay, then lets go eat. I tell him I'll cook him a big breakfast and he can get some rest, because we all had eye doctor appointments later today and he needs sleep.

He blows up. "I'm tired of you bitching at me about my sleep. I work 6 days a week and go in early, I will sleep when I want too." I calmly tell him that the only thing I "bitch" about is that he decides to stay up all day and sleep when we are home and his children and I miss him. He gets angrier and says they don't miss him and "shut your fuckin' mouth or I'll shut it for you." He goes on to say he doesn't see himself hanging around much longer.

Boy is in the van with us.

We get close to the entrance to our subdivision and he says "let me out at the end of the road. " Well, all I can think is he's going to go and drink. I tell him, "No, I'll take you home, but I'm not letting you out because boy will cry." Which is a true statement. So he proceeds to open the door to the van and tells me to stop and let him out. Well, I'm not in a good place to stop, I begin to slow down and he jumps out of the van.

Oh my, now what do I do?

I look in rearview and he is sprawled in the middle of the road, glasses laying in road and hat flung across the road. He is motionless.

Oh my.

I turn the van around and pull up beside of him. People come into their front yards. I get out of van. He is knocked out cold and there is blood coming from his head.

Oh my.

I smack his cheek (gently actually) and he begins to open his eyes, I look at him and say "Why did you jump out? Why didn't you let me stop?" I pick him up (yep, I'm a stout ol' gal) and put him back in the van. By now boy has gotten out of his carseat and is up and screaming -- "Daddy jump, Daddy fall, Daddy bleed." I get J**** and boy back in van and go on home.

J**** staggers into house and up the stairs to bathroom, blood pouring from head, lots of road rash, and gets into shower. He changes clothes and I get his Dad out of bed to help me with him. Boy is running around hollering, "Daddy jump! Daddy bweed!" J****'s head is bleeding and has a very large knot.

We go to emergency room. He lies to emergency room people about what happened. They keep telling him he smells of alcohol.

I finally get home at 1:30 p.m. J**** is fine according to doctors and they prescribe him Lortab (a narcotic), just what he needs. (sarcasm)

I take a short nap until girls get off of bus -- boy has fallen asleep too.

I go through the girls' backpacks, my Mama picks up boy. Girls and I go to eye doctor, where I have my eyes dilated.

I get back to town, pick up medicine, pick up boy, get home at 7:00 p.m. Feed children, do homework, get J**** up at 8:00 p.m. to go to work.

J**** says he doesn't remember anything after getting into van at the barbershop. Blackout. He says he didn't drink and that it was a DT blackout. I say bullshit.

He leaves at 8:30 -- kids go to bed at 9:00 (too late).

Boy won't go to sleep until 10:30 -- asking about Daddy.

I finally get laundry done -- actually have one load to fold and dryer just stopped.

I had no rest. But my ears finally popped -- they were full of fluid from the sinus infection. It was quite a day.

My head hurts.

I Can't...

2007-08-10T14:54:00.001-04:00

Mama always told me that "can't never could, and can always did." I guess that is true in more than one way. She would say this after I attempted something and whined to her saying, but "Mama, I Can't!" My counselor took it a step further and said, to say I'll try is to Fail. Say "I CAN."In the past when asking my husband to work on his sobriety, he would never say, "I Can't." He has never said "I Can." However, he has said, "I'll try." To only try to live a life of sobriety is to fail. It is a middle of the road statement, that will allow you to fall back on that statement and say -- "well, I tried." It is very noncommittal. To try and fail, is not the same as I CAN.

But at this point the statement of "can't never could, and can always did," means something else in my mind. Another view of the statement.

If I say "I CAN'T" live like this is noncommittal on my part. To say "I WON'T" live like this, I will better my life, to say "I CAN" (which is an option) as the saying goes, I always did.

Sounds senseless and rambling I know -- but think about it -- it is a revelation that I just had. I CAN live with an alcoholic - means I can tolerate it and exist. I CAN'T live with an alcoholic - just means I can't handle it, but doesn't mean that I will escape this life. I WON'T live with it -- now that is a commitment. Right now -- I CAN'T. I need to work on I WON'T. I WON'T!

The drinking is getting worse. He is drunk today. His excuse for today is that he is in pain and that he is searching for something. I am tired of fighting, I just tell him I will help you if you want help. I will go with you to get help. I will not deal with his drinking unless he is ready.

Yes, he is working and providing monetarily for his family, but he is more or less absent from our life. Yes, he works third shift and I understand that is difficult, but if you stay awake and drink until 2 in the afternoon, pass out until time to go to work, then you have no life and your children no longer have you. Right now, his is a sad existence and he is of the mindset of I CAN'T.

When he is with the children he is a bully --yelling, taunting, ignoring. When drinking he is worst -- the boy 32 months old is holding the kitten and being a bit rough, J**** says to the boy, stop pulling the cat's hair, how would you like me to do that to you? He pulls the boy's hair. Okay, once not hard is acceptable, it shows the boy what it feels like. But -- over and over, aggravating him. Mama (me) pulls out her claws and lets J**** know real quick, he'd best be stopping or I'd yank every hair out of his head. Don't mess with my baby.

YES -- HE DID!!
NO -- I CAN'T!!
NO -- HE CAN'T!!
SOON -- I WON'T!!

because to TRY is no longer acceptable.

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire

2007-08-09T11:56:00.000-04:00

I despise lies. Why lie? You will get caught in the lie. Lying does not alleviate stress, it causes MORE stress. So why lie to me.

I know when he's been drinking -- so why lie to me about it? I know if he doesn't go to work -- so why lie to me about it?

After the lie -- I call him on the lie -- so the stress starts with the lie -- continues through the confrontation phase -- then the resentment -- the hurt -- everything.

JUST GET IT OVER WITH AND TELL THE TRUTH.

I know Al-anon teaches that you can't cure it, you didn't cause it, and you can't control it. But I'll be damned it I'm going to take lying as an acceptable mode of communications.

Why lie? Why can't you talk to me? Why do we have a problem communicating with each other?

I love him, I no longer trust him, he says he can't talk to me, he doesn't want to burden me with his problems.

Trigger this time = Meeting at work where all OTHER employees were scolded for slacking and he was pointed out as a great worker. So he gets all worked up about the other employees being angry at him.

So he drinks -- not a lot, but enough to, in his opinion, be unable to work. So no work - equals an incident at work. We cannot afford him to lose this job.

I bet he lied about his reason not to work to his supervisor. Oh the stories I could tell about the lies he told his supervisor. One involved his mother -- saying she had a stroke -- ummm use your brain -- your supervisor knows your mother.

Ephesians 4:25 (King James Version)

25Wherefore putting away lying, speak every man truth with his neighbour: for we are members one of another.

Oh well...

100 Years Ago Today

2007-07-29T22:40:00.000-04:00

On July 29, 1907 my Granny was born.

My mother worked when I was a young girl and Granny took care of me. She also took care of my sister and brother. We were all very close to her. I guess in keeping with tradition, I have been blessed with having my mother take care of my children, and I in turn hope to be able to repay both of them by caring for my grandchildren one day.

Granny was a great influence in our lives. Her house was a haven for me. Daddy was drinking bad after my sister and brother were on their own. I am nine years younger than brother and thirteen years younger than sister. I went to Granny and Popaw's house every day when Mama worked. I told Granny everything and I have let my children know that it is okay to tell their Granny anything that is on their mind. Because, a Granny is a great person to have.

She knew everything about what was going on in my life. She taught me to stand on my own two feet. She taught me to trust in God to get me through it. She taught me to pray and to sing praises to God. She taught me that church was important. She taught me my first hymn, "Wonderful Words of Life." She loved to hear me sing. She would get out the song book, open the windows and say sing to me. I would sing hymns to her and she would sit and listen.

She liked it that I am tall. She would measure me every month or so and would say you are 5'6" and 3/4". Don't forget that 3/4".

I confided everything in Granny -- about boys, about school, about friends, about my brother and sister, and my cousin. EVERYTHING. She would cook and I would sit beside the refrigerator on a stool and talk. Mostly she would just listen, but every now and then she would offer advice. I remember talking about boys when I was a teenager and she told me -- "Honey, don't get too worried about one boy, because you haven't even met the ONE yet."

Popaw told me she was beautiful. He first saw her when she was twelve years old, walking a rail fence. She had long black pigtails, and coal black eyes. He said he looked at the feller with him and said, "That's the gal I'm gonna marry one day." They married in 1924 and were married until she passed on June 8, 1989. They had four children of whom Granny could tell you the day, date, hour, minute of their birth BUT she would fuss that she didn't get to name any of her children, Popaw named them all.

This picture was taken when their oldest was away in WWII. Their younger son was in the service and went over seas too. Their daughters (Mama is the younger one here) married and all in all they had 11 grandchildren. Two by marriage, but they loved them as much as those born by blood.

Popaw said he got drunk once and Granny told him, you ever do this again and Me and the kids will be gone. He never drank again. He never understood the hold that the alcohol had over my father, but he loved my Daddy. Granny said, I pray for B** he's had a hard life. Never once did my Granny say a harsh word about my Daddy, and she wouldn't let me disrespect him either.

Granny called us every day. If they went to the store, she'd call and tell us where they were going. She was at church every time the door was open, but I laugh because on Wednesday nights she'd always fuss (she liked to fuss a little) that it just came too fast after Sunday. She kept these little notes beside the back door and whenever they left, she'd slip them into the screen and they would say "Gone to the store, be right back." "Gone to town." "Gone to church." She reused them. They were usually written on the back of an old envelope. My sister still has one of them.

Granny grew up in the depression. When she died we cleaned out the kitchen cabinets and found a drawer full of bread bags, bread ties, reused aluminum foil, etc. She was conservative. She used everything.

Popaw said to me one day when we visited her grave site that they NEVER had a fight. They NEVER went to bed angry at each other. I betcha Granny would disagree. She'd get so aggravated at him. She worried about what people would think -- he'd whistle through the grocery store and she'd say, "listen to him, people are gonna think he's crazy." When he quit farming he'd sit on a tobacco sack and pull weeds from his lawn, "look at him, the neighbors are gonna think he's crazy."

He chewed tobacco, but not in the house, and not around Granny. He'd take me on walks to town so he could chew his tobacco. One day we came home from a walk and had been having a big time. The stove sat in the middle of the floor, so you could walk around it. We both grabbed a pan and a spoon and began marching around the stove chanting..."Beans, Beans, the Musical Fruit, the more you eat the more you poot, the more you poot the better you feel, Beans, Beans, at every meal." Granny came stomping out of the bedroom with the phone receiver in her hand, the mouthpiece covered. You two be quiet, I'm on the phone with someone from church, Sister so and so is going to think ya'll are awful. Popaw and I spent the rest of the day on the back porch.

Granny taught me to embroider, crochet, quilt, make rugs, sew, cook, sign language, write, and read. Granny and I walked to town (about 1 1/2 miles) carrying a shoebox full of change and opened my first bank account with $66.00. Granny would get out the family Bible and show me the history, and we would go through old pictures over and over and she'd tell me about everyone of them. Granny had a sixth grade education.

Granny and Popaw moved to town when I was six or seven but I remember living on the farm. I remember walking through the fields to the neighbors house and seeing a snake, Granny said leave it alone, be still, it is one of God's creatures, let it be. I remember killing chickens, I remember, the garden, I remember the sweat peas growing up the side of the porch. I remember the cellar with all of the canned goods. I don't remember her story of saving my life when she was canning but she said I was a little over two and she thought, I'd better take her in the other room, that pressure cooker has been acting up. She took me out of the room and went back to canning, the pressure cooker exploded. I remember the back porch and her telling me about keeping my brother from being bored by giving him a fly swatter and telling him she'd give him a penny for every fly he killed. I remember oat meal cream pies, orange sherbert, I remember the layout of the old house.

I remember her teaching me to write on the walls of the stripping room (tobacco). I remember her teaching me to strip tobacco and letting me tie the tobacco up. I remember gathering turnips in the fall. It is amazing what all I remember from those young days.

I hate to say it so bluntly, but Granny raised me. Mama was busy dealing with other things. I was a child of the 60's and 70's raised by a woman of the twenties. I wouldn't have my life any other way.

I could go on for pages and pages about my Granny. But I will sum up that she was dearly loved by us all. When she was in the hospital these roses were in bloom in her back yard. Popaw would pick them every day and take them to her.

At her funeral people came from miles around to see this quiet unassuming woman. I heard the funeral director say that her funeral processional was one of the longest he had seen in our home town.

She was a good woman, she was strong, she was MY Granny. I miss her. I think she would be proud of me today. I know she would be proud of my babies. I try to remember the things that she taught me. Especially to pray and to always sing.

My brother and I both named our first daughter after Granny.

What's Up?

2007-07-27T13:42:00.000-04:00

I have really been out of it here lately. Just kind of letting things slip by -- guess I'm taking a mental break from it all. Everything has just come to an apex of business, stressfulness, costliness, that I just let it all happen.

Nothing bad -- just life.

Such as...

School starts back August 9 -- so there's the getting everything ready for that. I really don't recall my mom having to buy all of this crap for me to take to 1st and 2nd grade. Kleenex, Hand Sanitizer, Baby Wipes, scissors, glue. Crayons, pencils and paper -- yes. But the other stuff. Oh well. I still haven't gotten F tennis shoes. That is something I need to put on my priority list.

Working -- I have been trying to be a good employee. I took a little mental inventory and said, ya know if you don't work hard and work good then it is the same thing as stealing. So I'm trying to be productive and I actually worked an entire week last week. I know -- it's going to snow or hell is going to freeze over.

Father-in-law -- The father-in-law is still staying at our house. He got a job and is getting his pension. Having him here hasn't been bad at all. Just puts a crimp in the marital relations part. If you know what I mean. However, it seems that all of my leave time at work is used taking care of him, J or one of the kids. I need a day to myself.

Weight Watchers -- I can't afford it. But am still losing weight. J has been attending his DUI classes like he is supposed too. This is a good thing. But -- (always a but) -- it is costing us a lot of money.

Debt Snowball -- With having to have a new motor in our van to the tune of $2k that I am having to pay my mom/dad back on, I have had to put the snowball on hold for a bit. We think we can make it to the end of the year -- with Christmas, paying off parents, emergency fund, and two children's birthday, to be able to get back on the Snowball in January. Plus one of the creditors that I was kind of ignoring (I know shame on me) finally reared its ugly head. So that is back on the docket. HOWEVER -- WE WILL NOT USE CREDIT FOR ANYTHING ELSE.

Project -- The family went "junking" last weekend as the kids would call it and hit a lot of yardsales. We got 12 peachtree windows and one very nice entry door for $120.00. So our new project will be to enclose our back porch and make a sunroom, florida room, three seasons room, whatever that is called. It's going to be sooooo cool. The back porch already has a concrete floor, electricity, and a roof. We just need to frame it in, add windows, insulation, vinyl, and drywall and voila. One inexpensive room. I am searching Craigslist, more yardsales, and job sites for the other inexpensive materials.

Good Samaritan -- I have been trying to do, not necessarily random acts of kindness, but have at least been trying to brighten the days of folks that I know need a pick me up. I bought a lot of blank cards to send to people I know who are sick, sad, or have even had an accomplishment just to make them feel better or acknowledge them. I let the kids draw pictures in them and take a picture of us all doing something fun, print it out, and then put an easel on the back. They have these easels at the Dollar Tree that are really cool, ya just stick them on the back of the picture. The kids learn about helping others this way and it makes me smile to think that maybe someone else is smiling when they receive them.

On the Wagon -- So far so good. J has been staying on the wagon. He got a promotion at work and went from a Grade three to a Grade four. Yay!! more money. My raise should take effect on August 1. Whoo Hooo -- just enough to cover the increase in insurance premiums.

My niece -- I've been talking with her on the phone a lot lately and she's coming back into my life. I've always thought of her like a child of my own and definitely a good friend. I hate it that when things are bad, we tend to back away from our family, the one's that we should turn too. We do this out of a desire not to disappoint. But I could never be disappointed in her. Growing pains hurt -- even if you are an adult and everyone does stupid at one time or another. I'm proud of her progress.

My sister -- She has so much on her plate right now, new job, daughter and grandkids home with her. I miss her.

That's all for now. I promise I will get back into the regimen of self discovery and start talking about my religious beliefs and how they have affected me personally, socially, and intimately. About my hangups and all of that good stuff.

TTYL

For my Niece

2007-07-18T06:39:00.000-04:00

I Love You!

Last Week

2007-07-16T13:07:00.000-04:00

I know I haven't blogged for a while. Things have been hectic and I feel right now like I've always got someone watching over my shoulder.

I love my father-in-law, but he is lost right now and is interested in the "cool" things I do on the computer. Work has also been really hectic -- so, I'm taking the last few minutes of my lunch hour today to update the going's on in this never-ending drama.

Sound like my sister -- "Drama Queen anonymous" We should start a recovery group.

Father-in-law rented a UHaul and moved all of his stuff out of his apartment last week (Wednesday). Well, they didn't have a licensed driver, so I got to drive a 26 foot standard shift diesel UHaul. Yeah -- I'm bad!

Hubby decided to get a "friend" from work to help -- another non licensed drunk who brought his own supply of Bud Dry. Hubby decided hey -- its okay -- I'll embibe in some too. Dumbass. Well, a few made him grumpy, he was hot, tired from no sleep and he yelled at us all day -- hurry up, I need to work tonight. I need to get to bed. I, I, I, I, grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Yep, he yelled at his dad for taking 20 minutes to register for the storage building, but it took him 1 1/2 hours to get back from "friends" apartment. Yeah -- he was REALLY worried about getting home and getting to bed.

Can you read the dripping sarcasm between the lines?

So he slept it off and tried to go to work -- when he got there he reeked of alcohol and his supervisor sent him home "off the record." He didn't come home. He went to the pool room in the neighboring town, from there to the bar, where he met up with three hoodlums. Ended up in Louisville which is over an hour away at a "titty" bar where they would not admit him because he was too intoxicated and not dressed appropriately for their fine establishment.

Somehow he ended back home the next morning after I got to work. He had been beaten up and had lost his lunch pack containing identification information and other important "stuff." He was with the rumored to be town junkie. He, town junkie, and our dog (why, I don't know) took off walking and the next I heard from him was when I got a call from my mother.

Mother said he pulled into the drive in an old blue pickup truck with the dog. He had on no shoes and was DRUNK.

I leave work to pick up my van which was done at the repair shop and to receive the intoxicated spouse. I take spouse and dog home. Spouse has a black eye, a cut over eye, and is soaking wet from swimming the Kentucky River. I know, don't ask.

Now I have to figure out who this truck belongs too, is it stolen, where does it go, etc... I find out that truck belongs to junkie -- I track down where he lives and attempt to return the truck... BUT, it runs out of gas. I leave it parked in a lot in town. Take his keys and place them in his mailbox with a scathing note to simply stay away from my husband and my family.

Hubby doesn't go into work again on Thursday night. He is on probation at work.

Hubby is now charming, perfect, church going, great dad, king of all that is perfect and pure in this world. I'm still pissed.

So -- what about it...

He spent about 60 bucks on his excursion, lost his lunch box, lost his glasses (found by his sister), lost his shoes (retrieved from dock at the river), lost his shirt and hat (found at my parents), lost his id for work (10 bucks to get a new one), lost my parents respect for his accomplishments in recent months, will be placed back on probation, lost his vacation time for family reunion, lost my trust.

I hope it was worth it.

Okay so the river ordeal. Yep, sis, he went to see your ex-husband. Nuff said.

J

2007-07-09T08:50:00.002-04:00

This is J.
This is J in withdrawals.
This is J when he is worried.
This is J when he is irritated.
This is J when he has no patience.
I prefer J's sober and happy face.
J is an alcoholic -- I don't like him when he drinks.
I love J all of the time.
J is trying hard to stay sober but has only been dry.
J's likes Bud Light.

J has been prescribed Buspar.
Buspar makes J grouchy.
J has lots of issues that need to be dealt with...
J yells too much.
J looks sexy when he is in the swimming pool.

J stands for Joy, which he has given me.
J also stands for Jerk, which he is when he wakes up.
J stands for Jealous -- which he tends to be.
J loves me.

J is a caregiver and I am independent.
J's dad is living with us now.
J wants to take care of his dad.
J's dad is a dry alcoholic.
J has harbored bad feelings about his dad.
J and I are under a LOT of stress.
J is a worrier.
J needs to let go and have faith.
J stands for Jesus -- Who is someone he needs in his life.
J needs prayer.

J works really hard.
J is on probation at work -- more stress.
J is NOT a communicator.
J is a loner.
J is too proud to ask for help.
J needs real friends.
J needs to join AA.

J is loved.
J is a father, husband, brother, and a son.
J is worried about by those who love him.
J has a good mother.
J loves his kids a lot and is a pretty darn good dad.
J's children love him.
J is my husband and the father of our three children.
J is 30 years old.
I am actually very proud of J.

J is very charming.
J saved me and taught me how to LIVE life.
Gentle should start with J.
Animals love J.
J gets a lot of "flack" from folks.
J needs positive reinforcement.

J has a stubborn, independent, pushy wife on antidepressants.
J is growing up.
J's wife is 10 years his senior.
J is starting to be more responsible.
J is taking his DUI classes like he should.
J and his wife are bad with money.
J and his wife are on a budget.
J gives really great hugs.

J is my husband.
J and I are ONE.
J is my partner.
J is going to make it.
J has the potential.
J is intelligent.
J is J and I wouldn't have him any other way.

I love you J.

Topsy Turvy

2007-07-03T09:48:00.000-04:00

I think I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown on Wednesday of last week. My stomach was tearing me up so I called into work sick for that day. I finally last night finished a two-week plus period and things were just out of control. Oh yeah!!! J**** had been drunk earlier that week and well -- I'll tell you about that one later.

J**** came home from work Thursday and I was sitting on the back porch smoking a cigarette and shaking. I emailed work and asked to go ahead and take my vacation until the holiday was over. My boss said "Go for it." So I did.

So -- here is what I did on my summer vacation -- literally it sucked!!

Wednesday -- Nutty day!!! Sick, sick, sick to stomach. Layed on couch all day.

Thursday -- I called in and said to myself -- rejuvenate, accomplish, organize, and love my children who need some attention until the Fifth of July. So -- J**** immediately says, we have to go to Frankfort and take Dad to court. Huh? Me? I'm off for ME. Heavy sigh -- away we go. I go to grocery while they are in court, they get done and go over to a court appointed DUI program and sign up (progress, yay!) We go to the Dad's house -- NO FOOD, NO NOTHING. He comes home with us. Yep -- I guess he's here to stay. He is helping to clean the house.

Friday -- We clean house, J**** sleeps, my friend M***** is opening a new BBQ restaurant and we are invited to the premier night. We all go and take Dad. We are second in line at her restaurant and Dad has a seizure. He has been good and hasn't drank since Sunday. He also hasn't been to bed in almost 48 hours. I'd say a combination of the two and that he is prone to have seizures (we counted about seven in the last few years). We got our food to go and spent the evening in the E.R. The kids were standing beside him when he had the seizure. 2 year old kept saying all night long "Papaw Fall." Almost 6 year old cried and a good friend of mine from work and his wife took her to the side and prayed with her. Thank goodness for M&D they took care of my babies during the crisis. My 7 year old had to ask a million questions. I think it scared them pretty bad. We went to the hospital and the kids and I had a picnic in the back of the van while J**** tended to his father in the E.R. The kids wanted to see Papaw so J**** later took them back one at a time to see him. While we were having our picnic we got to see the Emergency helicopter take off. The kids thought that was neat. J**** came out and told us it would be another hour -- so we ran over to Wal-Mart and F**** got to use her birthday gift card and buy her a new dress. G***** got one too, and D***** got some big boy undies.

Saturday -- House cleaning. J**** sleeping after he gets home from work. J**** is a major grump. Papaw is a good help with cleaning, but I know that he is not feeling well. We grill out, J**** just keeps yelling at kids, there are comments about their whining and not listening. My GOD they just saw their Papaw have a seizure the night before, things are a little topsy turvy. J**** is triggered. Before I put the kids to bed, he says that he is going to the store to get a soda. I knew better so stayed in bed. He got drunk -- I slept. He was real sick the next day -- serves him right.

Sunday -- Church in the morning. My Daddy needed a new table saw and had been griping to go get one for a couple of days. I get home from church and call Daddy to tell him I'd take him to get it (he is 70). He's a mouthy old grump. We go to Sears and get him a table saw -- we actually had a nice time. I was shocked. I was dreading going with him, but it worked out. He talked a lot about missing his old friends that have passed on and especially missing his big brother. Bless his heart. We went to church in the evening and they had singing -- at the end, they asked for people who need help to "come forward." I raised my hand, since Ms. G***** was asleep in my lap and asked for everyone's prayers since J**** had started drinking again. Everyone wanted to know how to help. I said pray and take him under your wings.

Monday -- J**** has to work first shift. I'm home with kids and Dad. I finally get the upstairs clean -- our bedrooms have floors. WOW. If you had seen it before this you would understand what a major accomplishment this is. We take the kids to the library program and they have a blast. While in the library we run a few errands. Papaw applies for a few jobs, we get prescriptions filled -- I ask him if he has his prescription for Depakote so I can fill it for him. He didn't bring it -- I was going to pay for it. He's stubborn. J**** comes home from work and tells me (not ask me) that his dad wants to be moved out of his apartment by Wednesday. Now I'm pissed -- ummmm when were you going to tell me. I knew it was inevitable, but you should have told me sooner, or discussed with me, or something. My goodness. The rest of the night wasn't too bad, but I did retreat to my room upstairs to sulk. I explain to 7 year old that he has come to stay and she cried and said that now he is the boss. I say NO -- Daddy & Mommy are the bosses, he lives by our rules -- you only mind him when he is correcting you for doing something, but he is NOT the boss.

Tuesday -- that is today, it is a new day. J**** and his Dad have both renewed their vow to stay alcohol free. I've got my great niece staying the night tonight.

--I'll give my feelings, updates, etc... in a later post. No privacy right now. I need to scrub the toilets. Anyway -- this vacation has sucked.

Thank you Charming!!! I think he's going to take you up on that.

Stay tuned for the next exciting episode...

I Hate this Post...

2007-06-26T15:06:00.001-04:00

I was hoping I would never have to blog about this again.

He has started drinking again. I was understanding when he fell off the wagon 21 days ago -- but he is still drinking. Not everyday -- but at least once a week.

When he originally fell off the wagon after over two years of sobriety, it started like this. Once a week. He can't just drink one beer, he has to drink multiple beers. I do believe he is drunk today.

What am I going to do? I don't know. Here's my minds ramblings about the situation.

His mama says -- search everywhere and find his stash and pour it out. Well I don't have time for all of that and it in itself is an effort in futility - if he wants it that bad, he'll get it another way.
Threaten him -- remind him the divorce is still active and has never been dropped?
Sit him down and talk and tell him how I really feel -- while he avoids the subject, changes the topic, does something else...
Give up
Run away
Play little Ms. Mary Sunshine and say -- "Oh, it isn't that bad." and ignore it (Oh yeah, that's what my Mama would do.)
I'm inclined to tell him to leave and go live with his dad, drive his dad's car and take care of his dad until he can grow up and put us and God first in his life.

Okay -- Let's do this logically -- Here's an article on relapse:

Alcohol Relapse

Rates of Alcohol Relapse - My Angst In Red

Approximately 90% of individuals who had a problem with alcohol experience at least one relapse in the four years (4 years, hell it ain't even been one year) following treatment (What treatment?) (Polich, 1981). Similar relapse rates occur for recovering smokers and heroin addicts. This suggests that many addictive behaviors may share the same behavioral, biochemical, and cognitive components (Hunt, 1971).

Reasons for Alcohol Relapse

In a study done by Marlatt, GA; it was found that the shift from the first drink (following a period of abstinence) to excessive relapse drinking is dependent on an individual's reaction to that drink. The study found that a majority of relapses were triggered by three situations that the researchers deemed high risk: anger/frustration, temptation, and social pressure. (When he first started back -- I don't really know how any of these were factors -- our money situation was good, we were doing things together as a family -- I think the social pressure and the craving was getting to him.)

Preventing Alcohol Relapse

* Maintain stability - resist the urge to move, travel, assume a new job, or make any drastic life changes that could induce stress and drinking (NEW JOB? yeah he got a job but he never had a real job before this, now I fear he'll end up losing this one.)
* Join a support group (choose one that is a good fit for you) (He refuses)
* Have a daily reflection period (Nope)
* Take responsibility for you actions (Blames everyone else right now, his parents, me, the kids stressing him out, no sleep, his coworkers, you name it.)
* Take control of your life, don't procrastinate and let things slide -- PLEASE!!!

A Great site with some great insight -- WOW - RELAPSE SIGNS.

Relapse Signs and Symptoms - Things I've Noticed are Highlighted

Experiencing Post Acute Withdrawal: I start having problems with one or more of the following; thinking difficulties, emotional overreaction problems, sleep disturbances, memory difficulties, becoming accident prone, and/or starting to experience a serious sensitivity to stress.

Return To Denial: I stop telling others what I’m thinking/feeling and start trying to convince myself or others that everything is all right, when in fact it is not.

Avoidance And Defensive Behavior: I start avoiding people who will give me honest feedback and/or I start becoming irritable and angry with them.

Starting To Crisis Build: I start to notice that ordinary everyday problems become overwhelming and no matter how hard I try, I can’t solve my problems.

Feeling Immobilized (Stuck): I start believing that there is nowhere to turn and no way to solve my problems. I feel trapped and start to use magical thinking.

Becoming Depressed: I start feeling down-in-the dumps and have very low energy. I may even become so depressed that I start thinking of suicide.

Compulsive And/Or Impulsive Behaviors (Loss Of Control): I start using one or more of the following- food, sex, caffeine, nicotine, work, gambling, etc. often in an out of control fashion. And/or I may react without thinking of the consequences of my behavior on myself and others.

Urges And Cravings (Thinking About Drinking/Using): I begin to think that alcohol/drug use is the only way to feel better. I start thinking about justifications to drink/use and convince myself that using is the logical thing to do.

Chemical Loss Of Control (Drinking/Using): I find myself drinking/using again to solve my problems. I start to believe that “it’s all over ‘till I hit bottom, so I may as well enjoy this relapse while it’s good.” My problems continue to get worse.

Adapted from Terence T. Gorski's Warning Sign Identification Process
THE TEN MOST COMMON RELAPSE DANGERS

1. Being in the presence of drugs or alcohol, drug or alcohol users, or places where you used or bought chemicals.
2. Feelings we perceive as negative, particularly anger; also sadness, loneliness, guilt, fear, and anxiety.
3. Positive feelings that make you want to celebrate.
4. Boredom.
5. Getting high on any drug.
6. Physical pain.
7. Listening to war stories and just dwelling on getting high.
8. Suddenly having a lot of cash.
9. Using prescription drugs that can get you high even if you use them properly.
10. Believing that you no longer have to worry (complacent). That is, that you are no longer stimulated to crave drugs/alcohol by any of the above situations, or by anything else – and therefore maybe it’s safe for you to use occasionally.

RELAPSE ATTITUDES

SOBRIETY IS BORING
I’LL NEVER DRINK/USE AGAIN
I CAN DO IT MYSELF
I’M NOT AS BAD AS …..
I OWE THIS ONE TO ME
MY PROBLEMS CAN’T BE SOLVED
I WISH I WAS HAPPY
I DON’T CARE
IF NOBODY ELSE CARES, WHY SHOULD I?
THINGS HAVE CHANGED
I CAN SUBSTITUTE
THEY DON’T KNOW WHAT THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT
THERE’S GOT TO BE A BETTER WAY
I CAN’T CHANGE THE WAY I THINK
IF I MOVE, EVERYTHING WILL CHANGE
I LIKE MY OLD FRIENDS
I CAN DO THINGS DIFFERENTLY
NOBODY NEEDS TO KNOW HOW I FEEL
I’M DEPRESSED
I SEE THINGS MY WAY ONLY
I FEEL HOPELESS
I CAN HANDLE IT
IF I HIDE BEHIND EVERYONE ELSE’S PROBLEMS, I WON’T
HAVE TO FACE MY OWN
I CAN’T DO IT
WHY TRY

I really need to think this one over and sit him down and have a long long talk. I do love him. I'm disappointed in him, but... I'm going to ask him -- what's it going to be bud? Me or your bud?

What is this rash?

2007-06-24T09:58:00.000-04:00

Help me diagnose -- more rashy pics below...
She's almost 6, has had a low grade fever, this yucky rash, her eyes are itchy and says the light hurts her eyes, the rash does NOT itch, she does have sensitive skin, and in the past she has had roseola (but she was real young then).

Any ideas? We're going to doctor tomorrow if it doesn't go away. I have her quarantined from non-family children today.

How do you pray?

2007-06-24T00:24:00.000-04:00

As a child my parents taught me to pray --

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep,
If I should die before I wake,
I pray the Lord my soul to take.

God is great,
God is good,
Let us thank Him for our food.

The "grace" before our meal -- now that was fine, it made sense to me as a child, but the bedtime prayer -- I didn't understand the concept of soul, and I surely didn't want to die in my sleep.

So, I haven't taught my children to pray using nifty little poems. I have taught them to pray like they are talking to their daddy. To hear them telling God about their day, asking Him to help them, thanking Him for things they have, it makes my heart happy. I hope they will keep up this habit of a healthy prayer life.

I Thessalonians 5:17 says simply; "Pray without ceasing."

I have witnessed prayer work in my life. I have seen God's hand working in my life when I pray. But sometimes, I forget to pray and when I do -- since God gives us free will (a whole other topic) I believe he says -- okay, I guess she thinks she can handle this one on her own, let's see how she does. But like a prodigal daughter, I return to Him and pray for His help and amazingly enough things get better. I make better decisions, situations get better. I am constantly in awe of the effects of prayer.

What do you pray for?

I keep my prayers simple, ask for His guidance, His wisdom, and I reveal to Him my gratitude for all the wondrous things I have as blessings in my life.

I pray for:

Myself to be a good mom. For God to give me patience and understanding.
For my children to be healthy, strong, happy, and to live a life in service to Him. I also thank Him everyday for these three beautiful miracles he has given to me.
For my husband, for Him to give him temperance, patience, to continue in his sobriety. I thank Him for holding J****'s hand through this time of his life, for the progress that J**** has made. I also pray that J**** doesn't return to his old ways and I let the Lord know that I fear that he will return to his ways. He has been drinking on and off for a few weeks now. I ask God to give me wisdom in handling this and to give J**** strength.
I pray for my niece, for her happiness and her health. For her children and her family. I ask God to help her defeat this disease sarcoidosis.
I thank God for my job and understanding employers. I ask Him to help me to do my best everyday.
I pray for my brother and sister, to protect them, to be in their lives and to let me be a light in their life to return to God's fold.
I pray for my aging parents and thank God for giving me parents that love me to the extent that they do. I pray for their health and pray that my father will find happiness and closure to the things that have happened in his life.
I pray for my internet friends who through the anonymity of blogs and forums pour out their hearts to total strangers as I do looking for input and comfort.
I pray for the Church in the hopes that it will grow and thank Him for the opportunity to worship Him.
I thank him for all that He has given me. I am not rich, I am fed, clothed, sheltered, and have no needs.
I ask Him to give me wisdom, to be a good steward of the money that He has blessed me.
I ask Him for willpower to stay with my efforts to lose weight and be healthy.
I pray for the leaders of the land to be wise and for our soldiers to be safe and to come home soon.
When someone tells me of illness, hardship, etc... I try to remember them in my prayers and ask Him to help them.

I do not pray for:

things
money
quick fixes
revenge

Why pray?

Frankly, it works. In al-anon and AA you are taught to have a higher power. You need someone stronger than yourself to ask for help. You need faith to keep the worries away.

The other day J**** did not sleep all day. (I believe he had been drinking too.) He said he was worried about me driving a van that had a bad motor, he was worried about his kids riding in that van, he was worried about how we were going to pay for a new motor. He's worried about his dad with no job, no transportation, a fixed income living alone in another town. He's worried about his sister, recently divorced and being harassed by her ex. He was worried about his mother on vacation who promised to call when she got to her destination but hadn't called yet. He was worried about a meeting they had at work. I told him go to bed, say a long prayer and ask God to take your burdens from you and let you sleep. I mentioned it to my mother she said the same thing. "Tell him to go to bed and pray."

Prayer will calm you.

A Mother's Prayer

I need your help today.
I want to care
for those you've sent into my life,
to help them develop the special gifts
you've given them.

But I also want to free them
to follow their own paths
and to bring their loving wisdom
to the world.

Help me
to embrace them without clutching,
to support them without suffocating,
to correct them without crushing.

And help me
to live joyfully and playfully, myself,
so they can see your life in me
and find their way to you.
Amen.

Murphy Knocked - but No Answer Here

2007-06-18T23:43:00.000-04:00

Bwah hah hah!!! Gotcha Murphy.

A minor setback has occurred with my debt snowball, but never fear -- it will get rolling again.

The repairs to the van will use up the emergency fund -- buy hey!! that is what the emergency fund is for. I am so proud of this because I don't have to ask Mama and Daddy to pay for this for me.

So here's the new plan.

BS1 -- Replenish the Emergency Fund of $1,000 -- goal 8/15.

I could do this quicker -- but school clothes/supplies will need to be purchased prior to August 1.

BS2 -- Debt Snowball -- on hold.
Hold off on snowball for another expenditure that I do not want to charge -- because credit is a major no no. The van needs new tires -- I think I can do this by September 1 -- along with giving Daughter #2 a great birthday like her sister and going to Michigan for the family reunion.

Snowball will resume 9/15

Here's our new monthly budget:

	Out	In
Her Pay		$2,916.00
His Pay		$1,600.00


Car Payment	$ 347.13
Utility: Gas	$ 60.00
Utility: Electricity	$ 50.00
Utility: Water	$ 30.00
Cell Phone	$ 70.00
Utility: Cable/Internet	$ 80.00
Bank Loan	$ 167.75
Student Loan	$ 50.00
Student Loan	$ 67.00
Auto Insurance/Tax	$ 60.00
Utility: Phone	$ 30.20
Weight Watchers	$ 39.95
Mortgage	$ 1,005.86
Unsecured Loan	$ 145.01
TMMO Subscription	$ 8.95
School Lunches	$ 60.00
Dance Class	$ 135.00
CC1	$ 15.00
CC2	$ 15.00
CC3	$ 43.00
Grocery	$ 440.00
Gas	$ 200.00
Church	$ 80.00
Tobacco habits	$ 150.00
His Spending	$ 200.00
Her Spending	$ 200.00
Sinking Funds	$ 200.00
Snowball	$ 566.15

	$ 3,959.85	$4,516.00
	$ 4,516.00	$4,516.00
Based on a four week month.

I know it is not as "Gazelle Intense" as some would have it -- but we are comfortable with this and it allows my extroverted, social personality type husband to be satisfied. Also, as Dave would say -- this is PERSONAL finance.

It is Hard to Stay Out of IT...

2007-06-16T01:00:00.000-04:00

In or family it is hard to stay out of each others' business. Yes, you can say we are meddlesome folks. Why? Not because we are nosy, but because we care.

We were taught that friends come and go, I've found out husbands come and go, but your Mother, Father, Sister, Brother, Children (Relatives all) are there for the long haul.

From the outside looking in I see an individual who is striving to be independent and strong, but it is hard. I see an amazing woman taking on the burdens of father, mother, grandmother, friend, and supporter. Yet, I know she must feel alone. Who can she turn to? Her family, but they are so meddlesome. Mama asks so many questions - I've told her to stop asking so many questions, we will tell her if she just listens. Daddy is condescending and he tends to make you feel small with his snide remarks. Who can she confide in? I tend to give advice that I know she nor I am capable of manifesting. How can you be so harsh to those you love? Tough love as they call it may be tough on those on the receiving end, but the one dishing it out, because of love, feels the deepest of pain in doing so.

We are a nonconfrontational bunch. We hold it in until we just want to burst. We rehearse it over and over in our heads, our stomach ties up into knots. We want to be everything to everybody and put ourselves last. To put ourselves first is hard. When we are finally at our wits end, we have our conversation, unsteady at first until we make our point. This is why we write letters to those we love and we blog, because we can eloquently say what is in our hearts when we write. When our feelings are told we are often met with grief, with yelling, screaming, stomping, and other childlike behaviors. All we wanted is for someone to say, we will do better, we will try harder, we will think about you too, like you have thought about us. We will love you, respect you, and consider your point of view and feelings.

Every parent's hope in life is that they teach their children to stand on their own two feet, to prosper in this life, to make a good life for themselves, choose a partner that will reciprocate the love that we have taught them to give. But in the end when it doesn't happen that way, we feel that we have gone wrong at some point, even though our spouses also had a part in teaching our children by their unsuitable examples.

We hope that we have instilled in our children to look at life's pitfalls as opportunities and not to wallow in self-pity or to give up. Our mother used to say when people called us hard-headed or stubborn, that no, they are not! They are determined. Determination to overcome what life throws in our path has been our strength and will keep being our forte.

We have been instilled with a pride about us from our father. I CAN do it myself. I WILL do it my way. I KNOW what is best. I WILL not take your charity. We rarely ask for help, we take the burdens upon ourselves until we are sick and tired. We see this in our children. We take on the world.

So how can we continue on this path of self-destruction? This path of bearing the burdens of everyone we know. How? Why do we not break? My acquaintances say that you are the most patient woman I know, they comment that "Wow, you handle pressure well, I would have cried, I would not have been able to handle it." How did we get through it? Here's how.

If you would like to hear this song go click here.
Press Ctrl+F and type in Be with Me Lord.
Click the play icon then
Listen and feel comforted.

Bragging

2007-06-15T01:23:00.000-04:00

http://www.flickr.com/photos/3xblessed/

Go check out the recital pictures.

Yippee -- My Mechanic Loves Me

2007-06-13T15:55:00.000-04:00

It's not going to be as bad as I thought that it would be. All I need after he actually got to tear into the motor is the following:

New main bearings - The main bearings go between the crank and the engine block. These are made of a softer metal so that you don't wear out your crank or engine block.
New rod bearings -The connecting rod bearings are metal inserts that go between the crank and the connecting rod.
New oil pump - An oil pump is a pump designed to supply pressurised oil to a closed system.

$700 ( parts, labor, and towbill) and I get my van back tomorrow.

I prayed hard, real hard -- I know this sounds so Pentecostal -- but God answered my prayers. That's a better number than the $2600 quoted before.

Thank you.

Thar She Blows...

2007-06-10T19:20:00.000-04:00

Headed out yesterday morning for a family outing. J****'s workplace was having a picnic at the Kentucky Kingdom. The kids were extremely excited, it was all they talked about all week long. We stopped and got McDonalds breakfast for the kids, went to K-Mart for J**** some swim trunks, got a pack of cigs and head up I-64 for Louisville. Free tickets, free food, full tank of gas, haven't forgotten anything, fresh oil change yesterday. We are living life happy and good.

Yeah, sure.

29 miles to go -- wooo hoooo. Ticka, ticka, tacka, tack. What the hell is that? Give it a little gas -- louder ticka, ticka, tacka, tack, ticka, ticka, tacka, tack, ticka, ticka, tacka, tack, ticka, ticka, tacka, tack. Turn off the radio, turn off the AC...ticka, ticka, tacka, tack, ticka, ticka, tacka, tack, ticka, ticka, tacka, tack, ticka, ticka, tacka, tack, ticka, ticka, tacka, tack, ticka, ticka, tacka, tack, ticka, ticka, tacka, tack, ticka, ticka, tacka, tack. That doesn't sound good. Now what?

Hurstbourne Lane -- let's pull off at a gas station and check the oil. At end of exit --- ticka, ticka the van dies. I start her back up and pull into the BP. J**** gets out and opens the hood. No smoke, no engine light, no oil light, oil is fine, everything looks good. I turn her back on ticka, ticka, tacka, tack. Kids are freaking out and get out of van and stand on sidewalk -- Daddy says "Turn it off I think the engine is about to blow up." Ummmm, don't say blow up in front of a seven and five year old. They run!!! They run to the other end of the sidewalk screaming and jumping, Mommy- Daddy it's going to blow up. The boy is running after them -- it looks fun, hey why not.

Long story short -- we take a cab to Kentucky Kingdom, the van is towed to our mechanic (that's going to be one heck of a tow bill), and my best friend S**** comes to Louisville to pick us up and take us back home.

We had a good time, but boy oh boy -- I am not looking forward to hearing how much this is going to cost. Thank goodness that we have been following the advice of Dave Ramsey and have an emergency fund.

Stay tuned for tomorrow's episode -- what happened to the van? How much will it cost? Will Nay lose her mind?

J**** says it is a valve.
Paw says it is an oil pump.
Daddy says it is a rod.

I say that Valvoline Instant Oil Change did something to screw it up -- it was running fine before I had the oil changed on Friday.

We'll see.

Dedication

2007-06-07T08:26:00.000-04:00

I was listening to the radio this morning. It made me think of those I love so dearly that are having a real hard time right now. This is for you husband, Sis, Niece, Mama-in-law and her baby girl.

I am here.

(FYI: This is a video created by a fan, but it is the only place I could find the song. The words are what is important.)

Fall by Clay Walker

Hold up there you go again
Putting on that smile again
Even though I know you’ve had a bad day
Doing this and doing that
Always putting yourself last
A whole lot of give and not enough take

But you can only be strong so long before you break…

So fall go on and fall apart
Fall into these arms of mine
I'll catch you every time you fall
Go on and lose it all
Every doubt every fear every worry every tear
I'm right here
Baby fall

Forget about the world tonight
All that’s wrong and all that’s right
Lay your head on my shoulder let it fade away
And if you wanna let go baby it's okay

Fall go on and fall apart
Fall into these arms of mine
I'll catch you every time you fall
Go on and lose it all
Every doubt, every fear, every worry, every tear
I'm right here
Baby fall

Hold on hold on hold on to me...

Fall go on and fall apart
Fall into these arms of mine
I'll catch you every time you fall
Go on and lose it all
Every doubt, every fear, every worry, every tear
I'm right here
Baby fall

Remember -- I've got some wide shoulders.

Love,
Nay

Update, Dammit

2007-06-05T09:04:00.000-04:00

So here's what happened...

He got mad at work, his feelings were hurt, he was frustrated. He came home mowed the yard, got hot and had nothing but water and milk in the house to drink.

Along comes ol' buddy B.S. (love the initials?) B.S. just happened to be in town and had a 12 pack of ice cold Bud Light. Picture Homer Simpson now, mmmmmmmmmmmm beer. J**** drank four beers.

He ran out of cigarettes, walked to Drunken Neighbor's house and bummed a pack off of him. No drinking with Drunken Neighbor.

My reaction to him -- I didn't bitch, I didn't yell. I said -- okay, you made a mistake, now learn from it. Tomorrow is a new day and the ONLY day one you will have. Move on.

Him today:

very disappointed in himself and he swears that this is the first time;
very sorry for the hurt he caused me, his Mama, and our kids for our disappointment;
realizes he screwed up because he was unable to get sober enough to go to work -- his first day missed since he started the job;
his head hurts really bad;
his tummy hurts;
his body hurts;
and he had beer dick last night -- sometimes you have to make them perform so you can remind them that with beer dick, you can't perform.

The Trigger

Frustration, not having the tools to deal with it, being hot and thinking "damn" that cold beer looks and would taste good. B.S. friend even told him -- man you've done good so far you're a dumbass if you drink this. Well, B.S. if you are that much of a friend, maybe you should have left your beer in the car. Momentary lapse in judgment.

Daughter #1 response

We come home and F**** is the first one in the house. Big brown eyes come running back to the front door. Quietly and grabs my hand and leads me to kitchen. On the counter is the empty 12 pack box. "Beer" She hugs me around the waist. "I know honey."
She goes into survival mode -- shhhhh Sissy, shhhh Bubby be quiet, don't wake Daddy he's been drinking.
Getting ready for bed she said, "Mommy, you said next time you would divorce Daddy." I explained to her that Daddy has done good for 6 months. He made a mistake, if he keeps making the mistake and doesn't get back on track -- then he can't stay. But we all make mistakes, we all forget. Even Mommy makes mistakes and started smoking again. But yes, if Daddy keeps drinking and doesn't learn from today's mistake, he will have to leave.
At bedtime, we are laying there "I can't sleep Mommy, I am scared." "Don't be scared, I am here." "But Mommy, I AM scared." "I know baby, I am scared too. All we can do is pray and ask God to help Daddy be strong and help us be okay." We talked, she wasn't "scared" of Daddy, she was scared that the drinking had come back to stay.

Daughter #2 "Super Sleuth"

Flippant child, no cares in the world. Holds it in like the typical middle child. But, runs outside and immediately starts searching. Runs into house with bottle in hand, "Mommy, found the beer bottles. All of them are empty." She then proceeds to search all of his known hiding spots and declares that all is well -- reporting that there appears to be no more beer on the premises. She tickles me.

The SON

He sees the beer bottle and says in his precious lilting voice, "Daddy?"

For those of you who have or have had an alcohol problem. These children are ages 7, 5, and 2. Don't ever think that they are too young to be effected. The seven year old is too adult and attune to alcoholism and shouldn't be. The five year old is too obsessed with taking it in. The two year old knows what it is -- even after 6 months. Stop and think, it's not all you.

His Mama

She's disappointed, she understands, she's amazed he made it this long, her feelings are hurt, she admits that she feels to blame. This is a huge confession on her part. She says she feels guilty for the way he grew up and feels that she should have kept him safer from the influence. She said she prays that I never have to see one of my children have a problem with addictions. Folks this is major.

My Sister

She hadn't read my blog yet, I told her and she said "Dammit." We are too much alike. She was disappointed and had been so proud of him. She is still proud of him, if he realizes and moves on.

We all love you J****, we are all there for you, never think you have to go through daily frustrations alone -- we are here. Don't lean on the bottle, lean on us. You've proved that you can do it -- just get up, brush it off, and keep on tugging.

Dammit

2007-06-04T14:04:00.000-04:00

I suspect that he has fallen off of the wagon. I called him today and he sounds tore up. He says that it hurts him so bad that I am accusing him of being drunk. But, when you have lived with someone for so many years, you know how it sounds when they have been drinking. The slur, the annoying smartass way they talk. He says he is just really tired and that he has taken a Tylenol PM.

But here's some things that have been bothering me. I so hope that I am wrong, but I am a realist and I am not going to sugarcoat or fool myself.

Incident 1:

He leaves to get a haircut on a Saturday, May 26 and doesn't return for four hours. The barbershop he said was incredibly full and the wait was terrible. He says he saw a guy he worked with at a previous job painting lines in the parking lot at a jobsite next to the barbershop and helped him move the handicap template to the next lot, then went in to get his haircut. I also know that the pool room is across the road from the barbershop. He came home chewing gum and smelled faintly of alcohol.

Incident 2:

Saturday, June 2 he had to work overtime from Friday night to Saturday morning but was 1 1/2 hours late getting home. I paced the floors, he didn't take his cell phone and didn't give me a courtesy call. I asked him what was going on when he came home and he said that the supervisor was so pleased with their work he took them to breakfast at the Waffle House and that his mama had always told him not to be a fool and turn down free food. He told me he had his usual the pork chop breakfast.

Incident 3:

Today.

He gets off of work at 7:00 a.m. he works less than 10 minutes from the house and doesn't get home until 8:00 a.m. He says that they had to work over for a few minutes.
I get in the van and see his receipt from the night before and he had withdrawn an extra $30. We are working on getting our budget straight, so I call and say -- Hey, what's with the $30. He says he gave $15 on a baby shower gift card that they were taking up for at work and spent the rest in the machines at work. He had $2.00 left. First -- $15 is a lot to give for an office gift and $12 is a lot to spend in the machines, especially when the wife has packed you a huge supper of meatloaf and green beans (two of his favorites).
While talking to him about the money -- I ask what he is doing -- he says mowing the yard and he is taking a break. I need to hang up - so I call him back about 5 minutes later and I hear the mower, he answers the phone. I think that drunken neighbor (remember him) is probably mowing the yard and J**** has paid him with the money he got. I ask him how can you hear the phone, answer and sound so clear and mow the yard all at the same time. I hear him go silent then I hear the mower shut off. He says, I'm just good that way. His speech is beginning to sound thicker and he is getting really smart alec.
J**** calls me and tells me to call this number that keeps calling the house and tell them to stop. I say what number, he says some government number. Then he starts bitching about being out of cigarettes. I asked him why he didn't buy them with the money he had last night? Now he sounds really fucked up. I ask him "have you been drinking?" "NO, I have not been drinking, how could you ask me that knowing how hard I have been working on not drinking?" I explained that he sounded like he did when he was drunk and hearing him sound that way makes my stomach tie up in knots and I begin the fight or flight adrenaline rush and all I want to do is protect myself. "No, no, no (whiney making fun of me voice) I'm not drinkin."
I call the number that has been calling the house. It was the Federal Marshall's office in Lexington. I'm like, "What the hell?" After talking to them I figure out it is a woman from my daughter's dance class that has called. I spoke to her and she said that she was returning a call that had come to her cell phone. Oh, I see -- the dork has been calling numbers on the home caller id because he doesn't know them. She had called our house a couple of weeks ago to R.S.V.P. to the birthday party.
I call J**** back -- man he sounds rough. I explain and he says, "Oh, that makes sense. I need a fuckin' cigarette, I don't have any cigarettes, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah."
His mom calls him while we are on the phone and he hangs up to talk to her.
She calls me and says -- "He sounds like he's been drinking, he's fucked up, if he hasn't been drinking then he has taken something."

Now let me ask -- I'm the man's wife, she's the man's mama. Do you think that both of us could be wrong? Doubtful.

J**** you are a dumbass if you are drinking. You will lose it all this time. I won't have to worry about you not being able to take care of yourself. Now here it is in black and white (or purple and green as this blog would have it.) If you are drinking -- tomorrow is day 1. There will be no more day 1's after tomorrow. You and I will talk - because buddy I am better than that.

FYI -- today would have been day 173, Saturday would have been day 171, haircut Saturday would have been day 164. My question to him is how long were you sober? How long will you be sober starting tomorrow? Cause if you want me, it is a life sentence of sobriety.

By the way -- I lost my debit card today a new one will be mailed within 7 to 10 days.

Entitlement Complex

2007-05-30T23:12:00.000-04:00

I used to have an entitlement complex. Hey -- I AM the baby of the family. Growing up, I got most everything that I wanted. When I moved out, if I needed money, Mama and Daddy were there, no questions asked. I had credit cards, I paid time on vehicles, a house, you name it. I got loans from high interest companies, I filed bankruptcy. I have been there.

The American Society breeds the entitlement complex. Every generation says, "I want my children to have better than I did." This is a noble statement, but it is also a misguided statement in many ways.

Mama and Daddy are always there for me -- they take care of my children (for free). If my car is in the shop, they give up theirs for me to use. They sacrifice themselves for me a 40 year old adult woman. But, I do NOT take it for granted, I do my best NOT to impose, I pay for their cell phone, I do for them also.

To have better than I did usually refers to things, toys, privileges, money, houses, status. But, it should mean to have a better understanding of life, to have a knowledge of how to manage themselves in society, to balance a checkbook, to have responsibilities, to teach them to grow up. I find it a whole lot easier with my three to give them things than to give them the moral ideals needed to accept responsibility. It is a daily effort.

My grandfather raised four children through the depression. He worked for less than $1.00 a day. His children love his memory dearly. He woke before the sun rose, he literally slaved until sundown. He did not use the excuse of I can't because I need to spend a lot of time with my children in the evenings. He instilled a better life in their minds, they learned his work ethic.

My Daddy has always worked, he worked for years and years in a factory that he hated. But, even though he hated it he knew his responsibility was to his family, his wife and his children to provide for them. We never went hungry, we never were cold or left in the dark. My father would get up early and feed animals, do chores before leaving for work. When he got home he worked he gardened, he mowed, he fixed the vehicles. Yes, he was an alcoholic but no substance abuse EVER caused us to do without.

Our mother worked hard too, she worked, she got up early straightened up the house, and when we got home she cooked us a meal, cleaned the kitchen, helped us with our homework. They gave us what their parents didn't give them in the way of physical things. We now start to see the entitlement complex starting in society.

I am a generation older than my husband. My sister is a generation older than I. My sister is ashamed to ask Mama and Daddy for help. She feels guilty when she borrows and works hard to repay her debts. I ask for help as a last resort to the point of overextending myself on credit. Sis and I get up every morning, many times in pain, and go to work yet in my case -- I don't spend a penny on ME. She until recently did NOT put herself first. But my husbands generation -- says, Mine, ME, ME, ME, ME. He works hard NOW, but it took him until the age of 30 to hold a steady job. He gets a raise and comments -- well you budgeted on my old salary, so I get the rest? NO.

As parents, adults, a family -- the money doesn't belong to the individual, it belongs to the family. As Dave Ramsey says, "You take care of the four walls first." This is the house, the utilities, the food, the necessities. As adults we don't expect others to take care of us. But, I have seen the entitled generation do so many things that are ungodly and immoral when it comes to money management and entitlement. "Sticking it to the man."

I worked at a University and students would ask how much extra financial aid can I get, I want to buy a car. The government would pay for their child care. They would play the game.
I paid full price for duplex rent, the girl next door was on Section 8 and her boyfriend lived with her making twice as much money as I. They were proud of their "beating the system."
I know people who get on disability and still work jobs on the side, people who cheat the taxpayers.
My husband works with a guy who buys people's food stamp money for .50 cents on the dollar. I spend $400 a month for a family of five on groceries and here are people cheating the government. My kids eat hotdogs and bologna, I make $50k a year and the abusers of the system eat steaks.
A friend of my husband (before the bankruptcy law changed) made the comment that he was going to get all of the credit cards that he could and run them up...then just file bankruptcy on them. Smart huh? NO.
My husband used to only want to work for cash, to avoid a 1099, he didn't want to give any of the money to the government, he wanted it ALL.
My husband has another friend that is an alcoholic, he has two children and another on the way, he lives with his mom and dad. He can't hold a job. He expects his parents to bail him out. He expects his mom to change her schedule to watch his kids. He expects them to cater to his needs and to heck with his parents needs.

All of these are classic examples of an entitlement complex. I think it is classically called a narcissistic personality. That in itself is a whole other post.

To our youth -- we must remember to teach them and they must remember the following:

The government owes us NOTHING. Our parents owe us NOTHING. But we OWE it to ourselves and our ancestors legacy, we OWE it to our children to stand on our own feet, to be accountable for our own actions, to grow up, and we OWE it to our Lord who expects us to be wise stewards of those talents that he has given to us. It is time to stop feeling as though you are entitled and to take care of your responsibilities.

In other words -- you got yourself in this mess -- now get yourself out of it.

Explanations

2007-05-22T23:59:00.000-04:00

Kids not only say the darndest things, but they also ask the darndest things.

Last week -- these are the some of the things
that I had to explain.

Explanation #1

DD1 "Mommy what is the worst word that you can say?" (7 years old)
Me "Hate. You should never ever say that you hate someone."
DD2 "Mommy I thought it was the F word." (5 years old)
Me "Yes, that is a very bad word but hate and anything taking God's name in vain is worst."
DD1 "What is the F word?"
DD2 "Fuck"
DD1 "Ohhh -- so hate is worst than fuck."
DD2 "Mommy, what does fuck mean."
Me "Now girls stop saying the word fuck. It is a word that is used when you are talking about something a man and woman do. It is an adult word and it is very bad manners to use the word and makes a lot of people feel uneasy when they hear it. So we shouldn't use it."
DD2 "But it's not as bad as hate?"
Me "Hate is a very mean word."
------
Explanation #2

DD2 "Mommy, Daddy is the S word a bad word?"
Dad "Yes, shit is a bad word."
DD2 "No Daddy not shit, the other S word."
Me Thinking hard, "What other S word?"
DD2 Quietly, "Stupid"
Dad "No."
Me "No but it is not a nice word when you say it and are talking about another person."
DD2 "Oh, OK F**** said the word stupid."
Dad "Tattletale."
------
Explanation #3

Preface: We attended the Gospel Meeting at church (revival). The preacher made the statement that we are not to love this world or the things in it. The seven year old was listening. When putting her to bed this is how it went:

DD1 "Mommy, why aren't we to love the world? What did he mean? I thought we were supposed to love everyone."
Me "He didn't mean that we aren't to love the people of the world."
DD1 "But he said..."
Me "Let me see... hmmmm. Okay -- you like to go to your friends' house but you always come home. You love being home. Well, we are to want to go to heaven and not love this world so much that we like it more than wanting to go to heaven."
DD1 "Mommy, in school they teach us to love the world and to reduce, reuse, and recycle."
Me "God made the world, it is our job to take care of it. We take care of it because we love God, but the preacher was talking about loving what are called "worldly" things, things that God doesn't like us doing, like stealing or lying."
DD1 "Well I love this world and the people."
Me "I am proud of you, but you love God more and want to please God, right?"
DD1 "uh-huh"
DD2 "Mommy, I love you as much as God."
Me "Thank you. Now let's go to sleep."

I told the preacher about it and he snickered and said oops sorry, but glad that I understood what he was saying and let her know that he was proud of her for listening.

Excuse This House

Author: Unknown

Some houses try to hide the fact
That children shelter there,
Ours boasts it quite openly,
The signs are everywhere.

For smears are on the windows,
Little smudges are on the doors
I should apologize, I guess
For toys strew on the floor.

But I sat down with my child
And we played and laughed and read
And if the doorbell doesn’t shine,
His eyes will shine instead.

For when at times I’m forced to choose
The one job or the other,
I’d like to cook and clean and scrub,
But first I’ll be a mother.

News and Views

2007-05-21T23:35:00.001-04:00

My TMMO Progress

Confession time: I blew it on F****'s birthday party. Spent way too much money and robbed the emergency fund. I can rebuild it by the end of June if all goes well and still pay the next snowball.

Good news though: Another snowball thrown -- Here's the progress so far. A new snowball sneaked in -- I forgot all about a Student Loan at a private college. Hopefully I will be able to negotiate them down.

Doin' the Crawl -Arrears Caught Up - DONE - $1,761.86 - 2/9/2007
Baby Step 1 - Replenishing -- to be done by 6/30/2007
Baby Step 2 - 11 SNOWBALLS left to throw
Snowball 1 - $413.00 - Thrown 2/16/07 - Legal Fees
Snowball 2 - $167.04 - Thrown 2/23/07 - Medical Bills
Snowball 3 - $242.73 - Thrown 3/15/07 - CapOne - CC1
Snowball 4 - $300.00 - Thrown 4/12/07 - Pinnacle Finance (negotiated down from $533)
Snowball 5 - $300.00 - Thrown 5/21/07 - Father in Law loan paid back

The next one is another Capital One Credit Card -- balance is now $262.36 to be paid 6/15/2006 which will eliminate another monthly payment. Those $15.00 minimum payments add up and add back in when paid off. Every little bit helps.

We are learning to look at what we spend and to manage our money instead of it managing to get us into trouble. We have a weekly ritual with grocery shopping -- the kids and the hubby seem to like the MENU. I create a weekly menu based upon their food requests and ONLY purchase at the grocery store what I NEED to make those meals. I don't shop the circulars, I don't look for bargains, I don't play the store's marketing game. I buy what we NEED. This week groceries for our family of 5 cost $108.01 including a 50 pound bag of dog food, cat food and diapers. Not bad if I say so myself. My best week so far was $86.00. Before doing the menu -- I was averaging $140.00 each week not including the eating out.
----------------------
Getting to Know You

J**** is a recovering alcohol/drug addict. He has either drank or done some sort of drug the entire time that I have known him up until his sobriety on 12/13/2006. He admits and I admit to him also that we really do NOT know each other with him clean and sober. We have always had a third partner of some sort in our relationship - addiction. A clean and sober individual is different than a person under some sort of influence. An enabling partner (me) is always reacting or preparing for dealing with the beast that is the addict.

The new J**** is also confused. I am not as "hands on" now that he is clean. I don't constantly attend to his needs or need to keep track of his "comings and goings." We are getting to know each other in a new light and it scares both of us. At times he gets a little grouchy -- which I understand from Sober Steve's post is normal. I think he called it King Baby syndrome. I am the epitome of the Queen Baby -- nothing is ever my fault and I think that J**** is seeing through my facade and realizing "Hey - she's not near as perfect as she or I think she is...hmmm." Yep, I'm really fallible and I can hide it really good.

This is a new adventure for the two of us -- an exhilarating and frightening adventure. It's like we are adults or something -- and honestly -- neither one of us are crazy about growing up.
-----------------------
Bragging Rights

Not only can I brag on my children, but I can brag on my siblings too.

My sister (read her blog at A Real Life Soap Opera) is incredible.

She has made a personal goal to lose weight and has joined Weight Watchers for support. She has lost 26.8 pounds this year. That is phenomenal.
She is making a life for herself and went to see the Amish country this past weekend. She and I saw irony in the fact that the Amish don't do electricity or cars BUT they have a website.
She loves her children and grandbabies dearly and sacrifices herself for their welfare.
She is up for a major promotion at work where she will have the opportunity to travel, something that she is very excited about. I am soooo happy for her.

I love you Big Sissy.
----------------------
Teacher Let the Monkeys Out

This is the last week of school. Things are hopefully going to calm down. I just finished working on the June calendar -- we may actually have a weekend or two for just us. I miss my kids, I'm very selfish when it comes to them. I love to be with them. Summertime -- Yeeehaw.

Until next time -- God Bless.

My Miracle

2007-05-21T00:30:00.000-04:00

Believe it -- I was told that I couldn't have children by a respected fertility doctor / gynecologist. I was told that I had a hormonal imbalance that would stop me from having children. I read and read and read and I read that the heavier a woman is the more testosterone they make. I was overweight.

I divorced my first husband -- they say the best diet to go through is a divorce. I lost a LOT of weight.

I met J****, my booty call guy and whoops I was pregnant. I took a pregnancy test and a miracle happened -- I was pregnant.

On May 22 - one day before my due date -- my miracle was born.

Check out my Flickr photos to see the Luau birthday party that we had today.

Tale of a Day at the Zoo

2007-05-16T09:53:00.000-04:00

Our middle child in kindergarten, went to the zoo with her class.

This is what she came home and told us that she did.

She saw a giraffe running.
She got to pet the giraffe.
She saw a lion, and an antelope, and a chimpanzee.
She saw a poisonous snake and you couldn't tap on the glass or it would hit it's head on glass and hurt itself.
She saw a big hairy spider and it got out of its cage, she picked it up and put it back.
She rode a rhinocerous.
She saw a baby elephant and it was this small (she held her hands about a foot off the ground), but the mommy was as big as ten daddies.
She saw a panther and it wanted to follow her so it jumped the fence and went with her through the zoo all day.
She saw penguins and it smelled really bad in there.
She saw a baby tiger, it was white and she got to pet and feed it. The food looked like dog food.
She saw a boa constrictor and he was green with black spots, she got to hold him, he was smooth.
Mommy forgot to pack her a lunch, so the school gave her a lunch with a ham sandwich, cheetos, and jelly candy. It was real good especially the jelly candy.
Someone had to carry her, because she was supposed to wear her tennis shoes and had on flip flops.
She went through the rain forest and got wet.
She had a good time.

She has a great imagination and had a wonderful day. Things had been hectic -- so Mommy forgot that she was even going to the zoo. I am so thankful for wonderful kindergarten teachers, that help me take care of her.

Cool thing that they do at her school -- the parents provide white t-shirts and the t-shirts are all painted exactly alike. That way they can keep better track of our babies. That is a great idea.

Oh yeah -- she said they all fell asleep on the bus trip back to the school and had to be woke up.

Got to love those field trips.

You've Come A Long Way Baby

2007-05-12T21:44:00.000-04:00

I'm 40 today.

Here's how far we have come in one year. Below is my journal entry from last year. Comments in Orange.

May 12, 2006

Happy Birthday to me…

J**** brought diapers to the house for D***** last night. (We were broke, I had no money in the bank account -- we now have an emergency fund and a budget.) He showed up around 8:45 pm while I was putting the children to bed. They were so excited to see him. He told them a story and sang to them and tickled them and yes, he was on the road to being drunk. (J**** has been clean and sober for 150 days today, 5 months tomorrow) I fell asleep putting them to sleep and he came upstairs and woke me up. We talked and he was belligerent and aggravating. He didn’t want to stay at the house and wanted to leave, but he still wanted to kiss me goodbye. He told me during the conversation that he’d drink alcohol if he wanted and wouldn’t stop. Not for me, not for the kids, not for anyone. (He did it for himself, he was about to lose everything.)

He left and went back to A*****’s house. I went to bed.

F**** woke up in the middle of the night and was angry because I wasn’t sleeping with her. She is starting to get an attitude; (attitude is still there - she's in that stage I think) she is dealing with a lot of anger lately. I think she is very smart and she knows that things are bad. When J**** came in last night – shame on us, we yelled in front of the kids and they scolded us, mainly me. (J**** still yells, we still argue -- but all parents argue, our arguments however are no longer verbally violent ones, but petty everyday arguments.)

When she woke up, we talked about Daddy having to leave because of the alcohol. She told me that Daddy lies to her about stopping and about his drinking. She sobbed and sobbed and sobbed when I told her that Daddy would be leaving us soon.

She is having anger issues right now and expressing them toward me. We’re going to have to go and have a mother/daughter day out.

Am I doing what is right? They love their Daddy so much. When he walked through their bedroom door (even though he was drunk) their little eyes lit up. They were so happy that he was home.

What am I putting them through? Is it worse to live with alcohol or to live without a father? (I'm thankful to God and J**** for making the choice for me, and that was to take the choice away. Prayer really does work, folks.) What a mess.

I’m 39 today (now I'm 40 and things are a lot better) and this is not what I thought I’d be dealing with on this birthday. The lawyer just called and he is going to file the orders for temporary custody, child support, and exclusive occupancy of the home.

Things are much better now, of course not perfect - no home is perfect. We are both still growing and the kids are still having growing pains of their own. I'm so proud of what he has accomplished this year - clean, sober, occasional church attendance, a full time job, taking on more responsibilities. Yeah -- I could still fuss and nag about stuff, but what wife can't?

All in all -- today was an uneventful birthday, but birthdays have never been a big deal to me. I always thought the mother should be celebrated on the child's birthday, she went through labor and carried them up to nine months. I cleaned (real cleaning) part of the house, J**** went out and brought us back our supper -- ribeyes yum, yum. I got cute stuff from the kids. I made myself a birthday cake last night (german chocolate - yum, yum) well, D***** and I made it. Everybody called me that always remembers. Brother will remember in a day or two -- that's just the way he is, always late. Sis came over to see me and brought me a pretty necklace and earrings. I bought myself a new bra - another uplifting thing.

Getting it ALL off my chest...

2007-05-09T22:35:00.000-04:00

I'm going to be forty on Saturday -- so, I'm going to be whiney. I earned it.

Here goes...

Overwhelmed

Everyone looks at me and thinks I have it all together. Well, I don't. I am so in over my head it is not funny. People comment, "I don't see how you do it, you work, you have three kids, you fix them supper, their hair is combed, you run the church website, you teach a Bible class..." blah, blah, blah. Well truth is...I stay up to 1:00 or 2:00 in the morning, just trying to stay caught up. My house is extremely messy-can't blame it all on kids, it's the one thing that I just have to let go. Something had to give and it is a clean house. J**** works third shift, so in the evenings he needs a little extra sleep and I become the only parent. I'm not complaining -- I'm proud of his progress and I am glad to give him that opportunity, but..

Trip to the E.R.

...sometimes things falls through the cracks. J**** mowed the yard and left the gas can out. We forgot to lock the backyard gate. I was doing homework with the girls and not paying close attention to the boy. He thought he was being a big boy and pulled the gas can down, it tipped over and spilled over his head and in his eyes. D***** and I rushed to the E.R. He cried, I cried, J**** and I played the blame game for a bit then said -- hey, it was an accident, thankfully the boy is okay. It was so pitiful. He held me and the gas got on my face -- it burned. I could only think how bad it must be hurting him. Trying to pay attention to all three...D*****'s safety fell through the cracks.

I'm too Fat

My B.M.I. is 36.

Underweight = <18.5
Normal weight = 18.5-24.9
Overweight = 25-29.9
Obesity = BMI of 30 or greater

Enough said on that topic.

Burned Out

I love my job, but I am bored. B-O-R-E-D. I understand that since I miss a lot of work ( they are very understanding) it is hard to assign me the big tasks. With three young children you miss a lot. This week -- I missed Monday due to D**** having a tummy bug and 1/2 day today with the eye doctor thing. But, I am capable of so much more. A few months back I was working on a project -- I found a way of resolving a need we were having. I asked if we had access to a specific type of server. No we didn't. I researched how much it would cost. It was a lot of money and I was told that we couldn't get the money for that. A while later the V.P. asked the same question -- why yes, we would get right on it. The V.P. can find money for anything he wants. I had mentioned several times I would like it to be my project before this and that I would like to learn the technology. The project was given to someone else, I was disappointed. But, I am happy to have a good job. I just need something more to motivate me.

Not only am I whiney, but my Kids are Whiney

It is the end of the school year, everything is coming to a final rush...Dance, school, Brownies, Daisies, birthdays. They are tense, I am tense, they are at each other's throats. Sisters --- phew. You take it out on the ones you love. I need to get a handle on this. The oldest is testing her boundaries, the youngest just wants more attention. Aaaarrrrrggggghhh. Sometimes, I just blow up. They get privileges taken away and they cry and whine and OMG they make me nuts.

I'm smoking, smoking, smoking.

And the doctor says I don't need a nerve pill.

Happy Birthday to me

I'm going to be 40. No big deal. It's just another number -- Popaw lived to be 99 -- that's another 59 years. I am embracing my gray hairs, but hating the aching joints. All I want for my birthday is a clean house and some me time. No kids, no husband -- just me. I'd be happy to turn the radio up and just clean the house to my liking -- then soak in a hot bathtub and take a nap. Since Mother's day is Sunday -- hint hint -- this would be great.

A Big Scare

J**** has been trying to be hired on full-time at the factory. Yay!!!! he is now full time. But...it was an uphill battle. He got a call this morning from the HR department telling him that he had falsified his application by saying NO to the question - "Have you ever been imprisoned for a felony or misdemeanor?" Well, I love my husband but when nervous he doesn't think real straight and to him imprisoned meant in prison. The saving factor was that in his interview they asked him if he had any concerns that might keep him from being hired. He told them he has two DUI's and served jail time. Thank God that he is brutally honest. From the phone call today around 12:30 until the decision at 3:30 we prayed and prayed and prayed. Today prayer worked. Thank you Lord. My husband has a full time job. We are proud and happy.

New Seats at Church

Yep, they got rid of the bench type pews and put in stadium style seating. Do you know how hard it is to control three kids in seats that have a seat that will bounce up and down? They can't lay down if they are getting tired, the seats are too close so the boy can't sit in the floor and do what two year olds do to keep them occupied. So, the boy and I stay out of the auditorium, he cries, I want to cry and the girls well -- towards the end they rock in their seats. I'm not spanking them due to a decision made without regards to thinking it completely through. They do look pretty though.

I could go on and on... but that is enough for today... Remind me to tell you about who all I am worried about. Good thing I don't drink...Nah -- I wouldn't have my life any other way.

Kentucky Derby Results

2007-05-07T10:10:00.000-04:00

The Kentucky Derby is a big deal here in the Bluegrass.

You just HAVE to bet on it. So hubby went to Keeneland and placed a few bets.

We had the kids pick a number from 1-20 and Daddy wagered those numbers for them. Ms. F**** chose number 8 and her horse placed. So she won about $10.00. The rest of us -- well, we remember now why we are not professional horse handicappers.

Derby Breakfast

2007-05-03T23:43:00.000-04:00

Every year we have a Derby Breakfast at work. Everyone brings in food or contributes money to the food. Our unit is responsible for breads and pastries. So, I am making my Granny's Caramel Dumplings. Granny was born in 1907 and this was her mama's recipe -- it's an oldie, but a goodie. A very southern dessert/bread recipe.

Enjoy.

Sauce:

2 1/2 cups of brown sugar
1 cup of white sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla
3 cups of boiling water
2 tsp of butter

Combine ingredients in a 9 x 13 baking pan and work it until all sugar is dissolved and it begins to become thick. (Stir, Stir, Stir)

Dumplings:

2 cups all purpose flour
1/2 cup sugar
1/2 cup sweet milk (to all non-southerners, this is just milk)
2 teaspoons of baking powder
2 teaspoons of vanilla
2 tablespoons of melted butter

Combine ingredients (will be like a cookie dough). Spoon dumplings into sauce. Granny said to not let the dumplings touch. Bake at 350 about an hour.

Yum, Yum Yum. Add a big glass of milk when you are eating this, it is very rich and sweet.

Braggin' on my Biggest Baby

2007-04-30T23:07:00.000-04:00

J**** is in control of his alcohol and drug addictions. But, there's one addiction that he still embibes in at times.

Texas Hold'em Poker!!!

I can handle this addiction, because he does it in moderation and he's pretty darned good.

Saturday night he played a tournament sponsored by the local Catholic church. The game had a $50 buy in, and you could add on chips at break time for another $50. 169 people registered for the tournament and he made the final table finishing in seventh place. He won $100 -- enough to cover his buy in and add on. But, the most impressive thing is he came in seventh and there were supposedly some pretty "high rollers" in attendance. First place would have been nice it payed out over $3,000. He said he had a great time.

He was low stack on the final table and about to be blinded out so he had to get his chips in on the best hand he could. He was dealt pocket fives and was called by the chip leader with Queen Six. The chip leader caught a six and beat J****'s fives. J**** said he would have felt a lot better about it if it had been the Queen that he caught. He did feel a bit better when that guy went on to win the tournament.

He called me at 1:10 a.m. to tell me his standing. Since, he doesn't have a driver's license he had to walk home -- about a mile or so. He said, I'm not worried, I'm sober as a judge and proud of it. Half way home we talked on his cell and he said, this is one time I'd like to see a police car and flag them down for a ride.

--------------
Annoying Cute Kid Story

Ok, I'm a mom. Another middle child moment. Ms. G**** was sitting cross legged on the floor. When she got up she was surprised and said, "Mommy, my feet are all tingly." I told her they were asleep. "I don't like it Mommy." I had her come sit in my lap and began to rub her toes to stop the tingling. I explained again how people call the tingly feeling "falling asleep." "Oh, well stop rubbing them Mommy. They are asleep and they are snoring."

I thought it was cute.

By the way -- she lost her first tooth today and doesn't want the tooth fairy to take it. She wrote the tooth fairy a note to come back tomorrow and get it, she wants to show it to everyone. The first person she called was her school teacher then her Granny S****.

The Practice Marriage

2007-04-29T00:07:00.000-04:00

I have a good friend that has been married three times. He says that everyone should be married three times. He classifies the marriages this way:

Spouse #1 - The Practice Marriage
Spouse #2 - The Marriage where you have your children
Spouse #3 - The forever Marriage

Well today, April 29 is the anniversary of my "Practice Marriage." Thirteen years ago, I married this guy that well wasn't very nice. I met him on New Years Eve 1986 at a church function for young people. I thought he was cute, he had pretty blue eyes, and hey -- he's a believer so he must be good.

I soon find out that he has severe self-esteem problems, a very mean mother, and a wimpy dad. I begin to "fix him." I work on his self-esteem, we go through suicide attempts (his), parental problems, etc... Now I can't get rid of him. I try. I try real hard. It's not love - it is feeling sorry for and he satisfied a need to take care of someone. He also took my virginity. (Yes, that picture is me after I met him, To me I look sad and afraid. I'm curled up in a ball, I feel like I'm stuck.)

He began pushing me, and thumping me in the chest whenever he was angry. He'd apologize, I tried to make him leave. He stalked me. I was afraid of him. How could I tell someone what he did to me? He would put bruises on my arms. I would lie about them. He punched me in the nose with my parents in the other room. I didn't say a word.

He would hide in the barn beside my house and sneak in the basement window and surprise me (terrorize me) after my parents went to work. I couldn't get rid of him. I tolerated it. How could I let them (my parents) know that I was a failure. It would disappoint them so.

I bought a house at the age of 25, he moved in. I didn't ask him to move in, he just did. This in the eyes of the church was wrong, in my eyes it was wrong. I couldn't get rid of him -- so, I married him. He hit me on our wedding day.

He suffered from OCD. He finally found a job that he could hold -- a deputy jailer. He learned to use handcuffs, he learned to put people in submission holds, he learned how to beat me even worse. I had guns held to my head, been beaten with an umbrella, with a police baton, had chairs thrown at me. You know -- the bruises were always where you couldn't see them. Everyone thought he was such a great guy. He wasn't.

I filed for divorce when he called me from his girlfriend's house and forgot that it would come up on caller id. When he came home the next day, I confronted him - he denied it. He left his pager home one night when he went to work, and it beeped. I called the number, a young boy answered, I asked who, he told me, I asked how his mommy knew my husband, "He's my Mommy's boyfriend." How do you know? "They sleep in the same bed." What does he look like? He has black hair and wears a uniform.

I immediately changed the locks on the doors. He kidnapped me when he received the divorce papers and held me at gunpoint, and raped me at his apartment. I escaped and got an EPO. His boss took his gun from him, the judge dropped the EPO. Guess it does pay to be in law enforcement.

Now that was one hell of a practice marriage.

--------------------------------

Note: I am on marriage number 2 and I'm a believer that marriage 2 & 3 can be combined. We have had our children, now we will have our romance and forever. He's a good man and I know that he is capable of a lot. Just see what he has done in less than five months.

I love you and am proud of you J****.

Observations

2007-04-27T19:58:00.000-04:00

Jesus Loves Me

The above link takes you to a page from our bulletin at church. It is an anonymous story of a 92 year old preacher that tells of the most important lesson that he has learned in his life. That lesson is to remember these words:

Jesus Love Me,
This I know,
For the Bible tells me so.

Little ones to him belong,
They are weak,
But he is strong.

Yes, Jesus loves me...
Yes, Jesus loves me.
Yes, Jesus love me,
The Bible tells me so.

The simplest wonders in life are remembered and the greatest lessons in life can be learned by watching your children.

My middle girl was saying her prayers the other night. She says the sweetest prayers. She prays to God like she is talking to her daddy. She said, "God, I miss my Popaw J***." (he passed away a few years ago) "Can you let him come back and play with me?" "Pweeease, Pweeease, Pweeeeeeaaaaase?" "I really do miss him." She understood the power of God. She may not completely understand the finality of death. But she knew that if anybody could, God could bring back her Popaw.

Children have a great imagination. Much like the children's show "Backyardigans" I watch my three and the neighbor children having amazing adventures in the backyard. They climbed a mountain and the garden hose was the rope for repelling down the mountain. Enjoyment from simple things, reminds me of Christmas time when you buy them the expensive gift and they play with the boxes, bows and paper and set the expensive gift to the side.

Right now they are playing with my digital camera and taking pictures of each other. The giggles are filling the air. It is the most beautiful sound you will ever hear.

Now some quotes:

"God cannot be everywhere, so he made mothers." Arab Proverb
"As a mother, my job is to take care of what is possible and trust God with the impossible." Ruth Bell Graham
"There are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children. One of these is roots the other is wings." Hodding Carter

As the song says -- "Baby I'm amazed by you."

The Most Beautiful Laugh

2007-04-22T23:40:00.000-04:00

I love my sister. She is 13 years older than me and today is her birthday.

I gave her a card that said "Happy 29th birthday" then inside it said "Aren't you underestimating yourself." She likes funny "dry humor" cards.

Sis left home at 18 -- I would have been five years old. I don't remember much about being home with her. I remember Daddy fighting with her boyfriend and soon to be husband. They eloped. I remember mama going to the grocery and leaving me with her (I didn't like that, I thought she was mean.) But, every picture of her at home after I was born -- she is holding me. She loved me.

Sis has had a rough go of it. She too married an alcoholic. But her alcoholic never changed. She admits her children were affected negatively by their childhood. She worries about them and how things will turn out for them. She is a GOOD mama.

After she left home, I cannot honestly say that I knew my sister UNTIL...I was in my late twenties and living with an abusive husband. My sister gave me strength to get out of that relationship. We began to talk. She became and is still now my best friend. I wish I had been older and been able to help her sooner. Soon after she rescued me from my relationship -- I supported her through her divorce and to freedom.

I would always joke that she is Daddy's favorite. I said this because living at home when she was gone from my life -- dealing with her own -- I watched my Daddy's face light up whenever we talked about her. I watched him worry about her and his grandbabies and I thought -- geez, he doesn't worry about me like that. But now that I am older and wiser I see that he is as worried about me and mine. But Daddy's favorite thing in the world is to hear her laugh. I believe it is one of my favorite things in the world too.

Some people giggle, some just grunt a little laugh, my sister laughs from the pit of her soul. It is a belly laugh, not an obnoxious loud laugh, but an infectious beautiful laugh that makes you smile and begin to giggle and then to laugh with her.

My sister is beautiful inside and out. I used to look at her pictures and think, wow she is pretty and wanted to be as pretty as her. I thought -- look at my pug little nose, she has Daddy's pretty straight perfect nose. She has blue eyes, I have brown eyes. I think she is beautiful. Inside she is caring and warm and as everyone that has experienced one -- she gives the second best hug in the world. Daddy's is the best.

I took her out Friday for her birthday. Everywhere we went, people seemed to be drawn to her. I think that is called charisma. Everyone that spoke with her (with the exception of the matronly grumpy librarian) seemed to smile and relax in her presence. At the end of the day when she left, I thought to myself how lucky I am to have such a great individual as a sister.

It is amazing with all the crap that she has put up with in her life that she has this beautiful laugh. Oh, how I love that laugh. Sometimes, I call her for no reason so I can just make her laugh. I know she needs to laugh more and I need to hear her laugh. It revives me.

I love you sis. Happy 53rd birthday.

NayNay

Publicly Humiliated

2007-04-18T17:08:00.000-04:00

THE EMAIL

______________________________________________

From: ************************** Human Resources
Sent: Wednesday, April 18, 2007 3:24 PM
To: All Users
Subject: Illnesses

There have been several instances in the past few weeks of employees with illnesses that may be contagious coming to work. A number of employees have indicated concern about the risk of catching something from these individuals. The most recent example is pink eye (conjunctivitis). We need to be sensitive to others. If you have a contagious illness, you should see a doctor and you should stay home until you are no longer contagious. Thank you.

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/pink-eye/DS00258

MY RESPONSE ONLY SENT TO MY BOSS

_____________________________________________
From: Me
Sent: Wednesday, April 18, 2007 3:34 PM
To: Boss
Subject: FW: Illnesses

Now I feel like a leper.

I did not come in here contagious. I did not contract pinkeye until April 11 at which time I did stay home.

The one day that there was a risk the only area that could be effected would have been my office or the bathroom and hand sanitizer was used every 15 minutes.

If anyone has contracted it -- it is not from me.

I am usually not easily offended, but I now feel publicly embarrassed.

Since I look like crap and to make everyone feel more comfortable do I need to leave and return when I am no longer offensive?

Sorry,
Me

AFTER I STEWED AND LITERALLY BROKE DOWN INTO TEARS

----Original Message-----
From: Me
Sent: Wed 4/18/2007 3:40 PM
To: Boss
Subject: RE: Illnesses

I'm gone -- gonna noodle this one over -- may not be here until I look well -- may go to doctor tomorrow to satisfy everyone.

I'm not happy right now.

I have wide shoulders, I can carry a great load, but with what I have been through this last two weeks, that was the "straw." I do know one other person in the office has conjunctivis and I have not been near her or on her floor of the building during my bout with conjunctivitis.

Yes, I look like hell. My eyes are still puffy, I can't wear makeup because like a little kid, I kept rubbing my eyes and made the skin around my eyes very raw .

And, yes I cried -- the tears just rolled out, I couldn't control it. Now, if you know anything about tough ol' country girls it is this. If they cry, they aren't being dramatic, they aren't being a boo-whiney, they ARE PISSED OFF and GET THE HELL OUT OF THEIR WAY!!!!

So, I used my better judgment and got out of there before I said or did something that I would regret tomorrow.

Just venting -- I feel a little better -- not much, but I do. I still just don't see why HR director couldn't have sent the email without mentioning a specific condition. It would have been just as effective without this sentence and the link, "The most recent example is pink eye (conjunctivitis)."

Oh yeah -- I shut my office door and hung up a sign that says Quarantined.

I'm Not One to Give Advice

2007-04-17T11:10:00.000-04:00

I was asked in a comment to give advice on money. That is laughable. I'm not laughing at you but at me. I can tell you about the advice I am following -- but when it comes to money, I am one of the worst.

Here's the question that I received:

Can you email me about The Total Money Makeover? I am so proud of the work you all are doing, and we need it terribly! I would love to attend a class, but cannot afford it right now. Could you give me your advice, what works for you, etc.?

Here's my money "advice" with a preface --

I am the baby in the family. I am spoiled. I have gotten pretty much everything I ever wanted. My Mom used to say that if I told Daddy that I wanted the moon he'd build a ladder long enough to reach it and get it for me. I don't fault them, they love me. On top of that, if you have read my early posts you know about all of my quirks (adult child of an alcoholic, married an abuser, then married an alcoholic, suffer from depression, etc.). All of these quirks contribute to my lack of discipline when it comes to such things as money management, weight management, time management, being able to say NO. I am big hearted and I want to share what I have, I am a pushover, etc.

My brother from what I understand makes pretty good money, but he also has said that he has trouble with managing his money too. He claims that Mama/Daddy never taught him to balance a checkbook, never taught him to save. But like my brother I am a reader and I have read, and read some more until I found someone that made sense to me when it came to handling our family's money. My brother is also a passivist and can't say NO.

My sister she has quirks too. She like me is an enabler and we tend to enable those around us that can't manage their money to use our money. So, if particularly a family member asks for money we will shortchange ourselves to provide for them.

Now some of these things are great traits. But...

Take care of yourself before you can take care of others.

You can't be lending your money to an adult child, family member, or friend. A quote from Shakespeare's Hamlet, "Neither a borrower or a lender be." If we take care of others then to take care of ourselves we use our credit cards. We justify it like this: I'll give them $10 so they can get cigarettes, I'll put these few groceries for me on the credit card. Everyone is immediately satisfied, but later the bill comes in and the family member seemed to forget all about that $10. Learn to say NO.

Don't put anything on credit but dirt.

A bill collector gave me this advice. In this society we tend to want immediate gratification. I need a new dress. I need an HDTV. I need a new cell phone. My mama always reminded me that there was a huge difference between a want and a need. Think about it -- do you just WANT it or do you really NEED it? You need groceries, a roof, transportation. But do you NEED filet mignon, a beach house, and a BMW? No. If we buy things that we WANT but do not NEED we live beyond our means. To live beyond our means we have to use credit cards. Financing anything except real estate, a house, a farm, a plot of land is not good. Most everything else depreciates and you are throwing your money away.

My grandparents never had a credit card. Mama and Daddy have one credit card, "for emergencies." They never had an emergency to need it. They continuously forget they have it. I guess when they didn't have those 29% interest minimum payments they forgot and actually had cash. Do you remember a time when your parents shunned credit? My old country raisin' did.

Stop Eating Out

I have started making a weekly menu. On this menu I outline every meal that the family will have. Groceries this week for breakfast, lunches, snacks, and dinners came to $96.00. Without the menu and the list of just the stuff I need to prepare those meals I was spending $140.00 each week. On Thursday nights when the girls have dance class -- we get to eat out. This week we will eat at McDonalds. A family of five eating at McDonalds is going to cost us around $27.00. That is almost 1/3 of my weekly at home food bill. Eating out costs a LOT. I cringe when I think of that $27.00. If I applied that to my grocery bill I could get enough ribeyes for our family, bake some potatoes, cut up a nice salad and bake a loaf of bread. Choices is what it is all about. Don't tell me you don't have time to cook -- I'm a mom of three and work full time and cook every night but Thursday.

Stop Smoking if you Smoke

Smoking is bad for your health and your pocketbook. We are guilty of this one. Yesterday at the discount tobacco shop I spent -- for this week $35.00. Last week a teacher at our church said that he used to smoke and got to the point where he considered it and felt as though he had been stealing money from his family.

If you go to Church, Don't Pay God Last

I know this may sound superstitious, but I have noticed that if I don't put money in the collection plate for God then I have no luck with my finances, if I do "lay by in store on the first day of the week" then I prosper. Put God first in ALL things, even your finances.

Do it together.

If you have a husband, partner, etc that you share financial responsibilities with -- make certain that you are on the same page. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER lie about money or anything for that matter, but DO NOT LIE about money to your spouse. It is a team effort one person can't be filling up the hole while another is digging the dirt back out. You get nowhere that way -- both have to work together to fill the hole that has already been dug.

So what to do?

Use the library -- it is free. I chose Dave Ramsey's plan because it follows Christian precepts, it focuses on giving, and he is plain talk. Check out -- My Total Money Makover, and Financial Peace. Read them -- realize how stupid you are (I did.) then...

Go to his website and look around, listen to his radio program -- he makes sense, he's funny, and he's been there. Sign up for the free trial forum on his site -- It is a wealth of information and Free is good. People in there will let you show them your budget and they will critique it and help you start thinking right.

Pray and ask God to forgive you for not being a good steward of your money and ask Him to guide you on this journey...

Make a budget -- see where you can cut and how you can live on LESS than your paycheck.

Catch up any past due bills.

Put money into savings ($1000) as a cushion for emergencies and don't touch it unless there is an emergency.

Start taking every extra penny or dime and throwing them at your creditors...

The Total Money Makeover Calls these Baby Steps.

I'll post more stuff I learn as I learn it -- I myself just learned to stand up and stop crawling. Remember, it is personal finance -- what works for me personally may not work for you. Goodluck and keep me posted and I will pray for your financial health.

My Coffee Cup

2007-04-15T22:34:00.000-04:00

Last But Not Least

2007-04-14T09:19:00.000-04:00

The lovey dovey, kissy huggy, can't keep my hands or my face off of anyone else child has the pinkeye.

Please let this be the end of it. J**** hasn't contracted it -- yet. Let's keep our fingers crossed.

Here is Ms. F**** with Pinkeye.

Here are those beautiful eyes without pinkeye.Got to clean house now -- it looks like the walls have barfed all over the floor. And the young'ns are getting everything else out of the playroom.

Aaaaarrrgggghhh. Calgon -- take me away!!!!!!!

New Look, New Name

2007-04-12T18:36:00.000-04:00

I changed the look of my blog. Took out a bunch of junk. Added more junk and picked a really weird green -- I know, I know. No longer estranged -- Just Getting Stranger.

Why the name change?

A year ago I filed for divorce from J****.

A year ago I went to the attorney and filed for divorce. I didn't want to, I felt I had to. He was drinking to excess. He wasn't working. He was irresponsible. He got more DUI's and the list goes on. The children were being adversely affected, I was starting to be afraid of him, things were rough. I tolerated, I hummed and hawed around until you my friends gave it to me with both barrels loaded. J**** started reading my blog, he realized that she is serious. He has been sober and clean for 120 days today. He also heard this morning that he will be full time as soon as the bureaucratic red tape is taken care of and the opening is available. Hopefully next week. He attends church with us and has truly amazed me with his progress. Tomorrow = 4 calendar months and the anniversary of the day that we met.

If you had asked me where we would be today, I would have sworn he'd either be in jail or homeless and I'd be a single mom. Prayer works, tough love works, al-anon helps, gut feelings help, and you guys kept me tough.

We are no longer estranged.

Dave Ramsey program tells you to be weird.

We are working the Baby Steps outlined in the Dave Ramsey Total Money Makeover and we just threw Snowball number 4 today.

Here's the Snowball progress to date:

Doin' the Crawl -Arrears Caught Up - DONE - $1761.86 - 2/9/2007
Baby Step 1 - DONE - $1000.00 - 2/15/2007
Baby Step 2 - 11 SNOWBALLS left to throw
Snowball 1 - $413.00 - Thrown 2/16/07 - Legal Fees
Snowball 2 - $167.04 - Thrown 2/23/07 - Medical Bills
Snowball 3 - $242.73 - Thrown 3/15/07 - CapOne - CC1
Snowball 4 - $300.00 - Thrown 4/12/07 - Pinnacle Finance (negotiated down from $533)

No more credit. As one bill collector told us -- he doesn't finance anything anymore except dirt. (Land, Home, Realty) If I can't afford it and can't pay cash for it, I don't need it. Be weird Dave says, live below your means so you aren't eating Alpo when you are old and gray.

As each snowball is thrown, the load seems lighter. I guess we are growing up. We paid for Dental visits by waiting until we could pay cash - no credit card, no borrowing from mama/daddy, no using line of credit at bank. Just plain ol' cash.

Things like this seem to fall in place when God is on your side. I give on Sunday morning what I can afford -- since I can't afford to tithe I am building the church website. I ask God everynight to make me a good steward of my money. He helps me. How? I wanted to attend the Financial Peace University (FPU) by Dave Ramsey. Dave begins offering an online version -- perfect for me -- who can get a cheap babysitter for three to attend classes for 16 weeks? I get accepted as a free beta tester. J**** and I get to take the course for FREE, FREE I say. Now that is cool.

As a Christian we are to be a peculiar people.

But ye are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a peculiar people; that ye should shew forth the praises of him who hath called you out of darkness into his marvellous light; 1 Peter 2:9

We are supposed to be different, a light in a dark world. Be good, not be like the majority, but be Christlike. We are supposed to make people go hmmmm. What is more peculiar than to love God, your neighbor, and even your enemies?

Strange is fun, just look at us.

Yes, we are strange. I am the mom that tells my screaming child in the store to scream louder they can't hear you on the other side of the store. I am the mom that sits with the kids during children's song service and sings "If you are Happy and You Know It" and does all of the motions. J**** is the dad that squirts our kids and the neighbor kids with water hoses and runs races with them down the middle of the street. Ours is the house where all the kids want to come and play. I am the mom that sits in the middle of the neighbor's trampoline with 4 little girls making balloon animals. G***** sings everywhere she goes. We like the "Walton's" tell each family member goodnight and we love you before bedtime EVERY night. We say grace before we eat. We aren't afraid to be a little different. We have fun, we love each other. Normal is boring.

and thank goodness we are JUST GETTING STRANGER everyday.

Just Shoot me Between the Eyes

2007-04-11T08:57:00.000-04:00

Please!!! I can't take this anymore...

Once again -- Here I am with pinkeye...
Here I am without pinkeye.I want to go to work. I have missed Soooo much here lately -- with children, husband, myself, pinkeye -- I KNOW my priority is to be Mommy, but I am so overwhelmed and I am just about at my wits end. I thank God every night for having a wonderful bunch of coworkers.

Hopefully, we can all get over this pinkeye, and all of this seasonal crap so we can get back to normal. Oh and joy of joys -- husband said he was puking at work last night. I told him to STAY AWAY from me.

I know -- I'm whiney today.

By the way, do you know how hard it is, with pink eye as the Mama to NOT touch stuff. I couldn't fix the girls' hair this morning, or dress them, they did themselves and they look like they dressed themselves. Just think of all the things you touch...

Today I am thankful for hand sanitizer.

I Should be in the WWF

2007-04-10T08:00:00.000-04:00

Have you ever wrestled a two year old all BOY to administer eye drops?

Pink Eye (Conjunctivitis) is still prevalent in our house. It is D***** this time. Poor little feller. It hasn't slowed him down -- but it takes both Mommy and Daddy to get the drops in his eye.

Here's a pic of him with his Pink Eye.
And here's a pic without the Pink Eye.
I really do hate the color pink.

Other News -- J**** has a job interview this morning to get on full-time at the factory. Pray for him. He's nervous and excited. I am so proud of his progress. He has been attending church every Sunday and even commented that he would like some day to participate with giving announcements, leading the prayers, and maybe even one day leading song service.

He has grown so much. Now ya'll see why I love him so much?

And one proud Mommy picture of all three blessings on Easter Morning.

Spring Break - Poor Baby

2007-04-03T21:32:00.000-04:00

This is Ms. G***** she has conjunctivitis, more commonly known as "Pink Eye." It is highly contagious. She has it in both eyes. It itches and the light hurts her eyes. But, the really bad thing about it is...it's Spring Break and she can't play with other kids, go to work with Mommy, romp with her baby brother, etc.

However she is making the most of it. Usually these are her pretty eyes...

Bloody Mess

2007-04-02T00:16:00.000-04:00

Guys -- if this embarrasses you - yes, it is about that time of the month. The period. Aunt Flo. All those euphemisms.

Well folks, I had a period last week. My cycle has been so mucked up that this came as a surprise to me. I haven't had the visit from Aunt Flo for several months now and yes, she was an unexpected visitor.

When I was put on Prozac a few years back, it was to control my hormonal bouts of depression. Now I am on Celexa. Love those happy pills. Good thing about the period -- I am diligent in my work, I think I got more work done both at home and on the job than I have in a while. Heck, I dug up all of the dandelions and weeds in my front yard flower bed. Another good thing -- I am mushy, lovey dovey, sweet. Awwwww.

Bad thing -- I don't do chocolate - I spend. This last week we spent on fast food --
Pizza Hut - $25.50
Mexican Restaurant -- $45.00
McDonalds -- $3.18, $17.23, 26.02
Dairy Queen -- $27.79
for a grand total of $144.72.

Well my weekly budget for food is $100.00. Now I am hormonal and go to the grocery -- another $140.04. We now have sour gummy lifesavers, popcorn, a DVD of Happy Feet, 2 of the 1/2 gallons of ice cream, meat from the deli because it tastes better, sodas, cheese, cheese, and the PMS have to have Salt and Vinegar Potato Chips.

I BLEW THE BUDGET. I COULDN'T SAY NO!!!!!!!!!!

Hubby wanted to eat out -- Sure I said with glee. Mommy we want pancake happy meals. No problem I say pleasingly. Now I am disgruntled -- hell - I blew it anyway -- how's a footlong from DQ sound. Good to me too. I ain't cooking after church -- here have a Big Mac.

So -- got to rob the savings account.

Aaaaarrrrrrggggghhhhh. I fell off my budget wagon.

Oh -- Dave Ramsey, forgive me for I have sinned. Oh well -- tomorrow is another day. Period is over and I am refreshed and renewed.

You know the old saying -- "Don’t Trust Anything That Bleeds for Five Days and Doesn’t Die." Well during that time o' the month -- I am NOT to be trusted with money. Take away the debit card, the envelopes, and the checkbook. Lock them away -- Just say NO.

On this same line of thought... Here is an email that my Sister sent me... It cracked me up. Don't know if it is true, but I sure do hope so -- cause this is great!!!!

AN OPEN LETTER TO

MR. JAMES THATCHER,
BRAND MANAGER,
PROCTER & GAMBLE.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?

As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants.
Which brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."

Are you fucking kidding me?

What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us? Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.

Best,

Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX

I couldn't have said it better myself. Kudos to Wendi.

Ok Guys -- you can open your eyes now I'm done talking about "the period."

Nothing in Particular

2007-03-27T12:14:00.000-04:00

Confession: I have been smoking again -- the sign will be right on Friday -- so I'll lay the pack down again. No particular reason to start back -- just bored at night -- it was warm outside -- just seemed like the thing to do. Bless his heart -- J**** said tongue in cheek, "Does this mean I can drink a beer?" I told him, just like me -- you'd have to start back at day one. But, it is a personal choice. More or less he said I'll pass. Oh, he has been "Dipping Skoal or one of those tobacco things." Ewwwwww.

First Shift - J**** and his dad have been working at the warehouse in another town - on first shift. First shift is nice because he is at home with me and the young'ns every night. Neither of them have a driver license so they are riding with a coworker. For convenience Papaw is staying with us this week, along with his 18 pack of Miller Lite in the refrigerator. Is that disrespectful to our house? My husband respected my wishes and did not keep alcohol in the home or drink it at home. Why would there be a double standard? I respect my parents' home and do not smoke around them. I fear that it will make J**** want to drink. Even after 100+ days of sobriety. I know that cravings are hard to control. I love Papaw very much, but I don't know how to approach this. I guess since J**** is the man of the house, he will do as he sees fit. I just hope that he can handle it. I will NOT live with alcoholism AGAIN. I will pray about this. (If you can't read the sign, I love it - at the bottom it says "Women work all the time, men have to put up signs when they work."

Sober Steve - J**** and I have made blog friends. Sober Steve has a wonderful blog. He has a post that his wife wrote about feeling trapped. I read her letter and it made me cry. To recognize myself in her writing. Steve should be proud, she is so very talented. You can read his post with her letter by clicking here.

Kid Funny - Check out my Flick'r pictures and see D*****'s cheese eating technique. Ms. G***** was on the telephone with Granny S and chatting away. She tells Granny, "Guess who is here?" "Your other husband." "You know, Papaw." "Do you want to talk to him?" Heheheheheh You have to understand, not a good marriage, and strained when the two talk to each other, etc. As the old saying goes, "Out of the mouth's of babes." Oh and another thing. I hope someone can answer this question from Ms. F**** "Mommy, I know God knows everything, but does he know about fashion?" A nice point to ponder.

Brownie Vest - Ms. F**** got her Brownie patches for her vest yesterday at the meeting. The leader had Alene's fabric glue and had these six year olds glue their patches to the vests. So skewed, smeared patches, and the glue stained the vests. Real Good -- I think I'll put them in a box for a scrap book or something. Sheez, this woman is sweet, the kids love her, but she's not real bright.

The Bottom Line - Just a comment: Just because the bank account online balance says $1,400, it does NOT mean that much money is available. "Where did all the money go? You had over $1,000 in the bank the other day?" Ummmm, bills. Guess we need to go over the budget again -- we both do STUPID when it comes to money. I'd like to take the Financial Peace University course. I think it would help us both -- a lot.

Cancellation - BHP cancelled our counseling session. She had an emergency. With J**** working first shift, I have no clue when we will be able to reschedule. Bummer, I was anxiously looking forward to the session. I was looking at it with hope for helping us grow together, and with fear of what I might find out about myself. I don't know if ya'll know this or not -- but I'm not perfect. Shocking huh? Coincidentally (God is wonderful, ya know) the new Bible class series on Sunday morning is about marriage.

Weather - Beautiful weather = kids outside playing = Mom gets alone time inside. Hooray!!!!

Vroom Vroom Boots - Why do all toddlers, especially boys go through a phase where they wear the same footwear every waking minute of the day? Why is this obsession usually with boots? Here are the boots that D**** loves to wear. He wears them with long pants, shorts, diaper only, to Granny's house, at home, at play, and yes to church. I tried hiding them this morning -- but he didn't stop searching until they were on his feet. Did you notice that yes, they are Snow Boots? It is 81 degrees here and he is wearing Snow Boots with shorts. I love my son.

Web Page - I have volunteered to develop the website for our church. I have a mockup ready. Here's the website it is not working as far as links and such yet. So no comments on "It doesn't work", but you can critique the design. More or less this is just what it is going to look like. www.camdenchurch.org

Got to go now -- see ya in the funny papers!!! Nay

That Many Blogs Can't be Wrong

2007-03-18T17:31:00.000-04:00

Well -- it is that time of year where kids get sick and make the Mommies and Daddy's sick too.

Officially in the blogosphere it is being called PukeFest 2007.

Ours started Friday morning at 1:22 am with #1, then me Saturday night right before midnight, # 2 around 1:00 am on Saturday, and #3 around 2:00 am on Saturday. The hubby says he doesn't feel good either, but you know how men are :O).

I think the worst part is the laundry. Ewww. I felt so rough last night that I stopped blogging and left my post the way it was...no elaboration anything. You know that I am sick if the computer monitor refreshing makes me sick.

So, if you are a strange individual that enjoys reading about regurgitation in small children. Here are a few blogging mommies out there celebrating Pukefest 2007. Google it and you too will see that it is an epidemic.

Beth Ann Allen
Rachel's Pukefest 2007
Queen of the Bad Mommies
House on Fire

and the list goes on and on and on. Believe me -- it is no fun.

Tight Wad

2007-03-17T23:56:00.000-04:00

I am turning into a tight wad.

Paid off a credit card this month. Chipping away at my debt snowball. Yea!!!

Here's the progress so far --
Arrears Caught Up - DONE - $1761.86 - 2/9/2007
Baby Step 1 - DONE - $1000.00 - 2/15/2007
Baby Step 2 - 12 SNOWBALLS left to throw
Snowball 1 - $413.00 - Thrown 2/16/07 - Legal Fees
Snowball 2 - $167.04 - Thrown 2/23/07 - Medical Bills
Snowball 3 - $242.73 - Thrown 3/15/07 - CapOne - CC1

We had a scare. J**** received a phone call Friday morning and he was laid off from his job at the factory. I was upset and J**** said that he didn't know why I was so upset, it didn't affect me. Then he realized that he worded it wrong and that he didn't want it to affect me.

Later Friday they called him back and want him to work at another factory this week and then go back to the other one due to some reorg in the first factory they laid temp folks off. But they are bringing him and his dad back. They have proven that they are good employees. Yea.

F**** had a stomach bug Thursday night and Friday. She is all better now, but I feel real yucky right now. Hope it's not my turn and hope it doesn't work its way through all five of us.

I have volunteered to do the website for my church. Hope I can do it justice.

I am Church of Christ

2007-03-11T22:35:00.000-04:00

Several people lately have asked me what are you? I'm a Christian
No, what denomination? I'm not in any denomination
NO, what church do you attend? Church of Christ
Ohhhhh, which one? THE Church of Christ
No, no, no -- liberal or conservative? If I have to choose I'd say conservative.
Oh, I see.
------------------
Well, no they don't see. Let me tell you what I see.

I was born and raised in THE Church of Christ. I will joke with folks and say, "Yep, that's okay, we're the only one's going to heaven." But, it's not a joke. However, I cannot judge, I am not GOD. God is a God of grace. But I do know that God is NOT one to be tempted. Matthew 4:7, " It is written again Thou shalt not tempt the Lord thy God."So, if I am not to tempt God -- then I had best be doing what HE wants me to do and not what I want to do.

People will say -- oh you go to that Church that doesn't have music. No, we have music. Then they'll say -- no you don't have a piano. Correct, we do not worship God with instrumental music. We read Ephesians 5:19, "Speaking to yourselves in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord." and Colossians 3:16 "Let the Word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom; teaching and admonishing in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord." He commanded me to sing. I sing. So they say -- But David sang and played the harp. Yeah, so. David also sacrificed lambs and goats. Well, I can't enjoy it if it is a capella, it doesn't sound as good. Hmmm, then are you listening to the words or the melody? Speaking, teaching, admonishing those are the purposes of the songs. I am a classically trained musician, an instrument at that. My clarinet never taught me about God. It never admonished me and thankfully it never spoke to me.

So what about your creed? We have the Bible. What is your doctrine? The Bible. Your bylaws? The Bible. No what other document do you use...None in Revelation 22:18 & 19, it says, "If any man shall add unto these things, God shall add unto him the plagues written in this book: and if any man shall take away from the words..." You see, I really don't want God mad at me. I made a comment to a friend the other day and his comment to me was, the Bible doesn't say you can't. Well yes it does...reread this paragraph.

Folks think that the Church of Christ is backward. No, we are probably the least backward Church a going...why? We try to follow what the Bible says, we beg you to correct us if we are wrong, we don't bind any other rules on you that the Lord did not place in the Bible. Because of this we do not change. Now you'll say -- see you are backward you do not change. Well, if that is the case then you can just throw Jesus Christ out of religion because you think he's backward. But, according to Hebrews 13:8 "Jesus Christ the same yesterday, and today and forever." He goes on to say..."Be not carried about with diverse and strange doctrines." I think we are supposed to be like Jesus, isn't that what those WWJD bracelets meant?

Yes, we say that we are the One true church. Why? because we are trying to do ONLY as the Bible says. We are not adding creeds, heirarchical structures with men in ranking positions, no business ties, no profit making, we are not a place for entertainment or dining. We are your brothers and sisters and we worship God. We love one another and we strive to be like Christ. No we are not a denomination because God says, I Corinthians 1:10, ..."that ye all speak the same thing, and that there be no divisions among you; but that ye be perfectly joined together in the same mind and in the same judgment." The only way to have NO divisions is to follow only what God has spoken.

But mainly, the Church of Christ and it's people are to strive to be kind and gentle, a peculiar people, loving our enemies and our friends. We should be the lights of the world.

I know that if it hadn't been for my beliefs taught by the Church and the Church urging me to study and turn to His word, I would not have made it through a whole lot of the stuff that I have made it through. Abusive ex husband, alcoholic father and husband, money problems, depressions, the Church of Christ has given me Faith, Hope, Grace, and all of that.

So what am I, I am God's child.

I Just Can't Be Satisfied

2007-03-07T23:08:00.000-05:00

Stop drinking...he did.

Stop doing drugs...he did.
Get a job...he did.
Go to church with me...he does.
Let's get ourselves on a budget...he agrees.

Well ---she's (me) still not satisfied.

-----------------------------------------------

J**** is working third shift and still seems to be having a heck of a time adjusting to it. Hopefully the time change or seasonal change will help him. I am proud of him for sticking with it. Out of the myriads of temporary employees that the company hired J**** is one of the four that they have kept. We are keeping our fingers crossed that they will keep him as a full-time employee.

However, he gets home at 7:20 am and we get home from school/work in the evening around 5:00 p.m. That is 9 1/2 hours. He still wants to sleep until he goes to work -- he'll get up and grumble at us for being too loud, eat, snarl a bit and go back to bed. This isn't good for him or us. When, oh when, is he going to adjust?

He drinks lots of caffeine at night while he is at work and comes home with a Mountain Dew in hand. This I would imagine winds him up. He says that he can't get settled down until around 11:30 am. So this leaves him 5 1/2 hours until we get home. I 90% of the time get by on 5 or less hours of sleep a night.

Again, I hate to say...I do this, you don't do that argument. I hate the physical versus mental labor argument. So starts the Nag, Nag, Nag factor.

Physical labor versus mental labor -- hoop-ti-do -- I work my ass off at home too. Up at 5:30 I dress, feed, prepare three kids for school and child care, go to work and support 100+ users, either work through lunch or use my lunch hour to run family errands, pick up children (any after school activities - me) cook, feed them, bathe them, help with homework (sometimes he does), clean (very little until weekend). He works and sleeps - and he self proclaims that it is NOT a difficult or taxing job.

So this is me just a bitching. BHP would say that he sounds awful spoiled. I have mentioned before that he tends to have this entitlement complex.

I want us to be partners. Right now, I feel like a single mom of three, with a man upstairs paying room and board. Because the man is upstairs and is grouchy, we tiptoe around being quiet. I keep them away from their bedrooms upstairs, their toys and private space so as not to wake up daddy.

So, am I just being hard to satisfy? Is it going to get better and will he adjust? Will I have a spouse again? This can't be fun for him -- no life it seems. Will he have a life? Does he want a life?

Thank goodness we are going to counseling on the 16th.

Six Year Olds Serving their Community

2007-03-05T14:46:00.000-05:00

As adults we get complacent with the community around us and forget that we were put on this earth to be like Jesus and to serve those around us.

Jn 13:12 So after he had washed their feet, and had taken his garments, and was set down again, he said unto them, Know ye what I have done to you? 13 Ye call me Master and Lord: and ye say well; for so I am. 14 If I then, your Lord and Master, have washed your feet; ye also ought to wash one another's feet.

Jesus washed the feet of his disciples, not to dictate that we should wash each others' feet, but as an example to show us that we should not hold ourselves above others, and to always live a life of service to those around us.

Ms. F**** and her brownie troop have shown us adults that we have a long way to go in serving our community. We tend to think that we do not have time for this, or time for that, or that we are too small globally to help or to make a difference.

Here is what her Brownie troop has done so far this year:

They have made enough money to give over $400 to the local Nursing Home for special wheelchairs - and they aren't done yet. They will be at the local grocery on Thursday selling more cookies.
Also, this year they have collected canned goods on Halloween to scare away hunger and took at least a van load of groceries to God's Pantry.
They have sang for the residents of the Nursing home and spread cheer to them.
They have sent clothes, toys, shoes, and candy to children in Iraq and solicited local churches/businesses to foot the postage bill. What they sent were their own clothes, toys, etc. from their own closets. Here is the response from a staff member (Air Force Major) thanking the girls.

From: Major *******
To: Troop Leader
Sent: Mon, 5 Mar 2007 9:24 AM
Subject: Iraq
Dear Girl Scout Troop,
I want to personally thank you for your continued support and generous donations.. On behalf of myself,Sargent P**** main coordinator for CMOC, the volunteers and all the Iraqi children and people, thank you very much..The way things work here is we have rotations of soldiers coming and going .. The tours last 4 months for the Air Force which is what I am..During the last 4 month rotation there was only about 200 people seen at the free clinic.. Since we arrived here in Janurary and you began sending the packages we have seen 1400 total people!!!that's only about 50 days!!! We will be here till the middle of May... Your packages and donations have made that much of an impact onthese people and the mission we are trying to do here..It's hard for you to believe that because you live thousands of miles away in America that you make such a difference in someones life.. These small gifts of clothes ,shoes, toys, candy have a huge impact on these people.. When they get so mething from you, it's like winning the lottery..their excitement is overwhelming..You know how excited you are when you get new designer jeans,clothes,gymshoes,dolls,toys video games..etc???Well multiply that feeling 10 times!!!Even though the clothes you send are used,some torn,stained, paint on them, knees worn out, grass stains,and used gym shoes, to these people they are special .. Meaning it don't matter if they're new or used, they're special because they came from America, and were worn by an American!! All the old marks and stains make your old things unique, it gives them their own character. it's designer and special to these people..These people love us so much you have no idea..They are so honored to wear something that came from America whether its new or used they don't care to them it's the greatest thing you could ever give them..You can look down the streets and they are deserted..people are afrfraid to come out. But when an American soldie r comes down t he street all people run out to him they hug him kiss him, the children want him to play with him... It's the most amazing thing you've ever seen..They won't come out at any other time except when Americans are around..They trust us and love us that much..It's a real shame the news media don't want the American people to know this about the Iraqi people...They are really a great loving people, a little backward in their beliefs from what we are, but very good.. The news can't hide the truth anymore.There has been hundreds and thousands of soldiers like me who've written home and returned home with the truth..You can't decieve the people anymore..Thanks again for your support and donations.. You are doing a really great thing and are helping make history in the middle east..
Major H******

I am humbled by the servitude shown by these young folks. They didn't know that they couldn't impact the world. They had no inhibitions, they just did it. They were yelled at by the postal workers when they took in 40 boxes crudely taped and written, but they withstood and said it's for the children in Iraq. They did it.

I am ashamed that I do not do more. I am a proud Mommy today.

Guess we adults need to quit making excuses and realize, no matter how small our contributions do matter.

Cost?

2007-02-28T15:30:00.000-05:00

Anonymous said...: how much does Dave Ramsey charge?

I don't mean for my blog to sound like an advertisement for Dave's program but the question was asked. So I answer.

His book is for sale on his website for $10.00. I went to the library and got it for FREE.

His radio show is nationally syndicated or you can go to his website and listen to the show in real audio or media player. Again FREE.

I subscribe to a forum on his website (personal choice for me) that allows me to chat and interact with others in the same program. These folks are in the same boat as I, some are way ahead and some are counselors. They give great advice and motivation. That costs me $8.95 a month or you can prepay for a year for $89.95. There is a FREE trial period on the site. However, there is also a FREE forum for TMMO and it is www.LLNOE.com. FREE is good.

He is leading a ministry against credit abuse. He does NOT take credit cards on his site for you to purchase his products. Only a debit card. He says the ideas aren't his it's the same stuff your grandma would tell you.

You can buy his software, but there's lots of FREE spreadsheets on the web you can download.

He has a program called Financial Peace University. There is NO CHARGE for the classes, but you do have to buy the materials for this 13 week program. Right now it is on sale for $139.00. I have not done the FPU, I want to. These are usually sponsored by local churches.

He's not really teaching us a lot at the beginning of the program that we already didn't know -- he's just a great motivator. The investing information and advice is where I will need the help.

Just plain old common sense. Sometimes I don't tend to have a lot of that. Guess I'm smarter than I am savvy.

Want to know what sucks? I think I have actually lost my debit card. Aaaarrrrrggggghhhh!

What Lifestyle Change?

2007-02-27T11:22:00.000-05:00

OK -- So ya'll know that we are doing the Dave Ramsey Total Money Make Over thing...

So here's how it is going so far...

Arrears Caught Up & we have a Budget
DONE - $1761.86 - 2/9/2007
Baby Step 1 (Emergency Fund)
DONE - $1000.00 - 2/15/2007
Baby Step 2 (14 SNOWBALLS to throw - totaling approx. $22,000)
Snowball 1 - $413.00 - Thrown 2/16/07
Snowball 2 - $167.04 - Thrown 2/23/07

Now for some things that I have learned about myself and our family heirarchy in this process.

This program tells you to live on what you make or on less than you make. We have been doing that all along, BUT for only 1/2 of the month when we ran out of money. If you've heard the old saying there's not enough paycheck left at the end of the month. Or as my Granny would ask "Is that money burning a hole in your pocket?" "Don't spend it all in one place." We'd spend it all up, because hey if there's a few bucks in there, we can use it. We lived for the moment. Now we are living on what we had to live on at the end of the month (why not we were already used to it) most of the time. In so doing, we have excess and we are able to put that towards our debt. Know what? It isn't miserable -- it is refreshing, it is great, because we know that the load will be off of us quicker.
We've had to sacrifice a few things, but it is probably for the best anyway. Seems that a lot of the things we are giving up are convenience items and vices. I quit smoking back in November, that saves a considerable amount of money. You wouldn't realize it but buying J**** cartons of cigarettes at a time versus by the pack saves $30.00 a month. We have stopped eating out except on Thursdays. J**** takes his lunch and the majority of the time, I don't eat out at lunch time. I am worst on this point than him. I've stopped buying sodas except for J**** to take in his lunch - this also saves us more than $50.00 per month. J**** has stopped playing poker every weekend - this saves another $45.00 per month. We have put off buying a new couch until we can find a good used one that we like. When I buy groceries -- I shop the flyer and the sale items, unless it is a necessity I WILL NOT pay full price - family of 5 and we are paying less than $100 a week for groceries and eating good.
I am having a hard time saying WE. It seems like I have trained myself to sole take ownership of the family finances. In part because of J****'s alcoholism (76 days clean and sober--hooray) and it is also my personality to be very independent. I actually started this post by saying I am doing the Dave Ramsey Total... and had to go back and change it to We are doing... J**** is getting more involved in the budgetary matters and he is taking an interest and getting more on board each day. I get a little territorial and try to make all of the decisions, but then I remember what Popaw J*** told me, marriage is 100/100, it is not 50/50. This not only goes for someone not pulling their weight but also for someone being too overbearing in an area. So the money is not all my responsibility it is OUR responsibility. Hard for me to let go SOLE ownership.
I am an ENABLER. Not just an enabler to the traditional types of addictions, but an enabler to poor money management. I have a hard time telling people NO when they ask for money. When the money is asked for and I know that the only reason they are in need is because of their OWN poor decision making and lack of planning I must say NO. I've listened to Dave's show and realize that this is enabling -- it is enabling to keep cosigning loans for a family member not able to pay their bills, it is enabling to keep lending them money when they do NOT have a budget or a job. One woman called in and had filed bankruptcy on $95,000. $80,000 of that was NOT her debt, but was debt that she had cosigned for a family member. I would feel SO betrayed. But, I have in the past enabled this sort of behavior.
I have regained hope and am optimistic. We can do this. I want to have the money to pay cash for my children to go to college. I want to be a millionaire when I am 65. I want to be debt free. I want to be a good steward of those things that the Lord has given me. I want to give freely to the church and to those around me in true NEED without it causing hardship for myself and/or my family. I want to raise my children to respect money and to understand how to use that money, not to love it but to use it as a tool.

I placed one of them little quizzy things that you take to tell you where you would be at 65 if you follow Dave's plans in my sidebar. It says that if I follow his plan I will have saved $3,054,000. WOW!!! Just to think it is possible is unfathomable. But, hey it is worth a try.

Growing up is hard to do.

"Just Ask", she said.

2007-02-25T14:09:00.000-05:00

I made the comment to BHP the other day that when it comes around to things that need to be done, I shouldn't have to ask. She said "why not? He can't read your mind, he doesn't know what you may be expecting of him. " Yes, men are different than women, and yes, you have to ask. How many times have you heard a man say? If you had just asked I would have gotten that for you.

The topic was even mentioned in church this morning when this passage was read,

Mt 7:7 Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: 8 For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.

I guess if I have to ask God, then I shouldn't be so surprised that I have to ask J**** for things that I want or expect from him.

So it is Sunday morning, and we have been going as a family a lot here lately. So this morning no one really had the gumption to go, but my wonderful mother called and goaded us on our way. J**** says that he doesn't want to go, that he thinks he'll stay home and relax. So I ask. He grumbles, growls, hollers, stomps his feet, acts very immaturely, but he does end up going.

Here was my take on it. If he's not going to go and help me keep them in line in church, then he should do something productive and not get a mini-vacation. I don't get the alone time and have to do nothing. I demand (hehehe) equity. Please?

He says he just went so he wouldn't be expected to clean house. That sort of hurts my feelings. I regard church very highly as a way to mentally refuel myself. He also seems refreshed after being with other Christians. He throws this fit each time. Then, he ends up going with us each time. I wish there could be a little less drama each week.

So, back to the just ask...Why? when he huffs, stomps, pouts, makes snide remarks? I'd just as well do it myself.

On March 16 we begin Marriage Counseling with BHP. Oh, I've got plenty to say, but - what will I do when she tells me I need to adjust my ways too? Guess I'll just huff, stomp, pout, and make snide remarks.

Drug Du'Jour

2007-02-21T14:09:00.000-05:00

Cymbalta made me nutso, cuckoo, crazy.

So Ol' Doc H took me off of that and put me on Citalopram (Celexa).

So far so good - just a little nutty but that is to be expected with a new medication. I feel like I am on speed or something.